I had to turn my 20 yr old into the Police, heartbroken...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Chaosuncontained, Aug 31, 2011.

  1. Chaosuncontained

    Chaosuncontained New Member

    I actually posted this on the General Board a few days ago. I was told that here it where I need to be regarding my adult child. I have cried more tears in the last few days than I have in my entire life. I have gotten up 2 days in a row to first get on the computer and check our local jail to see if she was booked in the night before. She hasn't yet.

    My oldest daughter is 20. Two months ago police found evidence that she had taken mail from a neigbors mail box and tore up a check. The USPS decided not to prosecute...but the local police are--but haven't issued a warrant for her arrest YET.

    She is hanging around with a girl who had a history of robbery. In the last 3 weeks they have BOTH (together) robbed 2 houses and her friend was arrested for driving while intoxicated. DD20 was given a ticket for "open container".

    A few nights ago my daughter called me and said she was lost on her way to my house--she has been here about 20 times...there is NO reason she should be lost. Her voice sounded slurred so I asked her if she was drunk or high (I KNOW she smokes pot a LOT). She told me no. But then had to get off the phone because she was being pulled over by the police.

    She came home obviously high. Finally admitted to taking an AMBIEN (which she has no RX for). She told me she only recieved a warning for a broken headlight (how he didnt realize she was high/drunk is beyond me!)! The officer told her he had recieved a report that she was driving on the wrong side of the road (wth?) The next morning she said "Mom? Did I tell you I got pulled over last night??" She didn't remember being on the phone with me while it happened!

    I know of the robberies because I helped her clean out her car and asked her about a few items (tool kit, video games, books) in there. She told me they were her best friends ex BOYFRIEND's things--she earlier had told me that her friend had used a key he didn't know she had and took things from his house to maybe pawn/sell. She later slipped and said she was there when the things were taken. The other robbery was a neighbor of the friend. She told me too many details to have NOT been there.

    My husband (her step dad) tried talking to her the other night--she really seems to have ZERO guilt, remorse or ANYTHING for any illegal activity she does. She tries to rationalize ALL of it away. She actually said "It's not THAT big of a deal--I didn't HURT anyone!" When we said "maybe you didnt PHYSICALLY hurt anyone but you have harmed them and it's against the LAW!"", she replied "well, I didn't get caught..."

    She told us that she thinks the reason she got out of getting anything other than an open container ticket is becasue the officer liked her. Numerous times she has told us that she can get by with a lot because she is so cute. At the time she had NO insurance on her car (her friend was driving my daughter's car), expired inspection sticker and an open container. My daughter also had a ziploc bag with about 15 muscle relaxers (not her RX). The police GAVE that back to her!! The police officer DROVE her car around the corner to a parking lot to keep her car from being towed and DROVE her to a friends house--thile her friend (the driver) was arrested for driving while intoxicated. The SECOND time she was pulled over 2 days later, she only recieved a WARNING for no headlight. She TRULY believes she is "lucky" and that her being so cute and attractive is what gets her off the hook!

    She lies easily. She isn't violent. Her favorite thing to say is "It's my life!! I'll live it like I want to!"

    Today I called the detective handling her mail tampering case. I told him EVERYTHING I know. I have no idea how to save her. I have no idea what is wrong with her. I looked online and the only thing that even SORTA makes sense is that she is antisocial or a scociopath.

    She is going to hate me. I am sure she will be arrested SOON. And she will probably KNOW I turned her in. What else could I have done? I need her to stop. I'm so afraid she will rob someone and they will shoot her...or that she will be killed or god forbid kill someone else while driving impaired.

    She is spiraling out of control. I love her so much. She was such a good girl--I don't even know who this is...

    Today was my birthday. I asked her to spend some time with me. We were going to pick up applications (she is with out a job--cant seem to keep one). But first she asked me to take her to jail to visit her friend...I did, I know I shouldn't have, but I did. Sigh. And then she asked to be driven back to her car--no applications picked up today.

    So...I called the detective. I turned in my baby. On my birthday. To save her. This hurts soooo bad. I can't stop crying.

    I feel so sick...
  2. FlowerGarden

    FlowerGarden Active Member

    Hugs to you. You did the right thing for your daughter and for the people she stole from along the way. So sorry it happened on your birthday.
  3. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest


    My difficult child is out there with an active warrant on her. I have tried to beg and plead with her to turn herself in. She will be 18 in 39 days. I try to tell her it would be a lot easier to turn herself in now than to wait. If she turns herself in on a Wednesday, she only has to spend one night in jail. She still won't do it. If I knew where she was, I could only pray that I had the strength to turn her in!!! It would probably be the best thing to happen for her!!

    You did this to save her and it was the right thing to do. Kudos to you!!! This could be the thing to turn it around for her. If it is hard and it hurts, you are doing it from a place of love. Believe me.
  4. elizabrary

    elizabrary Member

    I called CPS on my daughter (for my granddaughter) three times- and it sucked. It was awful, but I knew it was the only thing I could do. She knew I was the one and she was angry, but currently she and my granddaughter are living with-me and she has a job and is back in school. That may all end tomorrow, who knows? But I know I did the right thing and you did too. She may be angry now, but eventually (hopefully) she will realize why you did what you did and she will feel bad for her actions.

    Now, I am certainly not the queen of detachment, but I have made great strides over the last few years and I encourage you to work on detaching for yourself. If you don't know what that means there are threads on here about it and there are books and articles all over the place. Basically it's taking care of yourself first and letting the adult person in your life who is hell-bent on self-destruction live their own life. I try hard to remember not to do things for my adult daughter (who has a nearly 2-year-old) that she should be taking care of herself. It's very hard sometimes to watch her do stupid things and make mistakes, but that's how she has to learn. It is also important for me to be vigilant of my boundaries with her. Most of these kids are masters at completely ignoring boundaries and if I let one thing slip then she's on to the next until the boundaries no longer exist.

    I'm sorry you're going through this, but you did the right thing for everyone involved. Do something nice for yourself- last time I had a horrible situation with-Kat I went out and bought myself a birthday cake and a bottle of wine and that was my dinner. And, no, it wasn't my birthday! But happy birthday to you!
  5. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    I'm sorry. I have no words of wisdom except don't feel guilty. You did the right thing. {{{hugs}}}
  6. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry. I do remember how I felt when those times were happening with us. It was so hard to feel like my life was moving anywhere. I could barely get out of bed let alone get out of the house - which I should have done. Just as with everything else, their lives go on as do yours. Don't torture yourself waiting for her to be arrested, it will happen.

    Maybe now is a good time to see someone about how to take care of yourself, and how to deal with the different things that may possibly happen when she IS arrested. I suspect that like many of us you suffer from PTSD from the walking on eggshells to pacify your difficult child. You need some TLC, and some coping mechanisms for that time when you'll want the strength to not let her wrap you around her finger, or to feel secure in what you did - because you did do the right thing. You can't put your life and your happiness on hold waiting for the consequences of her bad decisions. Start to find your happiness. It won't happen today, but just the pursuit of it will help you to make more sense of it than the chaos she brings to your life.

    {{{{{{{{{{{{{Big Hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Im sorry. I turned my son in too when he forged checks on my account. It isnt an easy thing to do ever. Hugs. I did it for the same reason you did...to stop the spiral and it did. Hope it does for your child.
  8. MaggieDawn70

    MaggieDawn70 New Member

    Hi. I'm new here but thought I would chime in. I think you did the right thing and the best you can do considering the circumstances with your daughter. It definitely is not easy, nor does it feel good.

    I also have a 20yo daughter similar to how you describe your daughter. I love her to death but she has made life difficult. My daughter started getting arrested at about 14. She also has a severe issue with lying and other negative behavior, and smokes a lot of pot. When she was 15 she had a warrant out for her arrest for felony assault and numerous probation violations. She had run away from her dad's house after assaulting him; she had wanted to go out, was told no and proceeded to flip out. My ex did not hit her back but due to trying to protect himself, he was injured enough to need medical treatment. She ran away with a friend and was gone for 2 weeks. Via MySpace and other ways of tracking her down, I found her and led the cops in her direction. I debated just going to where she was but decided against it, called the police on her instead. She was arrested in a mall on a Friday night and within a month was headed to prison (institution for teens with long-term sentences; she remained there about 2 years).

    I can definitely relate to what you are going through and remember wondering how to save her from herself. I'm not being critical at all when I say this but ultimately, she has to want that for herself. No one can do it for her. Other people here have recommended detaching and I definitely would agree. I've been on that road for awhile now and it's saving my sanity. FYI, my daughter was doing better for a couple years but has since fallen back into her old ways. We may not be able to stop them from doing things that are wrong but we can take care of ourselves, it's absolutely necessary.

    I don't know how long your daughter will be in jail once arrested but take the time to do something for yourself while she's there. I noticed you listed other kids (I have step kids but no other bio kids) and that keeps a person busy enough. When my daughter was very first arrested and sent overnight to 'juvie,' I got no sleep and cried a LOT. It was awful but she kept getting in trouble, kept getting locked up. Back then someone told me if I didn't start taking care of myself, I was going to end up in one heck of a mess - they were right, and I did. For me it meant a serious problem with depression/anxiety, my husband and I lived apart for many months......this situation broke just about everyone. I also now have an autoimmune disorder caused directly by stress. It is under control now but it took a very long time. I also gained a lot of weight in the process....I've lost a lot of it but not all.

    Perhaps you handle stress better than I did - I hope - but for me it was a doozy, really did a number on me. One thing I kept in mind when my daughter was in jail was at least she was safe and I knew where she was 24-7. I know it sounds a little weird at first but it really did help, especially when there were so many times I had no clue where she was, with who, etc. Of course we'd rather not have to think in those terms but sometimes that's all there is.

    I hope things start to get better for you soon - you really did do the right thing.
  9. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Awww Martie ((((hugs))))

    As hard as I know that had to be for you to do, it was the right thing to do.

    Right now your daughter may indeed be getting away with stuff because she's cute or whatever, but as she builds this rep with the law, they'll have her number eventually and by then the damage will be so great that she'll be looking a hard time behind bars or worse.

    I'm so sorry you're going through this. I"m glad you found us.
  10. Chaosuncontained

    Chaosuncontained New Member

    Thank you all for your support and telling me your stories... it does help me. All of my friends and family try to talk to me but they haven't been there. If I hear "I'm so proud of you for doing this" I will scream. I know it is something I needed to do. But I'm not proud. I do not want a medal pinned to my chest because I had to turn my daughter in. It is THE worst thing I have done in my life--the hardest. And it hurts the most.

    What I worry and have nightmares about is I WANT her to be arrested. Then I will know she is out of danger. But I also know with two known robberies of houses (and the detective told me that there are several more reported around the same time, in the general area as one of them...that she is most likely involved in others) that she will be facing serious jail (prison) time. Plus the whole 'she is gonna hate me factor'. We are VERY close. She (obviously) tells me everything. Stuff with her jobs, boyfriends, friends, and her crimminal activities (here lately).

    She has lied a lot as a teen, rebelled enough to sneak out of her bedroom window, drank alcohol... she is a very stubborn person, who has very stong opinions. Her and her Father were very close when she was younger, up until we divorced and her was dating girls close to her age (he is married to a person 20 years his junior now). Now they barely stand one another. They are so much alike. Argumentitive, "always right" and stubborn as the day is long.

    She was our only child until she turned 10. We then had three kids within 5 years. Obviously, looking back now, she needed therapy. She felt displaced.

    I know these aren't EXCUSES for her behaviour but maybe insights or explanatiosn for PART of the reason she has done the things she has done. Drugs, alcohol, theft. I don't know. This is all new to me.

    I'm glad you all are here. I don't feel so alone in this anymore.

    I have 3 other bio kids. And 4 step kids that I have to care for--I can't imagine having to go through this again with one, two or more of the other kids. I do try to take care of me--but sometimes it feels like there just isn't enough of me to go around. We have all 7 kids this weekend. I know I will be kept busy, but the stress of this in my heart will make it that much harder.

    I was dignosed with mental illness in 2002 (depression/anxiety) and with Bipolar in 2005. That also made things hard for her. Being the oldest I relied on her maybe more than I should have to help me with her siblings.

    So, the guilt of possibly having a part in her headed down hill smarts too. I talked to her last night and she said she wanted to come see me but that she was out of gas. I didn't offer her gas money or to meet her at a gas station and fill up her car. Part of me wants to, to maybe keep her from robbing someone or stealing from a friend to have gas money. Part of me says "she is on her own". I love this child with all of my being. I feel like I have failed her.

    Again thank you for all of your encouraging words and even the hard to hear advice. It is much appreciated.
  11. Bean

    Bean Member

    Well big hugs to you. I'm sure it wasn't easy, and living like this in chaos isn't easy, but you did the right thing. Witzend gave some good advice about the counseling and such and coping with the PTSD. I'm dealing with that and it isn't fun.

    We turned our daughter in on my birthday. She was high, out of control and we were fed up. The police were called and they took her to jail. It was horrible, heart-wrenching and I'll never forget it. But it wasn't our fault. And the decisions she continued to make after that weren't our fault. The consequences were hard to deal with, and I don't know if they were helpful. But... sometimes I think maybe the jail time slowed her down, kept her safe. I don't know, 'cause she's still going through a lot of stuff. But it sounds like your daughter needs a safe place to be, to clean up a bit.

    Wishing you well.