I hate getting these phone calls.....

[toughlovin]

OK my turn to post. Ugh. I have gotten these calls before... actually more than once.... since he was in high school. The last one was a couple of months ago.... but the call is some girl he knows, usually on FB who gets in touch with me because he is threatening to harm himself and she is worried and doesnt know what to do. So she does the right thing and calls his parents!! Last time it was two messages on FB from two different women.... messages he wrote when drunk in the middle of his first relapse. Tonight it was a phone call from a girl he knew in high school, but not real well but they are fb friends. She called to tell me.... she didnt even know where he is. I reassured her that I did and that I would contact him and the treatment program and then I thanked her and told her she did the right thing. She said good she was nervous about calling because it felt awkward but didnt know what to do.

OK so my son clearly has substance abuse issues but it is stuff like this that makes me say he also has mental health issues because this is just screwy behavior. I mean doing it once for attention in high school, maybe, but doing it multiple times when you are 26.... even if you are drunk. That is just really messed up.

Anyway I am very thankful for the program he is in.... because first I called him and when he didnt answer I called the program. Talked to the person on call, who called him and then went over to his place. He called me, said he was fine, sounded impaired or it was a bad connection hard to tell... said he was fine. The on call person went over there, he would not let her in, but said he was fine and was mad since he had already talked to her. So let him be angry who cares. He has to learn if he does stuff like that people will take him seriously as they should.

I sure wish he would really figure things out.... I kmow at least a part of him wants to.....

TL

 

[New Leaf]

Ugh, TL. I am sorry for the anguish. My quote thingee won’t work...... as far as issues, mentally and substance abuse, they sure go hand and hand. My two have been using and drinking since middle school and seem stuck at rebellious 15, or 16. I say rebellious, because my other three were pretty level headed at that age.
Who knows what came first, the chicken or the egg?
I am sure there are ramifications of drug use on a teenaged developing brain.
I am glad that you were able to check up on him, through his program.
Hang in there.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy

 

[bluebell]

I've gotten those calls before. One time my daughter and I were getting our nails done and I told the hysterical girl that I was getting my nails done and I'd have to call her back. I couldn't understand what she was saying but I'm sure he was threatening to end his life or he had taken too many drugs. She hung up on me but sent me a couple of locations for rehabs. They were physical therapy rehabs. That's when I realized how strange this whole dance had gotten. I'm sure she thinks I'm a horrible mother, I never called her back. by the way, my son is still alive almost 2 years later. He was 20. I was done playing the EMT for my son's crises by then.

 

[toughlovin]

Thanks Leafy. We have our weekly call this afternoon with him and his clinical team so hopefully I will get a better sense then. I suspect he took something because I think when he is sober he is level headed enough not to do this but you know I am really not sure. And yes although he has matured some he is still in many ways a teenager that needs to grow up.

 

[toughlovin]

I knew last night that my son was most likely ok.... but I figure he needs to learn people will take it seriously even if it inconveniences him. So I called him, the program called him, the program sent someone over there to check on him much to his chagrin...but if you are going to say such things then people react. I feel bad for these poor girls he calls... I mean they are not people he knows well and how awful to get a call from someone threatening suicide, not knowing where they are and having to call their parents who you dont know and tell them. I give credit to the girl last night who called me.

 

[toughlovin]

Ugh...had our call. I asked about the incident last night I got some story about how this was an ex-girlfriend and her firend trying to cause him trouble blah blah blah. When I questioned his story he got mad. I totally dont buy it. The ex and their relationship is messed up but she has never been anything but nice to us and I dont buy that she would intentionally do this to us. I really get fed up sometimes with his lack of empathy for what he puts us through.

 

[pasajes4]

I totally get it. I also know that it is a good thing to get fed up with the drama. You handled it the right way.

 

[BusynMember]

I agree that it is good to get angry sometimes! And the drama is the worst. I loathe drama

I also think you did the right thing.

 

[bluebell]

It's hard not to know when and how to react. The boy who cried wolf (or the girl who called drama). We just never know. I'm glad he is (relatively) ok.

 

[toughlovin]

True and he has cries wolf many times!

 

[bluebell]

Yes, tough. Mine too. Otherwise I wouldn't have blown that girl off while getting my nails done. I'll be on the news as the mom who didn't care or didn't read the signs. But I do care and I have reported the signs to anyone in authority who will listen. The only real advice I've gotten is 'put your knives up'. That was our 'safety plan' on discharge at 17 after another suicide and violence threat. Ridiculous.

 

[RN0441]

Don't worry about anyone judging you. They have NO IDEA what you (or we) go through when dealing with this.

 

[toughlovin]

So true. I am pretty open with friends... and when they ask how my son is doing... and I mention some antic like this latest one they are kind of OMG..... and I am rather blase about it.....because I really dont believe he is going to do it.... but I always feel I have to follow through..... but yeah I would probably finish getting my nails done first!! Recently I was at a conference and there was a crisis with my son and I was on my way to a meeting which I wanted to go to.... I am in the elevator talking to the on-call answering service at the program he is in. I am sure the others in the elebator were rather horrified.... but I dont even care anymore.

 

[Copabanana]

I agree with everybody here.

My son does this same thing. Anybody who knows him, considers the source.

Of course, people like our kids do kill themselves. People who are under the influence, impulsive, untethered to responsibility, and failing. But most of the time, they do not.

Is it the way they live? Or is it who they are? That is what they are working out with their lives.

TL. I am impressed with how your son repeatedly seeks to change. He is like the energizer bunny. He just keeps at it. And I am impressed at how he handled those phone calls and the visit. I mean. He stayed in the conversation. He was pissed but he handled it.

Look. People who are drunk or loaded say maudlin and off the wall things. I remember when I was a young woman, and drank too much out on the town, came home to my apartment and sobbed out on my porch. How humiliating is that memory. And on another thread this week I confessed I screamed in a parking lot.

I know this is no fun. But looked at all of a piece, things are looking up with your son, TL. I believe that.

 

[toughlovin]

Thanks Copa. I think what really bothers me is that I think his explanation was pure bs. I would feel better if he said he didnt want to talk about it but to feed me a story and expect me to believe it really bugs me. My hooe is he is being honest with somebody about it. However you are right in his convoluted round about way he keeps trying and that is positive.

 

[Copabanana]

I got some story about how this was an ex-girlfriend and her firend trying to cause him trouble blah blah blah.

I think he was embarrassed.

This was a feeble attempt to make a boundary. Very feeble.

Maybe as he gets stronger he can say this: I prefer to keep my motivations and private life private.

The unfortunate position we find ourselves in is this: they act like babies, but they are men who are trying to position themselves as men. Except they do not have the skills, are very dependent upon us, and resent both of these facts. We end up being scapegoated because we stay in the game, and they target us or obfuscate for their own failure to handle things like grown ups.

You are both doing great. You are in conversation. He is able to use his relationship to you in ways that serve him. You keep at it, too.

I think the worst mistake I kept making was to allow my son to come back home and to another property I own. As long as he was away from here, more or less, I could function in the way you describe yourself doing. But not when he is near me. He got so abusive and unwilling to accept boundaries and to contribute, let alone the drugs, the whole thing broke down.

So far, for a month, I have kept a huge moat between us. I have not spoken to him, except a few words. It is very hard for me, but I see no real option.

The other huge strength of your son is that he works.

 

[toughlovin]

Copa.... My son is not working. He is actively (I think looking for a job). He had a job for a short time but quit for various reasons. He is having trouble finding work because of his criminal record.....I really think him having a job would be a huge help to him.

I found it much much harder to keep clear about boundaries and to happily live my own life when my son was living with us. Then his issues, his unhappiness is in your face all the time. It is hard not to have it not totally get in the way of your own good feelings and peace of mind. When he was living with us, I felt like we were kind of in survival mode. I didnt like spending time at home. Looking back it was awful. At least when they are not living with you, it is not in your face all the time and you can feel like some peace at least some of the time. I really dont want to ever go through that again.

TL