I think it is tempting to feel this way, but best not to. There have been books/comments/discussions out there for years about how are educational system is faulting...particularly at the high school level. Surely, for difficult children this is likely worse. My easy child son is now a teacher and he is doing well, but he sees the cracks in teh system. Stuff that can make a good teacher have bad days. Just way too much paperwork, to the point where it is ridiciculous. What I found really helped us with- our child was to be kind to the teachers, help where we could, to be creative, to set up good relationships with teachers and administrators and to only flex my muscle when absolutely necessary. However, when it was necessary, I did not hesitate to do so (just was careful to make sure I HAD to do so). And of course, as you are well aware, I kept my documents up to date including doctors letters, etc. Toward the end, we put our daughter in a private school. I have heard of parents doing work-school programs. Again, creativity can be a good thing. Speaking up when and where appropriate. Saving face (when you can). Not purposely hurting anyones feelings. Chosing one teacher over another (for a variety of reasons). Keep in close contact with a kind school counselor. Treat him or her RIGHT. You know your child best....so ask your questions and speak up as you see fit. You are shooting for a goal....to have your child get the best education possible and to receive a diploma. Keep this in mind at all times. Along with keeping your sanity. AND you might not set the best role model for your kid if you lose control.
In the end the IEPs might not be all THAT important...the final goal is....education/diploma/sanity.
by the way, although it was easier in the private school...still had to put what I said above into play. I did what I could, got tutors when she struggled in subjects....but tried not to go overboard. She OFTEN paid consequences for inapprpropriate behaviors, etc. and sometimes she learned (at a snails pace).
She had an IEP, graduated on time and did well in most of her classes.
Sending good thoughts.