I hate that I can't believe a single thing that comes out of difficult child's mouth

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by mstang67chic, Dec 1, 2009.

  1. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    Currently he goes to school for 3 hours in the morning, goes to a volunteer job and then back to school for night school.

    Today he comes home before going to the volunteer job and his book bag is crammed full of toys. He told me they are for the little brother's of his friend D and she needs a place to hide them. That is fine with me but so many things have shown up in this house over the years (and vice versa) that husband and I don't know the history on, I want verification. I got a lot of argument from him, he was going to just take the stuff back to D but I said no. I locked it all in my room and told him I don't have a problem with it, I. Just. Want. Verification.

    Honestly, his story sounds completely plausible. I inspected the stuff and can see where someone peeled the price tags off, it's all for little boys and it's nothing that would catch difficult child's eye if he were in the "acquiring" mood. But because of YEARS of his history, I simply want to make sure his story holds up.

    I just think it's sad that I can't trust a thing my kid tells me without checking on it. I hate it actually. Aside from being a pain and inconvenient, it hurts and it's draining. difficult child, on the other hand, is ticked.

    Oh...and he also had 4 cans of Mt. Dew in his bag. :slap: Just what he needs.
  2. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    I forgot the best part of this. As much as I find his story plausible, I still have my doubts. When he walked back to D's to have her call me (because he doesn't have her number supposedly), she's suddenly left for a doctor's appointment that BOTH parents have taken her to.

    *crinkles nose*

    Does anyone else smell that?
  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    It would be something that would zing my radar too. I would want it to be true but I would have to check it myself.
  4. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Sadly, bedroom checks and backpack inspections are the norm here, too.

    I don't even ask for any explanation any more. I just take anything that I find that does not belong to difficult child. If she is "holding" it for someone, they are more than welcome to come to my house to retrieve the item in question. I just find it impossible to believe that a kid who has so few friends can receive so many "presents" from other kids all the time.

    For some reason, difficult children just don't seem to recognize that the property of others is off-limits. They seem to figure that everything is up for grabs...

    Wish I had a solution for you.

  5. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    I smell something also, I checked Dexter but her said it wasn't him.

    I suppose you have to think like this after years of it, he just has to deal with it.
    It's like reminding them to take medications or shower or wipe... I wouldn't remind or ask if you could be trusted to do it on your own.
    You know what he has been like and what he may be like. You're the MOM!
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I have to be honest, I would have found it odd if any of my teens had come home with a back pack full of toys with that excuse! Now if they came home with them now that they are parents and have other parents as friends...well it would make more sense. A couple of friends and I used to do this with each other so that if our kids DID happen to find the presents they wouldnt find their own...lol.
  7. tessaturtle

    tessaturtle New Member

    I don't have any advice for you, but want you to know that you are not alone :) I feel the same way lately with difficult child. His lying has become increasingly annoying, out of control, etc, etc. It used to be little lies or denial, now it is just like a regular part of his day. It has even progressed to him taking things from others in the household and looking us in the eye (when you catch him) and lying straight to our face. If we didn't know him, we would have believed him. Its certainly concerning and I am sick of it.
  8. graceupongrace

    graceupongrace New Member

    Lying seems to come with the territory. I hate it too.
  9. WSM

    WSM New Member

    Stepson used to show up with things people had just given him too. And while he seemed to have the general good regard of his peers, he didn't have friends either. But still people were always giving him things: like a brand new gameboy, and a clock radio, and money, and books, and clothes and money...

    And husband would believe it.

    One of the best stories was $65 a classmate gave him. Why would a classmate going to a school where most of the kids came from families living under the poverty level give a 12 year old $65? Because stepson had been this kid's 'slave' all year and the other boy wanted to reward him. What's this other kid's name? "Stephen". Stephen what? Well, stepson didn't know his last name. Hmmmm....stepson was only going to a military school where everyone was ONLY called by their last names, and he was going to a school where at the most there were 50 kids--not like there would be a kid you didn't know. I would have believed stepson wouldn't know this kid's first name, but never would I believe that stepson didn't know this kid's last name. Also this was a military school without hazing, so how could anyone be anyone else's 'slave' (and it was a heavily minority school where the concept of slavery and political correctness would have been a prime consideration).

    husband swallowed the story, hook, line and sinker. I pushed him to investigate. So he talked to the school administrator. Who said oh maybe, Stephen comes from a 'rich' family.

    Well, that was all husband needed. A 'rich' family at that school would have made maybe $40K a year. We were the richest family there. And what 13 year old kid, even a 'rich' one has an extra $65 to give to his 'slave'. husband didn't think he needed to get Stephen's last name and call Stephen or his family to verify. After all the school had verified it was possible. Of course stepson once stole $20 from the school that he was supposed to give to them for transportation and the school covered for him, out and out lied and said they 'miscounted' the money stepson turned in and weren't short $20 after all. And then we found the money in stepson's bed.

    Uh-huh, this is all believable.

    And the fact *I* was missing $65 was just an odd coincidence and had nothing to do with stepson, who would NEVER steal from me... :faint:
  10. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Stang, it IS sad, but it's the reality with our difficult children.

    I've told mine that I always assume he's lying, unless I have independent verification. If it's something I can't verify, then I assume it's a lie. difficult child gets very frustrated, especially when he is telling the truth, but I just explain that the consequence of lying is that he's lost my trust, and because he continues to do it he will likely never regain it.

    Very sad indeed. Sadder still that so many of us are in the same boat.

  11. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    Mine will get mad because he "doesn't DO that anymore". Of course to him, "anymore" could mean that he hasn't done it in a week or two or even that he hasn't done it today. Therefore, he doesn't do it anymore. I can understand entitlement, I can understand impulse, but I just can't grasp that the concept of "if it's not yours, LEAVE IT ALONE" is so flipping difficult. Especially when that concept is said, announced, YELLED to someone on an almost daily (sometimes hourly) basis.

    And the lying...omg. difficult child is to the point that it is literally automatic for him to lie. Ask him a normal question and the first thing out of his mouth, no hesitation, is a lie. He corrects himself and gives the correct answer but it's still an automatic. (Me: difficult child, are you hungry? difficult child: No...*mental head shake* I mean yes. Are we going to eat soon?)
  12. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Stang, mine is the same. Exactly the same.

    What I've come to understand about my difficult child over the years is that difficult child's grandiosity is so very grand that he considers himself to be the best, smartest, handsomest and most important person in the world. Therefore people should be happy that he's doing them the favour of taking their stuff. Being permitted into his presence is a gift. Being permitted into his presence when he's in a good mood is a gift that he bestows only rarely.

    My difficult child's lies are also an automatic response, and it doesn't matter how obvious or implausible the lie. Recent examples include:
    - "I didn't touch it" while standing there holding "it"
    - "Basil just said 'Hi difficult child' ". Of COURSE my 3 month old baby can talk. AND remember people's names.
    - "I made $600 today at work" . His job is volunteer. He doesn't get paid.

    No rhyme or reason for any of it, yet he keeps it up.

    On the advice of difficult child's psychiatrist, I have stopped asking the question Why. Honestly, I don't really care why anymore. I just want the behaviour to stop.

  13. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    OMG!!! We have the same son!!!!!
  14. aninom

    aninom New Member

    Must be going around like the swine flu, I think I recognize these symptoms!

    Our difficult child has taken that one extra step and will sometimes try and convince the person accusing her of a lie of lying themselves, being so hypnotically convincing you almost start thinking you really DID do X, or actually DIDN'T see difficult child do Y and Z.

    For a very long time she had me believe I'd witnessed dad "smashing her head against the floor while everybody just sat watching". I was very young, but even so, it SEEMED to be A) unbelievable, because that is just not who he is, and B) an inconsistent story. She's just that good - I was scared for YEARS of my nerdy and introvert dad being a secret psycho.

    And this was after I knew just how habitual difficult child's lying was. To this day I'm scared of even listening to her: I hate not knowing what to trust, I hate KNOWING that I can't trust her, I feel bad because what if she tells the truth - and I feel bad because the huge tangles of lies she weaves herself into always become so big, that if the lid were to be blown off, she'd be in for some MAJOR trouble. I'm scared of the student loan agency coming after her for fraud, I'm scared of her school kicking her out because she keeps lying about missed assignments, I'm scared one day she'll have no friends left and become truly crazy.

    There is also that good old lying-about-why-she-needs-you-to-lie-for-her trick. Last month she was "desperate" and told me I needed to lie to her school about being a CEO that'd hired her, because the real boss at the job she'd gotten was travelling and couldn't be reached (in difficult child-World, cell phones exist only when it is convenient). And if I didn't, she'd miss a super-duper-important deadline and all would be lost forever.

    There was no job.

    I'm so tired of this, I have no energy left to feel surprised.
  15. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Animom, the thing is you CAN trust your difficult child. You can trust that she WILL tell you lies. For your own self-preservation you need to keep this at the front of your mind when dealing with her.

    If she happens to be telling the truth, well, independent corroboration might bear that out later. But, until you know for certain that it's the truth, assume it's a lie. It saves many headaches.

    As for the consequences of her lying, she owns those. I know it's hard not to worry when someone we love is in for a potential world of hurt, but those are the natural consequences of the behaviour. Sometimes with our difficult children, natural consequences like the ones you describe are the ONLY thing that gets through to them.

    Sometimes letting them fall is the best and most loving thing we can do for them. And sometimes letting them fall is the only thing we can do to save ourselves.

    Sending many hugs, and a set of Warrior Sister armour.