I have a child with severe adhd

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by LCunkle, Mar 6, 2012.

  1. LCunkle

    LCunkle New Member

    Hello all,
    My name is Lacie and I decided to join a support forum to deal with my child who has severe adhd. I am really struggling tonight. I am hoping to be able to vent and possibly get suggestions on how I can cope...

    My son is 7 years old and he is my entire world, however this adhd monster has taken over him completely... Im very frustrated and hurt. He told me tonight that all I ever am is angry with him... he feels that he cant do anything right... REALLY??!! Thats how I make my only child I can ever have feel?? I feel like a horrible mother!!!
  2. llamafarm

    llamafarm Member

    Welcome! It is hard to feel successful when you are constantly correcting. Please vent all you want! I know I do. You are working hard, remember that. It takes a lot of energy and effort to be a mother to your child. Have you had him evaluated and is he on any medications? This helps us understand where you are with the whole situation. Bedtime can be rough! Absolutely. Getting there is the hardest and getting them to fall asleep. Melatonin did wonders for my son to wind down after the day. What was so hard about tonight for you?
  3. buddy

    buddy New Member

    OH gosh, I know that is my hardest thing.... that my son lives in a world of constant correction and people being angry, even me. and my son is my only too. I have learned that I have to carve out special things that are not rewards that have to be earned nor can they be taken away (unless he just is unsafe to leave the house then we postpone)... so tonight I took him for Chinese food and he got to try something new that he wanted. He was a turd at times but I refused to say anything that would start us on a negative road.

    It doesn't make up for all of the moments of course. Our therapist has asked me to catch him just as he is doing things and just narrate once in a while.... i see you are playing game boy, you are charging your fm unit, etc.. so I have some non-negative things that are said and he can't get defensive about compliments (which he fights sometimes). Also she suggested I catch him at the end of a task, even as simple as getting out of the car, and give the direction at the very end.... get out of the car ....just as he is closing the door and I have it prelocked so he can't open and be oppositional, LOL. It builds moments of his following directions and me being able to have a positive time with him. I miss chances, but am working on it.

    And then there are days like what you are talking about... just days when, even though my head says I am doing all I can and I have a right to get frustrated.... I feel awful for not being able to MAKE him happier. It is natural for us as moms to want to make their lives less stressful and happier. But we are just as much challenged by their medical conditions I feel sometimes. It is hard to be a caretaker...way beyond normal parenting duties.

    So I try to vent here, and try even harder to give myself a break. The fact is, you would not even be here if you were not a good mom.... one who thinks so deeply about these things. SO, time to give yourself a break. Then, when things dont seem so overwhelming....if you are not already doing this but just not able to think of it now because of the way you feel tonight....do one or two things a week that you two can laugh at, that can't be goofed up (I let Q have those packs of dry cookie mix, he tries to follow the directions and make them himself, we both laugh and they are not great, but he likes them and I dont correct him to do it my way, LOL... I wont send you any in the mail, promise!)

    I wish I had a really good answer, I think my son's self concept is really shaped by exactly what you are talking about. It is sad. But I am doing the best I can. when I dont do well, I step back, forgive myself and try again. Just what we want for them, right?

    HUGS... really big HUGS actually.
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Can you tell us more about his history and family dynamics?
  5. jessica_1

    jessica_1 New Member

    Hey, Lacie! Welcome! Less than a week ago I had lost all hope and had no more ideas, thoughts, or suggestions for my six year old son. I Googled "parental support" and found myself registering at this exact same website. I started typing and crying. The next morning, I had replies from parents who got it, who understood where I was the night before. Since then I have made several, not steps, but leaps in (what I hope to be) a positive direction for my son and I both. I'm glad that you found your way here and even more so, I hope the words from other parents help you as well.

    When I read your first line "he is my world", I quickly clicked with you. I know how your heart feels! My six year old (a few days away from seven) was just diagnosed with ADHD. He is currently in first grade and from Sept. of last year until Dec. our household was unbearable. Every single night we wiuld get a negative report from his teacher so we would have to enforce discipline for his behavior. So many hours, DAYS, of tears and fighting and dirty looks and screaming and kicking. It got to the point where I didn't even want to go home at the end of a working day. Then, our home changed in a single day. I had a meeting at school with the principle, assistant principle, counselor, and teachers. They expressed their concern about how unhappy my son was. They asked me if he seemed happy at home. It was then, when I heard my response, that I knew serious changes had to be made for my son. I told them "he has no reason to be happy at home. He is always being punished.". He gets in trouble at school and then comes home to even more. He had no safe place to go in this world. The school asked me at that point to stop punishing him at home for actions that happen at school. Allow them to handle those trying times. Talk to him about the situation, if the same thing takes place a second time, talk a little more stern, and the third time, provide a consequence. Otherwise, trust in the school to handle their situations in the moment. I immediately began doing this. Our household is loving, caring, and laughing again. Don't get me wrong, we still have school calling and our own things at home to discipline over, but not nearly as much.

    I know my words aren't the answers for you and your dear son, but please know that I do understand. Hold your head high and don't take to heart his comments. You know you are doing all that you can for him , his success, and his happiness. Unfortunately, he won't truly grasp this until he has his own children. You are doing a great job and don't let him convince you otherwise! My grandmother use to say the only rule to raising children .... All you have to do is love them!

    Tomorrow will be different!
  6. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Did all of this sort of kick in when he started school?
    If so, there may be MORE going on than "just" ADHD.

    And as far as ODD goes? Well... it's not really a useful diagnosis, most of the time - in my opinion (and others feel the same way). It describes a serious behavior problem. And... that is ALL it tells you. There are no therapies, no medications, no interventions of any sort, that go with that diagnosis (diagnosis). If you feel it really does fit... then perhaps it is a signal that there IS "more going on", and you need to find out what those other things are.
  7. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Welcome aboard. Glad you found us but sure wish you didn't need to seek us out. I'm on my way to work so you'll be spared one of my long responses. First of all make sure your name and identifiers are not "real"...if so go back and edit elminating specifics. We all want to feel totally safe to share our feelings without fear of idenficiation since alot of people read our Board. The family members are awesome and I know you'll find it freeing to say what you really feel. We all do.

    Secondly, please give us a little more info on your son. Did his Pediatrician or a child Psychiatrist identify his ADHD? Has he had problems for a long time? Has he ever had a full evaluation? How does he do in school and away from home? Lots of questions, I know, but it helps us offer appropriate support.
    Hugs DDD
  8. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I call those days the 'dark days'. I absolutely hated being in my own home. I am sure my difficult child did, too. It was a battleground. So, I found a way to make it better. Like jessica_1, I left the school issues to the school to deal with. They kept me informed (somewhat) and sometimes we discussed what happened at school sometimes not.

    Glad you found us!