I have a heavy heart... (sorry long)

[butterflydreams]

Ok, so I have been dating J for almost 2 years. He has been really great especially with all that has gone on with difficult child. J has been there through thick and thin. We had even talked about moving in together, but know it's not the right time, that the kids are not ready for it. He is ok with that. He is always understanding when I need to do something with the kids and can't go out. I could go on an on about how he has been there for us.

Ok, so here comes where I have the heavy heart, last weekend, I pulled a MAJOR difficult child act. I had gone to visit difficult child at noon and got home about 2:30pm. J had called when I was on the way home and had wanted me to come over (he would have gone to visit difficult child with me, but he had a meeting earlier). I said I would come over but I needed to work on my math work (I am taking 2 college classes and this is Elementary and Intermediate Algebra - not my strong suit) because I wanted to be able to take my quiz on Sunday (my math class is online). Anyway, this part of the chapter is really hard for me and I am really struggling. I took a little nap before starting on my work. J called again and I said I was still working on it, that I was having a hard time. This went on for several more hours. Anyway, before I knew it, it was after 7pm. I talked to J on the phone, he was extremely upset with me because I had left him hanging all afternoon. He said if you didn't want to come over then you should have just said something. I DID WANT to go over, I just got really absorbed in trying to get this math down. J said well if you want to call me later and hung up. I called him before bed like always and he didn't answer the phone.

Sunday morning, I called J again and no answer. We have a routine with phone calls. We usually talk 4-5 times a day at least. We were supposed to go to a brunch around noon. I still didn't hear from him. I called later, I finally got an answer later in the day. He was very distant and said "oh I figured you were busy" then he said talk to you later. Monday morning rolled around and I called again, he answered and said that he was on the way out the door for a meeting.

I called Monday evening and he answered and asked if I noticed that he was being distant. I said yes I did, and I was sorry about Saturday. He said again about not wanting to come over. I told him that I had every intention of going over, but I had just got wrapped up in the math, that I was really struggling with it. He said there must have been something else going on in my mind, I said there wasn't. I am tired, but I am always tired. (I did start Zoloft almost 2 weeks ago and my mind isn't quite as sharp as it could be, but that's beside the point.) We went on and on with him pressing me on why I left him hanging. He wasn't accepting my reason. He was like well I guess that is the only reason I am going to get, I don't like it, but I guess that is what I am going to get. We will talk more about this later, maybe, maybe not and then said he had to go.

Now, J is an accountant, so I know he looks at things as black and white, very cut and dry. I know I hurt his feelings. I know I was wrong. I have apologized. I know there is no valid excuse for leaving him hanging. I can't go back and change it. I talked with my family counselor last night about it and she told me to give him a little space. That his feelings are hurt and he will need some time. She said to send him a card, I sent him an email this morning. He replied said he would answer a lot more later, but he had a big IRS case he was working on today. He said "I know you are sorry. Enough with the sorry."

I love this man so much. Both easy child and difficult child have accepted him. As a matter of fact, difficult child discussed J in our session on Monday saying how he knows that J would never replace his father (who died) but that J could be a father figure and be a good influence on him.

I miss him and I am so worried that he won't get passed this. Even though we have been together 2 years at the end of Sept. this is the first time, we have had ANY problems. Both easy child and my counselor have said that he has invested a lot of time in this relationship and just give him some time.

My heart is sooooooo heavy. I just want to cry and kick myself in the rear.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

OK, first, he is right. Stop with the sorry. What you did may have hurt his feelings, but you did nothing intentional, and certainly nothing vicious. You got wrapped up in homework. It happens. He will have to get over it.

Now you, for real, stop apologizing and do give him some space. If you constantly go after him looking for forgiveness, when all he really needs is to work through it himself, you will smother him. Let him get over it in his time.

This part hurts, but if he breaks up with you over this, it is better for it to happen now than down the road. He does not deserve you.

If, on the other hand, he just needs time to work through his hurt feelings (and it may be a buildup), then things should smooth out nicely. But let him come to you. He knows where you are.

I am sorry for your heavy, hurting heart.

 

[butterflydreams]

Thank you BBK, you are absolutely right. This is just hard because it is the first time there has been any problems.

 

[Star*]

You know - I know you love him and enjoy him in your life - but the business of having someone in your life when you are a couple is a two way street.

To reitterate; you have a child in Residential Treatment Center (RTC) - you had to visit, gosh no stress there. You are taking new medications that make you foggy, so you won't be so stressed. You are stressing out over trying to better your life with a college test to earn a college degree and lost track of time. Then you have to continually "make it up" to a man who plays games?

In your own words you said you called him/he was distant/and then he asked you if you KNEW he was being distant? WHAT A HEAD GAME. DO you really need this or just want it? I think his behavior was childish. I would see a red flag here if it weren't for all the addoration, love and appreciation overload you give this man.

If he appreciated you as much? I think the call would have been

You know you hurt me when you didn't call....what's up?
I lost track of time studying for this test.
OH....wow, is there anything I can do to help you?
No, I just had to see difficult child, study and this new medication is making me foggy.
Well - let me know when you can spend some time with me.

Not -
You hurt me...
(I won't take her call, I will take her call....I'll be short) and ground her nose into it like a puppy who piddled on the carpet. By being distant, moody and obtuse.

Eesh- I think your therapist needs to read this. A simple I'm sorry should have sufficed....but the game playing would have done me in for good. You made a simple, forgivable mistake and lost track of time. GOOD GOD what ever will happen if you're out shopping for groceries, run into an old girlfriend from school, sit and have coffee and forget to call him at home? A divorce?

Sorry - I'm probably odd man out in this - but I treat DF with the same respect he treats me. If that respect ever stops - I won't disrespect him - I just won't respect him at all. And I sure wouldn't apologize 100 times for some honest loss of time. Urging you to keep an eye on this. You don't need to be raising 3 kids.

 

[butterflydreams]

good point Star. Thank you very much for a different perspective.

 

[Star*]

But then again - your therapist WAS right in one respect -

She said GIVE HIM ROOM -

I'd give him all the room he could handle. Far, FAR away from my bothersome self.

If I could be 1/2 the person to difficult child that I am to men of my friends? I'd have detached LONG ago and be LOADS happier I am sure of it.

OH and by the way - HUGE HUGS.....I'm sure this is difficult but seriously, keep your eyes open. Eventually ALL people show their true colors. Maybe now isn't such a good time to think about anyone moving anywhere. Get your degree, get a better paying (EQUAL) job. Do you suppose anyone hassled him when HE went to college? You think long term hon - and DO IT FOR YOURSELF and your kids. Get your schooling in and get some counseling in for yourself because what you are going through with your kids is VERY HARD.....and you need someone to talk to, someone to help you stand up for yourself, build up your self esteem. And keep in mind self esteem and self confidence are WORLDS apart.....yet seldom treated as such.

And .......I LOVE your elephant on the trampoline - LOVE IT!

 

[flutterbee]

I'm with Star. She calls it a head-game, I call it passive-aggressive. I don't tolerate either one.

Instead of treating you like dirt and leaving you hanging for days (notice the plural in days, meaning more than just one afternoon), he should have addressed this right away. You address it, and move on. You don't punish someone you love for days.

Stop the apology. A simple apology and explanation and letting him tell you how it made him feel - and you hearing that - was all that was required.

At this point now, HE owes YOU an apology.

 

[Star*]

YEAH - what Wynter said -

HE OWES YOU AN APOLOGY....

She's such a fantastic condenser!

 

[flutterbee]

Oh...and (((((((hugs))))))), too.

Sorry...I sometimes have a bit of a one-track mind.

 

[klmno]

I agree with the others- and especially what Star said about keeping your main focus on your education and doing what you need to do. Whe I read your post, I thought he was acting like he thought you were seeing someone else or something. I don't know if he's that insecure, or there have been trust issues, or if this is just normal for him, but I thought his behavior was not in proportion to what happened. Geez- if he acts that way over an afternoon nap and you not calling for a while, how is he going to act if there is a REAL problem in the future? And the calling 4-5 times a day- does he expect that from you? I'm not suggesting that you lose him- it sounds like he's got some good qualities, but if you end up spending the rest of your life with him, you need to get him out of some of this reaction or passive aggression now. in my humble opinion! Don't beat yourself up over this!!

 

[amazeofgrace]

<<<<<hugs>>>>>>

 

[KTMom91]

Sending hugs.

 

[trinityroyal]

Star and Wynter and right on the money.
This sort of thing would be a big red flag for me too.

You made an honest mistake and apologized for it. He didn't show trust in you, and didn't accept your explanation. Further, he decided to pay you back...with deliberation. He ignored your calls, and then took your call but was cold and distant.

I agree with the advice to give him room. Lots of room. I'm not saying to give up on him, but I would watch this behaviour very very carefully indeed.

And yes, HE OWES YOU AN APOLOGY.

Sending hugs.

Trinity

 

[Hound dog]

You know.............You guys have been together 2 years. I'm guessing it's been pretty great even with the difficult child stuff. And he's bent all out of shape because 1 time you leave him hanging?????

Excuse me???

I so would have a problem with this. And I'm sorry most certainly wouldn't have come out of my mouth more than once.

Ok. So you stood him up. Might be a real issue if it were habitual. But that's not what's going on. It was once. Unintentional. You apologized. J needs to get over it already. And I'd venture to say that since he's having problems getting past something so very minor that he has a few issues of his own that have gone unvoiced.

Stop saying I'm sorry. He needs to apologize to you for acting like a horses arse over something so silly. I mean, c'mon. Get real. You love him, he loves you. Obviously you're crazy about each other to want to yak to each other thru out the day and such.

Just my take on it, but there is more going on here on his side of things.

((hugs))

 

[Marguerite]

He may have had something special planned. For the entire afternoon, he was anticipating your visit. And you never showed.

Or was he just wanting to know where you were and what you were doing?

Two different directions my thoughts are taking -

1) he cares about you, he was hurt, and the petulant, childish side of him (we all have this) wanted to show you how it felt. And now he's succeeded in getting the message through to you (because you've apologised, over and over) he could be feeling a bit ashamed of himself for being so childish - or he could be feeling a bit more powerful, that he managed to control you more than he thought he ever could.

OR


2) He's a control freak, also very suspicious. He kept badgering you for a REAL explanation of why you didn't go over to visit, and wasn't really satisfied when you just insisted that you'd got yourself caught up in completing your maths work. His reaction to your continued insistence is a sort of, "Well, if you say so," but I don't think he believes you. And THAT is why he was so distant, and wanting to make a point about it with, "Have you noticed I'm a bit distant today?" which is REALLY childish. However, if he is justifying it to himself by thinking that YOU were childish first (by not telling him your real reason for not visiting) then there still is a wedge between you.

If he suspects you of sneaking around and being dishonest - then it's an indication that HE is actually likely to do that (which is why he suspects it in everyone else - because 'isn't EVERYONE like this?')

If he is so insecure that he HAS to know where you are and what you're doing, then there are problems.

If you HAD said to him, "Sorry, I'm going to have to work on my homework. I don't know how long I'll be with it; if I finish it early I'll ring you and maybe we can do something then," what would he have done? Would he have gone out on his own? Or would he have waited for your call? Or would he have said, "Maybe I'll come and visit you instead, I could help you with your maths."

Really, this should be no big deal. It does seem to have blown up out of proportion, because he won't accept your explanation. I think that is why you kept apologising over and over - because you sensed his disbelief.

So for now - the subject should be closed. Give him space. I wouldn't be insisting on an apology from him, but only because the subject should now be forever closed.

However, if he brings it up again, you should say, "I have already apologised for that. There must be some reason you won't let it go - is it possible that you don't believe me when I said it was simply me losing track of time while working on my maths? Why do you not believe me? What do you think I was doing instead?"

and take it from there.

If he believes you were using the time to go meet someone else, then you could have just said to him, "Sorry, I don't want to come over this afternoon, I'm really tired and I just want to get some rest."

I'm wondering if he beleives you were out with someone else. Maybe he saw someone who lookedl ike you, or someone else saw someone who looked like you, and they've told him. His waiting in all afternoon to no avail could have been flared up by even more resentment if someone said to him, "Of course she didn't want to visit, she was out with her friends at the cafe," or whatever, and you won't admit to 'the truth' (in his mind).

What I'm saying here - either he's playing childish games for no reason (and the sooner you find out he's a brat, the better) or someone is messing with his head and trying to cause trouble between you. Or he's just had a petulant moment (or few days).

So - give him space, do your own thing, then when you next talk, this subject should be closed.

But keep your eyes open, go carefully, don't let him play mind games with you again.

If he ever implies he doesn't believe you, or distrusts you - call him on it, immediately. You can do it politely, there's no need to be aggressive about it. But it's easy to say, "You seem to have a problem with this. Will you tell me what it is?"
He then has the choice to face his own fears, or continue to play silly games.

I hope this sorts itself out for you. A partner who only SEEMS perfect but who really has feet of clay, is worse than no partner. But even the best partner will at times have times of resentment and insecurity. Only you can find out which it is.

Marg

 

[witzend]

It's lousy that you guys seem to have hit a speed bump. He has a point that you were vague with him, but he is being immature, to be sure. I hope he will put on his big boy pants and move on. Your apology should have been enough.

If it were me, I'd have to wonder what it is that's really niggling under his skin, because he made way too big of a fuss.

 

[meowbunny]

I really understand his point of view. I really and truly get upset if you tell me you are going to call or come over and don't. I don't care if you're my friend, daughter, mother, lover. If you say you're going to do it, do it! If you can't do it, then make the time to tell me that. Don't. keep. me. hanging.

Honestly, he's handling it better than I would. I would have told you it's been swell (and my gut feeling is this isn't the first time he's been shoved to the side and kept waiting for something). If I loved you, I probably would have avoided the phone for the simple reason it would have gotten ugly had I spoken to you. I would not have done it to punish you but to protect you from my anger.

I know you've said you're sorry and it does sound like he will get over it. The reality is that sorry doesn't make the hurt go away, it acknowledges the other person was hurt and that you cared enough to feel bad about hurting the person. He knows you didn't do it on purpose but he's hurt. He probably could have accepted you saying you were tired, you needed to study, you really couldn't make it today. But you didn't do that. You kept saying you were coming. He had the joy of sitting and waiting for you and not doing something else.

If he's like me, he'll hash the day over in his mind and get over it because he cares about you. He may even apologize for not answering your calls and leavng you hanging. What you do about that is up to you. Personally, I'd let it go after letting him know how that made you feel. Yes, his pouting was wrong and childish but he did have a right to be angry and upset.

 

[Abbey]

(disclaimer: I am NOT a relationship expert)

I feel your frustration, but like others have said...head games comes into my tiny mind. Why anyone would intentionally set out to hurt someone is beyond my comprehension. Do loving couples hurt each other? Sure!!! But mostly it comes from stress, being overloaded (YOU dear) or simply a bad day. If there is a person on Earth that doesn't have any of those, I'd love to meet him or her.

So, when these things happen, you pout for a day or two...maybe three, then you GET OVER IT.

Give him space to think. It's when the 'getting over it' happens on a weekly basis you need to be REALLY concerned. Everyone needs a breather here and there.

(Remember the disclaimer)

Abbey

 

[busywend]

Give him the space.

Then really, truly communicate what happened with each other. If you can talk through it you will both understand each other better. Each of you should come away with a new sense for the incident.

Communication with men, in my humble opinion, is difficult. Sharing his feelings could be why he is taking some time away from the discussion.

 

[butterflydreams]

Thank you everyone for all the different points of view! That is why I like coming here, everyone has a different way of looking at things.

J called me last night after I got home from class. We talked. His big thing was that my behavior had reminded him of not only his ex-wife, but an ex-girlfriend, both of whom were really bad with that sort of thing. His ex was a person who never cared about what you wanted or what your plans were it was only what she wanted. (There is more to it - even their kids resent her.) The ex-girlfriend was there for awhile, he helped her out when she needed it and then she didn't have time for him anymore.

I had thought there was some connection there, with his ex's. Anyway, we also discussed how I have been feeling off with the Zoloft. I have a doctors appointment on Monday so I will discuss how I am feeling with him then.

J said he would never want to stand in my way of achieving my degree and knows I have a lot going on with my kids and working too. He gets that, and he appreciates how I do so much for the kids and go to bat for them - his ex would have NEVER done anything like that for her own kids.

We had a very nice conversation. He said he is worried about me, he knows I have been under a lot of stress with difficult child, going to school, and work. He asked about the kids and how they are doing. Then we said goodnight.