I have a plan

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Arielle, Mar 10, 2008.

  1. Arielle

    Arielle New Member

    After daughter has pooped in her pants for 2 1/2 weeks straight, cut off her own bangs all the way up to the scalp (I am of the opinion that this is not normal for a 8-year old and also an act of defiance) and tore apart one pane of the vertical blinds in her room in 4 places, I have demanded that husband take his head out of the sand and open his eyes. He is not completely on board with me and supportive about daughter's behavior. He drives me crazy when he says that "daughter does not act like that with him". Well, hello????, I am with her most of the time. I am the disciplinarian and the one that requests her to clean her room, do her homework, etc. -- things she hates to do. On the rare occasion when he is actually home, he gets to do all the fun stuff like take her to swimming lessons, go to a hockey game, etc. He has seen some of her outbursts, but not full-blown meltdowns like I do.

    Anyhow, today she is going for a visit to her Developmental Pediatrician. Since I was at my wits end about her pooping in her pants when we had people over our house to celebrate her birthday and she lied about it (my friend smelled it and it was humiliating), I told husband that this is the last straw. He had to agree to daughter seeing a child psychiatrist. He gave in to a consult, but he is not giving in to medication -- yet. We have an appointment. next week and hope to be on the way to diagnosing her officially. At the suggestion of her regular pediatrician who I called when I was in desperation last week, he suggested we take her to a pediatric gastroenterologist to rule out there is nothing physically impacting her bowels. (I think it is all behavior and not physical but leave that up to a professional to decide.) We have an appointment. a week from Tuesday.

    Wish me luck. I need it and am totally wiped out and sad. I can't stop crying and feeling sorry for myself. I wish I had the total understanding of my husband and he was in this with me. To me, it feels as if he is teamed up with daughter and I am the one that am nuts. Sometimes, I just want to crawl under a rock.
  2. SRL

    SRL Active Member

    Good luck with the evaluations. In some ways I think this is the hardest time because you've reached the conclusion that something is amiss but you don't yet have validation from doctors and/or understanding from friends and family members.

    I hope everything goes well, let us know.
  3. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Hi! Don't crawl under a rock, it hurts and it's dirty!

    Did you ever stop to think that you should be wiped out? Your daughter is running you ragged and your husband is Cleopatra (Queen of De-Nile!).

    IN NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM IS THIS A DIG AT THE MALES ON THIS BOARD: Most dad's are in direct ignorance with what we go through. There are those who've finally "come to the dark side" and wake up to the situation, there are those who actually step up, but the vast majority take their cues from us OR deny that there's a problem. You are ABSOLUTELY not alone in this!

    Honestly, you might want to take a look at quite a few of the signatures of the Moms on the board. Quite a few list depression and a variety of medications that they themselves are taking to alleviate some of the stress that they encounter daily while raising a difficult child. OR they're suffering from a lot of physical ailments because their priority is the difficult child rather than taking care of themselves.

    Talking to a professional for yourself is probably one of the best gifts that you can give yourself. Please consider this as you are going through a really, really tough time right now and you're doing it without the support of your husband. There's no shame in looking out for yourself. If you're in such a state, you're not going to be able to fight the fight for you OR for your daughter.

    Remember: you signed up to be her Mom, not her best friend. I'm working on my "second skin". I don't care if they like me, I just want to make sure that they grow up to be respectful, respectABLE human beings. Anything other than that is just icing on the cake!

    My latest and greatest outlook on life is: Life is NOT a bowl of cherries - it's more like a jar of jalopenos: whatever I do today will burn my :censored2: tomorrow!


    Keep your chin up, go talk to someone who's soul focus will be YOU and your situation and keep talking to us! We know where you are and will be here to help you get where you need to be!

    Feel better honey!

  4. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    Hopefully the upcoming appointments will give you some answers and help.

    As for your husband....I had one of those to a point. When we first got difficult child (adopted out of foster care), I stayed home with him so I was the lucky one to see all of the meltdowns, rages and lack of common sense behavior. I would tell husband about it but I don't think he truly got it. On days when husband wasn't working, he would take difficult child with him to do things, run errands or whatever and get a dose of it. Then he would come home and tell me all the things that difficult child did.......and every one of them were things that I've seen and described to husband. It was like he didn't TRULY believe me till it happened to him and even then it was a big shock. ("You won't believe what he did.....he drove me NUTS....I can't believe he did this.......blah blah blah blah blah) I would just look at him like "Well no **** Sherlock. What do you think I've been talking about all of this time" I would suggest that husband goes to the evaluation appointment with you. It might open his eyes a bit.

    Sending hugs and good thoughts.
  5. navineja

    navineja New Member

    been there done that too. husband was of the opinion that if I would "just handle situations differently" that it would be aaaaaaaaallllll better! So we decided to test his theory by letting him handle all corrections, discipline, and instructions for a week. However, it only took a day or so (we started on a weekend) for him to see the light! In the meantime, I got a welcome break from being the "big meanie".
    husband also benefited from meeting with the therapist with me. For some reason, she could tell him the same things that I did, but he understood it better when she said it (in regards to why the twins do the things they do and the best ways to handle it).

    Best wishes are with you for husband to come around soon. Hugs too.
  6. So Tired

    So Tired Member


    Good for you for sticking to your guns and trusting your "mommy radar". If you feel somethings not right, than it probably isn't. I had problems with my son having "accidents" at this age, and we also had recently had a younger sibling. (About 7 years difference in their ages) That could be part of daughter's need for attention.

    My son was always a difficult child. Very demanding. I thought he was just "strong willed". He is now 18 and since I am unable to force him to do anything, real scary problems are happening that will effect his future. I'm glad that you are seeking professional help -- I regret that I did'nt seek that earlier for my son. I didn't want to admit that maybe something was wrong with him. (see, moms have guilt always, for what they did do, for what they didn't do......)

    I hope your husband gets on board soon and you feel supported......
  7. Arielle

    Arielle New Member

    Thank you so very much everyone from the bottom of my heart for your replies and support. It means a lot to have someone to come to for support that has an idea of what I am going through by your own daily experiences.

    I wish husband would open his eyes. The psychologist daughter is seeing has also seen us as a couple and individually to discuss our daughter without daughter being present. I feel better when I leave the psychologist's office because she validates what I am feeling as well as her opinion of how daughter is behaving. She has told husband to discipline daughter more than he has up until now and to try to stand by me and be on the same page where our daughter is concerned. He always says he would, but after we leave the psychologists office, I haven't really seen any changes.

    It really gets my goat when I call husband up at work and complain about daughter's behavior toward me while doing homework -- not sitting in her seat when expected to; getting up to get something to eat and drink; bathroom runs; playing with her little brother; going out on her scooter without permission; wanting to go to the park or watch tv; tells me that she does not have to listen to me and likes getting on my nerves, etc.; hits me or uses vulgarity and is disrespectful to me and tells me that I am not her boss and I don't tell her what to do. His stupid response has been why doesn't she do things with him? Well, hello, my response was "YOU NEVER DO HOMEWORK with her. You never request anything of her that she does not want to do, so there is no meltdown with you that at I see when we are together. I do not see what happens when you are alone with her."

    Yesterday, I asked her to do her homework and then afterwards we would go to the park for a short while because if was cold out. She wouldn't comply and do her homework and kicked me and hit me in the ribs. I called husband up to tell him, and he said "What is it this time?" This is truly unbelievable. My Mother wonders why I even bother calling him at all. He does not reprimand her or scold her. daughter knows she won't get punished by husband and takes advantage of that.

    (husband had a very tiny glimpse of daughter's behavior yesterday morning. I told him since she did not do her math homework, that I refused to do it for her and he would have to sit with her in the morning to do it. Well, she wasted time, was yawning and staring into space and not listening to what he was saying. He was getting angry with her. He did not give me the satisfaction of telling me that he now has somewhat of an idea of what I go through on a daily basis. :furious: Anyway, I did get enjoyment from listening in from the next room.)

    We are getting an honor's student from a high school to come to homework with her 2-3 times a week as her schedule permits. That will at least put some aggravation off of me, I hope. I am just worried that daughter will get used to the tutor and do to her what she does to me.

    In any event, I am glad that we will be going to see the Child Psychiatrist for a consult and evaluation this weekend. Hopefully, she will open husband's eyes, ears and mind.

    We also have the gasterenterologist appointment. on Tuesday.

    I will update when I know more.

    THanks everyone again for your support. It means alot.
  8. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Hi! I have to agree with your Mom! I wouldn't call him at work and honestly, if he's not going to actively engage in the situation, I'd go ahead and put her on the medications whether he agreed or not. Tough toenails! He's not dealing with it, then he doesn't get a say!

    Can you tell my kids are getting on my nerves? lol!

    I hate, when on top of all the garbage you have to put up with the children, you have to put up with someone else's denial!

    Well, that's my rant for the day, ok, hour, alright minute! It's been a tough day and it's not even 7:30!

    Glad you feel better!