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I hung up first
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 703252" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>SWOT, just catching up here and I hope you had a great Thanksgiving on Friday!</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>This really jumped out at me. Think about it. 40 years of having a behavior you can count on, that always wrings you out. When is enough enough? </p><p></p><p>I love that you hang up when he really starts in. That is a great boundary and I know you use it a lot. Kudos!</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes you are. You have really learned so much in your life about what is important. You have taught all of us on this forum so much. Thank you. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I get this. He is your son and you want to at least listen...when perhaps no one else will? Even the lawyer is tired. Can you imagine how your son wears him/her out as well? </p><p></p><p>I wonder if he didn't have his son to harangue about...would it be something else? With some people, it's always something.</p><p></p><p>I understand that you don't want to cut off contact. I wouldn't either. But can you expand the boundaries you've set, so that you only answer the phone once every...say...three times? Four times that he calls? Or start with every other time he calls. In other words, create more time, space, distance for yourself. Also, only answer it when you're rested and have time. Another boundary could be saying, when you do pick up the phone, Hey Son, I'm glad to hear from you. Just to let you know I only have five minutes as _________ and I'm going to be tied up. So what's up? Set a timer if you have to. In 5 minutes, get off the phone. No matter what he is saying.</p><p></p><p>I used to try some of these "tricks" with Difficult Child. They worked. They worked because I would write them down on a piece of paper and stare at that paper during the call. It worked for me because I had contact with him, but on my terms. If I could stick to my own "rules," I could protect myself much better from his bs, AND I was still having that contact that I wanted to have. Our relationship was finally on my terms. </p><p></p><p>You know SWOT, you are never going to able to satisfy him, in terms of his endless going on about issues. It's always something. Trying to reason and help doesn't work. So...it's just the contact that you want. Have it on your terms for once. </p><p></p><p>Maybe that 40-year drought will come to an end.</p><p></p><p>Hugs to you, dear friend.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 703252, member: 17542"] SWOT, just catching up here and I hope you had a great Thanksgiving on Friday! This really jumped out at me. Think about it. 40 years of having a behavior you can count on, that always wrings you out. When is enough enough? I love that you hang up when he really starts in. That is a great boundary and I know you use it a lot. Kudos! Yes you are. You have really learned so much in your life about what is important. You have taught all of us on this forum so much. Thank you. I get this. He is your son and you want to at least listen...when perhaps no one else will? Even the lawyer is tired. Can you imagine how your son wears him/her out as well? I wonder if he didn't have his son to harangue about...would it be something else? With some people, it's always something. I understand that you don't want to cut off contact. I wouldn't either. But can you expand the boundaries you've set, so that you only answer the phone once every...say...three times? Four times that he calls? Or start with every other time he calls. In other words, create more time, space, distance for yourself. Also, only answer it when you're rested and have time. Another boundary could be saying, when you do pick up the phone, Hey Son, I'm glad to hear from you. Just to let you know I only have five minutes as _________ and I'm going to be tied up. So what's up? Set a timer if you have to. In 5 minutes, get off the phone. No matter what he is saying. I used to try some of these "tricks" with Difficult Child. They worked. They worked because I would write them down on a piece of paper and stare at that paper during the call. It worked for me because I had contact with him, but on my terms. If I could stick to my own "rules," I could protect myself much better from his bs, AND I was still having that contact that I wanted to have. Our relationship was finally on my terms. You know SWOT, you are never going to able to satisfy him, in terms of his endless going on about issues. It's always something. Trying to reason and help doesn't work. So...it's just the contact that you want. Have it on your terms for once. Maybe that 40-year drought will come to an end. Hugs to you, dear friend. [/QUOTE]
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