I jinxed myself

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by toughlovin, Sep 4, 2014.

  1. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    OK now I get to practice what I preach and really take care of myself and not go off the rails myself!!!

    My son just texted me that he was discharged! I am not rescuing him. He plans to run and hide. I told him to take care of himself and keep in touch.... I did not offer to go and get him.
    I am heartsick...... and dang there is nothing I can do or really should do. We have done so much. A part of me wonders if I should call probation and give them a heads up.... but I think I wont do that. I am just going to stay out of it.


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  2. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    I'm proud of you for being so tough. I'm tougher than I used to be, but.....

    It's so unfortunate that difficult children put us in the position of tough love. I know, I know, it's their own actions, but it's till sooo unfortunate. And sad. And unfair. And...I don't want to be this tough. I want to be the soft wonderful mother...and they put us in this position.

    Thinking good thoughts for your difficult child. And YOU.
  3. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Keep taking care of yourself. difficult children are unpredictable. They give us hope one day then screw up badly the next. Been there/done that. They keep us on our toes.

    Your son will get his natural consequences. Stay out of it. He's a man. Let him do this himself. Just spoil yourself silly, if you can, and try hard to live in the moment. Hugs for your hurting heart.
  4. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Well I dont have to debate calling probation any more. I got a call from difficult children drug court lawyer so they already know... So I gave her his number and texted him with his info. I am glad I dont have to think about that question any more.

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  5. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Oh TL, I am so sorry.

    I so wish our difficult child's would think first...instead of acting out on impulse. I agree with MWM that difficult child will have to deal with the natural consequences of his choices/behavior.

    I know it hurts TL. All we want is for them to finally grow up and be responsible, happy, drug-free people...to "do the next right thing."

    And we can NEVER depend on them for our well-being can we? Our sanity and happiness rest in our own hands.

    Buy some pretty flowers for yourself, get a pedicure, relax in a candle-lit tub. Yes, be very kind to yourself after being emotionally tossed around. I do understand.

    caring hugs and prayers,
  6. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    TL, that's shocking. Any reason you can decipher?
  7. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    It sounds like he got angry and mouthed off to staff.... but my guess is it is more than that. He also said something about counting money which kind of worries me. But no matter it is what it is. I hope he calls his lawyer... I suspect he wont and will be on the run. So hopefully if he does that he will find a way to keep in touch and at least let me know he is alive. I keep repeating over and over that there is nothing I can do. I guess I will be saying the serenity prayer to get myself to sleep at night again!!


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  8. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Oh Boy TL. I am so sorry for your hearting mommy heart. XO
  9. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Ugh, I'm sorry TL.
  10. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    TL, That sounds like some stress-related bipolar manic stuff going on with him. I'm sorry. My brother does that all the time, and the staff at the facility in which he lives usually lets him let off steam, then he collects himself and is in check for a while. He is medication compliant, but he still has episodes.
  11. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    OK keep giving me pep talks I need them right now!

    So his lawyer called me. He did call her.... thank goodness. She said he was going to call probation and I hope he does. She asked if he had given us a check to cash and I said yes. She asked how much and I told her. He had earned some money and couldnt cash the check right away so we cashed it for him. So it was reasonable for him to have some money.... so if they are blaming him for something that he didnt do then that is not reasonable. If it was because he mouthed off at staff then that is a different issue. She called because she just wanted to confirm what he told her.

    So I had a lovely lunch with a new friend today and that was good and distracted me and I Was fine during it. Big big progress from a few years ago when nothing could distract me during a crisis.

    But once I was alone driving home I got antsy. I so want to call or text him to see if he is ok. I want to see if he has called probation and tell him he should if he hasn't. I want to see if he has heard anything. And I am holding back because I know know know that I need to let him handle this and stay out of it. He will get in touch if he needs me so I dont need to interfere.

    But darn it I want to so badly!! And it is because I want reassurance that things will be ok, that he is ok. I want to know it is all going to work out. I do not do well with this period of floating in the unknown. I hate it. And I have to sit here, and I may be sitting here for awhile.

    I know from experience that I will get better at it, that I may not feel this so acutely tomorrow.

    Part of it is just the PTSD of it all.... I have been here before and I dont want to be here again. I just don't.

    Thank goodness I have plans tonight, and all day tomorrow and Saturday. Things I like to do.... because I need a lot of distraction right now.

    But keep up the pep talks... they help.


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  12. FlowerGarden

    FlowerGarden Active Member

    So sorry for what you are going through. Hugs and positive thoughts being sent your way.
  13. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Thank you all.....no news but I must be doing better than I have done in the past because I slept last night!!! My husband is home from his business trip so that helps.... and I just need to keep busy because when I am busy I am ok. When I am alone I start stewing about him.


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  14. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry to hear this!!! But glad you are understanding and knowing that it is not within your control and there is nothing you can do. They are the only captain of their ship and only they can steer the course...
  15. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Hang in there. He called his lawyer, that is a good step. He will have to do this "his way" and it won't look like what you would do, but if you can hold back, that is best, and let it play out.

    I know how hard it is, but he is making choices.

    He is making choices.

    Let him make them.

    Warm hugs. Stay busy. Scrub the kitchen floor if you have to---that's my go-to immediate solution for the crazies. :)
  16. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    It was always easier on me when my husband was home also. When I was alone I would obsess over her and want to contact her. TL you have been through this before, he knows how to take care of himself and it does sound like he is thinking clearer. He got in touch with his lawyer and that is good. Let's hope it was just a mixup. I know how hard it is when our loved one is out of touch and we don't know what's going on. One thing you know for sure is that he eventually always contacts you.

    Sending thoughts of peace for you.
  17. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Thanks Nancy! Well I got a call from his lawyer today... he was supposed to show up at court his morning and did not and so there is a warrant out for his arrest. Sounds like he gave a false address as well! Dumb. I told the lawyer I would call him as he did not respond to her message.

    So I called him! Told him he should contact the lawyer, that he didnt show up at court and so now there is a warrant out. The right thing would be for him to turn himself in. He said that is not going to happen... he is going to try and hide from them! And he was not going to tell me anything because he didnt trust me not to tell them. It is true I will not lie for him. Then he hung up. I texted him and told him he didnt need to tell me where he is but could he regularly text me and let me know he is ok and alive. I got no response.

    So I am kind of mad and also really sad... and fighting depression. I suspect I wont hear from him for a while and I have no way of tracking him... he deleted his fb account, and his phone is not on our plan. Maybe it is good I cant track him, it will be one more step for me to let go.

    You are right we have been through this before, the weather is warm and he can take care of himself. If he stays in the state I doubt it will be long before he has some kind of run in with the police and gets picked up on the warrant. And then I think he will do time.


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  18. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry to hear he isn't taking care of his responsibilities. It would be so much easier on them if they would just take care of their own business instead of avoiding it and making it all worse.

    Take your time and realize that if he is on the run he will probably lay low and try to stay out of trouble so he doesn't get caught. Right?
  19. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Yeah but he always gets caught... and fact is with a warrant out for him he doesnt have to do anything illegal, just something to catch the attention of the police. He is not good at laying low, he always gets caught doing something.

    But really in many ways I would rather have him get caught than be on the run. Then I will know where he is and he can move on again.....

    It really is a matter of time I think.


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  20. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    TL, I am right there with you. Remember my last post when I said that difficult child was doing well and asked to be a peer leader in her house for reduced rent? Well, right after that she got fired from her job and went out and got a prescription for xanax filled and was found with pain pills. The halfway house told her that she had to go to a 30-day inpatient program or they would drive her to the salvation army and drop her off.

    She chose the inpatient program but from what we were told today she is still drug-seeking. The halfway house said that they would take her back only if she completes the inpatient program. I don't know what she is going to do if she gets kicked out of the inpatient program.

    difficult child broke the contract that her therapist at the IOP had written which said that husband and I would cease all financial support if she relapsed. Her therapist is totally backing us sticking to the contract and even breaking off contact for a while which we have basically done.

    I have been pulling back from difficult child for a long time now. I don't tolerate any manipulation and even hung up on her call last week when she and her therapist called from her therapist's office. She started with the old "I feel like you don't love me" since I told her that she was on her own now to figure things out. I told her that I wasn't listening to that and hung up.

    Long story short, I believe I am finally ready to let go and let God. It took me a very long time to get here and I had to finally realize that I couldn't fix her.


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