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I just got one of those dreaded messages from my son
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 686408" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Just a couple of thoughts about this, fwiw:</p><p></p><p>the nature of our DCs is both manipulative (especially to we moms) and self-centered, i.e., the world revolves around them.</p><p></p><p>At the same time, I began to see, at times, that nothing he did or said was truly aimed at me, in fact, he never even thought about me and what I was thinking or feeling, and how his actions affected me....only that I was another spoke on his wheel to tap into, one that he could just about always count on to respond, and he was seeing what I could provide for him, whether it was a sounding board, emotional support, money, a place to stay, food, a ride, whatever big or small thing he needed....even just a breathing someone to tell that he knew would just about always, always respond. </p><p></p><p>I think Difficult Child took me so much for granted, even when he was on the street and in jail, that I was the one person (out of maybe two people---his dad and me) that would respond in some way, even if not the way he wanted. </p><p></p><p>I guess what I am saying is that we are assuming that they react like we react, in that "can't they see how much they are hurting us?" I don't think that ever enters into it, when they are in the throes of their diagnosis. </p><p></p><p>The nature of the disease itself (mental illness, substance abuse, etc.) includes the symptoms of denial and self-centeredness. They deny their own condition so they don't recognize the symptoms. They just want what they want.</p><p></p><p>I have been told that addiction (a mental illness by definition) produces the most selfish people on the planet. It is just about feeding the addiction. </p><p></p><p>So my point is this: we give them way too much "credit" when we assume that they are feeling like we feel. We see the effect we have on others, and we moderate our behavior. They don't. The illness doesn't allow it. </p><p></p><p>Hope that makes sense. I see it as a distinction.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 686408, member: 17542"] Just a couple of thoughts about this, fwiw: the nature of our DCs is both manipulative (especially to we moms) and self-centered, i.e., the world revolves around them. At the same time, I began to see, at times, that nothing he did or said was truly aimed at me, in fact, he never even thought about me and what I was thinking or feeling, and how his actions affected me....only that I was another spoke on his wheel to tap into, one that he could just about always count on to respond, and he was seeing what I could provide for him, whether it was a sounding board, emotional support, money, a place to stay, food, a ride, whatever big or small thing he needed....even just a breathing someone to tell that he knew would just about always, always respond. I think Difficult Child took me so much for granted, even when he was on the street and in jail, that I was the one person (out of maybe two people---his dad and me) that would respond in some way, even if not the way he wanted. I guess what I am saying is that we are assuming that they react like we react, in that "can't they see how much they are hurting us?" I don't think that ever enters into it, when they are in the throes of their diagnosis. The nature of the disease itself (mental illness, substance abuse, etc.) includes the symptoms of denial and self-centeredness. They deny their own condition so they don't recognize the symptoms. They just want what they want. I have been told that addiction (a mental illness by definition) produces the most selfish people on the planet. It is just about feeding the addiction. So my point is this: we give them way too much "credit" when we assume that they are feeling like we feel. We see the effect we have on others, and we moderate our behavior. They don't. The illness doesn't allow it. Hope that makes sense. I see it as a distinction. [/QUOTE]
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I just got one of those dreaded messages from my son
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