I just kicked my 18 year old out

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by imdone1, Feb 26, 2012.

  1. imdone1

    imdone1 New Member

    I just kicked my 18 year old out, disconnected his phone, exactly because of everyone else's reasons...does nothing, parties, smokes weed, does not obey the rules that I gave him in writing, etc. He got extremely angry and was going to hit me. This is the 3rd time he has done this. Last time he put a hole in the wall. So for the third time I called the police here in California. Guess what? I have to go to court and get an eviction notice. Yes! You heard right. The police can not force him to leave, can't do anything except arrest him after he hits me, or puts more holes in the wall. So in order for me to feel safe and protect my 2 younger children, we have to leave, until I can obtain an eviction notice, that after it is served, allows him to stay here an endanger us for 30 days before the Sherriff will come. I do not want him here anymore endangering us in our tiny house, and using it as a hotel. And of course I am absolutely scared for what will become of him out there on the street, but I believe in tough love and feel mine must hit the bottom before he reacts...I just have to pray to God that someone comes in his life at some point who can mentor him before it is truly too late. Thanks for the blog. Sorry I wasn't much help, but for those of you in CA, now you know the law...and the officer let me know this right in front of him.
  2. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    If he is threatening to hit you, you should be able to get a restraining order? Did the police talk to you about that option?

  3. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Tomorrow go to a domestic violence center and get them to help you. You are a victim of domestic violence and it doesn't matter that he is your son. Insist on pressing charges against him for the holes and for threatening to hit you. the Sheriff may not want to do anything if it is just you complaining, but the DV center puts a whole new spin on things and they should be able to get help and enough clout to get you a restraining order which means that your son will not be allowed within so many feet of you and of your younger kids. IF that is not enough, call childrens protective services an report that he is a threat to your younger children's safety and you need their help to protect your younger children. This will get help from them as he is an adult and the younger kds cannot be put into danger. By reporting it and trying to throw him out and getting help from the DV center you will be showing that you are doing all you can to keep the kids safe and they wll help you get him out.

    I know how hard this is on you because you love your son as much as your other kids, but clearly you can see that you are not helping him by enabling his drug use and behavior, so you are doing what is best for EVERYONE. Plus you will be showing your kids how to stand up for themselves and keep themselves safe - and that is an awesome thing! I have had to get help and get my son out because he was putting us in danger and battering ME and while our dv center hadn't helped a parent being abused by a child, they did help me anyway (this was almost 7 yrs ago), and recently I was speaking to my counselor when I ran into her in the store and she said they have gotten more parents with the same probelms that I had and have been able to help because I pushed them to help me.

    Just because the violence is directed at a parent from a child, rather than at a child from a parent, does NOT make it any less of a DV situation. Don't be afraid that they won't/can't help or will judge you - that isn't how it works and you are being a AWESOME parent by insisting he not be around to hurt you or the kids and that the kids see you protect them. I know it is hard and scary, but it IS for the best for all of you.
  4. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    (Can someone break this off into its own thread?)

    I am so sorry you are going thru this. So many of us have been in your shoes.

    I agree with TL - you definitely need to file for a restraining order. Please do so ASAP and every single time your son is threatening or actually out of control, please call the police. Maybe you can't kick him out - but you can protect yourself and more importantly - protect your younger kids. And you can let your son know that you are not going to take his abuse. Please also get a good lock and an alarm system if you don't have one all ready. Even just the "alarm on premises" stickers are better than nothing.

    A group of us dealing with out of control older teens who are using booze & drugs are posting on the substance abuse board http://www.conductdisorders.com/forum/f11/ You are welcome to post on that board as well. I am so glad you found us, we get what you are going thru. I am sorry you had to find us too because it is an awful feeling to watch your beloved child mess up his life. {hugs}
  5. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Video tape his raging behaviors and Get an order of protection for you and your younger children. He will then have to leave. DSS might be able to help you but I would try all else before contacting them. -RM
  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I'm with Susie. There is a way to speed up the process, as in make it immediate, by paying your local domestic violence shelter a visit and talking with them. They'll help you get the restraining order, since he threatens physical violence, and once you have that he can no longer stay there because he won't be allowed within 100 yards of you.

  7. mrsammler

    mrsammler Guest

    We went through this with my nephew years ago. If you really need him out of the house--and it certainly sounds like you do--you need to tell him that you're initiating formal eviction and that he has 30 days to be out of the house, and then go to the magristrate's office in town and swear out warrants for the crimes that he has committed. If he has punched a hole in your wall, that's a crime. If he has threatened you with violence, that's assault (it doesn't have to be physical contact--merely threatening violence is technically assault in most states), and so on. Tell the magistrate everything he's done and he/she will advise as to which are crimes. Then swear out warrants for all of them and then have the police come over and arrest him. He'll raise hell, of course, but he should've thought about that before all of the terrible mistreatment and misbehavior that you've described. He won't be able to make bail, so he'll be locked up for a while (given the multiple offenses), perhaps the entirety of the 30 days of his eviction notice. Then you can put him out of the house via legal eviction and, if you like, merely drop the charges.

    There's absolutely no reason for you to simply endure his ongoing residence in your home if he is smoking pot in the house, destroying property, threatening violence, and so on. There are laws against what he's doing, and you can exploit them. But you'll need to be tough--this is not an easy path. Then again, neither is just tolerating his mistreatment of you and misbehavior in your home.
  8. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    I don't know the laws in California - but here in SC and most other states I belive Mr S ammler is correct - THREATENING to hit anyone is assault. Unless Cali has some whacky laws - I don't think I would take the word of a sheriff. I believe I would call a lawyer for a free consultation or call a legal aid place in your area (GOOGLE IT FOR : legal aid town I live in)

    Also Susie* had an excellent idea with the domestic violence shelter - because if you are subjecting TWO younger children to an abusive situation and they go to school and report their brother is being abusive I wonder if CHILD protective services can take them away from you? (just a thought) and put them into foster care until the violent child is gone.

    SO - I think you need to get in touch with an attorney and get somethings done - PRONTO.

    I'm very sorry for your 18 year old - Perhaps if he DID hit you - he could get some anger management counseling. Do you have a brother or a friend that could stay with you for now? How about buying a cheap nanny cam and hiding it somewhere and getting him on video in case he DOES get violent again?

    Hugs - Welcome -