I just want to cry

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by zaftigmama, Jan 3, 2012.

  1. zaftigmama

    zaftigmama New Member


    I'm just a ball of mixed emotions these days. Every so often someone will approach me in a store and tell me to savor these times, that their children are grown and gone and he or she would do anything to get them back just for a single day. I try to take that to heart.

    but then...

    I'd say I'm at the end of my rope, but I'm sure you all understand what it's like to LIVE at the end of your rope. My boys have always been very different. Bug is hypotonic, Brownie is hypertonic; Bug is sensory seeking, Brownie is sensory avoiding, etc. All of this has just made homeschooling HELL.

    Brownie wants to be around other kids, but refuses to participate in anything where he'll have to take direction from an adult--he wants nonstop playdates. Bug, on the other hand, loves to take classes but is too high-maintenance for what the homeschool community--or even your average afterschool class--requires, he needs too much 1:1 time, is always talking, dominating the conversation, etc...there's also just a general misunderstanding of special needs.

    We were attempting one class and during a phone conversation the instructor flat-out told me that it was time for us to change our parenting style. I gave her a copy of The Explosive Child from the library--which she still hasn't returned.

    Bug has a really hard time on playdates, it takes him a long time to settle, he wanders, asks for thing after thing, tries to rummage through cabinets/the refrigerator...we had one standing playdate on Thursdays until Bug peed on their front path during one visit and cursed during another. The mom made one excuse after another--and when I heard from one of the other moms that the playdate was still happening, I knew we had been purposely excluded.
    This is just the most recent incident. I'm sad and angry about it all. I just want my lovely boys to have what they need & want.

    We do have difficult child friends, but most of them go to school so we only see them on weekends/school breaks.

    We soldier on. Today we go to an indoor playground run by the city, mainly for preschoolers and toddlers, but my kids are on the small side so I figure we'll be OK. We walk in. Dennis sees a couple of older boys and he's off and running. Bug runs to various people screaming that he's too old for this place, he's six and this place is for BABIES. Meanwhile, Bug is about the size of a four-year-old. I finally get him distracted and having fun. I have to shadow him because the other kids are so small, and because I'm trying to fly under the radar here--we have so few options left and I don't want to get kicked out and then our only social outlet will be the McDonald's Playplace.

    There are a couple of incidents--like Bug collapsing on the floor wailing because a two-year-old shrugged at him and Bug took that as an insult, or Bug and Brownie getting into a fight over a bag of chips, and Brownie running across the gym screaming, trailing chips behind him. But all in all, it was a success.

    After, they wanted to get lunch at the luncheonette across the street. We needed to use the ATM at the store next door, so we went over there. Bug fired off nonstop demands for various things, usually candy--grab NO grab NO grab NO--and then left the store with a bag of M&Ms, which we quickly returned.

    Then Brownie kicked my bag when I told him he couldn't have a gumball after lunch--we were going to get some Chiclets--so I say, no way, forget it, no kicking, you know the rules, and of course HE FLIPS OUT, true hysterics, tears, shuddering, hyperventilation, etc...I prompt him, "what's something you could say to make it better?"

    "I HATE YOU!"

    I try so very hard to not give my energy to their storms, to keep calm, to be the strong and sturdy oak--but dammit, you know, could we just cross the street WITHOUT a meltdown? Is that too much to ask? I know they're children, I know they have disabilities, I know it's not their fault, but all that doesn't stop me from feeling like I have the most thankless job on the planet.

    I feel like I have giant toddlers.
  2. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    Well, crying is therapeutic sometimes :hugs:
    You paint a vivid picture and I can see it all - especially as my difficult child is also doing some of this kind of stuff (rifling through fridges, grabbing bags in shops, etc; a bit less than he used to, but not much). Dealing with two children with different special needs... who would not feel in need of a good cry now and then? You are a warrior mum and doing what probably seems like a thankless task. I think there will be thanks down the line, one way or another, but that's maybe not much comfort now.
    Day by day. Are you getting the respite and restorative times you need to keep functioning with these kind of demands? You have special needs too.
  3. Methuselah

    Methuselah New Member

    Zaftigmama, I find crying and cursing really therapeutic. I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I'm sorry I feel this way, too. :-(
  4. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    I completely understand what you're feeling. I've been there myself. difficult child 2 is my "touchy-feely hands-on" child. difficult child 1 is sensory seeking EXCEPT from people. Makes it tough when difficult child 2 wants to touch or hug and difficult child 1 avoids that at all costs. I can't get either of mine to realize what the OTHER is feeling or wanting. We also kind of home-school....we do an online school. difficult child 1 is 1:1 completely or NOTHING would get done. I am VERY lucky in that difficult child 2 is very independent but I feel bad when he DOES need help with something and he has to wait until difficult child 1 takes a break or is done for the day. It is very overwhelming. We have finally gotten to the point where difficult child 1 can handle being out in public or at other's homes without doing a lot of the things you're describing. Know that there IS hope. Mine are also twins so I know how hard it is when you have differing mindsets.

    Have you had any luck getting into a neuropsychologist? It will be hard to deal with things appropriately without knowing exactly what you are dealing with. In a way, you DO have 2 giant toddlers. Emotionally, that is where they are at, especially Bug. Do you get ANY "me" time? I'm not sure where you are but here, we have a MH case manager that we can arrange services through. difficult child 1 had social skills training with a professional that took him out to work with him. We also have the option of regular respite if things get to be too much for me. I am a single parent and this is a life-saver for me. I used to see a therapist to process problems and feelings with.

    Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I totally understand and have had the same feelings many times. Remember though that until I got the correct diagnosis and KNEW what I was dealing with, things were like you described. Since I KNOW now, I am better "prepared" (for lack of a better word) to handle things in ways that work but it is still difficult. {{{{HUGS}}}} to you.
  5. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I, too, understand and can only sending supportive hugs your way. DDD
  6. Ktllc

    Ktllc New Member

    Big hugs! We understand.
    With V, there is NO way I could schedule all those activities. It would be just too much to handle.
    We do things, but I usually limit it to one thing at a time. And not too often.
    People don't understand why I'm not eager to just run around places and keep the kids entertained. It simply is TOO much and completly counter productive in our family.
    Yes, sometimes I wish we could go to the park, then hit some stores and restaurant all the same day. But if we do that: complete nightmare and very stressfull for me.
    My parents get bored when they come over, but I have learned to just say "no, it's too much".
    I know you wish for playdates and regular activities, but... it can be really overstimulating.
    Sometimes, even an extra stop to where ever (bank, pharmacy, etc) will be too uch and I just won't do it. There is always tomorrow. Is it a waste of time and miles? Yes. But it saves our sanity and very fragile peace.
    It would be sooo much easier to have 3 easy child... but I have 2 easy child(ish) and 1 difficult child...
  7. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Zmama-I soooo understand. First off, I bow to the fact that you are able to home school. Seriously, I know that I could not do it and I'm a teacher! To teach my own difficult child or easy child/difficult child-no way.

    Taking my two out together is something we do as little as possible. They are both such opposites and easy child/difficult child is embarrassed by the way difficult child acts even when he is being appropriate because she is so withdrawn compared to him.

    Sometimes I do just sit down and cry because somehow it can be therapeutic.

    Sending the gentlest of hugs your way.