I just want to whine...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by WSM, Aug 26, 2009.

  1. WSM

    WSM New Member

    It's taking so long for this court hearing on Sep 10. Two more weeks. I can't stay in this house if difficult child comes home, if he only gets probation or some kind of home detention. But the logistics of selling this house and getting court orders for husband to pay his share of the debts is overwhelming. I need more time to ease out, but if difficult child is let off, I won't have it. I hope he gets 18 months, but I doubt he will. Heck in Florida if one kid kills another kid, he only gets 3 years plus probation. difficult child took three weapons to school between ages 9 and 11 and was found at age 12 with 5 rx pills, no prescription in his pocket. What's that worth? At best 4-6 months.

    If I can only get until March, that will help a lot. If only I can get a transfer. If only I get get out of this $454 a month car lease. If only this house will sell and we aren't left with too much debt.

    Yesterday husband had to take difficult child for his competency hearing. We were arguing about the car lease (in my name, but leased for him and a car which he drives 100% of the time, but his hours were cut back to 32 and he won't put it on his credit card or get a second job so I'm stuck with it...I'm going to turn it in to leasetraders and maybe get out of the lease, maybe, maybe or just eat it, but whatever...), so husband refused to tell me what happened. He did drop a couple clues. It was 'rough' and it was 'hard to hear that about your own kid', but he didn't want to tell me because he 'doesn't feel close' to me now.

    Well, I can guess. It goes one of two ways always: they think difficult child is a victim-saint who's misunderstood and mistreated and yell at husband for being a bad father and not doing right for his kid; or they think difficult child is exhbiting antisocial behavior at a very young age and tell husband that this kid is big trouble. I'm guessing because of the comment 'it's hard to hear about your kid', it's the second one. This was a court appointed psychiatric and they've probably seen everything and aren't easily fooled. On the other hand, I've been shocked by how often people who should know better get stinked in by difficult child's cuteness and manners.

    Anyway, just a bundle of anxiety wondering how I'm going to get through the next 14 days. I have a list of things to do to make the transition easier if I have to do it abruptly, but it would be so much easier if I could count on having some more time to prepare.

    I so wish I had a chrystal ball. :faint:
  2. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Even if you get out with a mountain of debt, that's better than staying in a bad situation and still having a mountain of debt.


    One foot in front of the other.
  3. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Do you have an emergency plan if they send him home on Sept 10th?
  4. WSM

    WSM New Member

    Edited for privacy
    Last edited: Aug 28, 2009
  5. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    It may not help, but my 2nd husband had a top secret security clearance and job with DIA and managed to get charged with credit card fraud and child abuse, and still kept his job and his clearance. He also owed a few years of back taxes when we were married. It ticked me (and his other ex-wife, whose identity he stole), but he lost nothing. Of course, it's the well-meaning person like you, that would lose it.. I know :(
  6. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    Can you really receive alimony if you earn more than your ex-spouse? It was my understanding that alimony is paid to the party who was primarily supported by the other (as in the case of a stay at home mom who was supported by her husband's income).

    In your situation, if your husband was stuck with half the debts anda large mortgage--wouldn't he be entitled to receive support payments from you?

    I know you met with a lawyer....he probably already advised you about all of this.
  7. WSM

    WSM New Member

    With his child support he makes within a thousand or so of me. If I assume an unfair burden of the debt the judge can order alimony. If he orders alimony, I can get a garnishment. That way I can make sure the bills get paid.

    But it's better just to pay off the bills.

    by the way, per security cam, in the mornings husband is letting difficult child roam around upstairs without supervision again.
  8. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I totally understand the desire to get out ASAP. I hope that the judge and the "system" gets a clue and puts difficult child somewhere he can get help. I just don't have that much faith in the system.

    Is difficult child wandering around by himself or around the other kids? Have you put security cameras in the kids rooms so you can see if he destroys the rooms?

    does difficult child know about the cameras? If it was supposed to be a secret I would bet big $$$ that Daddy told him about them.

    I will keep praying for you all!
  9. WSM

    WSM New Member

    There's a camera downstairs, not upstairs. husband bought one but never put it up. I just saw husband and difficult child come downstairs, fuss in the dining room a bit, then difficult child went upstairs alone and came down a bit later. Long enough to go in the closest room, sister's and grab something. But not long enough to do a lot of damage. All the other kids were at school.

    In a couple days when stepd is missing something, husband will never admit difficult child had the opportunity to do it.

    I sure wish I knew what happened at the court psychiatrist yesterday. The public defender is next Tuesday. I'm going to tell husband tonight that I got Sep 10 off of work and can go to court. He's going to be so delighted--not. I know he wants desperately to find an way to get difficult child off, and am sure he is thinking of trying to say there are older teen boys in the house who might have 'lost' the pills or maybe even planted them. I hope he realizes he already told the CPS lady that difficult child told husband the pills were planted on him at school and then changed the story and told him they were planted on him at home. husband said to the CPS lady, "He's already changing his story."

    difficult child is not just being charged for the drugs tho, a 3rd degree felony. He was also charged with delinquency, so I don't know if that makes a difference. It's almost unbearable waiting. If there was no problem selling the house and splitting the debt, I'd walk now. dam economy.
  10. WSM

    WSM New Member

    Look what wikipedia has to say about denial (ala husband).

    "Denial is a defense mechanism postulated by Sigmund Freud, in which a person is faced with a fact that is too uncomfortable to accept and rejects it instead, insisting that it is not true despite what may be overwhelming evidence. [1] The subject may deny the reality of the unpleasant fact altogether (simple denial), admit the fact but deny its seriousness (minimization) or admit both the fact and seriousness but deny responsibility (projection). The concept of denial is particularly important to the study of addiction. The theory of denial was first researched seriously by Anna Freud. She classified denial as a mechanism of the immature mind, because it conflicts with the ability to learn from and cope with reality. Where denial occurs in mature minds, it is most often associated with death, dying and rape. More recent research has significantly expanded the scope and utility of the concept. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross used denial as the first of five stages in the psychology of a dying patient, and the idea has been extended to include the reactions of survivors to news of a death. Thus, when parents are informed of the death of a child, their first reaction is often of the form, "No! You must have the wrong house, you can't mean our child!"

    husband does all those things. And he has an immature mind. OMG that just fits so right.

    Here's more:

    "...The concept of denial is important in twelve-step programs, where the abandonment or reversal of denial forms the basis of the first, fourth, fifth, eighth and tenth steps. The ability to deny or minimize is an essential part of what enables an addict to continue his or her behavior in the face of evidence that, to an outsider, appears overwhelming. This is cited as one of the reasons that compulsion is seldom effective in treating addiction — the habit of denial remains."

    Last night I pointed out to husband that his drinking 16 oz of vodka was a contributing factor to his anger, self pity, and pessimism. Alcohol is a depressant. He put his hands over his ears.

    I don't nag about drinking, I know he's become an alcoholic and it doesn't matter because I want out and will get out. And I had an alcoholic ex and you can't do anything with them, did the alanon thing back then. Incredible that here's another one.

    More from Wiki:

    "...DARVO: An acronym to describe common strategy of abusers: Deny the abuse, then Attack the victim for attempting to make them accountable for their offense, thereby Reversing Victim and Offender. Psychologist Jennifer Freyd[4]. writes:

    "...I have observed that actual abusers threaten, bully and make a nightmare for anyone who holds them accountable or asks them to change their abusive behavior. This attack, intended to chill and terrify, typically includes intimidation, overt and covert attacks on the whistle-blower's credibility, and so on..... [T]he offender rapidly creates the impression that the whistle-blower is the wronged one, while the victim or concerned observer is depicted as the offender. Figure and ground are completely reversed... The offender is on the offense and the person attempting to hold the offender accountable is put on the defense."

    Last edited: Aug 26, 2009
  11. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Sweetie, you did the alanon thing ages ago. But then you married another man with alcoholism. Do you see this pattern?

    If you go to alanon and work with it, stick with it, use it to change YOU, and to help YOU cope with him, NOT as a way to get him to do or say anything.

    This will be very helpful once you are free of this marriage then you can use what you learn in alanon to choose a healthier, more stable mate.

    Nothing will change him unless/until he hits bottom AND doesn't like it. His bottom will NOT be the same for you, or husband or anyone else.

    You CAN learn to handle him in a way that puts responsibility on HIM, not on you.

    Just because you "did" alanon way back does NOT mean that a refresher course or other brush up on the principles and steps will not help. I get something new out of every meeting.

    Many gentle hugs and prayers that everyone in your family (including stepdau and dogs) will be safe very very soon .
  12. WSM

    WSM New Member

    This one's alcoholism blindsided me. I didn't realize it until about 4 or 5 months ago. He can drink 16 oz of vodka and not appear to show it at all, and he's been hiding it for years. I have seen him buzzed, I hate to think how much he's drunk at that time.

    I know I can't change him, that's why I want out.

    My ex hit bottom and liked it. Government gives him about $3000 a month disability, so he doesn't have to work and can drink all he wants. But he had to live in a welfare hotel for about a year to get there.

    I will never marry again. I'm financially stable (or will be), don't have a good picker, my kids are about grown. I will be one of those who has a gentleman friend I see all the time but we live in our own houses.

    I can't go to alanon now because it would be on weekends or the evening and I need to be home because of difficult child. In a minute I'll good and see if there's an online group. You are right about a refresher.

    Mostly tho I just want out and all this to be over.

    (He got home and is being hostile, argumentative and just a plain butthead with a chip on his shoulder the size of NYC. Thank god he left again for scouts).
  13. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    There are lunchtime al-anon meetings too, you might check into that. You might pull out your old al-anon literature if you still have it.. I re-read mine from time to time for a refresher :)

    I know the waiting is hard.
  14. Babbs

    Babbs New Member

    Hang in there, take care of yourself and your kids. You can do it.
  15. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hey, houses are starting to sell, at least around here! Houses that have been standing around for two years are suddenly sold! You may want to talk to a Realtor and consider seeing if you get any bites.

    I give your stepson two years before he's drinking heartily too, if husband hasn't already started giving him a few sips. Sounds like the perfect candidate and it IS hereditary, as far as an intolerance to alcohol.
  16. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Whew! What a lot of stuff to deal with. What a lot of information. Very interesting.
    Not to mention heartbreaking.
    You seem to have a grip on things and a good plan, considering how much you can't plan. Sigh.
    I'm sending strength.
  17. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I adn't thought of difficult child becoming an alcoholic, but I bet it is right on the money. I wonder how often dad gives him some alcohol to "calm him down" or "because everyone hates him".

    It will make the home life that much much worse!