I keep forgetting... the premise of "the rescuers" is that we, the parents, are evil!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by TheyAreLegallyAdultsNow, Jan 5, 2010.

  1. We had a FABULOUS series of holiday celebrations!!!!!!! :D

    We got to see LOTS of people over the holidays that were TOTALLY unaware of the status of our adopted heart-breakers. We had a bunch of visitors come to town, and afterward we got to go be visitors out of town ourselves.

    So many people asked about all our beloved children.

    We got to brag about our oldest's tremendously impressive accomplishments!!!!

    ...and we developed a "short but sweet" response when asked about our adoptees. (... because we didn't want to spend the holidays focusing on the ugliness of it all!!!)

    Our pat reply when asked about the adopted kids was...

    ..."Every professional we have spoken to says they are going through a phase common to adoptees."

    EVERY SINGLE person we told that to, with no further embellishment or explaination... told us stories about the heartache of adoptive parents they knew that mirrored entirely our circumstance!!!

    These people had NO IDEA of ANY of our details... yet with with only our simple 16 word answer; they were ALL able to call to mind friends and family members who had also experienced tremendous heartache at the hands of the adopted children to whom they had poured out so much of their lives to love.

    We didn't dwell on the topic... they spoke their encouragement; we thanked them then said we really didn't want to spend the holidays focusing on that subject. They understood completely!!!!!!!!

    We REALLY had a FABULOUS TIME!!!!!!!! :redface:

    And yet CONVERSELY the people who have chosen to surround our adult children in "savior mode" :mad: becoming "the loving family" those "poor kids never had" (some going so far as to take on the title of each legally-adult-child’s "new mom and dad") want to know why "if our child is REALLY 'mentally ill' ..." blah blah blah blah blah... They prattle on a litany of what they consider "evidence" that we are lying while we are actually trying to educate them about the BEST way to REALLY help our now legally-adult-kids.

    I really have such a hard time understanding how those people would think we made up the diagnosis of Reactive Attachment Disorder... They've added it and their own imaginations to our children's dramatic lies as "even MORE evidence" we have been so horrible to our children.

    Oh, that's right, I've forgotten... the premise of those in "rescue mode" is not that we HAVE ALWAYS BEEN a loving family that opened our loving hearts and loving homes to pour out all we could to these children that we adopted as our own.

    Their premise is we, the parents, are evil. :devil2:


    They are so blind they don't see how much damage they are doing "feeding the beast" of Reactive Attachment Disorder by being so gullible and fostering our adopted children’s efforts of triangulization.

    Meanwhile the adoptees are local celebrities.
  2. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    If it makes you feel any better, this phenomenon isn't restricted to adoptive children. I want to vomit every time I hear son's girlfriend's mother tell me that she just "can't imagine sending my child away from home". In the next breath, she tells me how hurt she is that my difficult child would lie to her. I want to tell her she should thank her lucky stars lying is the worst she's seen, but I'm working on perfecting Suz's bobblehead. Actually, I'm working on perfecting my caller ID screening skills. ;)

    I have absolute certainty that it is simply a matter of time before my difficult child educates this woman on real life with him. And I'm equally certain there will be someone to take her place when she's had enough. It is no longer my problem; it's his. We did the very best we could - the rest is up to him.
  3. janebrain

    janebrain New Member

    Yes, I remember my difficult child 1 (she is not adopted) and her boyfriend moved in with a couple who took them in since they felt sorry for them. My difficult child 1 told me on the phone that this couple was more like "real parents" than we had ever been. About 2 or 3 weeks later the couple kicked them out because they realized they were being used by difficult child and boyfriend. When the "mom" complained to me about my dtr I asked her if it ever occurred to her that there was a reason I kicked difficult child out!

  4. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    Yup, I know what you mean! Our "rescuers", who were once our cleaning staff, are still in the picture and will not go away. When our difficult children get married these horrid know-it-alls, who have never raised a single child, will be invited to the weddings and husband and I will have to eat s**t while shelling out part of the money for the Big Event!!! AAARRRGGGHHH!
  5. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    We too have an adopted difficult child. She has a good heart...but is difficult child all the way.

    What a GREAT comment you have come up! Kudos to you and your husband. AND another good thing, is that as near as I can "figure," it is truthful.

    With my difficult child, I have (for the time being) figured out a weird way of providing some very limited help because I believe that she is (to a large extent) disabled and she (to a large extent) makes real effort to improve and is respectful to husband and myself. AT any point in time, should she not try her best or is disrespectful to me...well, I pull back.

    I draw the line and draw it clear when it comes to enabling and/or entitlement which she certainly is prone to. Doesn't do her any good and it certainly has never done husband and myself any good either.

    Over the years we have had our share of clueless, heartless and cruel "budinskies" who made comments that tended to get under my skin. I could care less these days cause I have been through way too much and life is too short. Ironically, at this point in time, sooo many of these same people have either been burned themselves by difficult child or have witnessed very weird behavior with their own eyes, that they at least have a decent understanding of it now and keep quiet.

    With "outsiders," I usually say very little...with those that have some general knowledge...I say that some days are better than others. It's GOOD to have a "line" that requires no further comment/discussion (as you have done).

    How WONDERFUL that you had such a great holiday!!!! And how wonderful that you are enjoying the empty nest period. We are doing the same...and interestingly, also have a bio child who graduated college with- honors.

    Certainly hope the best for your entire family....but think it is totally awesome that you have pushed forward and are enjoying life to the fullest! We are doing the same.
    Lasted edited by : Jan 5, 2010
  6. Thanks slsh!!!!

    Yes, I know the phenomena is not limited to adopted kids... and I also know not every adopted kid and their family experience this kind of junk.

    Here's hugs for your heartaches!!! ((((((((((((( <3 )))))))))))))

    Like you, I'm certain the kids true colors will show through... eventually.

    It kind of has on a couple of small scale levels... but the mastermind brilliant young adults have turned it around to "see what those horrid parents have turned me into!!!" ...which the "rescue rangers" are currently eating up with a spoon.

    I know it is mental illness that is the monster here... not the parents, not the "adult" kids, not even the clueless people who are in rescue mode believing they are helping when they are really feeding "the beast."

    We had 10 (middle) beautiful years (out of 15) that helps us hold on to hope that beauty will again return to our relationship.

    In the meantime we pray for the "kids" (and the people who have surrounded them in rescue mode) regularly. We're trusting God because He alone is faithful!

    For now my husband and I are focusing on our beautiful future together. We were only ever supposed to "have" our kids to raise them for a few short years, and to love them for a lifetime. We have completed the first part with excellence.

    We are committed to love them... for now it is from a distance... for our own safety.

    This is our happily ever after. I won't allow them to steal that from us.
  7. Thanks janebrain "warrior parent" (I LOVE your title! ;) )

    Our son's "new mommy" has complained to me quite a bit about his passive defiant behavior...

    I couldn't help but shrug my shoulders and give a "so you're starting to see..." expression.
  8. Thanks Three Shadows!

    I've ALWAYS found it funny (funny strange, not funny "ha ha") that it seems the childless are the most vocal about their "expert" opinions!!!

    My brother-in-law used to be like that....

    One day, when he was a new daddy, he began complaining to me that his (childless) brother was offering all sorts of unsought "expert" advice...

    I replied... "I'm so glad you're getting to see this from the other side now!!!" ...and laughed.

    He asked in horror... was I like that???

    I winked and laughed "the worst!"

    He's a fabulous daddy now... 3 bios and over the last few years has been fostering sibling groups... He and his wife won "foster parent of the year" last year.

    As far as weddings go... My husband and I LOVE weddings!!! We have been dreaming about celebrating our children's nuptials since they were small. I'm not eager to see the younger two get attached to ANYONE until they get their heads on straight!!!!!!!!! (daughter-difficult child has been pledging her lifelong love to a string of guys who show little to no actual interest in her at all. Last one she was chasing had dropped his pants the first few minutes of meeting to "show off his ink" so that's what they call it these days!!!)

    I'm willing to wait for the "right" one for each of them. husband and I have been praying for their spouses since they were very young.

    I'm willing to do for those nebulous celebrations dates what I'm willing to do at that point.

    I will not go into debt for their weddings.

    I plan to do my best to make their special day as special as I can... IF we have any relationship at all at that point.

    I don't feel we "owe" them any specific kind of anything for their wedding day.

    My (jobless) 18 year old son (living with his "new family" ...his friend's mommy and daddy) is planning to "secretly" marry his 17 year old girlfriend the day she turns 18. (funny story how that "secret plan" was delivered to my doorstep!)

    I'm hoping for his sake he wakes up before then.
  9. Thanks Nomad!

    Our difficult child kids are (so very deep, deep, deep down wayyyyy wayyyy down inside) pretty awesome too... we just haven't seen much of the "awesome" side in about 2 years now!!!

    Lately the younger two are complete and total strangers.

    My husband was in tears last night that he wants his children back... (not back in our home, but back in relationship with us) which sparked me to tears that I didn't want them back "whatever the cost."

    They need to completely "get over" this phase they are in... and come to their senses before I can trust them to be in our presence.

    In the meantime the most loving thing I can do (after praying for them) is allow them to fully experience the natural consequences of the adult decisions they are making.

    They have been legally and socially aggressive against us.

    "false allegations of abuse against their parents" - part of the description of our difficult child-daughter's psychiatric diagnosis of Reactive Attachment Disorder

    Former friends believe the kids' doe-faced lies.

    "Outwardly chaming, Lying, Threatening others, Lack of cause and effect thinking, and Triangulation of adults" - other symptoms of Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)

    Sadly I cannot trust my adopted kids. It's not that I don't love them. I simply cannot trust them.

    I don't believe my love for them should mean that I should subject myself to their abuse.

    The short but sweet answer I developed is absolutely the truth. We have had the opportunity to speak to MANY professionals since our Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)-kid went running around town with tales of lifelong abuse at our hands. Each and every professional we have spoken with understands the situation perfectly, and has shared their empathy, experience, compassion and consolation with us.

    The adoptees' rescuers think us matching the psychiatric diagnosis given to our difficult child 6 months after adoption with her recent behavior is just evidence that we are the really the horrendous people our adult adoptees are claiming us to be.

    The adoptees are feeding so strongly off the local celebrity of playing victims. I think they're addicted to the drama of it all.

    The following is from a teacher fact sheet created by Brandon University... (feel free to use your wildest imagination regarding our young adults' recent actions... I'm sure you won't be far off)
    It describes in a nutshell our last few months;

    " Reactive Attachment Disorder is usually associated with some form of abuse or neglect in the first two to three years of life. This normally involves physical or emotional abuse, abandonment, a drug-addicted caregiver, a sequence of foster placements, or similar emotional trauma. In some cases, children may have symptoms of an attachment disorder if they have experienced divorce, long periods of hospitalization, a parent with chronic depression, or if their brains were altered by the mother's substance abuse. The most common factor for children with attachment disorders is that in the critical first years of life, either the child did not have the opportunity to bond emotionally with any single individual and maintain that bond, or the child did experience an emotional attachment and then was separated from the caregiver.
    A key logical formula that often plays inside this child's head is this:

    1. I like getting attention. Getting people to respond to me feels good.

    2. If people are responding to me, I feel in control, and that feels good too.

    3. It's hard to get attention and to get people to respond to me when I'm just sitting somewhere being good.

    4. It's really easy to get attention if I can get people mad at me.

    5. When I can make people lose it, then I'm in control and that feels good.

    6. That negative attention is much more high-voltage attention than the positive attention and it's more exciting.

    7. The best way for me to get attention (and get my adrenalin fix) is to
    create a crisis, so everyone is reacting to me."
  10. ScentofCedar

    ScentofCedar New Member

    You are fortunate to realize the nature of the game being played out here, Legal, both by your children and by the "helping professionals".

    We did not understand this. The assumptions made about our parenting (even we believed there must be SOMETHING) destroyed us. All of us, as we no longer believed in our capacity to parent effectively, and this of course affected the kids.

    You are claiming the right to be healthy and happy, whatever choices your children are making.

    Good for you!

    It took us many years to understand that what had happened was not due to some shortcoming (or worse) on our parts.

    And you know? Until we did understand that, we were not well-enough grounded to begin to point our kids in the right direction.

  11. Thanks for sharing your experience Scent of Cedar!

    The "rescuing" people we are having the most difficulty did not know our family until 4-5 years after our Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) kid was first placed.

    We really did have 10 beautiful years.

    It's sad the "natural stage of detachment" has the adoptees reverting to their old ways.

    It is comforting to know this is "common", and the Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) diagnosis describes the horrendous behavior so well we wonder sometimes if she's working off a checklist!

    I couldn't imagine the hell of going through this sort of thing back before Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) was as clearly defined as it is today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    ((((((((((((( HUGS! <3 HUGS )))))))))))))
  12. ScentofCedar

    ScentofCedar New Member

    That was a nice response, Legally.

    Thank you! :)

    If there were one piece of information that might have helped us, going through this, it would have been this: Your child or children still love and need their parents. Say the things you know to be true, remind the kids you love them, and tell them, again and again, that they were raised better than to do what they are doing.

    In other words, don't lower your expectations of your children (or yourselves), and don't fault or blame yourself when they make choices you warned them against.

    Also...I believe helping professionals sometimes put hurtful words, or hurtful thoughts, into our kids' heads. What we heard from our child was that the way to get attention in group therapy (say, for addiction) is to come up with something worse than the other people in the group came up with at the last meeting.

    We also had the experience of having the same counselor who had denied our child's accusations that drugs were easier to obtain in treatment than on the street be charged, sometime after our child left the center in question, with dealing cocaine.

    So good for you, for recognizing so early in the game that helping professionals are often helping no one but themselves, and are often destroying whatever fragile balance the families who come to them for help have managed to retain, in the process.

    We have very nice relationships with both our children, now. I am sure your children will come back to you, too.

  13. Thanks Barbara!!!

    It's encouraging to know your family is on the victory (having nice relationships) side of this junk!!!

    My hubby and I are eager for healthy parent-child relationships to be restored... at the same time, we're cautiously eager.

    As you said, we are not lowering our expectations. They have absolutely been raised better than they are behaving.

    We do love them, and are confident (despite their actions) that they love us too. They are just going through an incredibly stupid phase right now. (not a strange phenomena for their age group!)

    We believe youthful ignorance (combined with the thrill of being the focus of this intricate drama triangle they've created) is playing a huge part in their stupid decision making processes.

    We know they may never understand the parent side of this until they have rebellious divisive young adult-children of their own.

    We also know bona-fide mental illness is a huge part of what's going on. We're sooooo grateful for the wealth of information that is available online about daughter-difficult child's diagnosis now!!!!

    We had so little information about Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) when difficult child-daughter was first diagnosed... and then we truly believed she had "outgrown" it, although (since summer, in post-cyber-Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)-education hindsight) we now recognize tell-tale "signs" have been present in daughter-difficult child all along. We had all kind of chalked her quirkiness throughout the 10 "beautiful years" up to well... her quirkiness! (We totally didn't recognize it as Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)...)

    daughter-difficult child's behavior was horrendously explosive the first three years after placement for adoption... we had 10 beautiful middle years... and the 2 years post the one semester she spent at an out-of-state college were REALLY rough just before her completely unforeseen explosion over the summer.

    Growing up and detaching from a loving family as an adult is certainly hard for "even normal" kids.

    Our momma's and papa's hearts of compassion keep trying desperately to better understand what is going on in those kids' minds.

    We're trying not to take the certifiably Reactive Attachment Disorder behaviors too personally, even though daughter-difficult child's tremendously painful attack against us continues.

    I'm sure there was a sad sort of satisfaction when your concerns came to full light about the illegally-drug-dealing "counselor".

    I'm confident Light will shine brightly on all involved in this situation. I'm not eager to see my well-founded suspicions against the "well meaning" counselors confirmed. There is a part of my heart that breaks over that idea. I really hope they'll all wake up and clean up their act before they are fully exposed.

    For now loving "the kids" from a distance while praying for restoration is the wisest thing we know to do.

    I so tremendously appreciate your shared wisdom and experience as our goal is what you have... a nice relationship with your adult children!