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I kicked my daughter out of the house - LONG
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<blockquote data-quote="WhereIsTheLight" data-source="post: 37607" data-attributes="member: 3673"><p>My daughter is not medicated.</p><p></p><p>She was medicated when she was 14-15 years old. At the time, she was cutting. When she was first diagnosis'ed, we went through pharmaceutical roulette, and I can't tell you or remember all the medications, but I do remember her eyes rolling back and her drooling, unable to hold her head up. She was catatonic. </p><p></p><p>We eventually were able to find medications that kept her flat for the most part, and I decided that I preferred her intrinisic personality to the ever-present sour and blank face. I was grateful that the one medication relieved the cutting and she has not done so for many years.</p><p></p><p>Even so, I left it to the psychiatrist to decide whether to continue medications. I was unsure and she was insist to get off them, and I knew it was only a matter of time before she would refuse. She's been bigger than me since she was 14 and has been arrested for domestic violence when she left a grabbing mark on my wrist. She spent 5 weeks in juvy and 6 on a tether for that incident. She hasn't touched me or her sister since.</p><p></p><p>The p-doctor agreed to wean her off. That was at least 4 years ago. She had seen an MSW for several years, too, until the SW had a baby and left the practice. We loved the SW, but unfortunately, the SW loved us too, and it seemed that we were much too friendly for therapy to work. Still, difficult child did improve, probably through maturity.</p><p></p><p>I've lost my backbone, and GD it, all those times, leaving early from work during rush hour and trying to make it to the SW on time took it's toll on me. I didn't try to find another SW and the SW thought difficult child was doing well at the time. She was finishing high school and we had no drama for some time. When I mean drama, I mean the kind where police or hospitals are involved. The combativeness is ongoing.</p><p></p><p>SW told me finally that I would either have to live with difficult child's behavior or throw her out. </p><p></p><p>I did kick her out once before, when she turned 18. She decided to go to San Francisco! So, for her birthday and Christmas, I gave her cash, got her a train ticket, set her up for a hostel for a week and gave her several pages of resources in San Francisco. SF is such a liberal and rich town that they have many, many social services. Not only did she have an opportunity to live out there, she really had the opportunity to thrive. There were programs that took homeless kids from the street thru college and into apartments. If a kid is going to be on the streets, that's the place to be. Still, it is dangerous if one doesn't take advantage of the support offered. And she pissed off the people at the hostel (they were sending me emails about her behavior), and finally I had St. Vincent dePaul track her down and put her in a shelter for teens that had a very structured program to promote independence. She couldn't follow the rules there, either. She ended up sleeping many nights in Golden Gate Park, and we would keep in touch by email. I gave her phone cards, which she lost (I think she traded them for weed) and even sent her care packages. If I hadn't heard from her in a week or so, I would be a basket case.</p><p></p><p>Finally, I got a call from SF social services. They would give her a one-way ticket back to Detroit if I agreed to take her back. This is where I blew it (one of the times I blew it...I always blow it). I had written a four-page contract outlining acceptable and unacceptable behavior, responsibilities and consequences and what I considered zero tolerance behaviors. I should have faxed it to the SW right then and there, and made her agree to it, but the Mommy in me just wanted my kid back and safe.</p><p></p><p>I approached the contract with her when she returned home, but there was always a reason she couldn't read it: just got back, friends are calling, gotta see Grandma...And with the relief of seeing her healthy and unharmed...I always seem to be just hoping this is the end of it...the last argument, the last meltdown.</p><p></p><p>In the days after she returned, she seemed to had an epiphany. She said she wanted to heal, and actually couldn't believe that I took her back and how lucky she was that she had a mother, that someone loved her because she had met 11-year old homeless, orphaned boys and drug addicts and prostitutes. I've even heard from her acquaintances that she has described me as the 'cool mom'. So, yes, I'm a buckler, spineless and always hoping but never following through.</p><p></p><p>She had even gotten a job, and received the MEAP award, which is given to students who acheive high scores on a standardized test. She is highly intelligent, draws very well (although the subject matter is very dark) and plays guitar by ear. For a kid with a D- average in mainstream high school, a $3000 scholarship is quite an accomplishment.</p><p></p><p>She immediately signed up full time at the community college, which I was anxious about, and I tried to tell her, gently, that she didn't have the study skills and habits to take on such a heavy load. All the classes were academic as well. I encouraged her to take the art classes, but she doesn't want anyone telling her what to draw. Subsequently, she dropped two of the classes and lost that money. The rest of the money was sent to her by check by the college. That money is gone now, too. She'll get another payment this fall, and she's already figure out how to enroll and drop so she can get the cash. In the two classes she completed, she did well, but if she wasn't critical of the teacher, she was critical of the material or the other students.</p><p></p><p>I keep thinking if she finds a passion or a purpose, she'll be okay. But she has this intense feeling of entitlement and injustice. She dresses in shambles and thinks the world should tolerate her because everybody's !@#$ed up but her. Yet, if I try to buy her clothes or shoes, they must be animal-free, ethical, organic and she won't wear anything that is mass produced by some sweat shop. Some people have to ask her if she's a boy or a girl. And the gender issue doesn't concern me...she's lucky she got stuck with a liberal mom and grandma who invites her girlfriend to Easter dinner.</p><p></p><p>But it seems my boundaries are what causes the discord. I am limited in my finances and although every parent wants to buy their kids the whole toy store, I know I can't do that. She needs to work for rewards, and earn the things she wants. But she thinks that as the kid, I should provide all her wants and needs. So trying to get her to earn something is like pulling teeth. She'd rather go without. At the same time, it isn't usually the material she wants...she me to pay for college, or order some $20 juice off the internet. It's not the big stuff, its the nickel and diming that kills me.</p><p></p><p>I asked her girlfriend to support me and encourage her to seek help. We have decent insurance, but my youngest is 18 this year, and I lose child support. My health care premiums have doubled because DEX's insurance won't cover the girls after 19. So, I figure I'm losing about $10k in income and additional expenses this year, and I can no longer afford for her to sleep all day and make no contribution to the household. </p><p></p><p>And the damage she's done to the house! Broke the couch when she was about 12...she jumped on it and broke the frame. A 12-year old! Punched holes in walls. Cut the kitchen counter. Broken two windows. Gouged and gashed woodwork. Scratched my truck with another bike's handles. Left candles to burn while she slept and has had a small fire contained to the table. Cigarette burns on my truck's seat. Cigarette burns on clothes and blankets. A ceiling fan that no longer works because she hangs things from it and turned it on once. Permanent burns to the stove because she won't clean up the spills and messes and continues to cook. Charcoaled pots and pans. Busted kitchen appliances. At 16, drew on the computer table and couldn't understand why I was furious with her. My house is trashed. And I don't blame it on her, but I refuse to clean up after her, so it just sits and sits and I'm too embarrassed to let anyone in the house. She had a job once where she drew with chalk in the parking lot and couldn't understand why the boss nailed her for it. Knowing her drawings, God knows what she left there for the public to see.</p><p></p><p>I just never know what I'm going to come home to. I just wish there was someone that she admired that could look her in the eye and say, "You're wrong" and call her on her crap. Because the truth is, that when she was on probation, she didn't cuss at me, she didn't throw tantrums. She doesn't want to go to jail again, so she stays out of trouble. She doesn't even realize that she could have been arrested for drunk driving the night of the accident, because in Michigan, bicyclists have the same traffic laws as automobiles. And she's not a real drinker. I think the nice weather and meeting up with her friends put her in a party mood and she did something dumb, which is unfortunately, age-appropriate for 19. However, it is the total lack of responsibility she has for breaking her jaw that astounds me. She doesn't like pills, having ODed on Tylenol and anti-depressants on separate occasions. She doesn't do cocaine, ecstacy or heroin. She's knows people who are burnt from doing chemicals, although I know she has experimented. In SF, she admittedly did alot of acid, to the point that it didn't effect her. And mushrooms. Now, she just smokes pot.</p><p></p><p>I can't say that her experience with acid has changed her behavior in terms of the combativeness. On the other hand, she is very forgetful, and you can tell her something and she'll forget in two seconds. </p><p></p><p>She reads autobiographies as diverse as Malcolm X and Ghandi. She says she is a philosopher. She has so many qualities about her that I find interesting - we can sit on the couch and talk for hours about alot of different subjects and get on real well. But the minute she tests my boundaries and I grow a backbone, the trouble starts.</p><p></p><p>That's why I think we need to live apart. She doesn't respect me and I just get more and more angry. And she continues to be dependent on me.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="WhereIsTheLight, post: 37607, member: 3673"] My daughter is not medicated. She was medicated when she was 14-15 years old. At the time, she was cutting. When she was first diagnosis'ed, we went through pharmaceutical roulette, and I can't tell you or remember all the medications, but I do remember her eyes rolling back and her drooling, unable to hold her head up. She was catatonic. We eventually were able to find medications that kept her flat for the most part, and I decided that I preferred her intrinisic personality to the ever-present sour and blank face. I was grateful that the one medication relieved the cutting and she has not done so for many years. Even so, I left it to the psychiatrist to decide whether to continue medications. I was unsure and she was insist to get off them, and I knew it was only a matter of time before she would refuse. She's been bigger than me since she was 14 and has been arrested for domestic violence when she left a grabbing mark on my wrist. She spent 5 weeks in juvy and 6 on a tether for that incident. She hasn't touched me or her sister since. The p-doctor agreed to wean her off. That was at least 4 years ago. She had seen an MSW for several years, too, until the SW had a baby and left the practice. We loved the SW, but unfortunately, the SW loved us too, and it seemed that we were much too friendly for therapy to work. Still, difficult child did improve, probably through maturity. I've lost my backbone, and GD it, all those times, leaving early from work during rush hour and trying to make it to the SW on time took it's toll on me. I didn't try to find another SW and the SW thought difficult child was doing well at the time. She was finishing high school and we had no drama for some time. When I mean drama, I mean the kind where police or hospitals are involved. The combativeness is ongoing. SW told me finally that I would either have to live with difficult child's behavior or throw her out. I did kick her out once before, when she turned 18. She decided to go to San Francisco! So, for her birthday and Christmas, I gave her cash, got her a train ticket, set her up for a hostel for a week and gave her several pages of resources in San Francisco. SF is such a liberal and rich town that they have many, many social services. Not only did she have an opportunity to live out there, she really had the opportunity to thrive. There were programs that took homeless kids from the street thru college and into apartments. If a kid is going to be on the streets, that's the place to be. Still, it is dangerous if one doesn't take advantage of the support offered. And she pissed off the people at the hostel (they were sending me emails about her behavior), and finally I had St. Vincent dePaul track her down and put her in a shelter for teens that had a very structured program to promote independence. She couldn't follow the rules there, either. She ended up sleeping many nights in Golden Gate Park, and we would keep in touch by email. I gave her phone cards, which she lost (I think she traded them for weed) and even sent her care packages. If I hadn't heard from her in a week or so, I would be a basket case. Finally, I got a call from SF social services. They would give her a one-way ticket back to Detroit if I agreed to take her back. This is where I blew it (one of the times I blew it...I always blow it). I had written a four-page contract outlining acceptable and unacceptable behavior, responsibilities and consequences and what I considered zero tolerance behaviors. I should have faxed it to the SW right then and there, and made her agree to it, but the Mommy in me just wanted my kid back and safe. I approached the contract with her when she returned home, but there was always a reason she couldn't read it: just got back, friends are calling, gotta see Grandma...And with the relief of seeing her healthy and unharmed...I always seem to be just hoping this is the end of it...the last argument, the last meltdown. In the days after she returned, she seemed to had an epiphany. She said she wanted to heal, and actually couldn't believe that I took her back and how lucky she was that she had a mother, that someone loved her because she had met 11-year old homeless, orphaned boys and drug addicts and prostitutes. I've even heard from her acquaintances that she has described me as the 'cool mom'. So, yes, I'm a buckler, spineless and always hoping but never following through. She had even gotten a job, and received the MEAP award, which is given to students who acheive high scores on a standardized test. She is highly intelligent, draws very well (although the subject matter is very dark) and plays guitar by ear. For a kid with a D- average in mainstream high school, a $3000 scholarship is quite an accomplishment. She immediately signed up full time at the community college, which I was anxious about, and I tried to tell her, gently, that she didn't have the study skills and habits to take on such a heavy load. All the classes were academic as well. I encouraged her to take the art classes, but she doesn't want anyone telling her what to draw. Subsequently, she dropped two of the classes and lost that money. The rest of the money was sent to her by check by the college. That money is gone now, too. She'll get another payment this fall, and she's already figure out how to enroll and drop so she can get the cash. In the two classes she completed, she did well, but if she wasn't critical of the teacher, she was critical of the material or the other students. I keep thinking if she finds a passion or a purpose, she'll be okay. But she has this intense feeling of entitlement and injustice. She dresses in shambles and thinks the world should tolerate her because everybody's !@#$ed up but her. Yet, if I try to buy her clothes or shoes, they must be animal-free, ethical, organic and she won't wear anything that is mass produced by some sweat shop. Some people have to ask her if she's a boy or a girl. And the gender issue doesn't concern me...she's lucky she got stuck with a liberal mom and grandma who invites her girlfriend to Easter dinner. But it seems my boundaries are what causes the discord. I am limited in my finances and although every parent wants to buy their kids the whole toy store, I know I can't do that. She needs to work for rewards, and earn the things she wants. But she thinks that as the kid, I should provide all her wants and needs. So trying to get her to earn something is like pulling teeth. She'd rather go without. At the same time, it isn't usually the material she wants...she me to pay for college, or order some $20 juice off the internet. It's not the big stuff, its the nickel and diming that kills me. I asked her girlfriend to support me and encourage her to seek help. We have decent insurance, but my youngest is 18 this year, and I lose child support. My health care premiums have doubled because DEX's insurance won't cover the girls after 19. So, I figure I'm losing about $10k in income and additional expenses this year, and I can no longer afford for her to sleep all day and make no contribution to the household. And the damage she's done to the house! Broke the couch when she was about 12...she jumped on it and broke the frame. A 12-year old! Punched holes in walls. Cut the kitchen counter. Broken two windows. Gouged and gashed woodwork. Scratched my truck with another bike's handles. Left candles to burn while she slept and has had a small fire contained to the table. Cigarette burns on my truck's seat. Cigarette burns on clothes and blankets. A ceiling fan that no longer works because she hangs things from it and turned it on once. Permanent burns to the stove because she won't clean up the spills and messes and continues to cook. Charcoaled pots and pans. Busted kitchen appliances. At 16, drew on the computer table and couldn't understand why I was furious with her. My house is trashed. And I don't blame it on her, but I refuse to clean up after her, so it just sits and sits and I'm too embarrassed to let anyone in the house. She had a job once where she drew with chalk in the parking lot and couldn't understand why the boss nailed her for it. Knowing her drawings, God knows what she left there for the public to see. I just never know what I'm going to come home to. I just wish there was someone that she admired that could look her in the eye and say, "You're wrong" and call her on her crap. Because the truth is, that when she was on probation, she didn't cuss at me, she didn't throw tantrums. She doesn't want to go to jail again, so she stays out of trouble. She doesn't even realize that she could have been arrested for drunk driving the night of the accident, because in Michigan, bicyclists have the same traffic laws as automobiles. And she's not a real drinker. I think the nice weather and meeting up with her friends put her in a party mood and she did something dumb, which is unfortunately, age-appropriate for 19. However, it is the total lack of responsibility she has for breaking her jaw that astounds me. She doesn't like pills, having ODed on Tylenol and anti-depressants on separate occasions. She doesn't do cocaine, ecstacy or heroin. She's knows people who are burnt from doing chemicals, although I know she has experimented. In SF, she admittedly did alot of acid, to the point that it didn't effect her. And mushrooms. Now, she just smokes pot. I can't say that her experience with acid has changed her behavior in terms of the combativeness. On the other hand, she is very forgetful, and you can tell her something and she'll forget in two seconds. She reads autobiographies as diverse as Malcolm X and Ghandi. She says she is a philosopher. She has so many qualities about her that I find interesting - we can sit on the couch and talk for hours about alot of different subjects and get on real well. But the minute she tests my boundaries and I grow a backbone, the trouble starts. That's why I think we need to live apart. She doesn't respect me and I just get more and more angry. And she continues to be dependent on me. [/QUOTE]
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