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I kicked my daughter out of the house - LONG
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<blockquote data-quote="WhereIsTheLight" data-source="post: 37727" data-attributes="member: 3673"><p>Stella, you just made me see another side to my difficult child. I never considered that she was trying to 'improve' the surrondings by drawing on the computer table, but it is possible. Who knows what reasoning lurks in that brilliant, complicated mind? When we moved into this house, I specifically told her she could draw on the walls of her room. When growing up, I had seen a friend's brother's room and remember all the fanciful drawings and thought - wow, I wish I could do that.</p><p></p><p>Unfortunately, instead of drawing on her walls, they are filled with ramblings that sometimes don't make sense to me, and some that are downright offensive. That and her friend's phone numbers. Once, she took the Jack figure from the Nightmare Before Christmas and crucified him. If I said it was offensive to me, she'd say it's art.</p><p></p><p>Her mantra: Tolerate me, but don't expect me to tolerate you.</p><p></p><p>I think my biggest source of frustration is that she lacks empathy. She hasn't the ability to foresee how her actions can impact those around her. I've tried to talk to her in terms of community rather than contribution, but it just doesn't stick. There is such a disconnect, and then she feels criticized and the belligerence begins.</p><p></p><p>But, I can see some maturity even on her walls. She's begun to paint over the holes and filth and the grafitti that is directed at me, accusing me, hating me. </p><p></p><p>The gay thing is so minor in my mind. It is not something I rue over. On some level, I think I knew it years ago. You try not to stereotype your own kids, you try to give them exposure to so much to see what grabs them, and once difficult child said she was afraid (!) of dolls, she stopped getting them. She was a huge Animorph book series fan, and had nearly 40 of them before they were sold at a garage sale. I think that's when I knew in my bones she was gay. I had friends that would tell me when she was 7 or 8 years old: She's different, she doesn't talk about stuff that kids her age talk about...she's like talking to an adult. But when they would tell me this, there was a look of confusion on their faces, not that "oh, isn't that cute" smile.</p><p></p><p>difficult child got lucky with her first girlfriend. The parents are affluent, the father being self-made. The mother is a yoga instructor and brought her kids up kosher, and with soy milk and lentils and carob chips. This is likely where difficult child got on the organic train. difficult child was at her lowest then and the other mom didn't like me, because I threw difficult child out in the middle of winter for a couple of days because, as I told her, she dropped the f-bomb on me once too many times and I'm setting boundaries. She approached the subject of medication (her own daughter was over-medicated in my view, but that was none of my business). Anyhow, we had that discussion and the other mom says, "Do you think they are more than 'just friends'?" I hesitated out of that basic instinct to protect my daughter. But I said honestly, "I think they could be".</p><p></p><p>The other mom, didn't say anything, left it at that and continued to allow her daughter and mine to see each other. So, even as I know she has more success with her difficult child (who is in college full-time and is now embracing her ethnic background and has finally broken up with a controlling boyfriend), and the woman thought I was mean and cold with my kid, I will always respect her for not blowing a vein when she learned our daughters were seeing each other. They cooled off after a while, but our daughters are still very, very good friends. This open attitude really helped difficult child get comfortable with her gender/sexuality much quicker than most adolescents, I think. And I've always thought I'd have much more trouble on my hands if I tried to deny that part of her.</p><p></p><p>difficult child, of course, manipulates this openess. She once wanted to wear a t-shirt with a not-quite-as-subtle as Georgia O'Keefe drawing of a flower. It was really quite graphic. When I told her I would not be seen in public with her in it because it wasn't appropriate for families, she cried, "Art! Individual Expression! You're Repressing ME!!!" </p><p></p><p>This is the same kid who was blaring a Nine Inch Nails song outside my front door one beautiful summer's evening. She was reading and had set her speakers outside to enjoy the sun. Our house has family foot traffic to the ice cream parlor down the street, and here I come home from work and families are pushing strollers down the street and "I want to <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/2012/censored2.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":censored2:" title="censored2 :censored2:" data-shortname=":censored2:" /> you like an animal" is blasting from my front lawn.</p><p></p><p>"It's just music!"</p><p></p><p>You try not to be appalled or embarrassed by your kid's actions, but they always find that place between human respect and decency and not giving a whit.</p><p></p><p>I will not miss these moments.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="WhereIsTheLight, post: 37727, member: 3673"] Stella, you just made me see another side to my difficult child. I never considered that she was trying to 'improve' the surrondings by drawing on the computer table, but it is possible. Who knows what reasoning lurks in that brilliant, complicated mind? When we moved into this house, I specifically told her she could draw on the walls of her room. When growing up, I had seen a friend's brother's room and remember all the fanciful drawings and thought - wow, I wish I could do that. Unfortunately, instead of drawing on her walls, they are filled with ramblings that sometimes don't make sense to me, and some that are downright offensive. That and her friend's phone numbers. Once, she took the Jack figure from the Nightmare Before Christmas and crucified him. If I said it was offensive to me, she'd say it's art. Her mantra: Tolerate me, but don't expect me to tolerate you. I think my biggest source of frustration is that she lacks empathy. She hasn't the ability to foresee how her actions can impact those around her. I've tried to talk to her in terms of community rather than contribution, but it just doesn't stick. There is such a disconnect, and then she feels criticized and the belligerence begins. But, I can see some maturity even on her walls. She's begun to paint over the holes and filth and the grafitti that is directed at me, accusing me, hating me. The gay thing is so minor in my mind. It is not something I rue over. On some level, I think I knew it years ago. You try not to stereotype your own kids, you try to give them exposure to so much to see what grabs them, and once difficult child said she was afraid (!) of dolls, she stopped getting them. She was a huge Animorph book series fan, and had nearly 40 of them before they were sold at a garage sale. I think that's when I knew in my bones she was gay. I had friends that would tell me when she was 7 or 8 years old: She's different, she doesn't talk about stuff that kids her age talk about...she's like talking to an adult. But when they would tell me this, there was a look of confusion on their faces, not that "oh, isn't that cute" smile. difficult child got lucky with her first girlfriend. The parents are affluent, the father being self-made. The mother is a yoga instructor and brought her kids up kosher, and with soy milk and lentils and carob chips. This is likely where difficult child got on the organic train. difficult child was at her lowest then and the other mom didn't like me, because I threw difficult child out in the middle of winter for a couple of days because, as I told her, she dropped the f-bomb on me once too many times and I'm setting boundaries. She approached the subject of medication (her own daughter was over-medicated in my view, but that was none of my business). Anyhow, we had that discussion and the other mom says, "Do you think they are more than 'just friends'?" I hesitated out of that basic instinct to protect my daughter. But I said honestly, "I think they could be". The other mom, didn't say anything, left it at that and continued to allow her daughter and mine to see each other. So, even as I know she has more success with her difficult child (who is in college full-time and is now embracing her ethnic background and has finally broken up with a controlling boyfriend), and the woman thought I was mean and cold with my kid, I will always respect her for not blowing a vein when she learned our daughters were seeing each other. They cooled off after a while, but our daughters are still very, very good friends. This open attitude really helped difficult child get comfortable with her gender/sexuality much quicker than most adolescents, I think. And I've always thought I'd have much more trouble on my hands if I tried to deny that part of her. difficult child, of course, manipulates this openess. She once wanted to wear a t-shirt with a not-quite-as-subtle as Georgia O'Keefe drawing of a flower. It was really quite graphic. When I told her I would not be seen in public with her in it because it wasn't appropriate for families, she cried, "Art! Individual Expression! You're Repressing ME!!!" This is the same kid who was blaring a Nine Inch Nails song outside my front door one beautiful summer's evening. She was reading and had set her speakers outside to enjoy the sun. Our house has family foot traffic to the ice cream parlor down the street, and here I come home from work and families are pushing strollers down the street and "I want to :censored: you like an animal" is blasting from my front lawn. "It's just music!" You try not to be appalled or embarrassed by your kid's actions, but they always find that place between human respect and decency and not giving a whit. I will not miss these moments. [/QUOTE]
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