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I kicked my daughter out of the house - LONG
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 37747" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>You are right. She is passive aggressive and also, you're feeding it. As long as you continue to be a doormat, she will continue to show contempt for you. You keep giving way and this is doing the worst damage possible to you both as well as to your relationship. </p><p></p><p>Although I'm not sure what else you can do, if you're trying to cope with as much as you are.</p><p></p><p>You did the right thing making her leave. You shouldn't have her back until you can call her on her inconsistencies, such as smoking, while insisting on you buying expensive health food.</p><p></p><p>I understand about the mess - we live like that too, although our problem isn't so much damage, it's just piles of stuff.</p><p></p><p>With our kids, if they want something special they have to justify it to me, or buy it themselves. If I buy it for them it must be shared by everybody in the house. If they disrespect the house to the point of causing damage, they must fix the damage or pay for it to be fixed. If ANY of my kids interferes with a ceiling fan in any way, they have to look me in the eye and explain why they did something so stupid and thoughtless - we NEED those fans for the whole family, to keep cool. And if it's a fan in someone's room, the same thing applies - it's only their room while they're living here, when they leave it becomes someone else's room and it has to be in good order; the same good order that they would expect if they were inheriting the room instead of being the ones to pass it on.</p><p>As for buying all the fresh food and special requirements plus slaving to such extra extent with no gratitude - NOT ACCEPTABLE! You don't have to get bossy about it, but if she doesn't appreciate it then don't do it.</p><p></p><p>What we're doing now - we treat the adult kids like co-renting flatmates. We organise who is going to be home at what time, so we can plan meals, I try to give the kids food they want, within budget restraints. They like lasagne but I can't afford to always buy it so I've found an easy recipe. I also get them to help me make it. We all take turns in cleaning up, the kids help me with shopping ( when they're available) and with unpacking the groceries. Basically, if they don't help, then I'm too tired to go to the extra effort they want. It HAS to be a team effort.</p><p>And if THEY want to cook a meal, they have to follow the kitchen rules - put things back where they belong, if you empty something then put it on the shopping list, use clean spoons/knives etc to dole out amounts, NEVER use the bowl of a spoon to open a tin. Always clean, dry and strop the knives immediately after use. And so on. If they don't do it, they are called back to do it. Not with any "parent - chid" thing, but still we're firm about it as we would be with a flatmate not following house rules. Failure to show respect to other housemates results in eviction. We've not had to evict anyone yet. Mind you, I haven't had someone like your daughter to deal with, but it would be "comply, or leave - no emotional blackmail will work." There are emergency shelters for the homeless who would be getting a call from me. No acceptance of any blame from her, either - she's been using blame to browbeat you and make you more compliant - she is abusive and you are a victim of domestic violence. So is easy child.</p><p></p><p>The period of cutting - from your description she was going through some fairly major emotional upheaval. Coming to terms with being a lesbian wouldn't have made it easier for her.</p><p></p><p>She needs a lot more help than I think you can give her. I really don't know what more you can do - she is walking all over you and not respecting any of your boundaries. This is a bad example as well as a bad environment for your other daughter.</p><p></p><p>I do think you have done what had to be done. Now you need to stick to your guns, for the sake of your younger daughter.</p><p></p><p>And I have one big burning question - WHY was difficult child's dr appointment at the same time as easy child's appointment for her wisdom teeth? How could they have been scheduled for the same time? Because if there is ANY chance that difficult child was using the opportunity to make you choose between them, I would be moving her out of the house even faster. That is potentially VERY nasty and can't be tolerated.</p><p></p><p>If you can give yourself time away from her (and try to not worry - you have long ago done the best you could to teach her how to get on with people, do NOT throw money you haven't got at her either, it only delays her independence) then maybe you will see the situation with a better perspective.</p><p></p><p>My older sister went through similar purgatory with her adopted son - and for years she would bail him out financially, she gave him stuff she shouldn't have (and he only pawned it for drug money) until eventually she ran out of money at about the same time as the courts ran out of patience. he is now in his 40s and finally getting his life together. She did more for him than anyone could have, but she should have let him go much sooner because everything she did for him past the age of 15 did nothing for him but delay his development, and maybe assuaged her misplaced guilt in the short-term, while hurting her deeply and putting her at the point of bankruptcy. It was horrible to watch it happen and know she wouldn't hear us. It was horrible for her other kids who missed out on her attention (and the things they needed but she couldn't afford, because she'd given it all to her wayward son).</p><p></p><p>Forget about what other people will think of you. Do not accept any guilt from anybody. Stand up for yourself and get help and counselling for you and for easy child. Basically salvage what you can, because difficult child is beyond your help. She won't accept it anyway, not in any useful lasting way. Don't follow her. Let her make her own choices, which is what she's determined to do anyway. And when choices are made, the consequences of those choices must be endured.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 37747, member: 1991"] You are right. She is passive aggressive and also, you're feeding it. As long as you continue to be a doormat, she will continue to show contempt for you. You keep giving way and this is doing the worst damage possible to you both as well as to your relationship. Although I'm not sure what else you can do, if you're trying to cope with as much as you are. You did the right thing making her leave. You shouldn't have her back until you can call her on her inconsistencies, such as smoking, while insisting on you buying expensive health food. I understand about the mess - we live like that too, although our problem isn't so much damage, it's just piles of stuff. With our kids, if they want something special they have to justify it to me, or buy it themselves. If I buy it for them it must be shared by everybody in the house. If they disrespect the house to the point of causing damage, they must fix the damage or pay for it to be fixed. If ANY of my kids interferes with a ceiling fan in any way, they have to look me in the eye and explain why they did something so stupid and thoughtless - we NEED those fans for the whole family, to keep cool. And if it's a fan in someone's room, the same thing applies - it's only their room while they're living here, when they leave it becomes someone else's room and it has to be in good order; the same good order that they would expect if they were inheriting the room instead of being the ones to pass it on. As for buying all the fresh food and special requirements plus slaving to such extra extent with no gratitude - NOT ACCEPTABLE! You don't have to get bossy about it, but if she doesn't appreciate it then don't do it. What we're doing now - we treat the adult kids like co-renting flatmates. We organise who is going to be home at what time, so we can plan meals, I try to give the kids food they want, within budget restraints. They like lasagne but I can't afford to always buy it so I've found an easy recipe. I also get them to help me make it. We all take turns in cleaning up, the kids help me with shopping ( when they're available) and with unpacking the groceries. Basically, if they don't help, then I'm too tired to go to the extra effort they want. It HAS to be a team effort. And if THEY want to cook a meal, they have to follow the kitchen rules - put things back where they belong, if you empty something then put it on the shopping list, use clean spoons/knives etc to dole out amounts, NEVER use the bowl of a spoon to open a tin. Always clean, dry and strop the knives immediately after use. And so on. If they don't do it, they are called back to do it. Not with any "parent - chid" thing, but still we're firm about it as we would be with a flatmate not following house rules. Failure to show respect to other housemates results in eviction. We've not had to evict anyone yet. Mind you, I haven't had someone like your daughter to deal with, but it would be "comply, or leave - no emotional blackmail will work." There are emergency shelters for the homeless who would be getting a call from me. No acceptance of any blame from her, either - she's been using blame to browbeat you and make you more compliant - she is abusive and you are a victim of domestic violence. So is easy child. The period of cutting - from your description she was going through some fairly major emotional upheaval. Coming to terms with being a lesbian wouldn't have made it easier for her. She needs a lot more help than I think you can give her. I really don't know what more you can do - she is walking all over you and not respecting any of your boundaries. This is a bad example as well as a bad environment for your other daughter. I do think you have done what had to be done. Now you need to stick to your guns, for the sake of your younger daughter. And I have one big burning question - WHY was difficult child's dr appointment at the same time as easy child's appointment for her wisdom teeth? How could they have been scheduled for the same time? Because if there is ANY chance that difficult child was using the opportunity to make you choose between them, I would be moving her out of the house even faster. That is potentially VERY nasty and can't be tolerated. If you can give yourself time away from her (and try to not worry - you have long ago done the best you could to teach her how to get on with people, do NOT throw money you haven't got at her either, it only delays her independence) then maybe you will see the situation with a better perspective. My older sister went through similar purgatory with her adopted son - and for years she would bail him out financially, she gave him stuff she shouldn't have (and he only pawned it for drug money) until eventually she ran out of money at about the same time as the courts ran out of patience. he is now in his 40s and finally getting his life together. She did more for him than anyone could have, but she should have let him go much sooner because everything she did for him past the age of 15 did nothing for him but delay his development, and maybe assuaged her misplaced guilt in the short-term, while hurting her deeply and putting her at the point of bankruptcy. It was horrible to watch it happen and know she wouldn't hear us. It was horrible for her other kids who missed out on her attention (and the things they needed but she couldn't afford, because she'd given it all to her wayward son). Forget about what other people will think of you. Do not accept any guilt from anybody. Stand up for yourself and get help and counselling for you and for easy child. Basically salvage what you can, because difficult child is beyond your help. She won't accept it anyway, not in any useful lasting way. Don't follow her. Let her make her own choices, which is what she's determined to do anyway. And when choices are made, the consequences of those choices must be endured. Marg [/QUOTE]
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