I kicked my drug-addict daughter three years and now doesn't want anything to do with us

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by LyraSol, Jul 15, 2016.

  1. LyraSol

    LyraSol New Member

    About three years ago, my daughter decided to do drugs and drink a lot of alcohol. Her decisions were taking a toll on our family and because she refused to go to rehab and had a very violent behavior, we kicked her out of the house and filed a restraining order. Not only that but she also lost all of her friends and her boyfriend. After three years of not seeing her, I met her at the place that I didn't expect her to be at: a college. She never liked school (but she had really amazing grades) and had claimed that she wouldn't go to college (much to my dismay), but here she was, at college studying culinary arts, had a steady job, and was completely drug free. But the most shocking part was that she had a two year old child. Apparently after two months of her getting kicked out, she met a very charming and handsome man but he became abusive after he found out that she was pregnant with his child. She told me that she would call me and the rest if the family to help her but we would never respond (which was true but the only reason we didn't respond was because we thought that she would try to change our minds). Another reason she would call was because since she became pregnant, she went to rehab to get help and had wanted us to be there for her. There isn't a day that I don't regret for not picking up the phone. Because of us ignoring her, she has come to hate us and now wants nothing to do with us. What can we do?
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  2. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    We can only do the best with what we have at the time. Is a phone the only way she tried to communicate? She could have written a letter, sent flowers for attention or had a counselor call as a mediator.

    She may harbor some resentment, but you probably saved her life. Rejoice that she has a wonderful future ahead of her...I'm sure in time you all will. Build the bridge back.

    I'm guessing she will realise that an extended family and a loving grandparent for her child will be very enriching.

    Thank you for sharing, a positive story is refreshing! Prayers for reunion for all of you !
  3. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    I think at this point all you can do is to keep trying to connect. Send her a letter saying what you regret and that you love her and want contact. Let her know you are there for her when she calls.... and wait and see. She may find it in her heart to let it go but it may take time. It is great she got her life together and got off drugs. That is great for her.
  4. LyraSol

    LyraSol New Member

    Mof, she wouldn't be able to send us anything because about a month of her getting kicked out, we moved to another house and about three and a half months later changed our phone numbers. Right now, the only way for us to know that she and the baby are safe is because her roommate (who she met at rehab) keeps us updated on how they are. She told us that our daughter would forgive us someday but she just needs more time.
    Last edited: Jul 16, 2016
  5. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    HI LyraSol, welcome to the forum, so sorry for your need to be here. It is a good place for folks like us to come and share our journeys, we have all been through so much.
    I am sorry that it came to this, but we can't have this kind of behavior infiltrating our homes, our sanctuaries.
    What a shock. The hardest part of ALL of the drama caused by our d c's, is that nothing seems to happen conventionally. Normal is shot to heck.
    I don't blame you for not responding. It is hard enough to get over the horror of the behavior that causes us to remove our adult children, then get over the heartache of it and try to live our own lives.
    There are other ways to try and get in touch with people if one really wants to.
    You ignored her, because of her behaviors and choices, her violence caused you to get a restraining order, by law, you couldn't pick up the phone. Her consequences. The one thing I have learned from my two is that they are always passing blame on to someone else. I know it is hard, but please do not accept this. You did what you had to do to take care of yourselves, the peace in your home. If and when your daughter is ready to accept responsibility for her own actions, she will soften. There is such a thing as a dry drunk or addict, they may not be using, but the personality issues and tendencies are there. There has to be some recognition of her own responsibility in this.

    I find it interesting that her roommate was able to find you.....how did that happen?
    I can understand how your heart must be aching, to find out you have a two year old grandchild, after three years of no contact. LyraSol, this is NOT your fault. This all adds up to choices your daughter has made. You regret picking up that phone, but how could you have known then, what was going on? She must have been into some very heavy stuff to lose her boyfriend, all of her friends and be removed from her home and her parents have to file a restraining order. So, really, you were following the restraining order, which requires no contact, again which goes back to her behaviors. I am sure there is much more to the story than you have written here that led to all of this.
    There is a member here that writes to us from the other side of addiction, he writes about humility. Hopefully, as your daughter cares for her child and continues to recover, she will understand and own her responsibility for all of this. I know this is difficult, but please do not be so hard on yourself. Our d cs are experts at passing off consequences and blame. This is not on you, it is on her and the grave mistakes she made three years ago, to cause such separation from her family and friends. If she truly comes full circle, she will recognize this and take steps to repair the void.
    It is not on you dear, it is truly on her.
    I am a gramma to three and have gone cycling through years of contact, no contact and I know the heartache of it. Hang in there.
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  6. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    So sorry...She will see the light, but it's her healing keeping her back. Keep up your chin....some day you will celebrate a reunion..

    Take care! I know everyone says that to me...trying.
  7. LyraSol

    LyraSol New Member

    New Leaf, her roommate, Vanessa, was able to get in contact with me when she saw me at my daughter's college (it was lunch time and she had come to take my daughter and her son to Olive Garden). She gave me her phone number and told me to call her if I needed an update on my daughter and the baby. She told me that Helen (that's my daughter's name) did really regret her choices but wasn't ready to apologize yet. She is doing very well and is a great role model for her child. She now has new friends but hasn't dared to go out with anybody because of what happened with the father of her baby.
  8. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    This is wonderful, so she is almost there. If you read my story, my two are still struggling with their lifestyles. I hold out hope for them but have stepped way back to preserve my own sanity.........
    My dear Lyrasol, life is so, so short. I am hopeful that things will turn around for you and your daughter very soon. Take deep breaths and soak in the peace of mind that your daughter has come this far. I am sure she will come to you when she is ready. The end of the story is not yet written.........
    It is going to be okay.
  9. LyraSol

    LyraSol New Member

    Thank you, Leafy!
    Now I have to stop my husband and sons from going after that man that hurt my daughter...
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry your daughter won't apologize. She should. Would she let you live with her if you were on drugs and violent?

    I also strongly advice you to influence the men in your family, if you can, to stay put. Going after thus men will do nothong but land THEM in jail and maybe influence him yo go to court for visitation rights. He could get them too. Your daughter telling the judge that the man was abusive can't be proven.


  11. LyraSol

    LyraSol New Member

    SomeWhereOutThere, they know they would go to jail but they are incredibly angry. My daughter does have prove as there are security cameras in the house that she lives in with her friend and son. And it was a good thing too because he broke into the house and started to beat her for leaving him and she used that against him when she took him to court. I want her to apologize and I know she wants to apologize too, but I don't want to pressure her. I want her to take her time.
  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Good. I hope she does.

    As for the men in your family...what will they gain if they put him in the hospital? An assault charge on their records. Your daughter can press charges without them getting into trouble. in my opinion that is the sane path. The little boy doesn't need violence on both sides of his fily tree. He needs all if you to be calm because his father isn't. He needs good male role models who don't beat people up.
  13. LyraSol

    LyraSol New Member

    He went to jail for 6 months and then my daughter pressed charges and filed a restraining order. Doesn't seem to stop him, though...
  14. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I do not know what to say about the men. They will do what they do. But as far as your daughter, I will echo what the others say: This is a great outcome. She is not saying never, she is just saying she needs time.

    Look at it this way: She must have gotten what she needed one way or another, by her own efforts. Had you answered that phone, the exactly wrong thing might have happened. We will never know. But the proof of the pudding is in the eating. She is prospering, independently she is thriving. Who can argue with that outcome. She took responsibility first for herself and now for herself and child. I would be very, very proud.

    We cannot have it both ways. You took a stand for your daughter and yourselves. For strength and self-responsibility. She accepted the challenge. While forced, she did accept the challenge. Many kids go further down hill. She did not.
    Now an independent young woman with her own power and voice, she is saying, I need more time. I respect her.

    I would be hurt and sad, but I would respect her nonetheless.
  15. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Copa...agree and disagree...lol. We threw my daughter out too and we were never estranged. She knew why she had to leave when she did.

    On the other hand, she also never got violent snd we had no restrsining order on her and she did not get involved eith sn abusive man nor had a baby. Lots of extra baggage there.

    Due to my own experience, I never think its okay to initiate an estrangement if that person is not a danger to you. This kind mother is not going to hurt her daughter. Her daughter knows that. She is still mulling over her own responsibility with the restraining order and how angry and hurt she was.

    Her friend said she just needed time. i believe she will be back. I'm not even sure it won't be soon. I believe that all the dynamics are in place for a great reunion. Obviously the men love her a lot too.

    I have that happy ending feeling about this entire situation and hope I am right.
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  16. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    My personal opinion is that you had plenty of reasons for not picking up that phone, a long history of reasons, that she herself brought about.

    It also sounds as if, in the greater scheme, it was better for her that you did not.

    I am so happy to hear that she decided to get her life together for the sake of her little boy. I think it is a good thing when we surprise ourselves with our own strength. Good for her. That's tremendous. She has much to be proud about.

    I would imagine running into you was as jarring for her as it was for you, stirring up a lot of old feelings that she might have thought she put behind her.

    I would step back and let her process it all, LyraSol. I too am optimistic that with time she will be able to see that your decisions were the best you could make at the time, and were ultimately the wisest decisions you could have made.
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  17. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    SWOT you can look at their situation in two ways: Lyra feels regret she never answered the phone. Perhaps she should have. She cannot change that. Nobody could have known what those phone calls meant. Daughter could have gone to a family member, her parents work, to church--to find a way to contact them, had she chose. She had free will. She could have found her family but she did not. She knows why her mother did what she did. Her mother tried to be strong and she was.

    And it worked. The daughter was strong, because the mother was. I believe that when we get stronger, we allow our children to be stronger too. And that was what happened.

    So what do you not agree with me about SWOT?
  18. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Agree absolutely with this.
    Yes. I agree here, too.
  19. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I dont ever believe an estrangement is for the good unless the adult child was seriously abused and it is a safety issue. Her daughter knew why she couldn't reach her mother. She knew she had been violent. She knew it had not been her mother's fault that she had to leave and she could have written a letter to her mother or a trusted relative.
    We want our adult kids to do well, but not to cut us out. I do think the daughter will contact her mother. I hope so. To me, there is nothing strong about estranging somebody that we know loves us. Sorry. Have had it happen and its sbout the cruelest act one can do to somebody else.
    It is strong to admit you were wrong and to reach out to those you wronged. It is weak to run away. That's how I see it. Gone boy is very successful. I don't think he is strong. My mother was weak. So we will have to see this differently. Once you are estranged, you realize how incredibly cruel it is...and weak.
    Last edited: Jul 16, 2016
  20. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    But SWOT who was estranged? Who was shunned? Both the mother and the daughter feel they were shunned by the other. Were they really?

    If anything, Lyra went no contact with her daughter--but she did it to protect her family and herself. And her daughter--when she tried to get into contact with her family--felt shunned by them. Was she really? Would her parents have accepted her if they knew she was in trouble and not doing drugs? I believe they would have.

    SWOT. You know that I believe that cutting off family is the most hurtful of things. And I did it. I cannot forgive myself. I do not believe that estrangement is good. If I could go back and change it, I would.

    The reality in my case was that my mother was, I think, the one who did not want to be around me. Because I was mad. She could not tolerate my anger at her. She never tried to call or write. Not one time. Only to tell me my father was dead.

    And my father was cruel and a horrible drunk. He was a degraded sadist. So did I really shun him or save myself?

    I would never minimize the pain of being cut off by a child. I believe it is the worst thing that can happen to a parent. Probably worse than losing a child to death.