I kicked out DS, told him to choose drug rehab or police

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by TerryJ2, Sep 26, 2015.

  1. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    His pothead friends came over again today. Then they all disappeared. I found 24 neatly stacked cigarette wrappers on the porch table, and lots of butts and ashes. Then I spotted his backpack ...
    so I went through it.

    Found a bunch of weed in his eyeglasses case.
    I can't handle this any more. It's my house.
    (by the way, why is he collecting cig papers? Does he mail them in and get a wall poster?)

    Plus, the psychiatrist said he'd quit treating Difficult Child if he continued pot use. 1) it conflicts with-Concerta and Difficult Child goes on it, then off of it, which is really hard for all of us; and 2) if something bad happens to Difficult Child, it messes with the dr's liability. I don't blame him.
    husband is out of town at a conference and should be home around 8 p.m.
    I took things into my own hands, literally--put everything in a bag and hid it.
    Locked all the doors.

    Made myself a sandwich and waited.

    Saw Difficult Child's friends through the porch windows and heard the dogs bark. (Screened-in porch where Difficult Child smokes ... cigarettes.)
    Difficult Child noticed that the doors were locked and sat with his friends. I went out and confronted him and them. Told him that I didn't trust his choice of friends or activities, they might be fine people but they had to leave. Now. That I found pot, and difficult child cannot use and also have scrips and a dr, and a combo could kill him. "And it's on you," I added, pointing to his "friends" and him. Because I've told all of his friends all of that before.
    (by the way, they were the two who were sleeping on the couch the other day.)

    I told Difficult Child that I would give him his medications for tonight. He would have 12 hrs to come home from where ever he stays tonight, and tell me his decision on whether I call the police or he goes to rehab.
    Difficult Child said he understood. By the time I returned to the porch (I locked it behind me, and deliberately locked myself out to make sure they couldn't get in while I was talking, but of course I had keys) they two kids were gone.

    Difficult Child took his medications. I turned and walked away and said I'd see him at 6.15 a.m.
    Not sure if he'll show up then but I'll be waiting, along with husband.

    Meanwhile, I texted ex-girlfriend's mom (bad timing, since they came home today with the baby), emailed his therapist, and Googled treatment centers. Problem is, he isn't attacking people and isn't suicidal. But he does meet the criteria of not being able to work or attend school, and it does affect his relationships.
    A hospital or rehab stay would shake him up, and get him intensive therapy.

    Now ... for the waiting.
    Last edited: Sep 26, 2015
  2. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Wow, Terry, you did great. You handled it beautifully. Textbook. Now it is a question of waiting. The ball is in your son's court. Try to relax and to do something calming. A reward, whatever that would be for you. I am impressed by your son's response. To say he understood, in front of his friends, is major. That took guts. He took the high road. Good for him. I am hopeful. Take care, Terry. I will be thinking of you.

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  3. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Oh, I forgot to mention--after his friends left, I told him I'd expect a response in the morning, he said he couldn't be charged by the police because the weed was on my property. No way to know it was his and not mine. I said, "I am aware of that but I'll figure out a way."
    End of discussion.
  4. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Terry, it gets better and better. The nerve of our kids. It brings a smile to my face. This is war, and you are winning!!!!!
  5. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Terry, I felt guilty I used the word war. A gentle battle, maybe a match. We love them. But we need to win. Hugs.

    By the way, the weed is in his eyeglass case.
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    Last edited: Sep 26, 2015
  6. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Terry I'm sorry for what happened, but you are handling it with courage and strength. It's good for us when things are clear and we know what we will and won't do.

    Hang in there. We're here for you.
  7. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member


    I support you 100%. Just sorry you have to go through this along with everything else. Super giant hugs.
  8. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Wow. Just wow. He's lucky he isn't my kid because I'd have called them right then and there. I think he'll find that the cops will believe you over him.

    I'm so sorry...and just can't tell you how impressed I am by you. You've made a very tough call on this and I think probably the right one. Don't back down. You're in my prayers.
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  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Yep. Hes lucky hes not my kid too. I called the cops on my daughter at 16 hoping to get her to stop using weed, which I believed was her only drug she used. Your son would have been gone if he were mine and the cops wont believe its not his weed. They'll know.
    I think youve been exceptionally patient with him. I personally think it wonr kill him to have to fend for himself. That has helped s lot of our kids finally get it, although some took time believing we were really done rescuing them.
    The very sad fact is, you canr make him stop his drug use nor can a rehab. Rehabs only work when a person wants to change. If he goes, it wont be a willing wish to change. Many relapse as soon as they leave. You have tough decisions before you and I know you still believe that you can in some way influence your son to do right. But its up to him only. Wish it were different.
    I hope your son does change and wish you tons of luck!
  10. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Welcome, Terry, to the I-had-to-kick-my-kid-out-of-the-house Club.

    Many of us are members.

    I hope your kid is smarter than most, and takes this opportunity to straighten up.

    Hoping tomorrow goes well!

  11. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Thank you.
    I had an unexpectedly nice email tonight from one of my older sisters.
    She put "Sophia" in the subject heading. I thought, uh-oh. Here it comes.
    I told my little sister mo's ago, when I first found out about the pregnancy.
    This week, since the baby was born and D is keeping her, I decided it was time to tell people.
    So my little sister told my brother. He happened to be visiting her in Minn. I didn't want to deal with-his criticism or shock so she said she would. She also has a good way of putting things into perspective, and she's funny.
    So I'm not sure who called whom after that, but I'll see how it shakes out this weekend. There are five of us in the immediate family, and of course, in-laws and other relatives.
    I am not telling Cousin P. She loves drama but I just can't handle repeating this 6 million times. She'll remember it's something about Difficult Child and it's emotional but she won't remember the details.

    Oh, anyway, my older sister (she's a twin--I'll hear from my other sister soon enough) said she bought a gift for Sophia and is mailing it to our house. Wow! She said to call when I feel like talking.
  12. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    You had a full day. You are right. It is your house, and you should be able to live in peace. You are and have bent over backwards to guide him to adulthood. He has refused to comply with your rules. It is a new day and you are taking back your life. he has run things far to long.
  13. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    UGH. Had this happen to us a bunch of times. What are we? The party house? UHUH! The very last thing you need is a bunch of pot heads holed up at your house when you are not there getting high.

    Good for you. Stand firm Mama.

    Hope that he wakes up, and all goes well tomorrow.
  14. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    How are things going?
  15. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Wow. Lots going on. Thinking of you Terry.
  16. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I walked the dogs outside a bit ago ... H's car drove up, apparently they not only saw my car, but the dogs through the trees, and circled the driveway and left.
    He does need his medications. And I bet he wants a shower ... All he has to do is get out of the car and ring the doorbell.
    I love watching her throw gravel under her tires when she leaves: he says "jump," she says, "how high?" :sick:
  17. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Terry, You just got your answer.
  18. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Sad when our adult children play us this way.Your instructions and expectations were simple enough. You are saving yourself a heap of trouble by setting rules, limits and boundaries, and sticking to them.

    Not to add to your worries, but as a side note from our experience, secure your house. My difficult children had no problem breaking in to our house while we were at work. They would nonchalantly say, "Well you were at work, and the door was locked, and I needed to get...." Or the old "That wasn't me."

    You might want to consider this, although I don't know the laws in your State. Where we live, if our adult children live with us and use our address, in order to remove them from our home legally (they are given the same rights as tenants here), we have to get an eviction notice, and follow all of the guidelines there. You might want to look in to that in case he gets vindictive.

    Keep standing firm. Pot does strange things to folks. I think it is much more addictive, and maybe mixed with other stuff. Drugs turn our kids in to strangers, and they have no problem hurting their parents to continue their lifestyle.

    "It aint over til the fat lady sings."

    Tough love. Your house, your rules, your right to live peaceably. (((HUGS)))
  19. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    New Leaf said, ".......And maybe mixed with other stuff." That is an understatement. My son was genuinely surprised when he tested positive for cocaine and a horse tranquilizer as well as the weed. Dealers are lacing it with all kinds of other drugs and who knows what other poisons. I have been around people who smoke weed since the late 60's and 70's. Most of them have stopped smoking unless they can get medical quality from reputable suppliers ( never thought I would be using reputable in the same breath as dealer) I am so happy that I never felt the need to escape through drugs or alcohol.
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  20. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I think you handled it very well. You have given him so many chances.

    I dealt with this with my son. The first time I found pot and pipes in my son's room I threw them out and told him if I ever found it again that I would call the cops. He then proceeded to tell me go ahead, you're the one who will go to jail, it's illegal for you to search MY room. I just stood there and started laughing!! In hindsight that might not have been the best thing to do but I couldn't help it. I told him that he was very wrong, that it was not HIS room. I explained that it was MY house, I paid the mortgage and the room he occupied was temporary only for as long as he lived under MY roof and since it was my house I could look anywhere I wanted to.
    Well, it did happen again, I found pot in his room so I called the cops and explained what I had found and where, then asked them to come and remove it from my home which they did. As long as you leave it where you found it there should not be an issue. Even if your tried to say it was yours I really doubt the police would believe that, I mean you would be the one calling the cops, why would you do that if it was yours????
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