I knew this day would come but it still worries me

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by mog, Oct 2, 2010.

  1. mog

    mog Member

    how difficult child will react. difficult child has always held anger toward his bio sister about their biological father. He thinks that he cared more about her than him and has many times told her that he doesn't understand how she can still care about him much less love him.
    I always have thought that difficult child needed anger management for this particular issue but he denies that he is angry about it. Well she is going to be 20 in March and difficult child will be 18 in Nov. She came by today to tell me that she has decided to try to find him. She said that it still hurts and upsets her. She said she still doesn't know what she will say to him IF she finds him --it will be spur of the moment.
    For those of you that don't remember any of my original posts--I was struggling with a lot of issues then. I had to morn him like he died because the man I knew did die. After our roll over he completely changed his life. He left when the kids where barely 3 and just turned 2. After the divorce was final he disappeared . He never has written or called much less provide for them in any form. I had told their grandmother and aunt that they could see the kids but not to bring him up at all. They did that for awhile but then several years ago they made comments in front of the kids that made me mad so now they don't see them. Even now that they have their own phones and websites and all they still hardly ever contact them. My daughter asked her grandmother to help her find him but she lied to her and told her she had not spoken to him in 10 years. My daughter is hurt that she lied. I have told my kids the truth about what happened. That he had his head cut open 10 inches in the car accident and after that he decided that he wanted to change. I don't know all the details as that I have not had any contact with him but it was brought to my attention years ago that he had a website that goes into detail about he had surgery and became a woman. When my kids were old enough I told them that but their grandmother and aunt still lie to them. Their grandmothers husband let it slip one time that I called that they had just spoken to him a few days before. I am worried that my daughter is going to find that he really didn't care about anybody but himself (I know that to an extent she already knows) but I do not want him/her/it to hurt my kids again. I am afraid that this will set difficult child off on a tailspin after he has been doing so well.
    Mostly I am worried that this will put more tension between my two children. How can I protect them? I don't know what I will do if any of them hurt my kids!
  2. Jena

    Jena New Member

    wow this is right up my alley lol. sheesh i'm sorry first of all for all this **** in your life and especially kids. you truly just never do know with ppl. i say that all the time. with that being said i lived a life whereas my dad also took off on us, no contact, no money etc. i wanted to find him etc. and boy did i ever.

    all i can say is this your children are turning into adults, one is practically an adult. you can't control this issue anymore. my mom counldnt' when i was eleven. i went to seek mine out. did it hurt, yes. was it the right thing to do? i dont' know.

    at the end of the day they seemingly need some type of closure to this, they may have gotten so much conflicting info regarding him that easy child is somewhat determined to find him, seek out the answers for herself, settle the curiosity. it very well may hurt them, it is part of their world in a sense. yet you can't stop it or control it. all you can do is help guide at this point in my opinion. you have to go with what your mom gut is telling you. yet i know from experience first hand if they wanna seek him out they certainly willl. you are not responsible for this man's faults, mistakes or abondenment of the kids i think you get that. nor will you be responsible if they do get hurt a bit. yet in all honesty sometimes it's what a kid needs to end closure to what seems like alot of stories and emotions circling the issue.

    you will be there for her and him, cause you sound like a great mom. and they may hurt, but than they'll heal. and when they do it'll be forever not just for today or just from the last story they heard about him (conflicting info. stupid ex's family gives them). also if she does locate him, she will than be able to first hand judge for herself as an almost adult person who this man really is.

    it's one of those situations that as parents we'd love to be able to control, protect yet you just cant'. sometimes things just have to go full circle however they will go. again just my opinion. i lived it twice unfortunately with my own dad and with my easy child whose dad isn't in the picture.

    good luck and have faith in the children that you have raised and the logic and values you have taught them. ((hugs))
  3. mog

    mog Member

    Thank you so much for your input
  4. Jena

    Jena New Member

    sorry if i was a bit revved up. it hit close to home for me. it sux being a mom in your position, i totally get it. i really do. just have some faith with this one and it really will turn out ok. your a good mom for caring so much
  5. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Not sure how you handle something like this, except by trusting in the adult you raised and by loving them and being there to support and hug and love then when they learn whatever the truth is about him.
  6. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member


    Was he a good dad/husband before the accident? Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI)'s can change someone so completely.

    I would recommend finding a therapist who specializes in reunion therapy (I know she wasn't adopted but it is the same process.) Maybe you could show her his website and she can get a better idea of who he is now.
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    As the mom of adopted kids, I knew my kids could/would search one day and that not all their stories are pretty. After they turn eighteen in my opinion you can't stop them and it's best just to be there for them. They in my opinion have a right to confront the parent who rejected them...I think maybe it closes a chapter in their lives. (((Hugs)))...I know this is a hard issue.
  8. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Whew. So much has changed.
    I agree with-the others, that your kids are basically adults and will have to deal with-it sooner or later. You cannot protect them any more. You can influence them, but that's about it.
    I, too, was wondering what he was like b4 the accident.
  9. mog

    mog Member

    When we first met things were great. We went dancing every weekend and he would buy me thoughtful gifts, send me roses for no reason but then about 5 months into my pregnancy he changed. He became very selfish and narcissistic. Would stay out late or not come home. He worked nights and I days but we would take the kids to the daycare even on his days off. I found out later that he had been cheating for a long time with several partners. Then after the accident he said that life was too short not to do what he wanted. He didn't want to be married or have kids anymore. Then after the divorce was final he went up to my parents to see the kids (four hour trip) for 15 minutes then just disappeared. He was not a good father -no -I had to defend the kids a lot from him. I came home one time and both kids were screaming and he had them in the bathtub and the water was scalding hot - I burned my hand just trying to get them out. They were trying to get out but he would push them back in. He really was awful with difficult child.