I know....Im a slow learner !!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by sooooo tired, Mar 18, 2016.

  1. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

    I feel like every time I get on here I am saying the same things over and over !! But I just can't see the light at the end of my tunnel. My daughter wears me out so much !! It never ends. It's quiet for awhile then back to drama land !!! She has left the boyfriend again!! She was living with a girlfriend, Now she has talked her brother into staying with him!! The last time she moved in with him it lasted three months and he made her leave. Of course she did not use that 3 months to make any changes. She just barges in on peoples lives and expects them to provide for her! Im not getting into it. If he let her in, then he has to figure out how to get her out once again! Alls I know is that she is NOT comin here!!! I am just so sick of her depending on other people all the time !! I just feel like its a lifetime sentence to have to deal with her ! And I don't want to !!!! But she calls and goes on and on about how badly her boyfriend has treated her for the last five years and wants me to feel sorry for her. But she NEVER does anything about it but latch on to whoever will let her in!!
    I swear if she wouldn't have had her last child whom I totally love...it would be no problem for me to have zero contact with her!
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  2. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member



  3. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Sooooo tired, I do not think you are a slow learner. I think the actions of our loved ones present challenges for us. It is a process. Everyone is at different stages, parents and d cs here. Some d cs have shown improvement, others have not, it is the same ole, same ole.

    You and I are going through a similar journey, where our d cs are struggling along with themselves and abusive men and it can be oh so wearisome to the soul. Although we try as best we can to lovingly detach, it is not easy to achieve.
    You have worked hard and are determined that your daughter will not move back in with you, that is BIG, Sooootired, really big.

    I think knowledge is powerful and reading about domestic violence and how abusers manipulate and control victims, helps me to understand whats going on with my two. If you have read enough, no need to click on the link, but the quote I found from the link applies to you and me both, I think. I have tried and tried with both of my daughters, to no avail.


    "For many mothers you have to take care of yourself, have clear boundaries, know your limits, and seek support for yourself. If you have given all you can give and you know you’ve fully informed your daughter and extended your hand one too many times, you might need a huge dose of self-compassion and to stop providing active support."

    In reading some of your threads, you have done this.You will not have your daughter living at home, it is too much for you, me too, Sooootired. Nothing changes. The drama becomes up close and personal and invades our home.We have set the boundary there. I think it is okay to draw another line if there is calling with constant talk of the abuse, I think it is okay for us to gently tell our daughters how we feel, that it is hard for us to hear what they are going through because we love them and it hurts too much.

    As for your son opening up his house to her, that is his choice. I know it is distressing to you. I am sorry for your hurt and pain over this. But, we have no control over what our adult children decide to do.

    Domestic violence is a very ugly thing. Reading about what abusive men use to gain power over their victims, they use tactics that distort reality and perception. It is a mind control game.
    Forgive me, I am writing this as much for myself as for you. If our daughters have issues with good judgement due to substance abuse, mental illness, or both, they are the perfect targets for these men. I see why they have a hard time leaving, it does not make it any easier to witness, for years.........

    That being written, SIGH, BIG SIGH.

    What a challenge we have as mothers and grandmothers! We are tested to the core with this.

    The timing is always impeccable with my two, just when I begin to climb out of the pit and feel better, start to have some good days..... BOOM!...... Drama.

    My posts are the same, too. It is because the drama is the same. It is insanity. Please do not feel bad about your posting, because if you do, then I have to also, and really, posting here has been the one thing that has helped me to hold on to some sense of sanity.

    Sooootired, was your daughter ever diagnosed with Borderline (BPD)? I just looked it up and I have to tell you, it fits my eldest, and some traits, my Tornado. They have both used substances, so I don't know if it is a result of that, or.....I don't know. I just know that they are not the people I remember them to be. The mood swings and the reliance, then animosity towards me.

    I hold on to the hope that they are still in there stuck inside of all of this craziness, and one day they will figure it out.

    I hear you on the drama and the constant relying on others to pick up the pieces.
    It is very, very tiring.
    It is exasperating.
    My grands, ugh, a whole 'nother chapter.

    Keep posting Sooootired. While our d cs are repeating the same old stories, so are we.
    It comes with the territory of being warriors here, the battle continues.

    I feel your pain and frustration, but I also see that you are learning and changing your patterns of response.

    Please do not be so hard on yourself. You are a good person, you have value and you matter.

    We are going through the hardest thing.

    You are not alone.


  4. so ready to live

    so ready to live Active Member

    Welcome back SoooTired-I'm sorry you have to come though. In essence, we are all sorry to have to be here. You are so right, the drama can go on and on. Even though we don't like it much, drama must serve them well as they continue it indefinitely it seems. Even when it's quiet for awhile, I remain on guard, awaiting the next big catastrophe-what a way to live.
    Her brother, as an adult, can choose this or not and so many times DCs take it/dish it out differently to others. My other kids have all tried with my son and A. at least they know what we deal with ie. see the whole picture first hand B. just maybe they can be another voice of reason.

    It's good you have decided she can't come home with you. It seems you've tried without success before and so why do that again?
    The most helpful advice we've gotten is that when the drama or pity-seeking ramps up, just say "Oh?" This indicates you're listening yet your mind can be anyplace, blocking it out or trying to disengage. I also like "I'm sure you will figure that out". Put it back on her, it seems you have nothing left to give and yet she continues to press. I understand about your grand, I do miss my grandson too. I just hope someday he'll understand and we will have a relationship, he takes the brunt of having irresponsible parents and it's not fair is it?
    Do something for you today, take it slow, remember you are a good mom-this is just SO DARN HARD. Prayers.
  5. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    soootired, I like your avatar a lot!!

  6. Roxona

    Roxona Active Member

    Sorry you are having a rough time. It's almost like a boomerang. We try to push the drama away from us only to have it come right back. Bleh! I, fortunately, do not have the issue of grandbabies with any of my DCs, but I feel your pain and can understand how difficult it would be. I hope you have better days. (((Hugs)))
  7. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Hi So, this isn't about being a slow learner or a fast learner. It's about detaching from our d_c's and taking our lives back. The "timing" is not the same for everyone.
    I spent many years allowing my son's chaos to interfere with my life. I had successfully, partially detached from him which is where I think you are right now. Where you are right now is okay. You may not feel like it but you are making progress. How do I know this, because you are still here with us.
    I am not giving up on you so don't give up on yourself.

    You not letting her come live with you is progress. I know how draining it can be but stay steady the course. If other people want to enable her that is on them, try and let that go.

    It is hard when there are grands.

    Stay strong, you are doing great.

    ((HUGS)) to you my friend.
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  8. TheWalrus

    TheWalrus I Am The Walrus

    Your signature line says you believe your daughter has B P D. My daughter is formally diagnosed, and I believe she also has narcissistic and anti-social traits as well. I would encourage you to read everything you can, and I mean everything you can about the disorder. Not only behaviors, but the best ways to respond as a family member so that you don't become enmeshed in her problems. Understanding my daughter, her behaviors, and gaining tools in how to handle her meltdowns and set boundaries with her saved my sanity.
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  9. Kalahou

    Kalahou Active Member

    I am following along with your thread. I can relate to so much of what you said and how you feel. We are all learning here and all taking it one day at a time. We understand, and you are not alone.
    I have had all these feelings also, off and on. I have been learning detachment and boundaries. I have grandchildren also, and am even setting boundaries with how much I will assist with those matters also.

    My other adult children (difficult son's siblings) and son's ex-wife already learned ~ way before I did ~ to just be done with him. He wore out his welcome with them long ago. So I pity my son, knowing husband and I are the only ones probably on the earth that care a wit about him. But there's not much more we can do. We are sooooo tired also.

    Difficult son has to walk the lonesome valley himself. It is his own life and purpose, his path alone, until such time as he sincerely wants change for himself.
    Take care and keep posting with us here. It helps.
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    Last edited: Mar 21, 2016
  10. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

    Thanks Copa....I made it. That is one thing I love...making wreaths and flower arrangements, gets my mind off things! I would make you one if you like!!
  11. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Bless you So Tired. Of course you are exhausted. The merry go round never seems to stop. Have you noticed that the drama is energizing to our DCs and it is completely exhausting to us, just watching it all and being on the periphery? Isn't that interesting? They are motivated by it, while we are depleted by it.

    We have to learn how to get off the merry go round, and that is a hard and long lesson for most of us, who love them so much, to learn.

    Be patient with yourself.

    It is what it is.
    Nothing changes if nothing changes.
    Changing just one thing...can lead to a succession of other changes.

    So...if they aren't going to change, at least right now...then we have to change.

    The change could be: letting her calls go to voice mail for 24 hours. Then 48 hours. Then 72 hours. Then responding...if you want to...or not.

    That change can be a very healthy start for you.

    You are fine with whatever you post and whatever is going on. Don't feel bad about being right where you are with this whole situation. We KNOW how painful and exhausting this is.

    We have learned this other key thing: When we are sick and tired enough, we will do something different.

    When they are sick and tired enough, they will do something different.

    And not one minute before. That's okay. You can't be ready to do something you're not ready to do. We all respect that here.

    Isn't this great? We have to intentionally make a plan to start doing things for ourselves, small things, small kindnesses, to comfort and heal ourselves when things are so awfully painful and hard. A walk, a nap, a book, fresh flowers, lunch with a friend. Small things. This is the pathway to peace.

    Ah, isn't this so, so very true? Each of us, really, has to walk the lonesome valley. Us, to our own recovery from enabling. Them, from their own mental illnesses and demons that torment them. The walk is hard and lonely. We each have one life to life. They...theirs. Us...ours. We aren't the same person. We can't live their lives for them. We are only truly responsible, once they are adults, for our own lives. That's a full time job.

    This is very very true. Adults get to choose what they want. Even if it makes no sense to us. Her brother will get tired of it too, and then he will have to deal with it, or not. Let go of that. Let them deal with it.

    Ah, so tired, please know that we are here fore. So glad you have distractions, like making wreaths. What a positive thing for you! Focusing on this creative exercise is a healing thing.

    Things will get better. You can make changes in your own life that will bring you more and more peace, regardless of what she decides to do.

    Stand back a bit from her life. Let some time go by. Wait. Don't react and respond to every communication from her...instead let some hours or days go by, whatever you can do at first.

    I very much remember the day I realized---it was like a bolt out of the blue---that I could actually let Difficult Child's calls go to voice mail. I didn't have to answer them. It sounds like a very small thing, but it was huge to me. Realizing that gave me choices and it gave me some space and time to collect myself before talking to him. I could call him back when I WAS READY. I could plan what I was going to say.

    We have choices. We have to just exercise them. Starting that process is a whole new mindset. Please give that some thought and see what you can come up with that you can live with.

    We care about you and we are here for you. Hugs today!