I know it's my fault, I keep rescuing her every time she calls.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by So tired of it., Dec 11, 2017.

  1. So tired of it.

    So tired of it. New Member

    I get sucked in every time. This time a desperate cry from another state wanting to come home because she and her boyfriend had to break up. Over 3,200 miles away and she followed him that far cause that is the college he chose to play basketball. Luckily I only let her have 3 suitcases cause that only lasted 4 weeks total before he quit. She gets home and then tells me that they are not really broken up they just cant afford out of state tuition and that's why she came home to finish her last 7 classes. In August, over 1,100 miles away a desperate call to come home and finish all the classes she needed to take the MCAT at home, which would take just over a year. I moved her back, cost over $1,400 to move her, she promised me she would stay and finish and 10 days after I moved her home she announced she was moving over 3,200 mile away to be with him.

    He: Doesn't have much going on. He just left his 4th of 5th college cause everyone was mean to him. He is physically damaged and he keeps telling my daughter he is going to be in the NBA.

    She: Used to have something going on till him. She has a bachelors degree at 19 years old. She used to have so much excitement about getting thru college and wanted to be a surgeon. The words still come out of her mouth but they don't mean much at this point.

    I am treated poorly by her. She has posted on twitter that I am so rude and inconsiderate. I feel lost at this point, I want her gone so she can go live her wonderfully awesome life with him but she wants to use us up first. She thinks that because when they lived together just recently, for 4 weeks, that they are meant to be together cause they got along so wonderfully.
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Nobody can make you stop the madness of your rescues but you. I suggest therapy to help you say no to insane requests that include her lies to you about her intentions.

    If she wants to trek all over the world after him, let her work and save up to do it.
    I wonder how hard she would work to see this man she can't live without.

    Therapy can help you ignore her toddler tantrums when she puts on the histrionics. Ignore the drama. She is old enough to pay for her own fantasy world. You don't owe her this nonsense.
     
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  3. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Next time she asks for help, remember the two times you described. Re-read this post if you have to. My suggestion: Tell her you are tapped out as far as help, if she wants to move again she'll need to figure it out on her own. She needs to make up her mind about what she wants to do, and figure out a way to do it.

    Decide what you are and aren't willing to do, communicate that to her, then stick to it. Emphasize that the it's her choice... it used to drive my daughters crazy when I said that, but I kept pushing it. "You can do x with my support, or you can do y without it. Your choice."

    It's not easy, I know. Ignore her Twitter and Facebook as much as you can, those postings are manipulative, especially if she knows you can read them. Most teenagers think their parents are rude and inconsiderate when they dn't give them what they want.. and she is still teenager, even if she's legally an adult at 19. She still has some growing up to do.

    Hang in there, and remember that her decisions are HERS, even if they're bad ones (i.e., ones you wouldn't make for her). That's one of the toughest parts of dealing with adult "offspring" (I'm working on not calling them kids or children any more), I've found. Remembering that their choices aren't about me. I'm not the one that has to live with the consequences of their decisions - unless I choose to.
     
    Last edited: Dec 12, 2017
  4. Unhappymom

    Unhappymom New Member

    I have a similar situation, however i am the cause. My adult 40 year old son lives in another country... He left the USA because he wouldnt abide by our laws....they're ridiculous hed say. Cant hold a job, currently lives in a beach town, no job, always a story to go along with a need for money. Girls find out hes lazy and leave. Scammed us out of thousands of dollars for this business venture or that one. All failed. Calls for rent money, food.....i have to admit i gave him the money so he'd leave me alone and stay where he was as he was angry and violent when he was living with us. (We did all the counseling and medication routes). But there would always be another legal problem, a root canal, vet bills (yes cant feed himself, but has 2 dogs) etc. My husband is stronger than i am and can easily say no. Im the weaker one. Well i retired last year and told him i would not have the income i once had so the money requests needed to stop. Of course they didnt, and now im so angry at myself for not being strong enough to stop this manipulative behavior. 7 weeks ago he posted on facebook he had a broken arm with a picture....he requested money to have surgery for screw reimforcement...of course no insurance and living in Mexico! Im an RN so when he told.me some of the details things werent adding up. I believe he did break his arm, but believe the money is to live on. I dont have the kind of savings he is requiring..so i have finally decided to cut off communication with him. He is saying (to his Aunt) that i picked a fine time to disconnect. I say its now or never. He has friends, several own bars....how about a fund raiser. So im not on facebook anymore, he cant contact me through messenger as i uninstalled it, ive blocked his number from both our phones. I am feeling guilty, but i cant live like this. Ive worked my whole life, to be able to enjoy my retirement, not feed him my hard earned money so he doesnt have to work. Ive looked for support groups in my area and cant find any. Most are for enabling addicted family members. This guy has sucked every ounce of happiness out of me to the point i can't enjoy my life. Hes on my mind all the time. Believe me this is just a hint of what life has been, i could wrote a book remember hes 40 years old! This forum is the first i have found that has others dealing with the same thing....please someone tell me im doing the right thing.....this kid/grown man is making me miserable.
    ..
     
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  5. Sam3

    Sam3 Active Member

    Unhappy Mom,

    You are doing the right thing.

    (And your journey is worth recounting. You should start a thread.)
     
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  6. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I agree UnhappyMom, you definitely are doing the right thing. Take care of you now, you matter, you deserve it. Your son is a grown adult man and as difficult as it is to detach from his lifestyle choices and behaviors, it is the healthy choice for you and in my opinion, for him too. Keep your strong boundaries (BRAVO!) and go enjoy your life!
     
    Last edited: Dec 13, 2017
  7. Unhappymom

    Unhappymom New Member

    Thank you so.much! I needed that. This is soooo hard.
     
  8. HMBgal

    HMBgal Active Member

    Uhappymom and So Tired of It, I'm in this mess too with my 41 year old daughter. She's just about homeless (got her eviction notice last week), with an unregistered car and no car insurance, health insurance, pretty much unemployable, teeth breaking off from her meth addiction when she was in her 20s, etc. I finally told her I will raise her kids and have been for the last two years, and anything I give her takes away from them. Her life and problems are absolutely overwhelming to me. It's absolutely brutal. I had a son die young, now I feel like I'm losing her. I have one child left that's doing well. And her son, 11, was sent to the ER a week ago today for suicidal ideation and sending suicide notes to his classmates. It was histrionics, I knew, but he has depression, anxiety, DMDD, and who knows what else. I'm exhausted. I try and focus on my other daughter and her children, who are amazing and functional, and for my grandson's 9 year old sister, who is amazing and functional and brings such joy to all. Sigh. Hugs all around.
     
    Last edited: Dec 18, 2017
  9. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    HMBgal, how are you doing? Your post above is lost in this thread, perhaps starting one of your own?

    Geez, you've got so much on your plate, I hope you're finding ways to care for yourself in the midst of all of it. Sending you hugs and caring wishes for you to find some peace.....hang in there....
     
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  10. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    hmbgal hi.

    i second the idea of posting your own thread.

    first. a hug. you are a hero. A wounded hero who keeps going, carrying vulnerable comrades and making sure everybody gets back to the fort safely and in one piece. and then? you volunteer for a another mission.

    i think the first thing is acknowledge the hero you are.

    the second is to look for and give yourself what sustains your life so that you are able to give yourself the star treatment you warrant. and keep going.

    that daughters"s life is overwhelming to You does not one thing except exhaust and defeat you as it would do anybody.

    what you and i need is to find is a way to let our kids be the heros of their own movies. she can do this.

    where i live meth has been a huge problem for almost 30 years. we live off of a major transport line for drugs which is also a big manufacturing, cultivation center.

    sometimes it feels like twenty percent of the town is recovering. they do. they rebuild their lives. they become heroes too. of their own lives.

    there are all kinds of clinics (sliding scale) where she can get her teeth fixed. m, my partner, had maybe 20k dental work done (not meth.) (he is low income). he paid maybe 1k max over a period of years.

    the thing is your daughter needs to decide to save herself. once she does she will find a whole world of support. but you cannot hold her up yourself. picture that image of a woman holding the globe in her arms.

    if it were me i would join a church or synagogue. but the thing is, she has to decide to open her arms and dig down.until she does this it is a waiting game.

    but not for you. it does not have to be your burden. that is what we learn here and in personal therapy and for some 12 step groups. for me, it is a long haul.

    take care.

    .
     
    Last edited: Dec 20, 2017
  11. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Prayers and hugs for all you mommas that are dealing with the impossible.

    Yes you are doing the right thing cutting your 40 year old son off!!! It's hard and it hurts and it doesn't mean you don't love him but come on!

    My advice to all is to get into therapy if possible. I did not do well in groups - felt more down and hopeless hearing all the sad stories - so I found my own therapist who is an addictions specialist and I unload on her and she guides me. It helps me to cope.

    :staystrong::notalone:
     
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