I know I've asked before but I need more...

[hearts and roses]

I know I've already beat the topic of mother in law coming to live with us to DEATH, but H still hasn't pulled his head out of his, um, well, you know. He is still thinking of using mother in law's home sale funds to buy another home with a mother in law apt in it for us all to share. I can't do that, for all the reasons already posted to DEATH, but I don't have the resources to move out on my own and likely will not until next Spring. He was supposed to go to FL this weekend to tell his mom face to face that she will NOT be moving into our home in the Spring, but has found multiple excuses for not doing so (busy at work, no money, bad timing, etc).

Just when I thought he was thinking sensibly, here it is another Monday and he's not booked his flight or made that call.

So, one more time, please either send H some balls or me some strength (or both). Thanks again!

 

[AnnieO]

Sending whatever I can squeeze through the ethernet cable. I SO understand. Different situation, but yes, I get it.

It's not like mother in law is a child... Sigh.

 

[buddy]

I dont know if you remember, I posted long ago that my son collects "balls". We have an extra box in the basement garage if you want me to ship them to you???

Seriously, I am so sorry. This is a huge stressor. Will keep working on it thru devine help as much as my little heart can.

 

[keista]

Why do people say "Grow some balls"? Balls are weak and sensitive! If you really wanna get tough, grow a vagina! Those things take a pounding! -unknown

Attributed to Betty White, but apparently she never said this.

 

[hearts and roses]

Why do people say "Grow some balls"? Balls are weak and sensitive! If you really wanna get tough, grow a vagina! Those things take a pounding! -unknown Attributed to Betty White, but apparently she never said this.

We just like to think a sweet little old lady like Betty did say this!

Thanks Ladies, once again!

 

[DDD]

I have no new suggestions. Truly I wish I could think of one more sentence or thought that might be of help. Obviously I don't know if he is afraid or if he is playing with your head. The fact that he is "bucking" you, sister in law and brother in law seems to indicate to me that he "may" be having a midlife transformation.
I've even wondered (sorry to say) if he is being seduced by the idea that he is the favorite one and therefore can assure his financial future by staying close to mother in law. To me it appears that he is savoring his new empowerment.

I'm sorry to sound negative when you are in need. on the other hand, I truly hope that you are keeping a journal of his comments and behaviors for your future financial protection. Hopefully I am wrong but like all good Boy Scouts "Be Prepared" for whichever way it blows. Many sincere hugs. DDD

 

[HaoZi]

I know ultimatums are generally bad things, but it might be time you gave him a very firm deadline to inform her or... (you look for your own place, you inform her by whatever method, whatever).

Or get a small beanbag and whenever he gives you an excuse why he hasn't done it yet, throw it at his head (because he's obviously not using it).

 

[hearts and roses]

Oh DDD, thanks for your thoughts. I feel like I've hit quicksand with this whole matter. H may be seduced by the newfound power, I don't know. It could be a midlife thing - he turns 50 in two weeks! It could be a lot of things, I just don't know. But I am just having a really difficult time today after our conversation the other night at dinner. Seems he says what he thinks I want to hear and then just does his own thing altogether.

You said something in another thread about him being selfish. I'd never thought that of H before. However, in recent years, I am 'seeing' that he can be quite selfish in many ways. The funny thing is that he constantly makes derogatory comments about his sister for always bending to her H's will...and yet...he expects me to do the same??

It's not like I can detach from this either, which is what some have suggested, as it directly pertains to MY LIFE. Hahahaah = sounds so dramatic, but it's true. Anyway, thanks for the thoughts - much appreciated.

 

[hearts and roses]

I know ultimatums are generally bad things, but it might be time you gave him a very firm deadline to inform her or... (you look for your own place, you inform her by whatever method, whatever).

Or get a small beanbag and whenever he gives you an excuse why he hasn't done it yet, throw it at his head (because he's obviously not using it).

Oh, I really love this idea best! Beanbag to the head!

 

[1905]

He knows you're not going anywhere, because you can't until spring. It's time to bs him like he's doing to you. Let me call your house and give him a message to give you...something along the lines of..."The apartment you were interested in will be available in December, and we can sign the paperwork this week. And yes, you can put the deposit on your credit card" (He would be responsible for half of credit cards, right?) Why should you have to be stressing out about this, what's the holdup? Have him tell you the truth, or her! He owes it to both of you. If he wants her to move in- he has to tell you (because your apt. is ready in Dec and you can't get that deposit back)

 

[Steely]

Bouncing many balls your direction...........
hugs

 

[KTMom91]

Bouncy bouncing from California...

...and throwing a little honey badger fierceness for you.

 

[DammitJanet]

I swear this is absurd. He needs to grow up enough to tell one of you the truth. If he actually, truthfully intends to have his mommy live with him until she dies then he needs to just come out and tell you that is what he intends to do and you can like it or not. That would be what a grown up would do.

Back in 1990 Tony and I had to have a very difficult discussion about returning to Lumberton because his grandmother was getting too old to continue to live in the town with no one else around. He had promised me from the time we met that he would never take me back there to live and now he was asking me to do just that. Believe me, this is not a town I really wanted to live in for a long time...lol. We also discussed the fact that when we moved here we wanted to keep the boys here for the rest of their school years because we didnt want to drag them hither and yon changing schools all the time. So getting stuck here was it. I did it because I wanted him to do what he felt was best and then we know that he returned the favor when my mom moved in with us later on.

But the thing is...we talked about it. We never demanded it or hid it or left the other one out of the decision making process. All of these important decisions about our lives were made together and hello...we are not married! We have been together longer than most marriages but still. We have always said that if we ever signed that piece of paper we would probably end up on Divorce Court in a month...lol

 

[hearts and roses]

I swear this is absurd. He needs to grow up enough to tell one of you the truth. If he actually, truthfully intends to have his mommy live with him until she dies then he needs to just come out and tell you that is what he intends to do and you can like it or not. That would be what a grown up would do.

Yes, absurd indeed. After me telling him FIVE times, he finally called his sister...from outside...on his cell phone...wth? he claims that he didn't want to be interrupted. Something smells funny to me.

We have another counseling appointment set up for tomorrow evening, which I'm certain he will blow off again. When I mentioned it to him tonight, he asked me, "Did you ever renew your life insurance policy yet?" because my life ins lapsed several months ago and I haven't gotten around to renewing it. So, he's trying to use that against me as a means to avoid dealing with the matter of his mother? Oh no, I don't think so.

 

[DammitJanet]

What in the H does your life insurance have to do with the price of tea in China? Unless he plans on knocking you off! That would just send shivers down me. Wait..no...I would have killed him first. Tony would have been too afraid to have even said something like that to me...lol. Dont give me ideas!

 

[hearts and roses]

What in the H does your life insurance have to do with the price of tea in China? Unless he plans on knocking you off! That would just send shivers down me. Wait..no...I would have killed him first. Tony would have been too afraid to have even said something like that to me...lol. Dont give me ideas!

Janet, his "point" is that I'm procrastinating on the life ins so I shouldn't nag him about the matter with his mom, BS.

Oh, wait, did I say BS? Because I meant to say BS!!!!

 

[InsaneCdn]

Just go pay the doggone insurance, so its done.
It gives him one less excuse.

 

[Liahona]

Then he'll find another excuse.

I know his next excuse could be....

Your toe nails aren't the right color. Has about as much to do with it as the insurance does.

Yes, she should pay the insurance, but it won't solve the excuse problem.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Yes, she should pay the insurance, but it won't solve the excuse problem.

Yes, but...

DF was that way (my dad, not DaisyFace!)... and Mom met him head on. When he really got his head stuck somewhere and pulled all these "but you..." things... She simply filled in her gaps, and confronted again. It took about 10 rounds the first time (never so many ever after!)... until HIS complaints were becoming obviously absurd, and HER complaints were... the same as at the beginning. She had done hers in the order requested, so now it was HIS Turn.

 

[Mattsmom277]

He sure is hiding in the sand on this. I'm sorry. The comment about not telling the truth to one of you rings true. He won't tell her it can't and won't happen but won't tell you it is his choice and deal with that choice. Given that the clock
Is ticking quickly and that you've mentioned she's getting rid of things in preparation etc tells me that it really is up to you to make a stand. You can tell mother in law that this is not happening and be honest why or tell your husband your plans with a deadline if he doesn't deal with this. He really isn't respecting your marriage and the counseling is being
Dodged by him.

I think I might mail a certified letter to mother in law that you love her etc but for xyz reasons she can't and won't be moving in with you and husband. After it was sent I think I'd arrange to stay a night at a friends or hotel and leave husband a to the pOint letter. I love you, I waited for you to do this but you seemed
Unable. I wrote xyz to your mother. I'll be home tomorrow. Your marriage comes
First and I'd he goes ahead to not back this decision then he can expect that you will see the marriage is no longer what he wants and you will make your own plans and realize he is telling you he no longer wants a marriage. It's harsh in some ways but a far cry from the lack of support to you and the marriage he has been showing. Honestly? It sounds toe like he can't tell his mother and is pushing for someone else to be the bad guy and bearer of the news to him. Bad position to out you in if that's the case. If he
Decides to defy you and rebuff your letter and move on with plans with her then sadly you've made your choice for what you need. If heaves ahead with her not moving in after you letters you can then work on seeing if he is then ready to own his own decision and make amends to you for putting you through all of this.

Again I'm sorry this is going on. I do think standing your grown and pushing this to a decision is sadly firmly in your hands. Can pushing it to a head be any worse than this ongoing strain on you and your marriage?