I Know We Shouldn't Compare, but...

Marguerite

Active Member
Daisy, don't ever be ashamed of your child. And Bran, I hear you on the 'blame the parents" routine. You have a heaven-sent opportunity to educate someone and at the same time to share what makes you happy about your child. Sometimes we need to get back in touch with this.

So the other mother is sharing with you about her perfect child? Chances are she's ony showing you the pretty side. It's what we do, as parents. And she WILL find out who your daughter is. You failed to share - that spoke volumes. So in her mind, did you fial to share out of shame, or fail to share because you just don't care about your child? SHE doesn't know; she will draw her own conclusions.

We live in a small town, you would think people would know the true picture, but we went for years with people (friends who should have known better) assuming the problem was just bad parenting. Our neighbour over the road was someone I thought would understand; she had her own problems with the health of her child. But when I shared with her about the autism diagnosis, her reaction was, "There's nothing wrong with him; he's just a spoilt liuttle boy."
Another friend, lives a few doors away, teaches at the local school. I only found out for sure earlier this week what I had suspected - her son bullied my son, repeatedly, badly, over years, because the mother endorsed it and actively campaigned to get my son expelled.
In both those cases, they just didn't understand. The first case - they moved away before they really knew. The second - she drew the short straw and was his class teacher for a year and became very supportive. Relatively speaking. She also saw that it was NOT a parenting issue, not at all. But it took a lot of hard work on my part. Even as I type this, more clues from the past are going "kerlunk" in my head and falling into place. She and I will never be as close as we used to be - I think she feels too guilty, and is also angry with me for her having to feel guilty.

But back to the issue - I don't hide my child. I learned not to, because it causes more misunderstandings.

At difficult child 3's correspondence school, we often have days where the kids go in to school for group lessons or festival days. That is when I meet other parents and see exactly what you're going through. There are a wide range of reasons (positive and negative) for kids being enrolled in correspondence. Some are enrolled in vocational programs (performing arts or sporting academies) where they do academic stuff in the mornings, and coaching in the afternoons. These kids are sporting/performing arts elite. Other kids have chronic health problems - chronic asthma, anxiety, wheelchair-bound, immune deficiencies. Other kids have behavioural problems, some even attend a special behaviour school (similar to Residential Treatment Center (RTC) but non-residential).
I often get talking to other parents (we have to stay in attendance but we get a lot out of these days also). And I do hear the tentative references to their child, of trying to discuss what it is about them that brings them to the school. I freely share about difficult child 3's autism and how it caused behavioural problems and academic problems, as well as the bullying he went through. By sharing, it opens floodgates. That is how I've discovered that really, it's not been so bad for us.

And there has recently been a really lovely flow-on benefit from this.
Last year, I was talking to a mother who I remembered from previous visits as an aide at a behaviour school. We shared our stories, she finally opened up about how her son was so prickly, that he would thump another kid just for looking at him sideways. Her son had become the bully. He had only got worse at the behaviour school so the mum quit her job and pulled the kid out, enrolling him as a single correspondence kid. We still had problems with her son hassling difficult child 3 and getting impatient with him. Another boy, new to the school, attended the study day where we were talking. The new boy and the bully were almost coming to blows, teachers had to intervene. I haven't seen the new boy since, he avoids coming to study days (he does live a long way away, though).
But the next study day was only a few weeks later. I was gritting my teeth ready to step in and have to intervene, but not problem. The mother came up to me. "I talked to my son about difficult child 3, we were right - he had misunderstood. He needs to learn to understand that he doesn't have to constantly defend himself, others aren't necessarily out to get him."
All that day, the other boy would seek out difficult child 3, would save a set for him, would ask him how his day was going. He saw difficult child 3 do well in a task and hi-fived him.
Ever since, whenever we've encountered this young man, he makes a point of looking for difficult child 3 to say hello to him. He treats difficult child 3 like a favourite little brother. But he also recognised that despite seeming so much younger, difficult child 3 is very bright in some areas.
THis young man is learning about himself, as he is learning about others and their differences. The secret was communication and sharing.

I do sometimes feel sad at how difficult child 3 lags behind other kids in some areas, especially socially. But I chuckle when I see him amaze people with his intellect. Yesterday his maths teacher began to teach him as if he needed remedial help, then difficult child 3 totally turned the subject on its head by sharing something complex on the topic that he had just worked out.

Hang onto the special moments. They help get you through the rough stuff.

Marg
 

KTMom91

Well-Known Member
I know. I had a similar moment not long ago. Miss KT's oldest friend Lyn stopped by. The girls met in day care when they were about 18 months old, and have stayed in touch off and on. Lyn's mom died several years ago, and her overall home life was shaky, mainly because of her mom's illness. But...she's an honor student, already been accepted at college, scholarship available, writes for the teen section of the local paper, very involved at church and with service projects...

I love my daughter, but I have to wonder what it would be like if she didn't surround herself with turmoil on a regular basis. And it makes me sad that she does.
 
Daisy,

I definitely hear you, and sometimes, I too, find myself going there. I believe it's only natural and normal to grieve for "what might have been" when we look clearly at the obstacles that our dear difficult children face in life. All parents want the very best for their children. This I know to be true.

However, I also know that no matter how positive the other parents' situations look, they all have their issues to deal with. We live in a small community and our boys have gone to small schools with small classes - the same kids from pre-K to the 12 grade. Along the way we have seen this play out. Three of our boys' classmates have died - two of Cancer and one in an automobile accident. Three children in our community were hit by cars the year that difficult child had his accident. One of them sustained a very severe traumatic brain injury. Several of their classmates have dropped out of school before graduation, sad to say. And most notably, the boy next door refused his medications, left home, and came back last year and murdered his Dad and Grandad, three days after Christmas. We never knew that his family was having any problems at all until this horrible event occurred. I still can't believe the little boy who used to play on my son's soccer team did this unbelievable thing...

I always keep this information in mind when the going gets tough at our house. Yes, we have troubles aplenty - but they are our troubles and we're finding our way through them. difficult child is one incredible dude - even if he is my son :).
 

Ropefree

Banned
Daisylover:I exspand my acceptance of what is 'normal'. We live in a condition that pretends 'normal' is 'ideal'. We have better information and awareness mostly because we are living in times when we had the facts. Once upon a time we lived in times when all we were told were based on other means of communication. The facts were there then too, they were percieved differantly. What I feel is better for me now is having enough information so that I may know, accept, and love what is,
and let that journey be joyful because I can. It is a gift I can share with others.
 

DaisyFace

Love me...Love me not
I wanted to say Thank You! to everyone who posted--

I didn't realize this thread would receive so many responses...but I'm glad that it did. It's nice to know that I am not alone in my weak moments!

:D

Thank you, Friends!!

--DaisyF
 
For us, we have doen a lot of that stuff her whole life many would envy. But like my 18 year old son said, it is more important that she take a year or more out of life and have a life than to risk losing it all.
My difficult child, 15 is very ill and she needs desterately to get stabilized and be treated fro her sddictions and we kept off the streets.
She has played sports since age 8, played on two JV teams for volleyball, she has sang, preformed, played muliple instruments, sked to work at Humane Society. Shfe isa very talented girl. Shfe ahs travelled all over the ocuntry. Sfhe has displayed at art shows. Right now though she needs to be in the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and get stabilized for her mood disorders and begin her recovery journey. She may well spend the majority of her teens in RTCs/group homes, etc.: time wil tell.
It is a shock when the goeals one thought were reslitic, might not be. I am involved iwth Nami and all have adult children. Not one took a typical career or academic path yet some are enjyoing stability and sharing their gifts. I hold hope and know this is possible for my daughter.
I have an 18 year old son who is very gifted. He also has ADD but he is the kind of kid it is embarrassing tko share about . I don't want pepoel to compare but they alwsys do. He was talking in paragraphs at 15 months, read on college level at age 11, is an Eagle Scout and at age 18 is in his somphomore year at college, is inovled in fencing, and martial arts, has had the same freinds since age 9.
Yet, you know what I am most produ of, and I am crying as I write this. He is the most caring sensitve guy and the most devoted kind big brother to his ill sister. He will go down and visit with her tonight while we are at Nami group. He is an assistant scout master with his scout troop.
Compassion
 
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