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I know you all willtell me the truth
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 662142" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I have not read all the replies yet, and I will go back and savor them. First, I will start here. Your primary responsibility is yourself. Nothing and no one else matters. You more than anybody knows that depression is a serious business. Your recovery is everything. You do not need to feel nor should you feel guilt about protecting yourself.</p><p>Second, the transgression is theirs not yours. The guilt is theirs to feel, not yours. Whether they can see this matters not at all. You must. You are responsible to yourself, not them.</p><p>Whose voice is that who is denouncing you? Whose voice tells you that you are selfish if you decide to protect yourself, to tell the truth about your needs and your hurts?</p><p></p><p>I want to share a story. I do not know whether it fits. I had a childhood friend. Her name is Colleen. I met her when I was 9 and she was 8. We were inseparable. Her mother was a stay at home mom. At that time my mother worked. When my Mother worked there was nobody at home. When my mother was home she wanted us out of her hair. I needed somewhere to go.</p><p></p><p>That home was a refuge for me. It was a refuge with a price. Colleen was always mean to me.</p><p></p><p>There was an accident of some sort once with the sewing machine. The old fashioned kind with a wooden case. The wood was marred. Colleen blamed me for it. She rubbed it in. I became scared. Deeply scared at the punishment I would receive from her mother who was warm, but volatile, and sometimes cruel.</p><p></p><p>I knew Colleen over a period of maybe 50 years. Our friendship occurred in waves. There was a young people phase, an early middle age phase, and a late middle age phase. In between there would be many years of separation, of no contact.</p><p></p><p>Colleen was always mean to me. I remember now, that was the reason I cut off contact in early middle age. She wanted me to return something to her, a 45 minute drive through 5 cities and over a long bridge. At that time I had a toddler son. We made the trek. When I arrived at her home, she was preparing for a pool party, preparing for the arrival of her guests. I was her oldest friend. She let me drop off the desired object and she let me leave. The idea that I stay for the party, she never mentioned. In fact, I think that might have been the purpose for demanding I return something inessential to her at exactly that time on that day. I decided then I did not need a friend such as this.</p><p></p><p>(Actually, as I read this over, I think I set the limit because of my son. A tiny boy, he would have loved that pool party. Any sense of offense, I think, to be honest was for him, not for myself.) </p><p></p><p>Fifteen years or more elapsed. I guess I had forgotten the hurt. I resumed the friendship. My situation had much changed. As did hers. Her relative advantage had disappeared. My confidence, my accomplishments, my experiences had changed to some extent how I viewed the relationship, how I felt in it.</p><p></p><p>During that time she confessed to me that she had damaged her mother's sewing machine those many years before. And taken advantage of the opportunity to blame it on me. She realized she had been cruel, and laughed about it. But had she changed? No.</p><p></p><p>The thing is, the essential dynamic between us had not changed. 50 years later it was the same. She was still cruel to me and rejecting whenever she could be. Still, she was selfish, believing herself to have the right to demand my attention and to be punitive when she did not receive it.</p><p></p><p>At that time I was living in a hotel with my son, as we were travelling back and forth to a foreign country. She left a series of messages demanding my response. I did not respond right away, I was busy. She became more and more desperate, leaving messages inquiring why, what had she done? She professed to be clueless about why I would ever choose to leave it at that.</p><p></p><p>At first I was only busy. Too busy to respond to her call right away. She became desperate and demanded that I respond as she needed as she wanted. I did not. I had become sufficiently strong to realize that I had the right to have autonomy that I did not have to obey. I was busy. She became more desperate and more demanding.</p><p></p><p>She created the opportunity for me to decide. I had autonomy. I had the right to decide when and if to respond. I never did. I never wanted to.</p><p></p><p>I would lie if I said I did not have some guilt. I did. But way bigger and stronger was my sense that I deserved more and better. And a sort of mild outrage that I had not had it within me to stop this so long ago.</p><p></p><p>Sometimes I accuse myself that I should have been stronger. And changed. I should have toughened up. Become less sensitive, more tolerant. Let things go.</p><p></p><p>Self-accusations, familiar to me, because I accuse myself in the same way for my inability to have tolerated relationships with my mother and sister.</p><p></p><p>It is not our fault, allusedup. When people treat us badly it is not our fault. It is not your fault. You did nothing wrong.</p><p></p><p>I never responded to Colleen's calls.</p><p></p><p>She called my Mother hundreds of miles away, who she had not spoken to for maybe 40 years and told her what I had done to her, the bad thing I had done, to ask her why. Why did Copa do this mean thing to me? My mother urged me to call her. I did not.</p><p></p><p>I want you to know how ludicrous this was, getting mothers involved. We were at this time well over 50, both of us.</p><p></p><p>She called my mother again. Why? What did I do to Copa? Why is she doing this to me?</p><p></p><p>I explained to my mother as best I could how it felt.</p><p></p><p>She is toxic to you it sounds like, said my Mother. How can you sustain a relationship so toxic?</p><p></p><p>I never again called Colleen. I never again wanted to. To tell the truth I did feel some guilt. But, I knew that there would be no explaining to Colleen whereby I would not be the one to be sacrificed. That was the nature of the friendship. I had learned.</p><p></p><p>Sometimes I am curious about her. After all I knew her almost before I was me. I hope I never do call her. All it would mean would be self-doubt and the sense that it was my fault and reinforce the sense that I do not deserve better.</p><p></p><p>Some of us believe we do not deserve to be treated well. It is not true. Some people take advantage of that vulnerability in us. Many do not.</p><p></p><p>I hope you learn that everything about you is a gift. You are a cherished gift. You are a cherished gift to yourself. You deserve only good. Only care. Nobody should ever hurt you. Nobody should ever hold you responsible for errors or weaknesses that are there own.</p><p></p><p>You are not responsible for that which you have not chosen. Those feelings belong to others, not you.</p><p></p><p>I am so glad you posted about this allusedup.</p><p></p><p>I agree with the others that you need boundaries. But cruel people who do not think of others, who do not care about you and may use you will never accept boundaries. They will always blame their transgressions on you. These people cannot be in our lives even if they are old friends or family because they will always hurt you. They do not want to learn.</p><p></p><p>I will now read Cedar's posts and the others. Maybe I am repeating things that were already said. Probably. But I got a chance to remember why I should never again speak to or again see Colleen. I feel a sadness because there is nobody left of that time of my life. Except me. And I am all that matters. And you too.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 662142, member: 18958"] I have not read all the replies yet, and I will go back and savor them. First, I will start here. Your primary responsibility is yourself. Nothing and no one else matters. You more than anybody knows that depression is a serious business. Your recovery is everything. You do not need to feel nor should you feel guilt about protecting yourself. Second, the transgression is theirs not yours. The guilt is theirs to feel, not yours. Whether they can see this matters not at all. You must. You are responsible to yourself, not them. Whose voice is that who is denouncing you? Whose voice tells you that you are selfish if you decide to protect yourself, to tell the truth about your needs and your hurts? I want to share a story. I do not know whether it fits. I had a childhood friend. Her name is Colleen. I met her when I was 9 and she was 8. We were inseparable. Her mother was a stay at home mom. At that time my mother worked. When my Mother worked there was nobody at home. When my mother was home she wanted us out of her hair. I needed somewhere to go. That home was a refuge for me. It was a refuge with a price. Colleen was always mean to me. There was an accident of some sort once with the sewing machine. The old fashioned kind with a wooden case. The wood was marred. Colleen blamed me for it. She rubbed it in. I became scared. Deeply scared at the punishment I would receive from her mother who was warm, but volatile, and sometimes cruel. I knew Colleen over a period of maybe 50 years. Our friendship occurred in waves. There was a young people phase, an early middle age phase, and a late middle age phase. In between there would be many years of separation, of no contact. Colleen was always mean to me. I remember now, that was the reason I cut off contact in early middle age. She wanted me to return something to her, a 45 minute drive through 5 cities and over a long bridge. At that time I had a toddler son. We made the trek. When I arrived at her home, she was preparing for a pool party, preparing for the arrival of her guests. I was her oldest friend. She let me drop off the desired object and she let me leave. The idea that I stay for the party, she never mentioned. In fact, I think that might have been the purpose for demanding I return something inessential to her at exactly that time on that day. I decided then I did not need a friend such as this. (Actually, as I read this over, I think I set the limit because of my son. A tiny boy, he would have loved that pool party. Any sense of offense, I think, to be honest was for him, not for myself.) Fifteen years or more elapsed. I guess I had forgotten the hurt. I resumed the friendship. My situation had much changed. As did hers. Her relative advantage had disappeared. My confidence, my accomplishments, my experiences had changed to some extent how I viewed the relationship, how I felt in it. During that time she confessed to me that she had damaged her mother's sewing machine those many years before. And taken advantage of the opportunity to blame it on me. She realized she had been cruel, and laughed about it. But had she changed? No. The thing is, the essential dynamic between us had not changed. 50 years later it was the same. She was still cruel to me and rejecting whenever she could be. Still, she was selfish, believing herself to have the right to demand my attention and to be punitive when she did not receive it. At that time I was living in a hotel with my son, as we were travelling back and forth to a foreign country. She left a series of messages demanding my response. I did not respond right away, I was busy. She became more and more desperate, leaving messages inquiring why, what had she done? She professed to be clueless about why I would ever choose to leave it at that. At first I was only busy. Too busy to respond to her call right away. She became desperate and demanded that I respond as she needed as she wanted. I did not. I had become sufficiently strong to realize that I had the right to have autonomy that I did not have to obey. I was busy. She became more desperate and more demanding. She created the opportunity for me to decide. I had autonomy. I had the right to decide when and if to respond. I never did. I never wanted to. I would lie if I said I did not have some guilt. I did. But way bigger and stronger was my sense that I deserved more and better. And a sort of mild outrage that I had not had it within me to stop this so long ago. Sometimes I accuse myself that I should have been stronger. And changed. I should have toughened up. Become less sensitive, more tolerant. Let things go. Self-accusations, familiar to me, because I accuse myself in the same way for my inability to have tolerated relationships with my mother and sister. It is not our fault, allusedup. When people treat us badly it is not our fault. It is not your fault. You did nothing wrong. I never responded to Colleen's calls. She called my Mother hundreds of miles away, who she had not spoken to for maybe 40 years and told her what I had done to her, the bad thing I had done, to ask her why. Why did Copa do this mean thing to me? My mother urged me to call her. I did not. I want you to know how ludicrous this was, getting mothers involved. We were at this time well over 50, both of us. She called my mother again. Why? What did I do to Copa? Why is she doing this to me? I explained to my mother as best I could how it felt. She is toxic to you it sounds like, said my Mother. How can you sustain a relationship so toxic? I never again called Colleen. I never again wanted to. To tell the truth I did feel some guilt. But, I knew that there would be no explaining to Colleen whereby I would not be the one to be sacrificed. That was the nature of the friendship. I had learned. Sometimes I am curious about her. After all I knew her almost before I was me. I hope I never do call her. All it would mean would be self-doubt and the sense that it was my fault and reinforce the sense that I do not deserve better. Some of us believe we do not deserve to be treated well. It is not true. Some people take advantage of that vulnerability in us. Many do not. I hope you learn that everything about you is a gift. You are a cherished gift. You are a cherished gift to yourself. You deserve only good. Only care. Nobody should ever hurt you. Nobody should ever hold you responsible for errors or weaknesses that are there own. You are not responsible for that which you have not chosen. Those feelings belong to others, not you. I am so glad you posted about this allusedup. I agree with the others that you need boundaries. But cruel people who do not think of others, who do not care about you and may use you will never accept boundaries. They will always blame their transgressions on you. These people cannot be in our lives even if they are old friends or family because they will always hurt you. They do not want to learn. I will now read Cedar's posts and the others. Maybe I am repeating things that were already said. Probably. But I got a chance to remember why I should never again speak to or again see Colleen. I feel a sadness because there is nobody left of that time of my life. Except me. And I am all that matters. And you too. [/QUOTE]
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