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I launched, my sibling didn't, and I think my parents need help.
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 726356" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>I completely agree that there is nothing you can do about the situation with your sibling. My only suggestion would be to not offer to do anything that your sibling usually does. If he usually drives your parent to appointments, make that something you won't do. If they call you and say that sibling cannot drive one of your parents to an appointment, tell them that you are really sorry, but you cannot help. The only exception would be if your sibling is in the hospital or is taking your other parent to an appointment somewhere else at the same time, something legitimate like that. Not an excuse like he is tired or has a cold or some other such nonsense. If he is in the hospital, or they can show you something from a doctor saying he cannot drive, that is different. </p><p></p><p>I would also suggest that you work on detachment. There is a great article on detachment at the beginning of this forum, and there some books that are really helpful. Codependent No More is a classic for a reason. I also like Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. It even has a workbook that is wonderful. You can get any of these at most of the online bookstores and in many regular bookstores also. Libraries have them too.</p><p></p><p>It is hard when it is a sibling. I know, I have a difficult sibling also. My parents spent years telling me he didn't have problems no matter what kind of evidence was in their face. When he exploded his life, my mom was incredibly shocked and my dad was saddened and surprised it was that bad. Then they blamed me for not telling them he had a problem. It was a VERY difficult time. </p><p></p><p>If you have always been the one who was expected to pick up the pieces, to be responsible and take care of things, expect to be held responsible if and when it ever comes about that your sibling needs real help. It will be your fault for not helping your parents see that your sibling was in such trouble. Even if you sat them down the day or hour before and told them that he was going to implode his life, you will still get the blame when it happens. It isn't just my family, it is a pattern in families with this sort of issue. </p><p></p><p>You might find private therapy helpful. I needed some to help deal with my parents. I finally had to realize that I was broadcasting ALL the right signals about the reality of the situation. My family was unable to receive or understand any messages or information that my brother had serious problems. Even when they said that they understood that he had a problem, they would then say "but he is doing okay and doesn't need help for the problem because it isn't a real problem". Once I accepted that none of them were ever going to make sense (I had a SUPER hard time with this!! You HAVE to make sense!!!), things were a lot easier for me.</p><p></p><p>You also might find that NAMI is helpful. This is the National Alliance on Mental Illness. They offer all sorts of resources and supports, both in person and online. </p><p></p><p>At some point, if it feels right, you might speak to your parents about the trust in their will. Ask how it is set up and if maybe it could be set up so that you and your sibling could have separate trusts. That might make your lives much easier. Only you know how that conversation would be received by your parents, and if it would be worth attempting.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 726356, member: 1233"] I completely agree that there is nothing you can do about the situation with your sibling. My only suggestion would be to not offer to do anything that your sibling usually does. If he usually drives your parent to appointments, make that something you won't do. If they call you and say that sibling cannot drive one of your parents to an appointment, tell them that you are really sorry, but you cannot help. The only exception would be if your sibling is in the hospital or is taking your other parent to an appointment somewhere else at the same time, something legitimate like that. Not an excuse like he is tired or has a cold or some other such nonsense. If he is in the hospital, or they can show you something from a doctor saying he cannot drive, that is different. I would also suggest that you work on detachment. There is a great article on detachment at the beginning of this forum, and there some books that are really helpful. Codependent No More is a classic for a reason. I also like Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. It even has a workbook that is wonderful. You can get any of these at most of the online bookstores and in many regular bookstores also. Libraries have them too. It is hard when it is a sibling. I know, I have a difficult sibling also. My parents spent years telling me he didn't have problems no matter what kind of evidence was in their face. When he exploded his life, my mom was incredibly shocked and my dad was saddened and surprised it was that bad. Then they blamed me for not telling them he had a problem. It was a VERY difficult time. If you have always been the one who was expected to pick up the pieces, to be responsible and take care of things, expect to be held responsible if and when it ever comes about that your sibling needs real help. It will be your fault for not helping your parents see that your sibling was in such trouble. Even if you sat them down the day or hour before and told them that he was going to implode his life, you will still get the blame when it happens. It isn't just my family, it is a pattern in families with this sort of issue. You might find private therapy helpful. I needed some to help deal with my parents. I finally had to realize that I was broadcasting ALL the right signals about the reality of the situation. My family was unable to receive or understand any messages or information that my brother had serious problems. Even when they said that they understood that he had a problem, they would then say "but he is doing okay and doesn't need help for the problem because it isn't a real problem". Once I accepted that none of them were ever going to make sense (I had a SUPER hard time with this!! You HAVE to make sense!!!), things were a lot easier for me. You also might find that NAMI is helpful. This is the National Alliance on Mental Illness. They offer all sorts of resources and supports, both in person and online. At some point, if it feels right, you might speak to your parents about the trust in their will. Ask how it is set up and if maybe it could be set up so that you and your sibling could have separate trusts. That might make your lives much easier. Only you know how that conversation would be received by your parents, and if it would be worth attempting. [/QUOTE]
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