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i lost my cool at school
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 12521" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Coleen, they are seriously mishandling this. He should have been permitted to eat. And making him sit in a chair, when he's agitated and hungry just doesn't seem to be appropriate or effective.</p><p></p><p>Some problems that keep happening (we've been there done that - never again) are that a kid sent home from school, who has reacted at school because they're finding it so stressful, is being rewarded by being sent home from the very place that is setting them off. This is teaching them, in such cases, to misbehave if they want to reduce their stress levels.</p><p></p><p>So we brought in a rule (at about age 6) - school work during school hours. If difficult child 3 was complaining of feeling sick, said he was too ill to go to school, or managed to convince teachers he was too ill or too out of control, then I would have him at home BUT he had to do schoolwork until the end of the school day.</p><p></p><p>The first work I'd give him was any set homework still uncomplete. Then we would move on to any work sheets I could beg from the teacher (using the motivation for the teacher as "We don't want this kid being rewarded by playing computer games in the absence of any work to do"). But since difficult child 3 had some slack-ar*e teachers who often couldn't be bothered photocopying extra work sheets, I went out and bought my own resources. Our rule was extended - if he said he felt sick he still had to work, unless he went to bed and slept. Even a fever would not get him out of working. My problem was - I could never tell when he was genuinely ill, or simply suffering from stress. We later worked out that even with stress his temperature will go up. So he learned to keep working, even when genuinely ill. Then we found - keeping him working actually calms him down. Some subjects are stressful, but overall he is calmer when he's working on task at his schoolwork.</p><p></p><p>Then we made the interesting discovery - when he had extended periods of 'ill-health' then he began to do MUCH better academically than he had been at school. I wasn't tutoring him, merely making sure he didn't sneak off to play games. But he quickly became cooperative about working and works MUCH better at home than he ever did at school.</p><p></p><p>Now he's studying at home by correspondence - he still does a full mainstream school curriculum, but he can get the workload done in fewer hours than allocated, and still do well. So I've introduced some extra work on top of what his teachers give him. And he's happy. Socially he's improved, physically he's healthier, and NO MORE PHONE CALLS FROM THE SCHOOL. Now when I have to go out to a doctor's appointment or something else I can't cancel, I don't have to dread having to cancel everything because the school has rung, yet again. I know ahead of time I have difficult child 3 with me, so we pack a schoolbag for him when we go out, and he works on the schoolwork wherever we happen to be. No turning back to collect him, no rushing around to scavenge spare worksheets, no tantrums and repercussions, no post-mortems over who hit who first - it's great.</p><p></p><p>You may never have to get that far, but the one thing that set up difficult child 3's current work ethic - "school work during school hours". I can heartily recommend it.</p><p></p><p>One important point - I'm increasingly realising that a lot of the problems such as difficult child 3's detentions, suspensions and similar were often caused either directly by staff mishandling him, or staff not supporting his needs and helping keep him safe from being bullied by other kids. In one particularly nasty case, difficult child 3 complained of being repeatedly stuck with something sharp by a bully, and the teachers not only didn't intervene, they actually sent difficult child 3 back to the classroom, unaccompanied by an adult, in the company of this child. And when difficult child 3 hit this kid the teacher advised the other mum to press charges of assault against difficult child 3. Luckily she had the sense to not do that. I didn't find that out until three years later, when the other mother told me and I put it all together from my records plus her statement to me.</p><p></p><p>Which all bears out the extreme importance of keeping your own written records, and documenting everything. Put all complaints in writing and keep copies. Send other copies to education officials up the chain of command and be prepared to continue with a complaint. Don't allow yourself to be fobbed off. They will continue this sort of mismanagement until you can insist on something better in place.</p><p></p><p>It is important to be seen to be making an effort to work with the school and support the school, but you can do this by saying, "I'm a vital member of difficult child's Learning Team. Here is a list of his problems and here is the subsequent logical extension to this - the list of what behaviours you will not be able to change. So here is my next list - the alternative management strategies, according to authority X & authority Y, as recommended by [list the staff member who gave you "The Explosive Child"]. We all have the same aim - to support this child in his learning needs, to help him adapt to the social environment of the school with a minimum of trauma for both the student and the staff and to produce, at the end of the day, a productive, happy, educated and independently-functioning individual. We are a team - we must work together. We must communicate."</p><p></p><p>Have the confidence in yourself to stand up to any patronising or bullying tactics. If they do something wrong, tell them (politely) in writing. Use a communication book - you write in it, the teacher writes in it, it provides an immediacy of communication that is vital to both school and family. The book lives in the child's schoolbag but it is adult responsibility, not the child's, to use it and put it back where it belongs. Be forgiving if the teacher vents via the book - after all, you vent here. We all do. The teacher needs to as well. But giving the teacher an outlet to vent as well as your considered feedback can reduce the impact on your child.</p><p></p><p>A suspension like this - the main message the school seems to be trying to send is to you, the parent of a difficult child. But when they know that you understand, they will focus more on the child and not punishing you as well. Suspensions will still happen, but hopefully more appropriately. They also should begin to handle him better, when they are getting more immediate and relevant feedback from you.</p><p></p><p>It's not a cure-all, some schools never learn. But if you can get it up and running, it can help.</p><p></p><p>Good luck with it all, I hope you can get some answers. And don't worry about the tantrum you threw - I hope you scared them.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 12521, member: 1991"] Coleen, they are seriously mishandling this. He should have been permitted to eat. And making him sit in a chair, when he's agitated and hungry just doesn't seem to be appropriate or effective. Some problems that keep happening (we've been there done that - never again) are that a kid sent home from school, who has reacted at school because they're finding it so stressful, is being rewarded by being sent home from the very place that is setting them off. This is teaching them, in such cases, to misbehave if they want to reduce their stress levels. So we brought in a rule (at about age 6) - school work during school hours. If difficult child 3 was complaining of feeling sick, said he was too ill to go to school, or managed to convince teachers he was too ill or too out of control, then I would have him at home BUT he had to do schoolwork until the end of the school day. The first work I'd give him was any set homework still uncomplete. Then we would move on to any work sheets I could beg from the teacher (using the motivation for the teacher as "We don't want this kid being rewarded by playing computer games in the absence of any work to do"). But since difficult child 3 had some slack-ar*e teachers who often couldn't be bothered photocopying extra work sheets, I went out and bought my own resources. Our rule was extended - if he said he felt sick he still had to work, unless he went to bed and slept. Even a fever would not get him out of working. My problem was - I could never tell when he was genuinely ill, or simply suffering from stress. We later worked out that even with stress his temperature will go up. So he learned to keep working, even when genuinely ill. Then we found - keeping him working actually calms him down. Some subjects are stressful, but overall he is calmer when he's working on task at his schoolwork. Then we made the interesting discovery - when he had extended periods of 'ill-health' then he began to do MUCH better academically than he had been at school. I wasn't tutoring him, merely making sure he didn't sneak off to play games. But he quickly became cooperative about working and works MUCH better at home than he ever did at school. Now he's studying at home by correspondence - he still does a full mainstream school curriculum, but he can get the workload done in fewer hours than allocated, and still do well. So I've introduced some extra work on top of what his teachers give him. And he's happy. Socially he's improved, physically he's healthier, and NO MORE PHONE CALLS FROM THE SCHOOL. Now when I have to go out to a doctor's appointment or something else I can't cancel, I don't have to dread having to cancel everything because the school has rung, yet again. I know ahead of time I have difficult child 3 with me, so we pack a schoolbag for him when we go out, and he works on the schoolwork wherever we happen to be. No turning back to collect him, no rushing around to scavenge spare worksheets, no tantrums and repercussions, no post-mortems over who hit who first - it's great. You may never have to get that far, but the one thing that set up difficult child 3's current work ethic - "school work during school hours". I can heartily recommend it. One important point - I'm increasingly realising that a lot of the problems such as difficult child 3's detentions, suspensions and similar were often caused either directly by staff mishandling him, or staff not supporting his needs and helping keep him safe from being bullied by other kids. In one particularly nasty case, difficult child 3 complained of being repeatedly stuck with something sharp by a bully, and the teachers not only didn't intervene, they actually sent difficult child 3 back to the classroom, unaccompanied by an adult, in the company of this child. And when difficult child 3 hit this kid the teacher advised the other mum to press charges of assault against difficult child 3. Luckily she had the sense to not do that. I didn't find that out until three years later, when the other mother told me and I put it all together from my records plus her statement to me. Which all bears out the extreme importance of keeping your own written records, and documenting everything. Put all complaints in writing and keep copies. Send other copies to education officials up the chain of command and be prepared to continue with a complaint. Don't allow yourself to be fobbed off. They will continue this sort of mismanagement until you can insist on something better in place. It is important to be seen to be making an effort to work with the school and support the school, but you can do this by saying, "I'm a vital member of difficult child's Learning Team. Here is a list of his problems and here is the subsequent logical extension to this - the list of what behaviours you will not be able to change. So here is my next list - the alternative management strategies, according to authority X & authority Y, as recommended by [list the staff member who gave you "The Explosive Child"]. We all have the same aim - to support this child in his learning needs, to help him adapt to the social environment of the school with a minimum of trauma for both the student and the staff and to produce, at the end of the day, a productive, happy, educated and independently-functioning individual. We are a team - we must work together. We must communicate." Have the confidence in yourself to stand up to any patronising or bullying tactics. If they do something wrong, tell them (politely) in writing. Use a communication book - you write in it, the teacher writes in it, it provides an immediacy of communication that is vital to both school and family. The book lives in the child's schoolbag but it is adult responsibility, not the child's, to use it and put it back where it belongs. Be forgiving if the teacher vents via the book - after all, you vent here. We all do. The teacher needs to as well. But giving the teacher an outlet to vent as well as your considered feedback can reduce the impact on your child. A suspension like this - the main message the school seems to be trying to send is to you, the parent of a difficult child. But when they know that you understand, they will focus more on the child and not punishing you as well. Suspensions will still happen, but hopefully more appropriately. They also should begin to handle him better, when they are getting more immediate and relevant feedback from you. It's not a cure-all, some schools never learn. But if you can get it up and running, it can help. Good luck with it all, I hope you can get some answers. And don't worry about the tantrum you threw - I hope you scared them. Marg [/QUOTE]
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