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I lost my temper with difficult child
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<blockquote data-quote="jbrain" data-source="post: 61411" data-attributes="member: 3450"><p>Hi KJS,</p><p>I would say he picks up on the fact that you feel guilty and uses it against you. You have made him your reason for living and that isn't healthy for either of you. I felt guilty over some things with both my difficult children and I can tell you that it wasn't til I quit acting guilty that I could be an effective parent. When you feel guilty you have a hard time saying "no", a hard time being matter of fact, just a hard time being a parent--someone else on this board explained it so well, wish I could remember what they said!</p><p></p><p>It actually is unfair to difficult child for you to depend on him for your wellbeing. That is a huge burden for him, and really, he does need to grow up and move on from you and he needs to learn how to do that. He needs a parent coming from a position of strength to be secure enough to grow up. In other words, you need to "get a life!"</p><p></p><p>Also, he is not the same person as his brother--I think your easy child was the exception rather than the rule. My easy child son didn't even want me to acknowledge his existence in public--he may have been overboard in that respect but I really think most teenage boys would not tolerate a lot of affection expressed in public. </p><p></p><p>I remember when my difficult child 1 was about 13 I took it very personally that she was so antagonistic towards me. I remember crying on the phone with her because she was so mean. Her therapist told me I had to get a grip and step up to the plate and be a parent, not this sniveling mess I had turned in to! I was in so much pain from her treatment of me. Well, when I did start acting like I had a backbone and quit letting her walk all over me she started treating me better and I sure felt better about myself.</p><p></p><p>Also, look at it this way--you say difficult child has no self-esteem and lets people use him--you are doing the same with him! You are letting him control your life and your emotions--he is in charge of your happiness--he has great power over you. You need to be a role model in how to be in charge of yourself. You can tell him not to let these kids walk all over him but you are not demonstrating it to him with your own life.</p><p></p><p>Okay, enough lecturing--please know this is all meant in the kindest of ways. I feel I have been in your position and I do know how it hurts and I feel I know how to get out of it and want the same for you!</p><p></p><p>Jane</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="jbrain, post: 61411, member: 3450"] Hi KJS, I would say he picks up on the fact that you feel guilty and uses it against you. You have made him your reason for living and that isn't healthy for either of you. I felt guilty over some things with both my difficult children and I can tell you that it wasn't til I quit acting guilty that I could be an effective parent. When you feel guilty you have a hard time saying "no", a hard time being matter of fact, just a hard time being a parent--someone else on this board explained it so well, wish I could remember what they said! It actually is unfair to difficult child for you to depend on him for your wellbeing. That is a huge burden for him, and really, he does need to grow up and move on from you and he needs to learn how to do that. He needs a parent coming from a position of strength to be secure enough to grow up. In other words, you need to "get a life!" Also, he is not the same person as his brother--I think your easy child was the exception rather than the rule. My easy child son didn't even want me to acknowledge his existence in public--he may have been overboard in that respect but I really think most teenage boys would not tolerate a lot of affection expressed in public. I remember when my difficult child 1 was about 13 I took it very personally that she was so antagonistic towards me. I remember crying on the phone with her because she was so mean. Her therapist told me I had to get a grip and step up to the plate and be a parent, not this sniveling mess I had turned in to! I was in so much pain from her treatment of me. Well, when I did start acting like I had a backbone and quit letting her walk all over me she started treating me better and I sure felt better about myself. Also, look at it this way--you say difficult child has no self-esteem and lets people use him--you are doing the same with him! You are letting him control your life and your emotions--he is in charge of your happiness--he has great power over you. You need to be a role model in how to be in charge of yourself. You can tell him not to let these kids walk all over him but you are not demonstrating it to him with your own life. Okay, enough lecturing--please know this is all meant in the kindest of ways. I feel I have been in your position and I do know how it hurts and I feel I know how to get out of it and want the same for you! Jane [/QUOTE]
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