I Love a Narcissist. Now What?

Quicksand

Active Member
Cedar! Man o man! I'm blown away by what you said!
I have to go to bed, but I want you to know that I really appreciate you.. I'm going to re-read and respond more tomorrow.
I did email her. I wrote: I've received your messages, but I didn't recieve your email. I'd like to read the email, so please re-send.
 
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Scent of Cedar *

Well-Known Member
I did email her. I wrote: I've received your messages, but I didn't recieve your email. I'd like to read the email, so please re-send.

That was perfect. A nice balance of openness and self-respect.

Were you scared to send it?

I was so scared to confront my mom about having been rude to D H. To have called her back on that was the beginning point of my self-recovery. I am fiercely glad I did that.

:O)

***

Maybe, we are falling in love with ourselves for the first time.

Copa wrote this on a thread in PE:

The mother describes her panic because she knows she herself struggles with self-love, lamenting of her own self-abuse as a young woman, and how she came to begin to care for self by modeling her loving care of her own child.


"I began to model my love for myself after the love I had for my darling daughter. I told myself encouraging, empowering, delightful things—out loud. I fed myself wholesome, delicious meals, regularly. I made sure I got plenty of rest and plenty of play. When I got cranky, I took an adult-sized time-out via meditation or a walk. I allowed myself adventures and space to be reflective and creative. I honored my imagination and tried not to take myself too seriously. If something hurt me, I said that it hurt, in real time. (And, psst, I sought help for pain that wouldn’t go away on its own.) I rose to “Good morning, beautiful” and set to “I love you” every night. I practiced mothering myself—something one can do even if you’ve never given birth."


I believe that I am not the only one who came to love myself a little bit, by loving my child.


Read more: http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/i-made-him-leave.61631/#ixzz3xsUEhwRH


Cedar
 

Quicksand

Active Member
Cedar, so you and Copa are saying, love yourself as much as we love our children? Show myself that love?
At this time, the only way I can show love to my Difficult Child is to not enable his destruction of himself. Such a huge change for me/us.
He won't speak to us. I know he's out there using.
I have to keep the issue with my mother separate from me & Difficult Child. It's a coincidence that the pot is bubbling with her now as we deal with Difficult Child's chaos, as it has been at bay for a year.
Nothing more than that.
My son accused me of being just like her, but I reject that and I know he said that because I didn't offer to pay to fix the third car we bought for him after he smashed it. When we are giving him everything, then we are so supportive and he's so lucky because most people he knows get nothing from parents or they're alcoholics etc.-if the support stream dries up, we are child abusers. ---Yet--- I did harm my children, but in a different way. I overly doted and at times gave rewards without them earning it. I didn't mean to weaken them, I meant to show them I loved them unconditionally and that they had value. The things that I didn't recieve. I'm ashamed to admit it but my own low self esteem hurt my kids. I let them walk all over me.

I was scared to send the email, but I told myself that I don't have to answer her back if I don't want to. I haven't heard back from her.
 

Quicksand

Active Member
UAW had been bad mouthed by my mother (and dad to a lesser degree) for 15 years. Told us sibs crazy stories how his wife is a whore who greeted my dad at the door wearing a negligee and always tried to sleep with my dad, drgc and my decreased grandpa (my moms dad). Total lie! How UAW is mentally ill and jealous of drgc. She went on endlessly for years about them.

Throughout this time, my brother too was being more and more obviously excluded. No phone calls for him at all, expectations for his service to my mother very, very high. (He remodeled her bathroom, fixed her roof, took care of plumbing, had his son rewire her house while she was with my sister ~ or, initially, with D H and me ~ during the Winter months. For free, of course. And then, she told him she did not want his children or grands at her house when she was not there! Though they were doing work, shoveling snow ~ you name it. Unbelievable, isn't it.)

My brother too- worked on their house and drgc' house and my sisters house. As UAW says, for a damn pizza dinner provided by drgc! All the while, drgc and my mother micro managed him and complained about any money they had to spend at Home Depot. Yes, unbelievable.

Probably, that was D H. After the work we've done here on FOO Chronicles, I can see what my D H was telling me was true. At the time Quicksand, and for such a long time afterwords, I could not see the wrong in the things my mother (or my sister) were doing.

Me either. Yet, I think my fear of any confrontation with my mother scared me into shutting up. I was complicit with my silence.


Denial is the strangest thing.

yup.


So my brother, whom I was protecting and demanding that this exclusionary baloney stop, dropped me, too!

Triangulation, a favorite tool of the narccist.


You are ten thousand times correct in standing your ground on this one. I agree that the mother expects that you will submit and come to serve her. If she is anything like my mother, she is playing a primo game that you want nothing to do with. If she is anything like my mother, she will subvert the UAW brother.

That is a frightening possibility.

We have a thread somewhere here in the Chronicles about the narcissistic mother's intent to foment alliances and petty arguments and jealousy between the sibs that persists after the mother's death.

They do this intentionally.

I know and can see this now, but when you're raised with that, it's hard to understand and I just ended up being afraid of her and always wondered what was wrong with me.
It's horrible what happened during my dads death, but the reality is - my dad died and all of the fear of her died too. A spotlight illuminated it all- her manipulation and lack of empathy. The cruelty.


It is so unbelievable a situation that even when we are in these kinds of situations, we cannot believe we see what we see or hear what we hear. Or that what is happening could possibly be what it looks like.

EXACTLY


I am very sad about the way everything is for me, and for my family ~ but knowing what I know now, I would do everything I did again in a heartbeat. I wish I'd done it sooner.

Me too.

But still, it is a hard thing, to be without your real mother and your real sibs in the world.

Especially when someone asks or the conversation turn to mothers. I just nod and smile because people just do not understand.

That helps us not to feel that somehow, we are behaving ourselves inappropriately or are secretly jealous or any of the ten thousand other things we think about, when our families of origin are dysfunctional messes.

Again, EXACTLY. I've forever questioned myself constantly. My husband is a very patient man. :D


But the choice becomes to embrace the toxicity, or to take a stand. It could be that in taking a stand, you will bring your family back together. Or, it could be that you will be actively shunned, like me.

Which is a hurtful thing.

But the more I understand the underlying dynamic, and the more I come out of denial, I think there was no other choice for me to make. Even if I had known it was going to lead to this, I would have made the same decisions. It didn't feel like a decision really. I just did the next right thing.

I understand completely. I cannot be complicit in this twisted game of hers and her useful idiots who are waiting for their pot of gold.
I just can't pretend.

I'm really pissed that your brother fell into the trap.

Cedar[/QUOTE]
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
I got totally confused with this post above. I got it that there was a conversation but do not know whose words are whose.
Cedar, so you and Copa are saying, love yourself as much as we love our children? Show myself that love?
Cedar, is it you that came up with the 51 percent rule? Somebody did, and it is a good rule. I am 51 percent. Everybody else, 49, max.

It is not healthy love if it does not come from 51, if we are talking about adults. Our kids are adults now. No longer babies.
It's a coincidence that the pot is bubbling with her now as we deal with Difficult Child's chaos, as it has been at bay for a year.
I do not believe in coincidences, with respect to our families.
I overly doted and at times gave rewards without them earning it. I didn't mean to weaken them, I meant to show them I loved them unconditionally and that they had value.
Me too. I made the same mistake. My son had special needs. I was careful to not ask to much. (I was also a single mom and working. I did not have anybody with whom to share responsibility. I did not run a tight ship. Both things were mistakes. We did the best we could. When we knew better and could do better, we did. We do.
I'm ashamed to admit it but my own low self esteem hurt my kids. I let them walk all over me.
Mine too. I did not know I had low self-esteem, but I did. I had not resolved many issues from my childhood, about my family. When things got hard with my son, I blamed myself. And then got defensive and got mad. I made myself his victim. Big mistake. Most of us did similar things as did you, QS. Forgive yourself. Please.
I haven't heard back from her.
How mean and small. Perhaps she has not checked email. Let's give her the benefit of the doubt. It is hard. Nothing in her track record speaks to the desire to act with integrity. I am sorry, QS.
Told us sibs crazy stories how his wife is a whore who greeted my dad at the door wearing a negligee and always tried to sleep with my dad, drgc and my decreased grandpa (my moms dad).
This is so horrible, QS. Do you think your family had issues about self-consciousness about social class? We are a working class family that climbed up to upper middle class. My mother married her second husband for exactly this reason.

What a bargain with the devil.

My sister and I each have professions. My sister identifies as upper class. I continued to identify as working class. My sister feels superior. To the point of contempt.

Who knows what stories she tells about me and my M.
And then, she told him she did not want his children or grands at her house when she was not there!
This is horrible. Beyond belief. Beyond the pale. Horrible. She is right up there with my sister. This is hateful.

I think it was extremely gracious to send the email. I think I might do every single thing in a unified front with UAW. I would become a conjoined twin with him. He sounds like such a wonderful person. With great integrity and humanity. It is a miracle that you were able to make yourselves such wonderful people, coming from such a family. I am sorry.

COPA
 

Scent of Cedar *

Well-Known Member
I tried to "quote" your post but obviously that didn't work!

What you do QS is highlight the phrases you wish to quote. A banner will come up that says: quote or reply

I choose reply, answer that, and go back to finish the post. Others of us quote everything as they go through the post, then add the quotes to their own posts and answer them, then.

:O)

Cedar
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
I tried to "quote" your post but obviously that didn't work!
When I read your post, Quickie, I actually figured out what the quotes were and what your answers were. Very good post, by the way :) Welcome to the Chronicles. Sounds like you have the typical markings of the devide/conquer/love/hate crazy FOO.

I have disconnected from mine emotionally. I don't even consider myself a Smith anymore (not their real name). I consider myself one of those who love me...my family of choice. I use my first husband's last name as both my maiden name and "mothers maiden name." My identity is tied up with my family of choice and, in a lesser way, my ex-husband, whose family was so kind to me and whom I still have a friendship with. But the only person in my FOO I feel in any way connected to is my father and he is very old. When he is gone, I will be totally free of any of that particular DNA. Trust me, I will miss him tons and want him HERE, but he is my only connection...the only person I know of who even speaks to or likes my remaining DNA. I plan on never speaking to the remaining DNA again for any reason. I don't want them to know about me and I don't want to know about them. And I don't know what th ey are up to these days and hope to keep it that way.

I am not one of them. They are not my people. My family of choice and few beloved friends are my people. DNA doesn't cut it for me.

Ok, ok. Rant over. Yes, quoting is not hard.
 

Quicksand

Active Member
When I read your post, Quickie, I actually figured out what the quotes were and what your answers were. Very good post, by the way :) Welcome to the Chronicles. Sounds like you have the typical markings of the devide/conquer/love/hate crazy FOO.

I have disconnected from mine emotionally. I don't even consider myself a Smith anymore (not their real name). I consider myself one of those who love me...my family of choice. I use my first husband's last name as both my maiden name and "mothers maiden name." My identity is tied up with my family of choice and, in a lesser way, my ex-husband, whose family was so kind to me and whom I still have a friendship with. But the only person in my FOO I feel in any way connected to is my father and he is very old. When he is gone, I will be totally free of any of that particular DNA. Trust me, I will miss him tons and want him HERE, but he is my only connection...the only person I know of who even speaks to or likes my remaining DNA. I plan on never speaking to the remaining DNA again for any reason. I don't want them to know about me and I don't want to know about them. And I don't know what th ey are up to these days and hope to keep it that way.

I am not one of them. They are not my people. My family of choice and few beloved friends are my people. DNA doesn't cut it for me.

Ok, ok. Rant over. Yes, quoting is not hard.
I agree. 1000%
 
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