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I Love a Narcissist. Now What?
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 666872" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Interesting. Very. So your mother felt t hat because your son ran it was his fault your fell.</p><p></p><p>It was nobodys fault, really. Why does there have to be a fault?</p><p></p><p>So...are you saying that if we get fat it reflects on them? I know my mom liked having her idea of pretty daughters. It may be the only thing she valued us for.I wonder if she took it personally or warned us we were getting "fat" because that would make us less pretty in her eyes. Of course, we weren't really fat.</p><p></p><p>What made them tick anyway? I will never understand my mother, but since she had so many borderline traits, maybe she was just a chaotic mess, just as I was until I got help to straighten out. Of course, she never got help to straighten out. This is so puzzling to me. Why did she have to have a GC? Because he was so smart and in her value system, which I definitely did not adopt, being academically intelligent was everything in a BOY. It is common in Jewish families to have this value, as you know, Copa. She worshipped those she considered smart and felt badly because she did not go to college and did not expect her daughters to necessarily go to college either. Is that because SHE didn't go? And she was a beautiful woman when dressed up so maybe she wanted us to be beautiful because she was. It is so confusing to me. I can't even relate to what she was thinking. Her way of thinking about her kids was just so different than me and my own. I mean, they are precious for what they are, rght? But not to our mothers. I wonder if brother would have been GC if he had not been a gifted student. She worshipped Vain because he was also gifted intellectually, although my grandma most certainly drove that point home to her in a hurtful way...she felt she was lacking.</p><p></p><p>I don't think we will ever really understand their minds regarding us. We were so different toward our own kids. I know that my mother taught me how NOT to mother a child and early on, before I had any kids, I decided to celebrate the good in them and let them go their own way and college was not a priority as long as they worked hard and were happy.</p><p></p><p>My mother apparently stopped thinking "girls don't need to be smart, only beautiful" after my sister had her girls as they were extremely gifted. They are also very beautiful, especiallly one of them. Then, during those long days when I did call Mother to try to make amends, I got sort of a kick out of how she did try to make me jealous by talking about how smart sister's kids are. Sure, I think that's awesome for them. Honestly, they, from what I know, are good, brilliant young women and I'm glad for them, but their intelligence did not make me feel bad. My oldest two, Bart and Goneboy were gifted, but did not do so well in school, although Goneboy really aced his professional life. When I reminded Mother that Bart was in all gifted classes she said, "Oh, you never told me that."</p><p></p><p>Um, yes I did. She didn't listen. I told her he was a very bright young man, but she didn't listen because she didn't care. He is still very bright, making a college kid salary without college. He did have some mental health challenges. So what?</p><p></p><p>At any rate, her attempt to make me feel my kids were lacking did not work and this was one area that, although she was trying to bait me especially with the way she said it, her bait did not stir any anger or jealousy or anything within me. I think my kids are the best kids ever and she could not change that. Especially in this day and age, a college degree is not such a big deal. I am proud of my super salesman Bart, my CEO Goneboy (although we are not in touch), my pastry chef who won awards Princess, my hardworking, sweet, happy, overachieving young man Sonic and my future Criminal Justice Star Jumper.</p><p></p><p>Why did my mother assume I would be jealous?For certainly she would not say it if she didn't think so. She talked about sisters girls a lot (never talking about her son...guess he was not that important to her), but I sort of had mind drifting when she did. I don't know those girls and, although I'm sure they are nice girls, they never were a part of my life, so why did she think I'd care?</p><p></p><p>Oh, yeah. She was trying to stir sibling rivalry.</p><p></p><p>That was one way it wouldn't work for me. I'm always happy when any young people do well in life and, of course, it was my mother's point of view anyway and I never trusted her words.</p><p></p><p>"You NEVER told me he was gifted."</p><p></p><p>Really? I told her as soon as he hit kindergarten, before we drifted apart, Mom and me, but she had no interest so she didn't hear.</p><p></p><p>But obviously her news blurb on sisters girls was an attempt to hurt me. Again.</p><p></p><p>Fortunately, it didn't work. I never had been jealous of them.I would never have traded my kids for hers. </p><p></p><p>My mother never got that. Ever. (Actually, the saddest part of this is how little she ever talked about sister's son, like he didn't exist, but that's her way. GC).</p><p></p><p>Our mothers all tried to hurt us by using THEIR values, not thinking that maybe we did not share them. Or am I wrong? Were your mothers different? My point is, I don't think our mothers knew us well enough to know what issues would possibly give us a tinge of jealousy. Yes, I'm capable of jealousy. We all are. But not because of academics. I never wanted to be my brother.As brilliant as he is, and I've been brainwashed to think he is the most brilliant man on earth, to me without a family his life is sad and lonely and, of course, he has his own values and my sadness for him may be a waste of time. He may not regret it one bit.</p><p></p><p>Back to why they would try to hurt us.</p><p></p><p>Because of some intristic sadness and insecurity within them.</p><p></p><p>But as a kid, we couldn't know and couldn't help. Whatever happens beyond childhood can not erase the damage done when we were children. And so we were. And so we are all three learning to let go of that childhood and those who want to hurt us still.</p><p></p><p>Cedar, check in often.</p><p></p><p>Copa, I am so pleased you are doing so well.</p><p></p><p>Hugs to both of you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 666872, member: 1550"] Interesting. Very. So your mother felt t hat because your son ran it was his fault your fell. It was nobodys fault, really. Why does there have to be a fault? So...are you saying that if we get fat it reflects on them? I know my mom liked having her idea of pretty daughters. It may be the only thing she valued us for.I wonder if she took it personally or warned us we were getting "fat" because that would make us less pretty in her eyes. Of course, we weren't really fat. What made them tick anyway? I will never understand my mother, but since she had so many borderline traits, maybe she was just a chaotic mess, just as I was until I got help to straighten out. Of course, she never got help to straighten out. This is so puzzling to me. Why did she have to have a GC? Because he was so smart and in her value system, which I definitely did not adopt, being academically intelligent was everything in a BOY. It is common in Jewish families to have this value, as you know, Copa. She worshipped those she considered smart and felt badly because she did not go to college and did not expect her daughters to necessarily go to college either. Is that because SHE didn't go? And she was a beautiful woman when dressed up so maybe she wanted us to be beautiful because she was. It is so confusing to me. I can't even relate to what she was thinking. Her way of thinking about her kids was just so different than me and my own. I mean, they are precious for what they are, rght? But not to our mothers. I wonder if brother would have been GC if he had not been a gifted student. She worshipped Vain because he was also gifted intellectually, although my grandma most certainly drove that point home to her in a hurtful way...she felt she was lacking. I don't think we will ever really understand their minds regarding us. We were so different toward our own kids. I know that my mother taught me how NOT to mother a child and early on, before I had any kids, I decided to celebrate the good in them and let them go their own way and college was not a priority as long as they worked hard and were happy. My mother apparently stopped thinking "girls don't need to be smart, only beautiful" after my sister had her girls as they were extremely gifted. They are also very beautiful, especiallly one of them. Then, during those long days when I did call Mother to try to make amends, I got sort of a kick out of how she did try to make me jealous by talking about how smart sister's kids are. Sure, I think that's awesome for them. Honestly, they, from what I know, are good, brilliant young women and I'm glad for them, but their intelligence did not make me feel bad. My oldest two, Bart and Goneboy were gifted, but did not do so well in school, although Goneboy really aced his professional life. When I reminded Mother that Bart was in all gifted classes she said, "Oh, you never told me that." Um, yes I did. She didn't listen. I told her he was a very bright young man, but she didn't listen because she didn't care. He is still very bright, making a college kid salary without college. He did have some mental health challenges. So what? At any rate, her attempt to make me feel my kids were lacking did not work and this was one area that, although she was trying to bait me especially with the way she said it, her bait did not stir any anger or jealousy or anything within me. I think my kids are the best kids ever and she could not change that. Especially in this day and age, a college degree is not such a big deal. I am proud of my super salesman Bart, my CEO Goneboy (although we are not in touch), my pastry chef who won awards Princess, my hardworking, sweet, happy, overachieving young man Sonic and my future Criminal Justice Star Jumper. Why did my mother assume I would be jealous?For certainly she would not say it if she didn't think so. She talked about sisters girls a lot (never talking about her son...guess he was not that important to her), but I sort of had mind drifting when she did. I don't know those girls and, although I'm sure they are nice girls, they never were a part of my life, so why did she think I'd care? Oh, yeah. She was trying to stir sibling rivalry. That was one way it wouldn't work for me. I'm always happy when any young people do well in life and, of course, it was my mother's point of view anyway and I never trusted her words. "You NEVER told me he was gifted." Really? I told her as soon as he hit kindergarten, before we drifted apart, Mom and me, but she had no interest so she didn't hear. But obviously her news blurb on sisters girls was an attempt to hurt me. Again. Fortunately, it didn't work. I never had been jealous of them.I would never have traded my kids for hers. My mother never got that. Ever. (Actually, the saddest part of this is how little she ever talked about sister's son, like he didn't exist, but that's her way. GC). Our mothers all tried to hurt us by using THEIR values, not thinking that maybe we did not share them. Or am I wrong? Were your mothers different? My point is, I don't think our mothers knew us well enough to know what issues would possibly give us a tinge of jealousy. Yes, I'm capable of jealousy. We all are. But not because of academics. I never wanted to be my brother.As brilliant as he is, and I've been brainwashed to think he is the most brilliant man on earth, to me without a family his life is sad and lonely and, of course, he has his own values and my sadness for him may be a waste of time. He may not regret it one bit. Back to why they would try to hurt us. Because of some intristic sadness and insecurity within them. But as a kid, we couldn't know and couldn't help. Whatever happens beyond childhood can not erase the damage done when we were children. And so we were. And so we are all three learning to let go of that childhood and those who want to hurt us still. Cedar, check in often. Copa, I am so pleased you are doing so well. Hugs to both of you. [/QUOTE]
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