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Family of Origin
I Love a Narcissist. Now What?
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 667074" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I am so sorry for the pain and powerlessness of this.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>This behavior on your mom's part was intensely cruel on so many levels. I was a nurse. I once volunteered for Hospice, and I have seen those books. While most families find them helpful and reassuring, one of their primary purposes is to open the subject everyone is afraid to open: What do we do; what happens next; how will we know when to call someone.</p><p></p><p>I am happy for you that you were able to spend that time with your father and your brother. I wish we could have been there for you as you went through it. It is so hard to see where we are taking on guilt or shame that rightfully belongs to the abusive parent. I am proud of you for staying the course. It must have been hard. My mom was so strange during and after my father's death, too.</p><p></p><p>Somehow, we think the death of a mate will bring the abusive parent to her senses. It is so offensive to understand that for our dysfunctional families, the death of the parent we love is grist for the mill.</p><p></p><p>There was no smallest hint of visible grief for my father. Lots of other things, strange occurrences, surprising pieces that didn't fit; loud crying, look at me crying that went on for years (from my sister), but no respectful, sacred space feeling to anything surrounding my father's death.</p><p></p><p>A friend told me: Dysfunctional family/dysfunctional death. I was offended at the time because I had not realized the depth of FOO dysfunction, or how it was still affecting all of us. But over time, as things got weirder and weirder between all the sibs, I would remember her words and find a measure of comfort there.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>We are learning Quicksand that the details are where we can begin unraveling the damage done us (and our sibs, too). We are learning too that when we post sometimes, we don't understand why we've included a particular detail. As we work through it, we have often found that the detail was key to healing. We are learning to see ourselves s differently now, Quicksand.</p><p></p><p>A sincere "Welcome!" to our healing and sharing and stories. We each are coming through and are naming traumatic things and healing so beautifully and I am glad you are here with us, too.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Oh, good for you!</p><p></p><p>That took courage.</p><p></p><p>Now I have to go back and see what she said.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>No, Quicksand, you did the right thing and were very courageous. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>So, she abandoned you and punished you by abandoning your father, too. For both of you, you and your father too, those hours must have been so awful. To know what was coming, and to not know how to help him <em>and to be afraid to give him the pain medicine he needed, and to know he was suffering.</em></p><p></p><p>I feel badly for you that your mother did that to you, and to your father.</p><p></p><p>I believe she anticipated your rebellion and that this was something she considered and gloated over and anticipated when she insisted your father should not have the pain medications he needed. I believe that was the game in it, for your mom. Her win may have been that attention was directed to her.</p><p></p><p>A power play.</p><p></p><p>My mom does things like that, too.</p><p></p><p>How awful for you, Quicksand.</p><p></p><p>How scary, and how badly you must have felt, and how confused.</p><p></p><p>The things our abusive parent does are so unbelievable. Serenity has given us a term for those all-encompassing feelings of wrongness that happen when we are traumatized back into the lost confusion of our childhood woundedness: emotional flashback. </p><p> </p><p>We have found it strengthening to be able to name the feeling.</p><p></p><p>I hope it helps you, too.</p><p></p><p>Emotional flashback.</p><p></p><p>After we were able to sort of pin that terrible feeling down? We realized that was the emotional flavor of most of our childhood interaction with the abusive parent. We have found that even in the times when the abusive parent was not actively abusing us, there was a post-traumatic stress kind of dread in the heart of us that she would. For myself, I believe my mom knew that about me, too.</p><p></p><p>How scared I was of her; how ashamed of myself for all of it.</p><p></p><p>You are here with us, now. We don't know how that helps each of us, to know we have safe witness now? But we each have been able to progress nicely in our healing.</p><p></p><p>Good for you that you posted in. Even to post about it takes courage.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>No way!!! This is horrible. And from a medical professional, too.</p><p></p><p>Wow.</p><p></p><p>How small I would have felt, had that happened to me.</p><p></p><p>What an arrogant boob Dr. GC must be. Do you suppose he understands his own story? In a way, this is similar to my sister walking with the Lord. Self righteous, claiming authority by association, all of it designed to establish and justify abusive, power-over thinking.</p><p></p><p>At least my sister has no professional authority. That must explain the walking with the Lord she does, then. I had not seen it that way before. Dr GC uses his medical title and training and my sister uses who she is walking around with. Both of them justifying abusive stances through a kind of ersatz authority.</p><p></p><p>Huh.</p><p></p><p>I was feeling rotten this morning because I posted in nasty ways about my FOO yesterday. Now I remember how they can cut us, and how that hurts.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Your father's care was very much your business, Quicksand. I applaud your courage in speaking up for your father. I am so sorry you were told no remembrances were to be shared. As we let go of our lives, remembering, celebrating happy times or sad ones, this phase is so important for the person whose time is coming. As a physician, your brother has to have known this.</p><p></p><p>What in the world was he thinking, he and the mother. I didn't even know your father, and I feel like crying for him and for all of you, that his death was cheapened in these terrible ways.</p><p></p><p>I hate the part about the mother locking herself in the bathroom, playing the victim, abandoning and triangulating the sibs and using the father's death to do it. Not to be disrespectful of your mother, Quicksand? But these people are really bad people, to have done these kinds of things. And your mom was a nurse. <em>She had to know what she was doing, Quicksand.</em></p><p></p><p>That's the part I never would believe, about my own FOO. They know what they are doing and they do it by choice. I just can never wrap my head around that one.</p><p></p><p>My sister must be playing the role Dr GC does. And she is not even a doctor or an anything professional at all.</p><p></p><p>She does have that thing with the Lord going on though.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p><img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Ha! Good for you and brother and sister. Your mom used her position as the mother to twist and hurt and triangulate all of you and you didn't fall for it and formed alliances with one another instead. </p><p></p><p>That must have made her crazy mad!</p><p></p><p>These people know exactly what they are doing. Because we are not like them, we can never understand how doing that to our own family could ever be a win.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I love it that you can see this.</p><p></p><p>I am sorry for your father's suffering.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>You are welcome, Quicksand. Thank you for sharing your story.</p><p></p><p>I am so pleased for you, about the brother and the sister coming together in spite of everything the mother and GC brother did to prevent that.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 667074, member: 17461"] I am so sorry for the pain and powerlessness of this. This behavior on your mom's part was intensely cruel on so many levels. I was a nurse. I once volunteered for Hospice, and I have seen those books. While most families find them helpful and reassuring, one of their primary purposes is to open the subject everyone is afraid to open: What do we do; what happens next; how will we know when to call someone. I am happy for you that you were able to spend that time with your father and your brother. I wish we could have been there for you as you went through it. It is so hard to see where we are taking on guilt or shame that rightfully belongs to the abusive parent. I am proud of you for staying the course. It must have been hard. My mom was so strange during and after my father's death, too. Somehow, we think the death of a mate will bring the abusive parent to her senses. It is so offensive to understand that for our dysfunctional families, the death of the parent we love is grist for the mill. There was no smallest hint of visible grief for my father. Lots of other things, strange occurrences, surprising pieces that didn't fit; loud crying, look at me crying that went on for years (from my sister), but no respectful, sacred space feeling to anything surrounding my father's death. A friend told me: Dysfunctional family/dysfunctional death. I was offended at the time because I had not realized the depth of FOO dysfunction, or how it was still affecting all of us. But over time, as things got weirder and weirder between all the sibs, I would remember her words and find a measure of comfort there. We are learning Quicksand that the details are where we can begin unraveling the damage done us (and our sibs, too). We are learning too that when we post sometimes, we don't understand why we've included a particular detail. As we work through it, we have often found that the detail was key to healing. We are learning to see ourselves s differently now, Quicksand. A sincere "Welcome!" to our healing and sharing and stories. We each are coming through and are naming traumatic things and healing so beautifully and I am glad you are here with us, too. :O) Oh, good for you! That took courage. Now I have to go back and see what she said. No, Quicksand, you did the right thing and were very courageous. So, she abandoned you and punished you by abandoning your father, too. For both of you, you and your father too, those hours must have been so awful. To know what was coming, and to not know how to help him [I]and to be afraid to give him the pain medicine he needed, and to know he was suffering.[/I] I feel badly for you that your mother did that to you, and to your father. I believe she anticipated your rebellion and that this was something she considered and gloated over and anticipated when she insisted your father should not have the pain medications he needed. I believe that was the game in it, for your mom. Her win may have been that attention was directed to her. A power play. My mom does things like that, too. How awful for you, Quicksand. How scary, and how badly you must have felt, and how confused. The things our abusive parent does are so unbelievable. Serenity has given us a term for those all-encompassing feelings of wrongness that happen when we are traumatized back into the lost confusion of our childhood woundedness: emotional flashback. We have found it strengthening to be able to name the feeling. I hope it helps you, too. Emotional flashback. After we were able to sort of pin that terrible feeling down? We realized that was the emotional flavor of most of our childhood interaction with the abusive parent. We have found that even in the times when the abusive parent was not actively abusing us, there was a post-traumatic stress kind of dread in the heart of us that she would. For myself, I believe my mom knew that about me, too. How scared I was of her; how ashamed of myself for all of it. You are here with us, now. We don't know how that helps each of us, to know we have safe witness now? But we each have been able to progress nicely in our healing. Good for you that you posted in. Even to post about it takes courage. No way!!! This is horrible. And from a medical professional, too. Wow. How small I would have felt, had that happened to me. What an arrogant boob Dr. GC must be. Do you suppose he understands his own story? In a way, this is similar to my sister walking with the Lord. Self righteous, claiming authority by association, all of it designed to establish and justify abusive, power-over thinking. At least my sister has no professional authority. That must explain the walking with the Lord she does, then. I had not seen it that way before. Dr GC uses his medical title and training and my sister uses who she is walking around with. Both of them justifying abusive stances through a kind of ersatz authority. Huh. I was feeling rotten this morning because I posted in nasty ways about my FOO yesterday. Now I remember how they can cut us, and how that hurts. Your father's care was very much your business, Quicksand. I applaud your courage in speaking up for your father. I am so sorry you were told no remembrances were to be shared. As we let go of our lives, remembering, celebrating happy times or sad ones, this phase is so important for the person whose time is coming. As a physician, your brother has to have known this. What in the world was he thinking, he and the mother. I didn't even know your father, and I feel like crying for him and for all of you, that his death was cheapened in these terrible ways. I hate the part about the mother locking herself in the bathroom, playing the victim, abandoning and triangulating the sibs and using the father's death to do it. Not to be disrespectful of your mother, Quicksand? But these people are really bad people, to have done these kinds of things. And your mom was a nurse. [I]She had to know what she was doing, Quicksand.[/I] That's the part I never would believe, about my own FOO. They know what they are doing and they do it by choice. I just can never wrap my head around that one. My sister must be playing the role Dr GC does. And she is not even a doctor or an anything professional at all. She does have that thing with the Lord going on though. :O) :) Ha! Good for you and brother and sister. Your mom used her position as the mother to twist and hurt and triangulate all of you and you didn't fall for it and formed alliances with one another instead. That must have made her crazy mad! These people know exactly what they are doing. Because we are not like them, we can never understand how doing that to our own family could ever be a win. I love it that you can see this. I am sorry for your father's suffering. You are welcome, Quicksand. Thank you for sharing your story. I am so pleased for you, about the brother and the sister coming together in spite of everything the mother and GC brother did to prevent that. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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