Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
I love my kids no matter how screwed up they are...
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 630213" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Hi Where, and welcome. You are getting the right advice already from the others who have posted. We know how hard it is to change your thinking and your attitude, but that is what you are going to need to start working on.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>It's clear from the tone and style of your writing that you are still thinking of your adult children as kids. When you see them in your mind's eye, you are seeing that precious three-year-old, six-year-old or young age when they were so innocent and dependent on us. The biggest problem was peanut butter and jelly or ham and cheese for lunch.</p><p></p><p>But that was a long, long time ago. Today, it's vital that we---and they---face reality. We---and they---look at what IS. We---and they---accept life on life's terms. You didn't have it easy, and they don't have it easy. That is what builds character. Dealing with life on life's terms. </p><p></p><p>People have to LEARN how to do this. Some of us learn sooner rather than later. Remember when we all thought that our kids would grow up and start taking more and more responsibility and oh, somewhere between 18 and 24 would be paying their own bills, living their own lives, living in their own homes and dealing with THEIR young families? Well, for some of us, many of us who read and write on this forum, it may have happened with one of our kids or more, but it didn't with at least one more kid. </p><p></p><p>In my son's case---difficult child---he began using drugs and he has basically stalled and his life looks like a complete failure right now. Where, I have had to LEARN how to let him go, and it's a lifelong journey. </p><p></p><p>I tried EVERYTHING first, because I can't learn from other people, evidently, my situation MUST be different, but finally, finally, even I have accepted that his life is his life, and I deserve a life myself. </p><p></p><p>So I agree with your husband. He is right. Your feelings are still your feelings, and I know how hurt and upset you are, watching two people you love very much struggle. But this isn't about feelings, Where. </p><p></p><p>This is about people having natural consequences of their own decisions. I know your son had some bad things happen, and your daughter did too. But it's what we do with what happens to us, not the fact that it does happen, that is the difference between moving forward in our lives and letting circumstances dictate our lives. </p><p></p><p>Your son and your daughter could have made many different choices than they have made. But if there is always someone who is going to step in, give them sympathy, help them out, run them up and down the street, wash their clothes, slip them some money now and then---whatever you have been doing to make yourself feel better about their situations---they will never deal with the reality of their lives. Why should they? They have you. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I used to feel this way too, about really everybody I knew who was having serious problems in their lives. "I would do anything to help a dear friend, a relative, my son." I would completely put myself aside and do anything, because after all, I'm doing fine and I'm a strong person, and well, they need me. </p><p></p><p>That was very faulty thinking on my part, Where. I used to think that thinking meant I was a very good person. I don't anymore. I know that I used to be very codependent (please read CoDependent No More by Melody Beattie---this is a must-read for people like us) and I felt good about myself when I was helping other people. Saving other people. Managing other people. Giving my great advice to other people. Well, it was clear what they OUGHT to do, right? </p><p></p><p>Wrong. I can't know what any other person in this world should do. Working on me, today, is a full time job.</p><p></p><p>Where, please spend a lot of time reading this site. There is a wealth of knowledge here. And then, assemble your toolbox and start spending dedicated time every single day working on yourself. </p><p></p><p>I promise you, in time, you will start to be a much happier person, regardless of what your son and daughter (or anybody else for that matter) do or don't do. </p><p></p><p>If you have substance abuse in your life (from a friend or relative), please start going to a 12-step program for yourself, like Al-Anon or Nar-Anon. You will make friends who get it. You will start to grow in ways you can't imagine. Your life will be much more peaceful, contented, serene. </p><p></p><p>We can't live other people's lives for them. It is a full time job to live our own lives. This doesn't mean we don't love them---we do, very much. It just means we are giving them the respect and dignity they deserve to chart their own course, whatever that might be. </p><p></p><p>Warm hugs for you. Please keep sharing. We care.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 630213, member: 17542"] Hi Where, and welcome. You are getting the right advice already from the others who have posted. We know how hard it is to change your thinking and your attitude, but that is what you are going to need to start working on. It's clear from the tone and style of your writing that you are still thinking of your adult children as kids. When you see them in your mind's eye, you are seeing that precious three-year-old, six-year-old or young age when they were so innocent and dependent on us. The biggest problem was peanut butter and jelly or ham and cheese for lunch. But that was a long, long time ago. Today, it's vital that we---and they---face reality. We---and they---look at what IS. We---and they---accept life on life's terms. You didn't have it easy, and they don't have it easy. That is what builds character. Dealing with life on life's terms. People have to LEARN how to do this. Some of us learn sooner rather than later. Remember when we all thought that our kids would grow up and start taking more and more responsibility and oh, somewhere between 18 and 24 would be paying their own bills, living their own lives, living in their own homes and dealing with THEIR young families? Well, for some of us, many of us who read and write on this forum, it may have happened with one of our kids or more, but it didn't with at least one more kid. In my son's case---difficult child---he began using drugs and he has basically stalled and his life looks like a complete failure right now. Where, I have had to LEARN how to let him go, and it's a lifelong journey. I tried EVERYTHING first, because I can't learn from other people, evidently, my situation MUST be different, but finally, finally, even I have accepted that his life is his life, and I deserve a life myself. So I agree with your husband. He is right. Your feelings are still your feelings, and I know how hurt and upset you are, watching two people you love very much struggle. But this isn't about feelings, Where. This is about people having natural consequences of their own decisions. I know your son had some bad things happen, and your daughter did too. But it's what we do with what happens to us, not the fact that it does happen, that is the difference between moving forward in our lives and letting circumstances dictate our lives. Your son and your daughter could have made many different choices than they have made. But if there is always someone who is going to step in, give them sympathy, help them out, run them up and down the street, wash their clothes, slip them some money now and then---whatever you have been doing to make yourself feel better about their situations---they will never deal with the reality of their lives. Why should they? They have you. I used to feel this way too, about really everybody I knew who was having serious problems in their lives. "I would do anything to help a dear friend, a relative, my son." I would completely put myself aside and do anything, because after all, I'm doing fine and I'm a strong person, and well, they need me. That was very faulty thinking on my part, Where. I used to think that thinking meant I was a very good person. I don't anymore. I know that I used to be very codependent (please read CoDependent No More by Melody Beattie---this is a must-read for people like us) and I felt good about myself when I was helping other people. Saving other people. Managing other people. Giving my great advice to other people. Well, it was clear what they OUGHT to do, right? Wrong. I can't know what any other person in this world should do. Working on me, today, is a full time job. Where, please spend a lot of time reading this site. There is a wealth of knowledge here. And then, assemble your toolbox and start spending dedicated time every single day working on yourself. I promise you, in time, you will start to be a much happier person, regardless of what your son and daughter (or anybody else for that matter) do or don't do. If you have substance abuse in your life (from a friend or relative), please start going to a 12-step program for yourself, like Al-Anon or Nar-Anon. You will make friends who get it. You will start to grow in ways you can't imagine. Your life will be much more peaceful, contented, serene. We can't live other people's lives for them. It is a full time job to live our own lives. This doesn't mean we don't love them---we do, very much. It just means we are giving them the respect and dignity they deserve to chart their own course, whatever that might be. Warm hugs for you. Please keep sharing. We care. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
I love my kids no matter how screwed up they are...
Top