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I love my kids no matter how screwed up they are...
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 630303" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>One more tidbit I want to share with you, a shame from my past that may have contributed to my oldest one's continuing feeling that he needs to bring every problem, no matter how small, to me and to get angry when I now tell him, "Oh, I think this is something you have to figure out yourself."</p><p></p><p>When my son was young, he was an "only" for six years. Honestly, the trouble started very young for him and I refused to believe it was his fault. It was the other kids fault that he hurt the child. It was the teacher picking on my son when he got complaints about acting out obnoxiously in school to impress the other kids (disrupting the class). And I would march off to school to give the teacher(s) a piece of my mind and even go over their heads to complain that a teacher did not like my son. I never shared THIS with the group before. It seemed too far in the past. My son could NEVER do anything wrong, yet, in my heart, I knew something was wrong because he was in therapy since age eight. I was so enmeshed with him that (and I blush here to show you how badly my life was actually just an extension of his) he kept a journal and I read it. Yes, I did. And if he had a bad day, I would cry and let him have a "mental health" day at home without telling him that I knew he was struggling. Yet back then he handled his problems without telling me, but that changed as I started to buy him things when I felt he was sad. then suddenly he told me "Sam was picking on me today." I would literally go back in time like PTSD to the days I was teased and bullied in school and freak out so badly I'd buy the kid a Nintendo game to help him feel better. Yes, I did all this. I wanted to make every day of his life happy. I didn't want him to suffer from the bullying like I had.</p><p></p><p>The thing was, he never had been bullied. If anything, he was a bully. The kids liked him because of his intelligence and how he back talked teachers and they especially LOVED how well he could steal candy for all of them. He never got caught. I didn't even know about it until recently when he told me how he was admired for his thieving skills. Once he was with a friend and the friend dared him to show his genitals to a passing car. He did it. It was his sixth grade teacher's car, not on purpose. I did make him apologize and was beside myself with embarassment...but he was not disciplined in any way and his teacher's "oh, boys will be boys" attitude didn't help either. She was the one teacher he had who actually liked him. God only knows why. He was very bright, still is, and I do think the teachers saw his potential which he never lived up to.</p><p></p><p>When he got into his teens he became a REAL problem for me and the catering came to a halt. He was tormenting his siblings and they were complaining and I think I snapped into reality. I was working on myself and my codependency and seeing that I was not a good parent, but a blind parent. That's when the trouble REALLY began with the way our relationship went. He was one mean kid. He has always been on the mean side, never a sweet little toddler. I faced it. I could not do anything but keep upt he counseling. It didn't help. To this day, he can not solve his own problems without my input, but at least since pulling back he did get a good job and supports himself. He is a decent father who accepts his responsibility because the money train was cut off from me when he was young. My ex has money, but he HATES to dish it out so his children hate to ask him for it. 36, as I call him, has asked for it and gotten it, but it wasn't given to him nicely and he would call to complain about his father who was paying the bills for his custody battle. I told him he had no right to complain...that if you are taking something from somebody else, it is up to them if they want to give it to you nicely or yell at you about it. You are only your own person when you do everything yourself.</p><p></p><p>I think I knew this kid was born different because I did not feel the same need to meddle in the lives of my other kids and they are all doing better than he is, even my autistic son. I mean, that young man tries so hard and would never abuse me or swear at me or demand things of me and he is disabled and only twenty-one.</p><p></p><p>So you see, I came from w here you are at. I had to fix this damaged, picked on son I had, only it made him worse and did not work one iota. I don't think 36 was destined to be a nice person, but maybe he would have done less illegal stuff and taken more responsibility for his actions if I hadn't run to his defense all the time when he was a child.</p><p></p><p>He is a child no more. He has threatened me and my ex so he can never live with either of us again. When he acts abusive on the phone (he lives a few states away) I gently hang up and will not answer the phone again for a few days. This is actually causing him to be nicer to me on the phone as he has a need to connect with me and I have a need to only talk to people, my own grown children included, who are nice to me, as I am to them.</p><p></p><p>So we are not so different. I just stopped the enabling and excuses when 36 was a teenager. And I'm glad I did.</p><p></p><p>It all started when I read a very good book called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie (or however you spell her name). Then I joined a twelve step group called Codapendents Anonymous and learned that it is ok and not selfish to think about yourself. At that point in time, I was allowing my ex to abuse me because he had a serious medical disorder. I felt that his illness exempted him from being kind to me. Boy, I had a lot to learn. I did learn. WE ended up divorced.</p><p></p><p>Things are so much better in my second marriage. My two kids from that marriage, including my autistic son, are doing so well. And my daughter who once did drugs and was thrown out totally straightened out and is my sunshine and best friend.</p><p></p><p>36 is doing better at least towards me since I set strict boundaries down.</p><p></p><p>I have a good twenty years left. My dad is 90 and still sharp. Hey, could be thirty years. Not going to waste those precious golden years ignoring my husband and taking care of my middle age son.</p><p></p><p>I hope you gained some camaraderie from this. I think 36 would still have major problems even if I had not stuck up for him. I mean, this kid liked to hurt other kids. He did it with a smile on his face then denied doing it even when I saw him. He was into porn very young. He is very selfish. It's in his inherited personality. But, trust me, my running to save him and excuse him just made him learn early that he is not going to be held accountable for the negative behaviors he displays and I'm sure it did NOT help him, even though I quit doing it when he was about fourteen.</p><p></p><p>Hugs to you. Hope you feel better today. We would love to have you continue joining us as we share our journies.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 630303, member: 1550"] One more tidbit I want to share with you, a shame from my past that may have contributed to my oldest one's continuing feeling that he needs to bring every problem, no matter how small, to me and to get angry when I now tell him, "Oh, I think this is something you have to figure out yourself." When my son was young, he was an "only" for six years. Honestly, the trouble started very young for him and I refused to believe it was his fault. It was the other kids fault that he hurt the child. It was the teacher picking on my son when he got complaints about acting out obnoxiously in school to impress the other kids (disrupting the class). And I would march off to school to give the teacher(s) a piece of my mind and even go over their heads to complain that a teacher did not like my son. I never shared THIS with the group before. It seemed too far in the past. My son could NEVER do anything wrong, yet, in my heart, I knew something was wrong because he was in therapy since age eight. I was so enmeshed with him that (and I blush here to show you how badly my life was actually just an extension of his) he kept a journal and I read it. Yes, I did. And if he had a bad day, I would cry and let him have a "mental health" day at home without telling him that I knew he was struggling. Yet back then he handled his problems without telling me, but that changed as I started to buy him things when I felt he was sad. then suddenly he told me "Sam was picking on me today." I would literally go back in time like PTSD to the days I was teased and bullied in school and freak out so badly I'd buy the kid a Nintendo game to help him feel better. Yes, I did all this. I wanted to make every day of his life happy. I didn't want him to suffer from the bullying like I had. The thing was, he never had been bullied. If anything, he was a bully. The kids liked him because of his intelligence and how he back talked teachers and they especially LOVED how well he could steal candy for all of them. He never got caught. I didn't even know about it until recently when he told me how he was admired for his thieving skills. Once he was with a friend and the friend dared him to show his genitals to a passing car. He did it. It was his sixth grade teacher's car, not on purpose. I did make him apologize and was beside myself with embarassment...but he was not disciplined in any way and his teacher's "oh, boys will be boys" attitude didn't help either. She was the one teacher he had who actually liked him. God only knows why. He was very bright, still is, and I do think the teachers saw his potential which he never lived up to. When he got into his teens he became a REAL problem for me and the catering came to a halt. He was tormenting his siblings and they were complaining and I think I snapped into reality. I was working on myself and my codependency and seeing that I was not a good parent, but a blind parent. That's when the trouble REALLY began with the way our relationship went. He was one mean kid. He has always been on the mean side, never a sweet little toddler. I faced it. I could not do anything but keep upt he counseling. It didn't help. To this day, he can not solve his own problems without my input, but at least since pulling back he did get a good job and supports himself. He is a decent father who accepts his responsibility because the money train was cut off from me when he was young. My ex has money, but he HATES to dish it out so his children hate to ask him for it. 36, as I call him, has asked for it and gotten it, but it wasn't given to him nicely and he would call to complain about his father who was paying the bills for his custody battle. I told him he had no right to complain...that if you are taking something from somebody else, it is up to them if they want to give it to you nicely or yell at you about it. You are only your own person when you do everything yourself. I think I knew this kid was born different because I did not feel the same need to meddle in the lives of my other kids and they are all doing better than he is, even my autistic son. I mean, that young man tries so hard and would never abuse me or swear at me or demand things of me and he is disabled and only twenty-one. So you see, I came from w here you are at. I had to fix this damaged, picked on son I had, only it made him worse and did not work one iota. I don't think 36 was destined to be a nice person, but maybe he would have done less illegal stuff and taken more responsibility for his actions if I hadn't run to his defense all the time when he was a child. He is a child no more. He has threatened me and my ex so he can never live with either of us again. When he acts abusive on the phone (he lives a few states away) I gently hang up and will not answer the phone again for a few days. This is actually causing him to be nicer to me on the phone as he has a need to connect with me and I have a need to only talk to people, my own grown children included, who are nice to me, as I am to them. So we are not so different. I just stopped the enabling and excuses when 36 was a teenager. And I'm glad I did. It all started when I read a very good book called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie (or however you spell her name). Then I joined a twelve step group called Codapendents Anonymous and learned that it is ok and not selfish to think about yourself. At that point in time, I was allowing my ex to abuse me because he had a serious medical disorder. I felt that his illness exempted him from being kind to me. Boy, I had a lot to learn. I did learn. WE ended up divorced. Things are so much better in my second marriage. My two kids from that marriage, including my autistic son, are doing so well. And my daughter who once did drugs and was thrown out totally straightened out and is my sunshine and best friend. 36 is doing better at least towards me since I set strict boundaries down. I have a good twenty years left. My dad is 90 and still sharp. Hey, could be thirty years. Not going to waste those precious golden years ignoring my husband and taking care of my middle age son. I hope you gained some camaraderie from this. I think 36 would still have major problems even if I had not stuck up for him. I mean, this kid liked to hurt other kids. He did it with a smile on his face then denied doing it even when I saw him. He was into porn very young. He is very selfish. It's in his inherited personality. But, trust me, my running to save him and excuse him just made him learn early that he is not going to be held accountable for the negative behaviors he displays and I'm sure it did NOT help him, even though I quit doing it when he was about fourteen. Hugs to you. Hope you feel better today. We would love to have you continue joining us as we share our journies. [/QUOTE]
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