I"m so tired

[Prima]

I just couldn't take it anymore when she came home under the influence, of I don't know what (she claimed it was a little pot), I wouldn't know because I'm not experienced with the addict lifestyle (my husband and I don't drink or smoke anything). She didn't smell like alcohol or pot but was clearly under the influence heavy duty that she could barely stand yet managed to punch a hole in the wall that her knuckles were bleeding so I asked her to leave or I'm calling the cops.

I was very afraid for my safety that she would kill me to steal from my purse. She has stolen before while we have been at work, missing jewelry, cash, computer, etc. and I got fed up with the lies and bs since she started at this nightmare at the tender age of 13. I devoted myself to raising her, no men in the house, didn't remarry until she was almost 18 and tried all types of individual therapy, family therapy, inpatient rehab, outpatient treatment, everything I could think of and could get my hands one but enough is enough, she is not interested.

Things have become so bad that the family pet started having inappropriate tinkle issues and the vet said healthwise there is nothing wrong with him. Even my husband who is the more mild mannered type has been having the nightmares and he's the type not to complain. All this drama is making for a ticking time bomb.

Today she called me to say if she can just get $20 today because she is going into rehab on Monday (yeah right). All week she has been calling asking for money and getting very nasty using curse words and yelling because I have told her no money, no help and nothing more from us unless she is going into recovery. I told her I can't keep seeing her like this, she is my beautiful girl but is killing herself slowly and I can't keep hanging on for the ride to hell with her anymore. I have been crying and my nerves are on edge, all I can do is pray that she goes into rehab and continue to go through the motions of living day to day. I'm so tired.

 

[AmericanGirl]

Hi Tracey,

I am so sorry your circumstances are what they are. You will find a number of parents here who understand as we have lived or are living through similar situations.

How old is your daughter? Any diagnoses for her?

Keep posting!

 

[Calamity Jane]

It sounds like your daughter is over 18. Is she going to school and/or working? The stealing thing is upsetting because once they cross that boundary, they will usually not stop unless involved with the law. It seems like you've done all the right things that you could possibly do, with the therapy, treatment, etc., you've been more than dedicated; now you have tough choices and she has tough decisions none of us expected to make. Keep strong for your own sake and your husband's. Are you and your husband going to therapy, or to meetings? It may help you put things in perspective.

 

[buddy]

Hi Tracey, this is not my parenting area but I wanted to welcome you. Also wanted to reassure you that you have found kindred spirits here. I am daily impressed by the strength and wisdom of parents here-- some of them have survived addiction and many have children who have been in your shoes and/or are currently walking that walk. It sounds like you are at a point of decision making. Showing her how to live a healthy life yourself. That must certainly be a very very difficult time. Blessings to you and your daughter.

 

[toughlovin]

Hi Tracey,

Oh it really is exhausting isn't it. I so feel for you and so know from experience where you are at. Sounds like you have done loads to try and help your daughter and are now at the point where you are willing to let her go and find help for herself. It is a tough place to be but also an important place I think to get to.

I have recently been in a very similar situation. My son, aged 20, is now in rehab. He was in another state... that he originally went to for rehab...and we finally cut off all financial support. We had been paying rent for sober houses that he kept getting kicked out of... we finally told him no more. The only think we will help you with is getting treatment. It took a few days but I think being homeless and hungry got very old very fast and he finally checked himself into rehab. I have no idea if this time will click or not..... but it is all I can do at this point.

So you have come to the right place. Several of us here who have been through what you are going through and really understand.

If you haven't already I suggest finding a good parents alanon meeting to go to.... that has been a huge help to me.

TL

 

[Nancy]

Welcome Tracey. I am so sorry you are hurting so. This us a crucial time for difficult child. Hopefully she will go to rehab but in the meantime its horrible to watch.

I couldn't eat and my stomach was in knits all the time when difficult child was living here. Our dog ran and hid under the bed when she started raging. My easy child developed anxiety which she is still on medication for. The fallout on the rest if the family from our difficult children is tremendous.

Finally now I am starting to relax and although I still panic when she calls u am not living in constant crisis mode

Nancy

 

[recoveringenabler]

Hi Tracey---welcome, I'm so sorry for your pain and suffering. I have not walked in your shoes, but many here have and will give you wonderful support. I just wanted to say I'm glad you found this site and to please keep coming back, it helps. As someone else mentioned, it would be helpful for you to get support for yourself, you've done all the right things for your difficult child, and you are at a point of detaching even further. For that, I believe we need a lot of support because it goes so against our nature as parents. I't been the hardest thing I've ever had to do, and yet it's the only option left. Hugs to you. God bless you.

 

[DDD]

Just wanted to add my welcome. Glad you found us but sorry you had to seek us out. Although we all share the "stress" of going through the s.a. impact, I completely and totally understand the "I'm so tired." It is exhausting and sometimes we don't even realize that we've depleted our own physical and mental health by giving our all to our difficult children. Hugs DDD

 

[Calamity Jane]

Tracey,
I just re-read your post. If you are actually afraid for your safety and it doesn't seem like she is currently living with you, perhaps you should get a home security system, and put it on every night. Our son used to have the key code pin number to our garage entrance, and he used to come in with his slimy friends in the middle of the night while we were sleeping and steal booze, etc. We got an alarm, took out the batteries in the garage pin pad, and that was the end of that. If husband is having nightmares and the poor dog is having tinkling issues, and you're crying all the time, somebody needs an intervention. You take care and stay safe.

 

[exhausted]

Hello Tracey and welcome. There is nothing more exhausting than having an out of control child. Like you I have done everything I can. I am now about 2 months into attending Family Anon meetings. I really needed it for me. I also go to some NAMI meetings once in awhile as my child is mentally ill as well. While nothing stops the pain, I know I am not alone, I know what I can and can't control, and I can get the feelings out and not let them make me sick. Everyone in my house is suffering in some way. We are on pins and needles all the time. My daughter is a minor so she is home and has to be until 18 (6 months and counting). I agree with protecting yourself and home as much as possible. Keep us posted.

 

[Signorina]

Hi Tracey. I know how you feel. I am glad you found us yet I am sorry you had to. Please know there is strength in numbers and solace in being with people (even in virtual cyber space) who understand.

If you are afraid for your safety, please get an alarm system and a lock for your bedroom door. And change the house locks. I too have been afraid for my safety - even though AFAIK my difficult child has not stolen from us and is not violent. It's the fact that he is unpredictable, under the influence and no longer resembles the sweet boy we raised. I feel much better when the alarm is on. And since he has moved 4 hours away, the tension is less when I know he is not in town. Sad, but true.

Please keep posting - get to know us - let us know you are OK.

{{hugs}}

 

[Tiredof33]

So very sorry you are living this nightmare! My son also started at a very early age, younger than yours. I was a single parent and no support from the father emotionally or financially.I also did not date much because I knew no man was going to put up with what was going on in my house. Mine is now 33 and I thought this was in the past but he started all over again.

Mine was in program after program and he loved the negative attention! He stole from me and helped his friends steal from me. I was told that I could not legally lock him out until he was 18. By some miracle he did stay out after I made him move out, but the thefts continued. He stole my keys and gave them to his new friends and they stole my car. The police called me and told me I had a big problem at home and I needed to get him under control. DUH, that was the understatement of the year.

I am retired now and I have moved to another state and for 12 years have been married to a wonderful supportive man. My difficult child quit his job to go to school full time (who is going to support you???) and I had to call the police to get the 37yo girlie to stop harrassing me. The mother (they lived with her) told me they were out all night partying a lot, fight a lot, and he threatens to kill himself and cuts himself. Breaks his glasses and cell phone. I had no idea all of this was going on.

He was doing well for a year and then he conned me into giving him money, he said he was homeless and I was trying to help him finish the semester. He was making very good grades and I don't know how as much as they partied. The con went of for several months until I called the police and the truth came out.

I am so p***** at myself for fallling for this again, but I really thought it was in the past. She was in detox and he Baker Acted himself into the hospital. Now he really may be homeless, jobless, girlie has cut off all ties with friends. I pray this is rock bottom, I don't know how much lower he can go. I am so lucky there are no children involved, but I still feel as though my heart has been torn open one more time. But I am stronger now and it is his life his choices. plus not being around him helps. He is sending emails asking for money and I just igore him.

We all on this forum have such sad stories you will cry just reading them. The hopes and the heartbreaks these difficult children bring are hell on earth. Regardless what they do or have done, they are our children and we love unconditionally.

Stay strong and post often, start reading books, get counseling, get a hobby, exercise, try to stay sane. I pray daily for us all and to show us the way to help ourselves, they have to find their own way, but I pray from them too.

You deserve a life too! This is a good book to start with.
https://web.archive.org/web/2012010...hange.com/relationships/letgo/book-intro.html

(((blessings to you and yours)))

 

[rejectedmom]

Hello Tracey, welcome I am one of the many who does understand what you are going through. Having been seriously hurt by my difficult child#2 while he was high, I have to agree with those that recommend you take precautions to protect yourself and your possessions. AlAnon is a good source for info and support in real time. NAMI and Families Annonomous are also good groups to look into.

 

[pinevalley]

Hi Tracey, Welcome to this board. Many of us here have been exactly where you are now, and we understand your pain and worry. How old is your daughter? If she is 18 she is legally an adult and she does not have any right to live at your house with you. I have an 18 year old son who uses drugs every day, but he was not ready to accept that this was a problem for him so he refused to go to rehab. He also stole from our house and some of his friends homes in order to get money for drugs. My h and I had to take a hard stand with our son, because we could not have him live in our home if he was going to use drugs and steal from us. I did everything that I could to try to convince my difficult child that he needed to get help for his addiction, but he was not ready to accept that he had a problem. Unfortunately he continued to steal until he was arrested for theft. Now our difficult child is in jail, and for the first time in a long time he is not using drugs because he is locked up. Our difficult child had a chance to be in a rehab program, but he refused to go so now he is in jail.
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You have done everything that you could to help your daughter, but she has refused all your help. Please keep posting here, and try to take care of yourself. We are here to offer you support and understanding.

 

[Prima]

Thank you all for your words of encouragement and support. Spent all morning yesterday getting her situated into rehab (she finally chose to go), only to have her call around 4pm to say that she left, it wasn't for her, the people there were drug addicts. I tried to convince her that it would not be easy getting her life back but staying in rehab was a start and this was a part of her journey but she refused. I told her there is left for me to do for her, we are done and that I love her and keep her in my prayers. I'm so upset and have been unable to sleep and was awake most of the night crying. This was my last hope for her recovery and now feel she is headed closer to death.

 

[toughlovin]

Tracy,

I will be thinking of you. This is an especially hard time for you but hang tough......stick to what you said about not helping her. This is the crucial time for her to realize that in fact she does need rehab that she has no where else to turn.... a few nights homeless and hungry may change her mind. I know how frightening this is, having just been there a couple of weeks ago myself....The terrible reality is if she is determined to stay on this path and use drugs you can't prevent her from dying.... we can't save our children they really have to be willing to save themselves. She is not there yet but hopefully in a few days with the hard reality of you not helping her she will be ready for help. Let her be and wait it out.... and please take care of yourself in the process because it is excrutiating.

Hugs,

TL

 

[Prima]

She decided to go to another facility and was accepted, she is now 1 day clean. I'm hopeful and will try to focus on myself. Maybe now I can finally get a good night's sleep for a change, knowing that she is safe and being taken care of.

I want to thank all of you from the bottom of my heart for your words of encouragement and prayers and hope that I can make a difference in your lives as well someday.

 

[AmericanGirl]

Tracey,

That is wonderful!!! One day at a time...

Hopefully, you can take this time to nurture yourself. Please let us know how everything is going.

 

[Signorina]

Tracey-that is GOOD news! Please keep us updated.

 

[Nancy]

Oh that is good news Tracey. Get some rest while you can and keep us posted. She has taken the first step. It's a bumpy road but it is so worth it in the end.

Nancy