i made a mistake with difficult child

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Jena, Dec 11, 2008.

  1. Jena

    Jena New Member

    good morning,

    where is everyone?? boards are slow a bit lately. I guess we are all in the crazy mist of the holidays!! LOL......

    So, I made a mistake with my little difficult child, and it hit me last night. I had a few mos. ago registered difficult child into a theatre group. They were putting a production on in january, a play. difficult child always showed such interest in live theatre, i've taken her to a few shows and she loved it.

    So, it was one of the things i implemented with the medications, therapy, etc. etc. i figured it would create a outlet for her. I think to some extent she has enjoyed it, the practice, the experience of it, etc. she hasn't made any friends granted, she just sits quietly in the corner, and 've noticed as of late how her skin seems to crawl.

    well, i was just plain stupid. What was i thinking reaching that far with a child with whom has serious issues and who is currently taking medication putting that much on her?? crazy me.

    So, she's been cycling lately even on medication, we've had to increase, etc. than last night she finally caved and said mom i just can't do it, i can't get up on a stage in a huge theatre (it seats 1,000 ppl) and speak my lines, and do all that and you will be so far away in the audience. yet i've told the new friend i made that i'll be in the play and dad and grandma and i feel like a failure now.

    so, i made a mistake. i should of started her with a low key dance class if any. yet i went too far. so, now i gave her another issue to handle. I was pretty upset with myself last night for not really thinking and being realistic. Yet i have to get past that part of it and help her thru how she's feeling about it. I dont want this to trigger a depressive episode.

    i told her how proud i was that she went to the practice's, how she went into the room feeling uncomfortable and not knowing anyone and how she did so well with it all. yet she cried alot. she said i should of known myself better, i knew i wouldn't be able to do this. i said no, i should of known better it's all my fault.

    so, i have to go to the dance school today adn talk to them. their going to be upset she tried out for the part. i have to see if they can get another girl now so last minute their going to be very very upset. yet difficult child comes first. i wanted to try to enroll her, my exdh is paying so i wanted to see if i could just get her into a dance class quickly there.

    i'm just kinda confused and not really sure how to handle this without setting her off.

    any ideas???

    i did give her options of me asking producer if i could go back stage the day of the play to be there for her.

    i pushed how proud i was of her for going to it, etc. etc. and how she can just tell her friends that she changed her mind and doesn't want to be in the play.
  2. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    Is there any way of getting the theatre folks to work through her anxiety and go through with the performance? This can't be the first time this theatre company has dealt with a child with stage fright. I recommend going to the theatre folks, presenting the problem matter-of-factly and asking them for help in solving it.
  3. ML

    ML Guest

    First of all PLEASE stop beating up on yourself. We have to keep trying to engage them in these things because it is our job as parents to encourage them to reach their potential. So maybe the bar was too high this time but I bet she's learned enough skills that next time maybe she will be ready. You did good.

    I have a similar fear with manster. I put him in swimming. It's a recreational team which means they aren't huge on the competition part but they *do* compete with having races. So I'm taking a risk here but because he needs the regular exercise so much, plus he's taking it with his best girl pal, maybe just maybe he'll benefit. But if he comes to me in tears and I've pushed him too far I'll try to handle it the right way.

    I am sorry I haven't had time to post more but I do come here every day and read and try to post as much as I can. Weekends are my catchup time. Love xo ML
  4. Jena

    Jena New Member

    Smallworld. - thanks for the idea, i did just that two weeks ago, I even spoke to them when i registered her and gave them the lowdown also medication info for side effects, etc recently. they require it. This particular dance school is very new to performances, they have only put on 2 plays before. When I spoke to the producer he was like oh, don't worry about it she'll be fine. There will be other mom's in the back during the performance. People just really don't get it. I said no, your not understanding you could truly have a situation on your hands with her. When she has a panic attack she won't let anyone touch her. His response oh, my friends have anxiety i know how to handle it.

    Than I said to him, ok I need to get access to the theatre prior to this performance or the one dress rehearsal there. I said who do you think I could contact, I'll work on it on my own. He said oh, no way sorry your outta luck! Infront of difficult child.
  5. Jena

    Jena New Member

    ML sorry i missed you there. I"m not beating myself up, i'm just being realistic. It's ok, it's a learning process for all of us. I'm not perfect. I just want to help her understand that she is not a failure and that she is amazing for coming this far. Yet it was a bad choice on my part. It's important I recognize and own that, so that next time I will be more mindful when making choices for her.

    I hope that manster does well on the swim team. Swimming is a great sport, good exercise i hope it enables him to make a few new friends also. :)
  6. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    Jen, I think I'd still work with the company to try to make it work. Tell the director what difficult child said to you last nigtht and ask if you can be backstage for her. Try to find a way to make this a success for her. It's very important.
  7. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I agree. Don't let her give up. She can work through it and come out with valuable experiences that she can always look back to when she feels like she can't do it. She may also learn some new tools to help her through these tough times.
  8. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Jennifer - I think before you switch her into a dance class you should take your time to find out about a replacement class that is approproate for difficult child...and then make the transition as easy as possible. Stopping one thing and starting another in a short time frame could also cause anxiety, so beware of that.

    In regards to the theatre people, go with your gut. If you feel that they are not accomodating enough or passing off difficult child's anxiety as a normal case of stage fright, you either have to be more clear or just tell them flat out, "Sorry, but difficult child simply cannot do this. I will take the blame in that I obviously have not impressed upon you the real possibility of a full blown panic attack that could possibly ruin the play. Since that is the case, I think it's best if you find someone to replace difficult child."

    on the other hand, I do really like what SW said about finding a job for difficult child working backstage - that way she can still be a part of the production without having to stand on stage. Perhaps she can help change sets or work with the lighting people. Something simple, but important.
  9. Jena

    Jena New Member

    Smallworld - I offered that to difficult child last night and she said no, it's embarrassing that you always need to be near me and that I require it. She has paranoia also. Yea, I really put us into a bind here. I've done all the talking, and the theatre group ppl won't do anything. I do think that the reason she's been manic the past two weeks a combo of holidays, teacher and this play. I'm nervous also that if I can't get her up there it'll set her into a depressive state like last year. Yet on the other hand i'm afraid if i push her she's going to be sleepless for the next mos. and a anxiety ridden mess. That isn't good either. In class lately shes ticking all over the place, she's withdrawn, etc. that's kinda how she's been all along yet it's getting worse now.

    Jo- Small meant for me to go back stage with her. Sheesh i'm smarter than this, lol. what was i thinking putting this pressure on her. Wow.
  10. Jena

    Jena New Member

    Busy thanks, sorry missed yours. She hasnt' learned enough yet, we are really trying with the coping skills. Yet she relys so much on her medications to "fix" her. She manages to self talk her day in school. So, i guess I could keep on pushing, do like i would with easy child and say you can do this, we don't give up, etc. and just have her sleepless for the next mos. and anxiety keep growing?? I'm outta ideas on this one.
  11. Rotsne

    Rotsne Banned

    Well, my daughter is home today, while her class performs the play.

    From the very start I have made the teacher understand that if she wants to put stress on her by giving her leading roles or something like that, she better have a reserve ready, because with her not comfortable by standing in front of a crowd, I will pull her if there should be problems.

    We are working class people (In Denmark we have social classes) and for us it is not considered good manner to promote ourselves. We are workers and our primare goal in life is to serve without people notice us. Kids with from higher classes with better social heritage should be considered for such roles before us.

    Well, she was given a lead role and did not understand how to decline the request (She didn't apply for the role in the first place) because she was afraid to disappoint the teacher. We were not sure if she could manage the task and asked more than 1,000 times if she was totally sure because we were concerned that she could ask for too much of herself. As the premiere became closer we could see her health decline. Last night it was really bad, so I pulled her by stating that she was sick.

    Our family coach which knows our social background agree with us. She also believe that our daughter can not grow up being a quiet faithful worker if she are encourged to follow unrealistic dreams about her future.

    Right now here in Denmark at lot of young adults gets exams they cannot afford to use, because without proper finance from their home they take loans and work hard to get an good education but an education that comes with a burden of loans, which would send them out on the street once they have to start to pay it back. So they have to stay on welfare or low paying job - basically having a McJob career - so they can protect themselves against the creditors. We won't have that for our daughter.

    Second of all singing and dancing is not a part of my religion. I belong to the evangelical branch of the Danish state church where we are not dancing around the Christmas tree and listening to music on the radio. So I couldn't support her into participating even if she didn't have the problem.

    She is very happy about my choice. Sometimes teenagers need an adult to step in and do the hard decisions for them. In fact many times they expect us to intervene without being able to express it verbally.

    I don't think that you should care what the other people thinks. The welfare of your children must be your first priority. Good luck with your choice.
  12. eekysign

    eekysign New Member

    Really? I've known quite a few kids from Denmark, and I've never heard anyone comment on this. All of their parents encouraged their kids to follow their dreams, and although their families were "working class", their kids ended up with good educations and good jobs. Are you from a rural area or something like that, where there just aren't any opportunities? That's the saddest thing I've ever heard......I really feel for you and your kids! :(
  13. Jena

    Jena New Member

    wow this opens up a whole other conversation altogether!!

    well as far as difficult child goes there are some transitions this jan. for her. the play for one which now she's desperately looking to get out of. She finally stopped bouncing last night once I told her it's ok i am still proud of you if we cant' figure out a way together to make this work for you. She fell off around 1 a.m. i'm beginning work in jan. i'm also throwing her into babysitting with previous sitter in jan. a few days here and there while i'm training. hmm should be interesting. I am going to give it one more try with the co. to see if we can make some provisions so difficult child can handle this. i'm going later today.

    Rotsne - hi, welcome i dont' think i've seen you before. I"m saddened to hear how your society functions, and was unaware of this as well. As far as my difficult child is concerned she is not a teenager, she is only 9 right now. So, although I agree that sometimes they need to have us step in and make decision for them, it is also important to push them to an extent so they can reach their full potential. Yet determining where that fine line is drawn between pushing too hard and not is hard to see at times.

    Regardless of your religion whatever that may be, life comes with options and opportunities and enjoyment. Singing and dancing is simply an expression of ones self and often many can derive great pleasure from expressing themselves that way, yet I respect your point in regards to your beliefs. I think we try to stay away from religious issues here to an extent. Mod's correct me if i'm wrong.

    It is the same here in the u.s. right now, our economy is suffering as with many other countries i'm quite sure. Our children suffer similar dilemna's in regards to student loans, and than ofcourse struggling to pay them off, and as of late I have heard of many young adults, not just difficult child's staying home longer to achieve being able to complete their educations, begin paying off their loans, and surviving it alone out in the world. Unrealistic dreams I am not sure I agree with that one. I think that given the right time and situation and determination anyone can do anything they so dream. Yet I do not know if my own difficult child is ready for this challenge just yet, it may be too soon. Regarding your difficult child i am glad that you made the right choice for her and that she is pleased by that choice. difficult child being happy at the end of the day is what's most important.

    Thanks for your words and also for sharing. :) and welcome again.
  14. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Jennifer, sorry I'm so late to this.
    I can see there are differences between your difficult child and mine, but I generally have my difficult child continue on his path unless he really, really, really makes a big deal out of it. The 4th and 5th gr classes just put on a holiday show for the parents, and he "had" to go through with-it. Luckily, he is tall, so the teacher put him in the back row where it was hard to see him. It was actually pretty funny--it was almost like he was a doll and someone was forcing his arms and legs to move in rhythm with-everyone else's. He absolutely hated it, but he was right next to another tall kid, who is a friend, and they supported one another.

    on the other hand, I did pull him out of guitar class, because he would have been one of only 5 kids on stage and everyone would have had their eyes on him. If he'd have missed one beat, everyone would have known it ... and he would have been mortified. In that sense, there is safety in numbers.

    I like the idea that you could go backstage and be a support for your daughter. I would try to follow through with-the performance, talk to the director, up your daughter's medications on the day of the performance, and, as you pointed out, "it is also important to push them to an extent so they can reach their full potential."

    If she only has a cpl lines, it would probably work out. This isn't a lead role, right?

    How much time do you have to decide?
  15. Jena

    Jena New Member


    difficult child had a christmas show two nites ago as well, and we did same as you guys did. lol. she is very tall and she went in the backrow and was between her two friends. she still panicked, her mouth went totally dry like cotton and she wasn't able to sing but she pretended!! :) improv good on her part.

    i could see your point with-the guitar thing, that was a good call. I have to decide by today. her practice is at 5 today. This thing has her freaking out for lack of better words. I sincerely think this is what's making her cycle right now. hands down. she's been pulling 1 to 3 a.m.'s the past week and a half i think it is now. it's really eating up bigtime.

    i feel that i set her up to fail on this one. yet right now i have to focus on how to get her thru it and if she can really handle it. she's going to be on stage ALOT!!! she's in all the scenes and it's 2 hours long. She's already saying what if i pee myself on stage, what if i vomit on stage, you'll be too far away from me, the theatre is too big. I dont' want to feel the way I feel when I get anxious. I'Tourette's Syndrome just not worth it for me mom.

    who knows............
  16. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Oh. Poor thing.

    difficult child threatened to throw up in my car the other day so he could get out of being in In-School-Suspension. He said I'd spend so much time cleaning up the car, I would think it wasn't worth it. I almost pointed out that it would be more expedient for him to merely shake his Sprite, take off the lid and spray it all over the car, but decided not to help him out on that one, LOL!

    I do not envy you. Best of luck.
  17. lillians

    lillians lillians

    as every one agrees ,, ahh well another mistake,, how many do we all make in the name of trying and loving ,, everyone will get over it and yu and child will rejoice at the new found understanding between you,, hugs
  18. Wishing

    Wishing New Member

    Can you tell her that you will be sitting in one of the first three rows and just concentrate that you are the only one there and she is performing for you alone and the other people in the audience really don't concentrate that much on one person as much as the whole story or theme.
  19. Rotsne

    Rotsne Banned

    Well, the problem is that student loans are among the most expensive in the country even with the fact that the state covers the risk. They were introduced back in the 70's where we had a socialist goverment. The present government dont like the social unrest a mixed student environment means. Here is an article about the burden of depts among students: http://www.cphpost.dk/get/97115.html

    Second of all the unions have forced the industry to give high saleries to workers (more than 80% of all workers are in the union) so education don't pay off. From the article:

    Longer education is not a option if I want to coach my children in the best direction. Getting them into a job after form 9 or 10 would be winning the lottery. Here is another article: http://www.cphpost.dk/get/90660.html

    Anyhow my daughter is so happy to miss out on the school play. The whole ordeal had really occupied her mindset.
  20. Jena

    Jena New Member

    Alrite, so after hours of talking to difficult child, and i also went online to show her how beautiful the theatre where they'll be performing is.......we cut a deal. I said if I can talk to the producer and co. of show and if they let me be back stage to be there for you and other kids (told her that to avoid the paranoia) to help out, would you feel a little better than? and we wont' have friends/family come to the first show, we'll tell them to buy tickets for the 2nd show??

    So, after about a ton of questions she agreed. :) I"m sure that her medication will be increased more by than also so that should help.

    Now ofcourse she'l change her mind probably ten times before the show yet I tried to explain that once we make a decisoin today we have to stick with it and follow it thru.

    so, that's good i think. i'll talk to them today. if they say no to me again about beign back stage than she's out.