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I make myself tired
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 625865" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Tish, I understand your feelings and I have absolutely felt that way. I think most of us here, at one time or another have met that wall of despair and stayed stuck there for awhile. Tish, there is a lot of loss here, not just the loss of the dreams you had for your sons, but the loss of the relationships you've lost with them................the loss of any control over a situation which is sad and heartbreaking..........and you have to stand by and watch it. I know exactly how you feel.</p><p></p><p>I think we all have to ask ourselves what are we willing to do. In my case I fought for guardianship of my then 11 year old granddaughter and then learned how to detach from the wild ride of a life my daughter lives................not easy choices. We all have to make the choices for US that we can live with. As you walk through this, you'll see each step has a choice........you make it..........it leads you somewhere. In the meantime, there is a lot to let go of..............in my belief and in my experience you will need as much help as you can muster. Not only therapy, but Family Anonymous, or a parent group, books, posting here..........you have to look at it from every angle and learn a new way to be, a new way to parent. In this world, it's a lot of letting go........ you need support in doing that.</p><p></p><p>There may indeed be no progress with your sons.........it may always be this way, or not. We don't know. But what you can do is to learn how to have your life so that it doesn't get pulled into every rabbit hole your sons go down. My intention was to find a way to have inner peace regardless of what is going on with my daughter........or anyone. Nothing is accomplished by our worry or our letting our lives go because our kids make poor choices which negatively impact themselves and those around them. We can learn to place boundaries around their behavior in ways that are healthy for us and that they can abide by. It may mean you need to back away, only you know the steps you need to take.</p><p></p><p>Your fear and sorrow is real. I think this path we find ourselves on is filled with those two emotions. In particular because these are our children. And yet, they are grown adults making choices.........at some point those choices must be theirs to make and we need to step back and in my case now, step away. I think we all have to figure out for ourselves if we need to create a distance and if so, how far. There is no right or wrong, only what works for you. </p><p></p><p>All your feelings are part of this landscape...........it is what it is. We can't change it.We have to learn to live in it.......with as much grace, compassion, strict and unbreakable boundaries and I think most importantly, to love ourselves enough, to respect ourselves enough and to honor ourselves enough to make choices that take care of US. Our adult kids can drag us through so much that after awhile we forget how to identify our own needs and wants. It is important to ask yourself what is it you want and what are you willing to do with your sons and what are you NOT willing to do. It is up to you, not them. Their needs do not supersede your life or your needs. That time is over, they are not children, they are grown adults.</p><p></p><p>That despair is being caught in the middle of having no idea what to do and recognizing that you can't go down any "normal" parent pathways.................. this is going to require a whole new skill set. The skill set requirement is the serenity prayer.......to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference. It's a little dicey. We aren't taught how to do this, we have to learn how to do it.</p><p></p><p>And, you can learn how to do it, one choice at a time. You have us, we're here. We know exactly how you are feeling Tish. Hang in there, it will get better.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 625865, member: 13542"] Tish, I understand your feelings and I have absolutely felt that way. I think most of us here, at one time or another have met that wall of despair and stayed stuck there for awhile. Tish, there is a lot of loss here, not just the loss of the dreams you had for your sons, but the loss of the relationships you've lost with them................the loss of any control over a situation which is sad and heartbreaking..........and you have to stand by and watch it. I know exactly how you feel. I think we all have to ask ourselves what are we willing to do. In my case I fought for guardianship of my then 11 year old granddaughter and then learned how to detach from the wild ride of a life my daughter lives................not easy choices. We all have to make the choices for US that we can live with. As you walk through this, you'll see each step has a choice........you make it..........it leads you somewhere. In the meantime, there is a lot to let go of..............in my belief and in my experience you will need as much help as you can muster. Not only therapy, but Family Anonymous, or a parent group, books, posting here..........you have to look at it from every angle and learn a new way to be, a new way to parent. In this world, it's a lot of letting go........ you need support in doing that. There may indeed be no progress with your sons.........it may always be this way, or not. We don't know. But what you can do is to learn how to have your life so that it doesn't get pulled into every rabbit hole your sons go down. My intention was to find a way to have inner peace regardless of what is going on with my daughter........or anyone. Nothing is accomplished by our worry or our letting our lives go because our kids make poor choices which negatively impact themselves and those around them. We can learn to place boundaries around their behavior in ways that are healthy for us and that they can abide by. It may mean you need to back away, only you know the steps you need to take. Your fear and sorrow is real. I think this path we find ourselves on is filled with those two emotions. In particular because these are our children. And yet, they are grown adults making choices.........at some point those choices must be theirs to make and we need to step back and in my case now, step away. I think we all have to figure out for ourselves if we need to create a distance and if so, how far. There is no right or wrong, only what works for you. All your feelings are part of this landscape...........it is what it is. We can't change it.We have to learn to live in it.......with as much grace, compassion, strict and unbreakable boundaries and I think most importantly, to love ourselves enough, to respect ourselves enough and to honor ourselves enough to make choices that take care of US. Our adult kids can drag us through so much that after awhile we forget how to identify our own needs and wants. It is important to ask yourself what is it you want and what are you willing to do with your sons and what are you NOT willing to do. It is up to you, not them. Their needs do not supersede your life or your needs. That time is over, they are not children, they are grown adults. That despair is being caught in the middle of having no idea what to do and recognizing that you can't go down any "normal" parent pathways.................. this is going to require a whole new skill set. The skill set requirement is the serenity prayer.......to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference. It's a little dicey. We aren't taught how to do this, we have to learn how to do it. And, you can learn how to do it, one choice at a time. You have us, we're here. We know exactly how you are feeling Tish. Hang in there, it will get better. [/QUOTE]
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