I may kill her yet!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by meowbunny, Jul 11, 2008.

  1. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Or m for being so stupid. On the advice of a car dealership and confirmation from someone at a credit union, I agreed to put $1,000 in an account in my child's name for two months. At the end of the two months, they would give her a letter of credit and loan to get a car. Obviously, my name could not be on the account -- it had to be hers.

    I explained that she could not touch this money for any reason. 1. It was mine. 2. If she spent it she pretty much guaranteed I would be homeless when this lease was up. 3. She needed to add to it so that she looked financially responsible.

    So, I checked the account on the 5th. Yup, she did it. She took money out. I left her a message to give me a call. She called at midnight. I said I needed to see her on the following day (Monday). "Why?" "Why do you think?" "I don't know, just tell me." I did.

    The reasons why she took the money were incredible. It wasn't stealing because she was going to pay it back. If she had asked me, I would have said no. They had the money for the rent but the bank was closed when she got off work and she couldn't get the money. I was going to give her some money anyway so what difference did it make?

    Let's see, you couldn't just deposit your paycheck and write a check for the rent? I didn't think of that and the ATM doesn't take deposits. How did you manage to get the money out of the credit union if the bank was closed. No answer. No matter what, it was my money, dear child. You had no right to take it without permission.

    Yesterday, I get a call from her bank (I have her phone) informing me that she is seriously overdrawn and the check fees are getting too high. If she doesn't do something, they will press charges.

    I am drafting an IOU for her. In it, she will admit to owing me the money and admit to the theft of those funds. If she doesn't pay the money she took (I made her get the remaining funds in the credit union and give them to me) by the end of the month, I am pressing charges for theft and conversion of funds.

    To put it mildly, I am heartsick. The idea of being homeless is not my idea of fun but without that $1K, I won't have the deposits I need to get a new place plus have money to make the move. The idea of my beloved daughter in jail is enough to make me want to slit my wrists. I don't want to do it but I will. She needs to learn she cannot keep doing things like this. She is now an adult living on her own.

    I've been in shock all week, barely functioning, scared to death for both of us. I love this kid. I really, truly do but I hate what she becomes when she starts hanging with others. The same cycle over and over and over. This time I can't bail her out even if I wanted to. She's taken everything out of me -- I'm left with an overwhelming pain and that's about it.
  2. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I'm so sorry.


  3. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    I am so sorry, meowbunny. Your difficult child's excuses sound so familiar. It's as if they just have no moral compass.

    I hope your daughter will sign the IOU. You may face a barrage of accusations from her instead, though. At least, that has been my experience when difficult child is confronted with his actions. Maybe some advice from a legal clinic would be helpful? They might be able to advise you as to the best way to pursue this, and also as to any available assistance with your upcoming move, since you're the victim of theft. I don't know ... just some thoughts.

  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I'm so sorry. I'd be ready to wring her neck, too.

    If you don't manage to get the money back before the need becomes pressing.......Go to local churches and see if they can help. If nothing else, maybe they can get a bunch of stong men together and help with the moving part for free.

  5. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    MB--I'm so sorry. I know that we so want to believe that despite the past, this time, this one time, things will be different. Like they will suddenly develop a sense of decency and responsibility. My difficult child can't handle money. If he has it available, he will blow it on stupid, irresponsible things. Why did the bank call you? You are not financially responsible for her financial stupidity. Don't let them make you feel guilty. Hugs.
  6. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    The bank called me because I have her phone and they thought they were talking to her -- I wasn't paying attention when they first started speaking and didn't notice they said her name and not mine (they're close). They just wanted her to be aware of what the consequences were if she continued to have ATM withdrawals without adequate funds.

    I knew that if the money were there for several months she woulld use it, but I honestly thought two months would be okay. Stupid, stupid me. I'm back in curl up mode -- at least then I don't have to think.
  7. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry. We always cling to that hope that things will change.. and then they don't.. and we feel kicked in the teeth again .. I know, believe me. Just know you are not alone.
  8. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

  9. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    I'm not surprised and shocked at the same time. I am so so so sorry for you. All I ever see is YOU going the extra mile, being top Mom, giving 190% of 100 and constantly getting hit with dumb difficult child stuff.

    This affected YOUR ability to move? I'd be furious.
    I think she had better figure out TODAY that she's done the last screw job on her mother's good intentions. But I get the roll up in a ball mode. You want to save them because you love them and you need to not save them because you love them. Who in the world can ever understand that?

    I really am so sorry -
  10. drama_mama85

    drama_mama85 New Member

    I agree that taking the proper legal actions is probably best and you are absolutely right that she needs to learn that she cannot do things like this, not to you, not to anyone. If she needs money, she has to earn it like the rest of us. Stand firm and look out for yourself. She's grown now and her actions require consequences or she will never learn. So, love her enough to force her to learn, even if it means uncomfortable consequences for her. Good luck!
  11. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry. I know this just makes you heartsick...
  12. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    I feel sick for you.........horrible. I probably would have done the exact same, ever hopeful, thing. How many times can we be slammed, until we give up?

    I am so, so sorry.
    Hugs. Stay strong. You will make the right choice about her, and you will not be homeless.
  13. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Oh honey. I don't have words.

    Lighting a candle and saying an extra prayer.
  14. Andy

    Andy Active Member


    Why can they just not GET IT????

    Did difficult child have some "help" in figuring out she should "borrow" the funds?

    She is 20 and it was put in her name for a purpose, she needs to pay the bank fees. Does she have even a morsel of a clue what she just did to YOU?
  15. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    That really stinks.

    easy child asked me to cosign for a loan a while back. I said no. What does he show up with yesterday...a brand new 2008 car, with one month of free insurance. Yep...one month when you're 19 and a male. What is month 2 going to be when you're supposedly to be going to college?

    All I know is I have nothing to do with it.

  16. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    MB, I'm so sorry. Sending many hugs.
  17. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    I'm so sorry, MB. :(

  18. DazedandConfused

    DazedandConfused Active Member

    I'm so sorry about what difficult child did.

    I'm going to play Devil's advocate here, but I wondering if criminal action will be taken seriously by the police.

    The account WAS her in her name. As far as the bank is concerned the money is hers to take. Even if you do get her to sign something admitting that she "stole" the money, will the police be willing to pursue it? I know they wouldn't where I live.

    However, if you do get her to admit that you both had an agreement and that the money was put into her name for the specific purpose and she knowningly broke that agreement, you can take her to civil court. But, I don't know how good, in the end (like getting your money back) , it will do you.

    Why do they do stuff like this?? Grrrrr
  19. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Quite honestly, I have no intention of stating the facts of where the money was. I simply stated that she owed me the money because she stole the money from me. Let her attorney and the courts work out the rest. I just have to get to her to have her sign the IOU. Right now, I honestly can't face her. It seems that I can't get over this one. Usually by now I've made the excuses for her and forgiven her. Not this time.

    I'm numb. The anger is gone or well submerged but there's no feeling. No love. No hate. Just disbelief. That I can't feel any love for my child is truly shocking. No matter what she has done in the past, the love has always been there. She's stolen from me before. She's stabbed me with scissors, blackened my eye, wrecked my car. Through all of it, I loved her. I would have died for that child. Now, I feel as if she's a stranger. What a sad state affairs.

    To me, this feeling of nothingness is worse than any anger I've ever felt. I'm having a hard time finding a reason to go on. If nothing else, there was my daughter and her need for me. Now, that need doesn't matter. Depression is definitely winning.
  20. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Well they say that the polar opposite of love is not hate but apathy.

    Many hugs to you.