I messed up, fiance moved out and now I don't know what to do

[myeverything04]

I'm a single mom who has been engaged for the past 2.5 years.... I don't have a job as I just finished college and tonight I made the mistake the will cost me my fiance. In December we had to rehome our 4 cats as my fiance had a severe allergic reaction and was hospitalized. Two of the cats were my difficult child's. She of course was heartbroken and still cries about missing them. Tonight, against my fiances wishes, I adopted a ferret for my daughter. I didn't think he would actually leave over it but he did.

I feel so alone and lost now. I have no job, no income and bills due (which he normally pays). How do you choose between your SO and your child who has already been through hell most of their life? I'm so afraid that my ex-husband will try to take my daughter as I'm jobless. To top it all off, the career I went to school for is an early morning career (6:30am - surgery) and I now have no one to help me take my daughter to or from school. Has anyone else ever been through this, alone, jobless and bills coming in???

 

[susiestar]

Hi and welcome. It sounds like a really tough day. I don't know that I can make any suggestions/judgements about your situation with-o sounding very unsupportive.

I don't mean to be. I truly am asking because I don't understand the situation. First of all, did you understand before you got the ferret that your fiance whom you are financially dependent on is allergic to animals? Is this something you have discussed? It sounds, to me, like the ferret was a rather spontaneous decision, one not thought out or discussed with him. Why did you feel that getting an animal was a good thing at this time?

From what you have said, your fiance has a severe allergy to animals which has already caused life threatening problems in the past and you knew of this. So you got an anmal that would live in your home to make your daughter happy but you didn't speak to him about it? I am confused. Do you care about him? Is there a reason your daughter had to have this animal to treat an problem or as a therapy animal to help wtih a disability or was it just to have a pet?

As I said, I TRULY do not want to sound unsupportive. I have severe health problems and it limits my life greatly. My husband is amazing about it and we are a team. I can rely on him to NOT bring something home that would make me very ill or threaten my life. Are you aware that once you have had a very serious allergic reaction to something then future reactions will be MUCH more severe, not less severe? Can you put yourself in his shoes? How would you feel if the taste or touch of peanuts in ANY form caused you to have a reaction so strong you ended up in the hospital? How would you feel if your fiance brought home peanut butter and foods with peanuts in them and left peanut butter smeared all over the counters and furniture? Sadly many people react to more than just one animal with fur, and after reacting to one they react much much stronger to others.

How did you intend to pay for food and vet bills for the ferret if you can't support yourself and yoru child? Can you go to the Dept of Human Services and apply for help as you don't have any income? Maybe they could help?

What is the horrible stuff your daughter has been through? Was your fiance awful to her? Is her father abusive? Does she have a disability or disorder of some kind? Most of us have kids with behavioral or developmental or health problems, so we may be more help with that than your other situation. Does your daughter have any diagnosis? Problems in school?

Again, I don't mean to be nosy, insensitive or to ask rude questions. I just don't understand and cannot offer meaningful help if I don't have a grasp of the problem. Why was it so important to get a ferret? How would that help your daughter, esp if it meant she had to live with her father which seems to be a bad thing from what you have said. Does her father abuse her? Is it dangerous for her to live iwth him if you cannot support her? What is the custody arrangement?

 

[buddy]

Oh sweetie, time to bite the bullet with your daughter. Yes, she has struggled being a preemie and having all her learning / adhd challenges but she can understand mistakes. You will need to explain to her that you made a mistake, thought F was only allergic to cats and you need to take the ferret back to a home. Explain that risking a life is not a choice. You can find a way to visit and help at an animal rescue place. many need people to help socialize the cats/kittens etc.

then apologize to fiance. I dont know how you can explain this because unless you thought it was ONLY cats it doesn't make sense you would risk his life like that, unless... do you have impulse control issues too? Believe me, many of us understand that..either live with it or have kids with it. I am not being critical or saying it to make you feel badly, just trying to help sort it all out. We all make mistakes. this could have been deadly and I doubt that F could even risk staying to talk about this. Nearly dying is traumatic and I would run in fear too.

I wonder if this is the last straw in other issues where he thinks maybe you put your or her needs above him? It is something to ask him about.

I was able to get emergency funding (a one time emergency thing, covering my rent due to an emergency) through our county. Maybe check to see if there is anything like that. Is he on the lease? If so he still has to pay.

Search your heart sweetie. If you think you did this because you really dont want to be with him, answer that for your self. If it was just impulse control issues, admit it and fix the problem.

Start your job search tomorrow. You can enroll your daughter in a before school day care program, there are often programs right at the school where she is. If not, find a school friend, or neighbor with kids at the same school to care for her and put her on the bus with their kids.

many people do it, and another alternative will be to get a job in a related area but not that specific thing for now.

Hope you can sleep and work this out tomorrow. I am sorry for your pain and upset. Your daughter will get over it. I cried for years over a lost cat when I was little. crying does not mean it is ruining her life. It means she feels sad. and that is something to talk about and part of life. Not something to be soothed by buying things.

HUGS, really hoping this turns around for you. I know you feel badly, but you made a mistake. Be honest with yourself and figure out why you did it and then solve the problem which ever way it ends up. (I know, easier said than done especially when youre scared and heart broken)

 

[BusynMember]

IS he allergic to ferrets?

Is your relationship with finace a good and do you want him there because you love him and he's good to your daughter or because it is helpful to have him there? I don't ask that to be mean...I remember when I was divorced I hung onto to one man for too long because he would help me with the bills, etc...and I felt so lost and desperate and scared, so I was just wondering if you were anything like I was. Is he afraid of another reaction? I really can't blame him, if that is what is is.


I hope you can come to a peaceful decision. When I was single, I was scared most of the time, so I understand. Offering big hubs and support, no matter what you decide to do.

 

[DaisyFace]

He was hospitalized in December and just a few weeks later you brought home a ferret???

Yes - that might have been a deal-breaker here, too.

My husband is allergic to cats....and that allergy also seems to include furry rodents such as ferrets, chinchillas, hamsters, guinea pigs, etc. So as much as I adore those types of animals, we just can't have them. Period. And I have had to turn down my kids requests to get those types of pets many times...

I'm sorry, hon - but I think getting a ferret at this time was a mistake. But was your relationship on the rocks prior to this? Would returning the ferret "fix" things - or was this latest disagreement just the icing on the cake?

 

[DDD]

Sending hugs your way. Honestly (and I'm sorry to say so) I think your fiance protected himself and his health by leaving. Really think about what your choices were and how they impacted your family unit. All of us are dedicated to our children but in my humble opinion you weren't serving her best interests by having any animals in your home. Regardless of her age she needs to know that family respect each others needs.

If I were you and if I cared for my SO I would try to hook up with him and see if there is any chance of salvaging the relationship. The first thing I would say is "I am sorry. I was wrong." If there is still a connection between you then I'd add "Are you willing to give it another shot in our home with just the three of us and no pets?" It's possible he may agree. If not tell him "please accept my apology and my sincere best wishes that your future is wonderful because you are a good man."

Congrats on completing school. You now have an opportunity to get a job that you enjoy. Pull out a notebook and start making notes of the challenges you face. Then get on the phone and in the telephone book and on the internet and explore supports in your community. My most important suggestion is "do not let your daughter share your adult concerns". I was single for six years and it is easy to forget that children are children when you are in crisis. She does not need to feel fear or any responsibility or even compassion for you. You are the Mom. You will make sure she is safe. You will love her every day of her life. That consistent reassurance is the most important thing right now. If the animals have to go then assure her they will be getting wonderful homes and when she's older perhaps she can have pets again. Best of luck. You can do it. DDD

 

[myeverything04]

IS he allergic to ferrets?

No, my fiance is not allergic to ferrets. I have always felt guilty for being the one to ask for a divorce with difficult child's dad and often do 'impulse' things that I know will make her happy. I wasn't thinking about my fiances breathing issues or the fact that he has supported us for the past 2 years while I finished school. I have been so engolfed in difficult child's issues lately that I haven't thought about anything or anyone but her so I wasn't thinking straight about my decision to go pick this ferret up. I wasn't at all thinking about what was best for my family as a whole. I also have an animal problem, which a past therapist suggested may be my way of trying fix or 'plug' an empty void in my life. This isn't an excuse but I'm just throwing it out there to give a little more insight into my situation.
I realize I have made a HUGE mistake and I'm not sure if even taking the ferret back will fix any of it. I do love my fiance but often feel like we have little communication or can't even have a conversation about anything because one of us always thinks the other is trying to argue when in fact they are just talking. He came from a very "do it or else" type of family where both parents worked to make ends meat and my upbringing was a lot different, with a stay at home mom and father that made good money. I think this has played a role in how our opinions differ with the way parent my daughter. Non the less, I made a mistake and need to try to fix it. I'm sorry for bring this to the board but I had no one else to talk to last night and this is one place I feel I get good, sound advice.

 

[buddy]

I realize I have made a HUGE mistake and I'm not sure if even taking the ferret back will fix any of it. I do love my fiance but often feel like we have little communication or can't even have a conversation about anything because one of us always thinks the other is trying to argue when in fact they are just talking.

All of what you said makes more sense. I think it will take more than the ferret issue fixed, right? Sounds like marriage is not a good thing quite yet. Can you do premarital counseling with him? Sounds like you also need to continue with your individual therapy (and many of us have been there, so not a put down or anything).... to make sure you are marrying to have a partner not out of fear for security, food, shelter, etc. You are being honest. He might be afraid of being with an animal hoarder, especially since you already have pets and he gets sick from it.

I wish you the best, if this is meant to be, with work, it will happen.

 

[myeverything04]

Yes buddy, it's going to take more than fixing the ferret issues. He is coming over this morning so we can talk. I am going to suggest premarital counseling (or another form of counseling) as we do have a lot of ongoing issues - mine being my fear of raising an unhappy child due to divorce/other issues. His mom is/was also an animal hoarder so I know he probably already has thoughts of our household being like his was growing up (overpopulated with animals that need time, money and care).

 

[DDD]

Good luck this morning. The issues sound complex but perhaps your relationship can improve. by the way, don't apologize for reaching out to the CD family. We all have multiple stressors and sometimes just have to share with one another to get a clearer view. Hugs DDD

 

[pajamas]

You're just over 30, which is a more challenging age than anybody every tells you in advance, and maybe your fiance is around the same age, too? It's a time of change, and or reevaluating what you want out of life. You can see by the signature lines that many of us are a bit older... and many of us were once where you are now, or are trying to help our kids through similar things. My DSD, Meg, is also 31, and also struggling with major decisions on relationships, jobs, children, and even, which state to live in. I was in a similar state - way too many years ago. Things will get better - it just might take a couple of years. My key advice to her is to pick one problem at at time. It's really, really hard with so many things up in the air, but once she's found a direction/answer for one problem, just one, the others seem easier.

Here's the tough love part: your fiance didn't leave (just) because of the ferret. If it was about the animal, he could just have said "I'm going to my mother's/friend's/etc. house. I'm mad - call me when it's gone." Your tag line says ADD. My guess - as a fellow ADDer - is that the ferret is a signal to him that (once again) you forgot about him or did something impulsive without taking him into account. I'M NOT SAYING HE'S RIGHT. Just that he might see it that way. Or, it could be about his relationship with his mother and her animals as you suggest. Whatever the case, it's probably not about this particular ferret at this particular time. He may be seeing it as symbolic of other problems in your relationship, and fear that this isn't the kind of marriage he wants to sign up for. (I warned it was the tough love part.)

IF he gets you in other ways, if you generally feel loved and understood, and not like you're walking on eggshells, make the apologies and try to see if he can tell you why this is such a deal-breaker for him (really listen). And then see what you can do TOGETHER to prevent this from happening again.

You don't say what exactly you trained for, but you may need to explore a related career for just a little while so you can get your daughter to school - OR once you find a job, there may be a before/after-school childcare mom or program where you can drop her early and they'll take her to school (we have those here). If it's ahospital-based job, there may be other parents with similar challenges. Either way, it sounds like that's a worry, not a current problem. For now, drop her off at school as (I assume) you've been doing and focus on finding a job - then you can worry about childcare.

It might be worth checking into the ADD medications, too - or at least consider the possibility (though I'm no one to talk).

Remember - things WILL get better - it just may take awhile.

PJ

 

[Malika]

Let us know how it goes. One good thing that may come from what seems a bad turn of events is that this will force your relationship into more honest, open ground. Good luck.

 

[buddy]

Hope your talk went ok. Just wanted you to know I was thinking of you.

 

[myeverything04]

Thank you to all and your opinions/advice. It truely does help to have someone from outside the relationship give their suggestions.

Our talk went as well as I think it could have. Fiance did say the ferret was the 'icing on the cake' and brought up a lot of things that we have discussed in the past but this time it finally hit that I do have some longstanding issues in my life that I thought I had delt with and overcome but haven't (I want to be in control of everything but don't like making decisions alone - crazy? a little. I also carry difficult child around like an egg, trying not to crack it or I think it's ruined. I feel alone in making decisions for her life and feel if they turn out wrong its all my fault. And the list continues). I have been so caught up in difficult child lately that I never even thought about fiances respiratory issues. I know that may sound stupid, but I seriously think I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and get so wrapped up in one thing (making difficult child happy with a ferret, or at least me thinking difficult child would be happy) that I block out all other things.

I don't think it really hit me how much I appreciate him and what he does for me and difficult child until he actually packed his clothes and left Wednesday night. We are both very stubborn people and often are so concerned with getting our own opinion across that we forget there IS another side to everything. Fiance agreed that couples counseling (along with some individual counseling for myself) would help us to communicate better. He is going to stay with his grandparents for a while until we can get some therapy going.

On a good note, I accepted a job offer Thursday and will be working full time by the beginning of February. I think this will help my self confidence, which has only gone down hill since my divorce and even more once I stopped working to go to school. My family is going to help me with getting difficult child from school so that is one stress taken care of!

 

[TeDo]

Glad things seem to be working out. Things happen for a reason. I think individual counseling for you and your issues along WITH couples counseling is a GREAT idea. His willingness to do that speaks volumes about how much he must love you. You are lucky.

CONGRATS on the job too. And family stepping in to help....that is AWESOME!!!

 

[recoveringenabler]

Warm wishes and hugs to you. You are getting some sound advice here and you've been willing to hear it and make changes, good for you, that is a real sign of maturity and health. I agree with continuing therapy and getting therapy with your fiancee. As an older woman whose been in similar situations with my difficult daughter, I can say that therapy really helped me a lot over the years and as someone mentioned, your age can be a challenging time. One thing that I recently learned is that doing things out of guilt over a divorce for my daughter only served to hinder her and set up a negative connection. In my codependency course I've learned that the difference between doing something out of codependency versus loving kindness, is that loving kindness FEELS GOOD, and codependency feels bad. A good distinction to know. Don't enable your daughter, get some codependency and/or parenting help to not raise her with your guilt. This is all hard and you've already been through so much, but you're listening and your willing, so stay grounded, breathe, talk to your therapist, you're doing well, keep up the good work. Blessings and prayers to you, your little girl and your fiancee.

 

[buddy]

Really good steps forward. I wish I could move forward that quickly when in a big crisis. I am glad for you that he is willing to work on things and that he is being honest with his feelings so you both can grow as individuals and together ..... and then as a family.

 

[pajamas]

Thank you for listening ... we know it's hard. And congrats on the job

I want to be in control of everything but don't like making decisions alone - crazy? a little.

Ouch! Sounds just like me - or at least husband's opinion of me. And we've stuck together through ups and downs and similar issues for 25 years. I *think* that I really want to make a joint decision with him; he thinks I'm placating him, and we'll have to do it my way regardless. Probably we're both right in part. I know at work, my boss says I irritate some people in similar ways even though he knows I'm actually open to incorporating their feedback or even completely changing direction - then he follows up with something along the lines of "but it's ok because you're usually right" (and I keep my job, because he's pretty similar). You're coming a long way just by seeing it, so now you can be alert to when you're doing it.

I know that may sound stupid, but I seriously think I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and get so wrapped up in one thing (making difficult child happy with a ferret, or at least me thinking difficult child would be happy) that I block out all other things.

That doesn't sound like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), it sounds like ADD. The thing about ADD is that it doesn't mean you CAN'T pay attention, it means you can't CONTROL when you pay attention. "Hyper-focus" is part of the condition, as is impulsive action based on whatever you're focusing on right now. Good thing to talk with your therapist about.

Funny story - When Holden was around 8 or so, I had him practice saying "Idea-Think-Do. NOT Idea-Do-Think". Take off on the Ready-fire-aim thing. When I get excited about something, I have to do the same thing still, but I've learned a lot about my nature over time (and still can't always control it).

It does sound like your fiance loves you, and maybe this breather with therapy is just what you need to start your marriage with a strong foundation. Be sure to find an individual therapist who is knowledgeable about adult ADD, and give the two therapists permission to talk with each other.

We're rooting for you,

PJ

p.s. first time I've tried to insert quotes - hope they worked right

 

[DDD]

I agree with everyone. Glad there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I also agree after parenting ADDers for over forty years that it may be time to think about taking a medication to help. Sometimes it is possible to have adult ADD and truly be unaware of how many things, and people, are impacted. Hugs and best of luck. DDD

 

[myeverything04]

You all have made great comments since this morning!

The thing about ADD is that it doesn't mean you CAN'T pay attention, it means you can't CONTROL when you pay attention.

I was not aware of this. I was a late diagnosis (after age 18), took medication for a while and then when I lost my job years ago, I couldn't afford the medications so I have been coping without since. I hadn't really thought about how it could be effecting other people and not just me so maybe it is time (now that I will have insurance again!) that I look into getting back on some medication.
Also love the "Idea-Think-Do" vs. "Idea-Do-Think." It's such a simple concept yet I have never looked at it that way. I, for the most part, do-think-regret (lol). I will definately be thinking about that and using that technique in the future.