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Family of Origin
I miss my sister...for the first time in say 55 years.
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<blockquote data-quote="elizabethanne" data-source="post: 654530" data-attributes="member: 18933"><p>Thank YOU for the support and validation you extended to me as well, Copa. Isn't it amazing how much healing can take place just from reading the kind words of another caring human being? All those words you used to describe me in your post is what I also picked up on in you--wise, centered, generous, strong, open, loving. Please believe that you also possess these qualities. I know it's true about you because I felt a big weight lift, and sense of peace and relief replace the heaviness, as I read your words.</p><p>I have to share something that popped into my head when you said, "I wonder too if I still want to hang onto blame". Of course, when we feel hurt, we want to name it and say it out loud..."when she __________ or when she said___________, it crushed me..."I'll never forget how it made me feel when she_____". I think we've all been on both sides of that equation and in our retelling , we feel right, justified and betrayed.</p><p>I read something the other day that helped me that. It was actually something I ready in my son's treatment/recovery paperwork. It said, instead of seeking to blame, seek to understand. I immediately thought of a recent loss of a love relationship, and remember going through a phase where my mission was to lay out in writing for him all the ways I felt abandoned and betrayed by someone I deeply admired, trusted and respected (I thought I was being loving and self-responsible at the same time). He didn't feel the love part. He just felt wrong. When we are hurting, especially when we are in crisis, it is so hard to get to understanding. I think what we want most when we are hurting is to be understood. Maybe we just don't know how to ask for that. Maybe your sister doesn't know either. And my friend--you are right, how could I not empathize with her loss and pain? On the other hand, it is difficult to show empathy when a person is burning bridges at every turn and showing little sign of going forward. I should have offered something other than money. I brought over food, but I should have bought food made meals with her or bought big bags of dog food (but it had to be Costco brand for them, and others were already doing that). </p><p>OK, enough "woulda, shoulda, coulda" replay already!</p><p>I'm going to challenge myself here. Before I call her, I am going to repeat these words over and over and I'm going to write them down too:</p><p>What we want most is to understand and to be understood.</p><p></p><p>I'll let you know how it goes. Maybe it's something that could work to bring healing between you and your sister, Copa.</p><p>Does she value those things you mentioned above? That is, wisdom, centeredness, generosity, openness? Is she strong and loving like you?</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="elizabethanne, post: 654530, member: 18933"] Thank YOU for the support and validation you extended to me as well, Copa. Isn't it amazing how much healing can take place just from reading the kind words of another caring human being? All those words you used to describe me in your post is what I also picked up on in you--wise, centered, generous, strong, open, loving. Please believe that you also possess these qualities. I know it's true about you because I felt a big weight lift, and sense of peace and relief replace the heaviness, as I read your words. I have to share something that popped into my head when you said, "I wonder too if I still want to hang onto blame". Of course, when we feel hurt, we want to name it and say it out loud..."when she __________ or when she said___________, it crushed me..."I'll never forget how it made me feel when she_____". I think we've all been on both sides of that equation and in our retelling , we feel right, justified and betrayed. I read something the other day that helped me that. It was actually something I ready in my son's treatment/recovery paperwork. It said, instead of seeking to blame, seek to understand. I immediately thought of a recent loss of a love relationship, and remember going through a phase where my mission was to lay out in writing for him all the ways I felt abandoned and betrayed by someone I deeply admired, trusted and respected (I thought I was being loving and self-responsible at the same time). He didn't feel the love part. He just felt wrong. When we are hurting, especially when we are in crisis, it is so hard to get to understanding. I think what we want most when we are hurting is to be understood. Maybe we just don't know how to ask for that. Maybe your sister doesn't know either. And my friend--you are right, how could I not empathize with her loss and pain? On the other hand, it is difficult to show empathy when a person is burning bridges at every turn and showing little sign of going forward. I should have offered something other than money. I brought over food, but I should have bought food made meals with her or bought big bags of dog food (but it had to be Costco brand for them, and others were already doing that). OK, enough "woulda, shoulda, coulda" replay already! I'm going to challenge myself here. Before I call her, I am going to repeat these words over and over and I'm going to write them down too: What we want most is to understand and to be understood. I'll let you know how it goes. Maybe it's something that could work to bring healing between you and your sister, Copa. Does she value those things you mentioned above? That is, wisdom, centeredness, generosity, openness? Is she strong and loving like you? [/QUOTE]
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I miss my sister...for the first time in say 55 years.
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