I need a quick reminder

[klmno]

What works when they get a crappy attitude and sit there staring at tv instead of doing homework, just because I told him to do homework and he's going to prove to me that he won't do it, apparently? I haven't been domineering about this, I don't think, but maybe that's subjective. Anyway, he had a lot of homework this weekend and he's done most of it, including writing a paper where he said he wanted to go to college. He's smart enough to know that he needs to get good grades to do what he wants. So, I just don't get why he gets this way and how to get him out of it. Ideas? He's being very passive aggressive right now. I'm keeping my cool and not getting yelling or acting mad at him, but this refusing to do what he;'s told can really crawl under my skin- and of course, he knows it. His grades and behavior were very good last week- and I bragged on him, I have reminded him that he needs to do his homework so he'll get more 91's and 93's, etc, .... He does this 99% of every Sunday.

And what really irks me is that he knows that if he really were to keep this up and I don't fight him- I just put it all on his shoulders, it would be me explaining to the PO and judge why I don't make him do it.

 

[meowbunny]

If you're prepared for the battles, you could make his life stop. No TV, no going anywhere, no music, nada, zilch, nothing, until his does what is needed. Personally, for homework I don't think I would go this route but it is one way to get it done. I was a frm believer that homework issues were up to the school to get a handle on. I did as much as I could to get my daughter to do hers but after a certain point, it was up to her and her teachers. I refused to deal with the nightly battles.

What I did was get it in her IEP that one class would be a study class -- she could do homework there or get help with a subject, whatever. Since they didn't have a study hall per se, she usually spent this class at either the library or in the office. Either way, it was on the school to get her to do her homework there barring major papers. It saved a lot of grief in the long run (and she still managed to flunk most of her classes sigh).

 

[klmno]

Thanks, MB! Many times I think we're on the same page after reading your posts. He has a learning strategies class (which is what they call it here) and has it in his iep that assignments can be made up in there. But, I personally don't want that used for times when he appears to be stable- just doing the typical teen pushing limits. He just told me that he was going to use his homwork pass for this assignment tomoroow. I told him I didn't think it was a good idea because he also has a quiz in this class tomorrow and a test on Tues. He said he didn't care, so I dropped it.

The main thing I'm trying to do- not engage. And, I'm trying to figure out what I can do differently (other than letting him call all the shots and just do what he wants) to keep the responsibility on his shoulders without contributing to an escalation until he's raging. I guess it is trying to read all the clues.

 

[Wiped Out]

Homework battles-yuck! I'm with MB on not fighting the hw battle at least with my difficult child, wish I could get there with my easy child.

My easy child gets the same way with the passive aggressive stuff. In fact, right now she is sitting watching tv rather than finish her hw. With easy child, she loses major computer time if she doesn't do her hw. I don't know if something like that would motivate your difficult child?

 

[klmno]

Thanks, Sharon! A lot of time I tell him he doesn't get his dinner until after homework (or at least some of it) is done, but since he told me he would use the homework pass on this one, I don't think I can tell him to do it anyway. I'm thinking of staying "dis-engaged" and just pointing out his grade later this week when he does poorly on the test because he doesn't know how to do the work.

 

[witzend]

In hindsight, I would have let natural consequences attach to his actions. Does he admire any counselor or teacher at his school? If so, I'd let him slide and say not a word to him, but ask this counselor or teacher to talk to him about the great potential for a happy life he is letting slide. Honestly, with M, I think that instead of telling him how smart and capable he was, I might have done better if I had told him "It's too bad you're not very intelligent. Otherwise you could go to college. But, since you're kind of dumb, those things are out of reach for you." He always had to prove me wrong, and anything I wanted was the opposite of what he wanted.

It's early in the year. Unless you are in a school district that actually holds students back, I would academically let him fail and ask for the assistance that the school can give. I wouldn't tolerate attitude or expect the school to tolerate it either. But in hindsight I wish I would have let M follow through on his decisions to not do schoolwork in elementary and middle school instead of fighting him. It would have given him a chance to develop his own reason for doing the work instead of fighting my reasons all of the time.

 

[ML]

I'm having the same battles. I'm just too tired to make this the hill I die on, you know? I hate homework!!

 

[Josie]

I do not get too involved in difficult child 1's homework. She is pretty good about doing it, but will put off long term assignments until the night before. If I know about a long term assignment a few days ahead, I will not allow TV if it isn't done. I can't make her do it, but I don't have to let her just sit around and watch TV or be on the computer. I can make them both be password protected so she can't just watch without my permission.

I don't do anything about daily homework. If she doesn't turn it in, she just gets whatever consequence there is at school.

 

[Andy]

What I hate the worst about my kids having hw and not doing it is that I never once had my parents tell me to do mine. It was always a given that the teacher asked for the work to be done and I would have to do it.

I try to keep the hw in my kid's hands. In doing so, I try to be positive about when/where the hw was done. I let the kids have input.

My difficult child didn't get some done not so long ago. I think I may have posted. I had told him at 7:20 pm to put it down and get ready for bed and I would talk to the teacher. Well, difficult child lost fake money for not having the work done. When I talked to the teacher to explain why I made him stop, she said he had 45 minutes in class plus the hour he worked at home - it should have been done. I agreed. I then went back to difficult child and told him he had plenty of time and asked why it did not get done. It was brought to light that he was watching t.v. at home instead of doing the work. The lost $$ stays put. So, no t.v. on week day nights if he is doing hw. However, he asked for permission to do hw on Friday and Saturdays while watching t.v. If it is not done by Sunday, no t.v. on Sunday.

I give a lot of warnings, "After this show or Wii game or whatever, it is time for hw." We discuss hw needs after school and after looking at the schedule for the night, he decides when he is going to do his hw. I will have an alternate time frame if his is not going to work out.

If the hw doesn't get done, I tell the kid that he or she has to tell the teacher why and that they will not get an excuse from me if they did have time and played instead.

So, instead of just not turning in the work, maybe asking that difficult child get prepared to explain to the teacher why he didn't do it. Kids hate telling their teachers things like that. Sometimes they would rather do the work than explain why it didn't get done.

 

[klmno]

Thanks, ladies! Witz- he does have a very special teacher at school. He was in accelerated math last year and she was his teacher. She believes he is extrememly intelligent, and she was on his iep team so she is aware of all "sides" of him. Also, at the last minute before his court in June, she offered to try to help him by being a character witness and showing difficult child her husband's business card -then we learned that her husband is a judge in the juvenile courts, right next to where difficult child's judge was. I thought maybe this teacher was just exceptionally nice to students, but apparently, most students think she is mean. She and I emailed a few times this summer and she said she felt particularly close to difficult child. I know he adores her- and she is about my age or older so I'm sure it isn't a "teacher crush" thing. She always had a knack for reeling him in if he was straying in thought in her class- and she told the iep team several times that she never had a problem reeling him back in before he went too far out there.

Anyway, she has already offered to help him in algebra this year if he needs it, and she is the one teacher he wrote about in his paper today. He said she had helped him so much and he didn't know where he would be without her. He wrote something similar several days ago, but didn't call her by name like he did in this paper today. Maybe I should email her and let her know- I just hate the thought of her giving up on him and deciding that he isn't worth it if she knows he's not trying, though.

 

[Andy]

If he honors that teacher, I think this would be good. This teacher could "check in" with difficult child. "difficult child, I have been wondering how school is going this year. Do you like your classes? How about hw? Each year you get more and more hw. Do you have a special time each night set aside to do it? One thing that helps with hw is no t.v. on at that time. You don't need that distraction. Many kids don't realize that hw is a large part of their grades. Just doing it helps and if you do it well, your grades will be higher. I know you can do very well in all your classes. I will check in with you at the end of the quarter to see those great grades. I know you can do it." type talk.

My difficult child's therapist just told him no t.v. during hw. difficult child will follow that advise because it came from someone he admires. He will not follow it if it is me saying it. As our kids pull away from us in their quest to grow up, they will turn to other adults. We just hope those other adults will be on our side and continue to guide them in the right direction. So, if there is an adult your child likes that you approve of, go ahead and encourage that friendship.

 

[klmno]

Thanks, Andy! I agree- he won't value what I say as much as an adult that he truly honors anymore. I know it's just normal development and he's had tdocs that were worse influence on him than this teacher. She was a godsend- not because she or her husband actually pulled any strings, but just letting difficult child know that someone valued him and cared about him (other than me) seemed to work miracles. I think I will email her tomorrow. He has a case manager for his iep (she's new this year) but she seems to be thinking the opposite of me- I think this teacher who sees that he can be smart, but still have issues and need mental health treatment plus effort from others to stay reeled in the real world is exactly what he needs.