I need a tug the other way

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by DavidH, Jan 30, 2008.

  1. DavidH

    DavidH Guest

    ugg I just dropped Justin off from his first 24 hour home visit...

    the visit was fine, no issues at all we did nothing "fun" just hung out as we would if he was here always... good lord if I had a kid like I saw I would be bowing down to god daily thanking him - I mean no issues I had a normal teenager here... but a respectful one, helpful, thoughtful

    but oh man am I in a bad way now... wednesday is also calling day, well he told me at 7.05 he was gong to call me for his call, i told him it would be ok if he called gmom or uncle he said I know.. I want to call you.. we all smiled and said ok

    40 mins later as I am driving he calls..... crying trying so hard to hold it back I simply asked what are you feeling, he said down, I said ok, why? he said I just miss you ... i expressed how proud I was of him for the last months and how proud I was of him today your working the program and I am extremly proud...

    he could not hold the crying in I could tell he was.. but he was asking nothing he just wanted to hear dad talk and tell him it is ok....... I am dying inside now...
  2. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    David, you should feel joy that this young man is still able to share how he feels and how much he cares for you.
    Tears are for those of us who have young difficult child's who are so hard they don't show any caring at all.

    It seems the program and your son are working. It's always a work in progress.

    Good for both of you. Cry some tears of joy.
  3. DavidH

    DavidH Guest

    Fran, your right.. I am very happy.. I think what I am having a hard time with it more of the "what if"

    I have fought this before... the what if he has learned his lesson, what if keeping him in is going to do more harm, what does God think of me giving him to the Residential Treatment Center (RTC), after I made this child and he is my responsibility... what if he can come home and have a normal life..

    I know I am emotional I know I am reacting... I am sure I will be fine tomorrow and he will be too... but man this is so hard... I guess some of it is he is having success and the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) is almost like they are shocked that he is on home visits... I guess most boys really fail at home visits.. but Justin is not.. so I am so darn back and forth on .. how long do I do this too him... ugg I am just too emotional I know it...
  4. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    David - my heart aches for you and Justin. This is not an easy road, ever.

    in my humble opinion, I think his tears are a really normal reaction. He had a good home visit (and many many hurrahs for that!!!) and he is now back and smacked with the reality of where he is, and hopefully why he's there.

    If you're going to do the "what if's", let me throw a few from the other side of the fence at you... What if the novelty of being home overwhelmed any inclination to be a difficult child? What if he was honeymooning? What if you pull him from the program too soon?

    Truly I know how hard it is to see your child behave in an appropriate manner and yet you still have to take him back. You strike me as a very invested, concerned, and loving father. This is the time you need to really be strong for yourself, supportive of Justin, but I think you must also insist that he complete the program as determined by Residential Treatment Center (RTC) staff.

    David - you are not "doing this to him". His choices got him here. His choices are the only way he will get out. From a distance, the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) sounds pretty decent. Trust in the knowledge and experience of staff. You're right - you're too emotional about it. Welcome to the club. ;) It's a real bear, isn't it?

    How very cool that he called to hear your voice??? You need to tell him it *will* be okay, no matter what your doubts and misery right now. Personally, I think this is an extremely positive sign.

    You do not want to have to go thru this again. Let Justin finish. Keep working on those home visits. Stay strong!
  5. DavidH

    DavidH Guest


    thank you.. I know your right...

    i will never be able to take all his pain away

    but i will do what i have to.. for him no matter how i feel
  6. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    I can imagine how hard this must be for you. Your exact emotions are why I never had the courage to put my son in Residential Treatment Center (RTC). I do not believe that was necessarily the right choice. I know he would have missed me, like justin misses you........and vice a versa..........however I also think he would have learned so much self control, and gained so much internal strength that it would have been worth it.

    Remember the long term vision for Justin. He is there to gain what? I doubt your goals for him have been achieved in this short stay because they are soul strides are you wanting, not just behavior. Your goals for him will be achieved if you stick to the plan, and let him develop his own fortitude, discipline, and will power.

    Keep fighting the good fight. Let him feel his own pain, and develop his own inner resources - he will be so much more adept in life if you allow this.

    Sending strength your way.
  7. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Aw, David. Hugs for your daddy heart.

    The worst thing a parent ever has to go through is seeing their child hurt. You would do anything to stop that pain.You just wish you could wave a wand and make the pain go away.

    His tears are cleansing. He is learning and growing from them. It is probably (dare I say) harder for you to hear them than for him to experience them. I am almost 40, and my dad STILL can't stand to see me cry. If I start crying, he just wants to shush me, and sometimes I just need a cry.

    Anyways, I am a little off the subject.

    When you hear that he is hurting, you are going to want to think with your heart and not your head. Which is probably why you are such a caring father in the first place. You did the right thing. Vent to us, go ahead and cry yourself (you always feel better afterwards) and then go back to operating on logic instead of emotion.

    I am glad you had a nice visit with him. This, my friend, was the first of many steps towards healing. Keeping you in my prayers.
  8. Lostparent

    Lostparent New Member

    I have to say that I am not for the Residential Treatment Center (RTC). My son however has not displayed the behavior yours has.I believe that the treatment should happen at home. I may at some point make the decision you have. I think that once you make that decision you need to stick with it. I was placed in a Residential Treatment Center (RTC) at the age of 15 and my mom didn't stick with it and I knew at that piont that I had won. I was fortunate enough to come around at a young age. I wish you the best and hope that all works best for you and your son.
  9. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    David, I can't imagine how you must feel, but I know how hard it is to see our little ones hurt. You'd go to the edge of the earth to make it stop.

    Obviously, Residential Treatment Center (RTC) was a good decision for your son. It seems to be working. Let it keep working. Trust youself and your decision to put him there.

    Many, many hugs. No matter how "logical" any answer is, somehow the heart never quite gets the "logic".
  10. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    I know it's got to be painful. But you have every reason to be one proud Dad. difficult child is working hard and it shows. And that he can open up and be vulnerable to you says alot for the relationship the two of you share.

    I'm so glad the visit went well. I know this has got to be so tough on you. But it certainly sounds as if the program is working for him.

  11. daralex

    daralex Clinging onto my sanity

    I am so sorry for how you ae feeling at the moment. You are a warrior dad! i annot imagine the heartache you're experiencing at the moment! I think it's great that things are "sinking in" with your difficult child. It's hard right now, but would be harder still if you weren't doing the right thing. I agre with te rest of the parents - he is where he is for a reason. It has to play it's course or else you're bringing home a half healed person. He NEEDS to go through this and unfortunately you have to watch him do it. icannot imagine the tug at the heartstrings but you have to be strong for him, for both of you. My boyfriend is in the process of signing into theboard and I hope once he gets set up he can put his 2 cents in as well. Kudos for being strong and doing what is best for difficult child. Not easy!!!!!!! - but it is the right thing to do for both of you. Hopefully when he does come home he will keep all of this in mind and you can both continue your journey together in peace. Keep us posted!!!