I need advice ASAP

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by sooooo tired, May 29, 2015.

  1. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

    My daughter texted me today with an apology and told me she is still hurt because I wont let her move in with me but she is sorry about what she said and she still loves me....how do i reply? because I was almost looking forward to a break from her...sounds mean but my life is so much calmer without her in it. Thats my problem I never know how to respond to her!! I dont wanna say awww thats ok...because its not,but yet I feel like I need to respond with something!! I have aleays been so weak when it comes to her, I wish I could toughen up and not let her bother me. I dont know how to be close too her, I am always walking on egg shells around her and I cringe every time my phone rings and I know its her! I dont know how to be a part of her life because I hate the life she is living!!! Im so confused!!!! I need advise
  2. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    It helped us to know in advance what we would need to see from our child before we would help.

    What would that be, for you?

    What you need to be strong enough to know where you stand is in this statement.

    What are the changes you need to see before you will recommit to this child's unfolding story? Right now, she has taken your story her way. This is both your stories. This is the story of your life with this child. If you were writing this story, what would the mother, the best, strongest mother, the mother who comes through it and the child who comes through it ~ what would that mother know about what she needs to see from her child before she will continue with detachment parenting?

    Or, will that mother choose detachment parenting?

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  3. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    Respond with I love you too. I completely understand not wanting her in your life right now. Lil and I are grateful when our son doesn't contact us for a while because its peaceful. During these times you don't have to deal with the drama, the crap, the utter :censored2: storm that our children tend to create. Until you learn to deal with it, your best responses are probably short, simple, noncommittal phrases. This will help you to stay out of the drama as much as possible.

    Here is the thing though, only you know your daughter so only you know how to deal with her. You might not like it but you do know how to deal with her. A big part of the reason we are all here is to get validation that we are doing what we need to do even though we hate the thought of having to do it. You will make mistakes. Learn from them, try not to repeat them, and live YOUR life not your daughters!
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  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I am guessing her remorse comes from wanting something from you. I admit I'm a cynic.

    I would respons in the "less is more" mode. "I love you too, honey. I know you can turn your life around." Period.
    I would not answer anymore texts. Sweet and simple. I believe in the power of NOT talking too much and not giving them openings to start on us.
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  5. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Short and sweet. Don't get yourself tangled back in her web.
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  6. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

    well I got sucker punched again!!!! I didnt get around to answering her back right away cuz I had my other grandbaby for the day, so she responded later with...well I guess my apology was not accepted then went into repeating her previous digs at me...I wish I had a mother I could talk to...you are never there for me emotionally. Now she is jealous of my other daughters baby....so she tells me to go be a great grandma to him cuz I am a hateful grandma to her children, she has four the two oldest only call me when they want something and she has a 12 year old daughter that lives with her dad, and she never sees her!! I am close to her 3 year old and he loves me dearly as I do him, but now its going to make it difficult for me to see him!! She told me I need to search my evil soul and find out who I really am! I need to go to church more because there is something really wrong with me!!! I am such a weak person, every time I think I am going to become a stronger person she buries me once again!! I just wish I could fall into someones arms and just cry my eyes out!I have given and given and tried to help for so long I cant say anything to change her thinking!!! I just know she is going to keep me from my grandson now and that breaks my heart!!! I feel like I will never get through this!!! I cant believe she honestly thinks the things she thinks about me are really true!! I feel so defeated! I just wanna die!
  7. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    She is just trying to make you react. Dont let her.
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I would not text or talk to this daughter again unless it is to say I hope you're doing well.

    That kind of verbal abuse is unacceptable and very sadly there is nothing you can do to make her let you see your grandchild. Perhaps therapy will help you learn to cope and accept that your daughter is sick and you can't change her.

    You WILL get through this. We are all here to help you. You should die for NOBODY, not this daughter especially. You do have another grandchild. You will ever forget your there year old, but do fawn all your love upon the one you CAN see without the drama and threat of losing him/her. Also, pleae,please be good to YOU and don't live yourself for your c hild or grandchildren. If you do that, there is no guarantee of happiness. You can't control others. You should in my opinion make yourself happy by doing the things you love with people who love and respect your good heart.

    I can not emphasize enough how lethal your daughter's tirades are to you. I have stopped reading anything that comes my way that is abusive. And I'm much better off because of it. Were you the one whose daughter may be borderline? If so, there is no reason to believe s he will ever change and it is best to get the help you need, to stay here with us so we can love ya, and to learn how to cope and to move on. You can't control the hate that comes from her. She is deliberately trying to destroy you. Don't let her do it.

    Set boundaries about what you will read from or listen to from her and make ti clear that if she is abusive to you, you will gently hang up the phone or delete the text before you finish reading it. Then do it. And be strong. Yes, I know, it's hard, but we have to do it for them as well as us. It isn't good for your daughter to get away with abusing her own mother. She needs to know there are ways to stop her from doing that.
  9. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

    Yes she fits all the signs of Borderline Personality!! I wish I had a significant other that loved me enough to see me through this. I had a boyfriend that helped me be strong and I loved him dearly! But he died 3 years ago of cancer. She never attacked me when I was with him because she new he would let her have it!!!!
  10. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    SoTired, first I'm sending you a ((HUG)).

    Your daughter is playing you. If her apology was sincere she would not have come back to you with such hatefulness. You did not respond to her in the way she expected so she is lashing out.
    You do not deserve to be treated with such disdain.

    It's time to stop walking on egg shells. It's time to stop allowing your daughter to hold your emotions hostage. She is trying to engage you into an argument.
    You see if our Difficult Child can't get us to do what they want like giving them money or letting them move in with us then they go on the attack. They will come at us with such hatred, accusing us of being the worst parent on the planet. They want us to weaken in our resolve, they want us question ourselves, they want to break us and if they can break us they can control us.

    You ARE strong enough to stand up against her. You are standing on firm ground not on egg shells.

    If it were me, I would limit contact with her. Again, she will try to engage you into an argument, don't let her do that. I would simply reply to her saying "I'm sorry you feel that way" and when she comes back with something else, just keep repeating the same thing. The same simple response. She will grow tired of it.

    You can do this. You are not alone. When those times come where you feel like you can't handle it remember all of us here, we are with you.
  11. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

    Thank you Tanya...this has been going on for 20 plus years it has to stop!!! If it were just her, it wouldn't be so hard. But to detach from her it makes it hard to see my grandson...and I love him soooo much! but now she is using him to hurt me too!
  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    And she will keep doing it. And there is nothing you an do about it.

    I feel for you so much and wish it weren't so, but if this daughter is in her 40's and hasn't had an "aha" moment yet, it is unlikely she thinks she needs to change or else she likes her manipulative, hateaful ways. And you can't control her, but you can control what you do with your life. Unfortunately, it involves a grandchild, but people like this continuously use their grandchildren against us and legally they can.

    No matter how nice tyou are, this daughter is going to slap you down with venom.

    Please think of yourself first this time and see your grandchild if offered, but sadly don't let her know how important he is to you. The more important she thinks he is to you, the more viciously she will use him to control and hurt you and t hen withdraw him.

    Try to look for the peace and happiness of each day, and focus off of this daughter...even though it includes your grandchild. You are at her mercy whether or not you see him, but begging to THIS daughter will make you look weak and will probably give her satisfaction. For some reason, she wants to tear you apart.
  13. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    You are here with us, now. We are all in different places in our healing and in our learning to stand up to people we love who treat us badly. I am much like you in that regard. I seem to see the other person's point of view ~ what they need, why they might have behaved a certain way. I do, and maybe you do too, need to learn how to believe with all my heart that I merit being treated well, and to speak up right away when I am not being treated well. It feels like I am so aware of the other person's emotional reality that I respond to that sense of upset than I do to the words they say, even if they are way out of line. I am not sure why I do that, but I do know it would be better for everyone ~ for me, and for my family, too ~ if I could see how things evolve more clearly, and in a less other-centered way. It seems that your boyfriend protected you in the way my D H protects me. I would be vulnerable in so many ways if he were not here to stand up for me.

    I am working on myself so I can learn to recognize it when I am being victimized or verbally abused. It's like I don't even see it when things begin to be out of balance. If I could recognize when things are getting out of balance sooner, and if I could see that, however they feel about it, the other person is not coming from a healthy, loving place, then I would be able to respond appropriately before the situation gets to crisis point.

    I am working to recognize that it is not my fault when things do get to crisis point, and to stop taking responsibility for "fixing" things. There is a phrase we use here on the site that helps me see with more clarity: It is what it is. Implicit in that phrase, in those words, is the understanding that I did not create this bad (or good) situation alone. The other person bears equal responsibility, and I cannot fix it for them. And sometimes, I cannot even fix it, for me. Which means there is nothing I have to do, or even, that I can do when bad things happen, but take care of me and try not to hurt anyone else, and just be there and stay present and accept that, for right now, it is what it is.

    That has been a valuable thing for me to know.

    The concept of detachment parenting has been helpful to me in this regard. There is an article on detachment parenting pinned to the top of the Parent Emeritus site. If you haven't read it yet, I think you might find some of the concepts outlined there helpful in changing the way you think about your interactions with your child.

    I am sorry this is happening in your family.

    Sometimes, we need to learn that we cannot change what they are doing. We may not even know why they are doing what they do. We need to learn how to take ourselves out of that circle of worry and guilt and fixing.

    It just is what it is.

    And we need to learn to be okay with that, for now.

    And that is a surprisingly hard thing for me to do.

    But I am learning it, and that is working well for me, and for my family, too.

    This is not true. You are very much there for this child, or you would not feel badly enough about it to have searched for and found us and this site.

    So this is one of those things that is her business or her opinion, or is a statement designed to hurt you to the point that your attention will focus only on her. Maybe, she is jealous, not because she has a legitimate point, but because she is angry when anyone else in your family has your love and attention.

    So, she is wrong, in this case. There is not a way for you to change how she sees things. So, you are okay then to do nothing for right now, not even to feel badly, or to consider her point of view. You are everyone in your family's mother and grandmother. That is how it is supposed to be. Everyone all together creating family, not one person always trying to focus your attention and concern exclusively on her and her children, to the exclusion of the other children and grands.

    That happens in my family, too.

    You have a right and a responsibility to love all your grands, and to see them as often as you like, without defending yourself to your daughter. It's like she is threatening to punish you if you don't turn away from your other grands and only be grandmother to hers.

    She is very wrong to do this to you, and to them.

    Even if she cannot get you to turn away from them, to exclude them so she and her child can be like, the sole survivors, she destroys the good feelings you should be cherishing right now from having spent that time with your other grand.

    So everyone loses, and she gets to be the king of the family and everyone else gets to not matter. And that is a hurtful thing, for everyone but the daughter.

    Even her own child is a victim.

    Actually, this is not true, either.

    Another lie from this daughter.

    I think you are not weak. You are like me. I have no problem at all with saying what is true once I see it. Maybe that is why the daughter said such horrible things about your essential self, about your being evil, and about your needing to go to church more.

    Since she said "more", I think I hear that your spirituality is an important part of who you are. That is why her attack this time was worded as it was. Your church and your spirituality must be a reliable source of great strength to you.

    This daughter wants you vulnerable to her, and without any source of strength, it seems like to me. She wants you to feel foolish, and to question the one place you feel strong, now that your protector, the man you loved and who loved you, is gone.

    Do you think that could be true?

    I am not so spiritual that I can claim to know enough about religious things with any certainty, but my sister is. She says those same kinds of things to me that your daughter does to you, but from the superior position of someone who knows more than me, and is right ~ about me, and about everything.

    Maybe your daughter is doing the same kind of thing.

    My sister told me once, after I finally figured out what was going on and said so, that she walked with the Lord and that perhaps He would mend our relationship, because she was done.

    So, there you go.

    So far? The Lord seems to have been pretty much on my side, lately.


    There is another concept I learned here on the site. It is called "catastrophizing". That is when we believe our abusers and then, believe the worst thing they threaten us with is what is really going to happen. And it might happen that way? But it probably won't.

    And even if it does, we won't be able to fix that. Your daughter really could take her children out of your life.

    But you cannot fix what she does. Part of the reason she threatens you this way is because she wants you broken.

    I don't know why. It has nothing to do with you. Mental illness or personality disorder, so they say, have to do with genetics. So when we tell one another, here on the site, that we did not do this and so, we cannot fix this, that is a true thing. And we can take a small measure of comfort there, and stop bending over backwards to fix it.

    When we are in the thick of it with someone who is abusing us, and who is using our love and our good will and our gratitude at our blessings to hurt us, we become confused and so sad and search so desperately and with almost single focus to find the thing we did that was hurtful or wrong. When we do not find that thing? That is how we can know we are dealing with an abusive person.

    Not to name call or judge them, but just to know our true situation. That way, our response to them and to the situations they create will be correct.

    This happens in my family, too. Those same patterns are happening now between myself and my own mother and my sister.

    So this has been so helpful to me, to see myself in your situation, so I can be stronger, too.

    I wish us both well, and I am glad you found the site, too.

  14. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    What SWOT said is so true. If your daughter knows how much your grandson mean to you she will use it against you. Our Difficult Child are very good at looking for our soft vulnerable spots and then they poke them with a sharp stick.

    My son abandoned his children, my grandchildren. I am very blessed that their mother and I have a good relationship. I love my grandchildren like crazy but they live 2000 miles from me and I only get to see them once a year. My point is this; you do not have to see your grandchildren to love them. Sure I wish I could see them more often but I will take what I can get.

    It's a blessing to be able to love someone, to be able to give of ourselves but it's vital that we don't lose ourselves in the process. Do not let your life be defined by who you love or who loves you. You have to live your life for yourself.

    We have to make the best of what we are given but we must make sure we take care of ourselves first. Be good to yourself.

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  15. Iwantpeace

    Iwantpeace Member

    Soooo tired,
    First I want to say how sorry I am for the loss of your boyfriend. I so relate to you saying you wish you could fall into someone's arms and cry. It's hard to go through this alone, at times I have found myself reading these post thinking, they have a husband, someone to confide with or even to tell you everything will be okay.

    We have the boarderline personality thing in common, at least that was the latest thing my Difficult Child told me he was diagnosed with and then proceeded to tell me it's all my fault. He also told me I was evil and some of the things your daughter says to you. Now, all this is always said with such hate and extreme, scary anger. Also, how I will never see my grandson, I will die alone and even that he hopes I die. One threat after another. I also have cried out on this site because of my agony over my grandson, who is my one and only. The only way I can console myself is knowing my grandson won't have to see his father treat me like that.
    I literally scream in the car at times while driving because it hits me sometimes and I can't take missing my grandson.

    SWOT is so right when she says don't let her know how much it bothers you because she will use it. I always act like all his threats didn't bother me from threatening to kill me, wouldn't it be ashame if my house burned down while I was sleeping, how you can get someone to do anything for money. Of course inside I was in terror but I have never acknowledged any of it.

    You've gotten some great advice from others and I can't add much but how I am making it right now is his number is blocked!! This is a must for me right now. I have to have some peace to recover. I use the tools I have learned on this site, I make myself smile even when I don't want to because it releases endorphins. I do self talk out loud like a crazy person (at home). As much as I wish I didn't have to work, it does help. I see people on the street sometimes in such bad situations that I find myself thinking how much worse my life could be, then I am grateful. I think I will start a gratitude journal, to help shift my focus. Moment to moment changes. I can be feeling strong one moment and then I am hit with a reminder of why I can't go on. I do have a little motto I say, I will fake it until I make it.

    My bigget source is God. Don't want to sound preachy but I know also that He will see me through this. I just need to remember it all the time. He has rescued me in my past so I have no doubt He will do it again. We are all stronger than we think we are. We are all blessed to have found this group.

    You are not alone, we care, keep posting.......IWP
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  16. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

    OMG we sound like twins!!! I was married for 20 years and my husband left me for the girl at work...I too went back to school at 49 and now am a medical assistant for a dermatologist and I love it but I am 61 now and probably will have to work forever, as you say! My biggest source is also GOD my favorite words all day are God give me strength!!! and Jesus take the wheel!! I too walk around the house talking and screaming to myself!! When I met my ex my Difficult Child was 6 and had really never given me any problems, then we had 2 more children and everything started to spiral downhill with her because he favored his 2 kids over her and she knew it. Then she got pregnant her senior year and he totally disowned her and she began her roll as Difficult Child. She married the baby daddy but that was over within 2 years, she then went on to make a series of bad mistakes...to make it short she has 4 kids by 4 guys and now things are bad with this guy an she wants to move in with me ...I said NO and thats why she is on the warpath right now. She has never held a job and does nothing to try to help herself...she will be 40 in February,and of course this is all my fault, funny thing is sometimes I think it is!!!
  17. Iwantpeace

    Iwantpeace Member

    Soooo tired, Did you say you lived in your mothers house? I'm not sure. I bought my mothers house from my siblings when she passed.
  18. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

    Yes I live in the house I grew up in, I am an only child so my mom left it to me. I did have it remodeled though. It is just a 2 bedroom ranch but it is MINE and I could not stand to have my Difficult Child live with me..I would probly end up dead !!
  19. Iwantpeace

    Iwantpeace Member

    Soooo tired,
    Well my Difficult Child did live with me until a few months ago. I found out that he had actually told people his name was on my home. Because of some of the threats and damage Ive had done to my home I have one foot in the door and one foot out. I actually have some boxes packed and have been getting prepared to sell my house. I feel like he will always think he has some sort of claim on this house. I don't really want to sell but I don't know if he just makes threats or if he could snap. I have a room for my grandchild and a house full of toys. I don't know what to do. I'm also attached because it was my mothers house. I'm in a frozen state right now in limbo.

    After all this I love and miss my son and who he was.
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  20. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Detachment can go beyond our Difficult Child. I have come to understand that being overly attached to anything can be unhealthy. I learned this back when my son was a teenager and on a regular basis he would ransack my home. I had some art pieces that my parents had given to me that my son destroyed, among other things. I was heartbroken and beyond angry. It took time but I started to look at what I was angry about. I was angry at my son for what he did but this was the beginning of my realizing that my attachment to the art and other things he destroyed was tied to my emotions. I was giving power to my emotions and not in a good way. Things and possessions are all temporary but our memories are with us always. I can't replace the gifts my parents gave me that my son destroyed but I can close my eyes and go back to when they gave them to me.

    When I watch the news and they show families that have lost their homes to tornado's or floods, I watch the people and how they react. There are some that are just completely devastated and there are the ones who while very upset are realistic and talk about how what's important is that they survived and a house can be rebuilt.

    IWP, selling the house is an opportunity for a completely fresh start. Remember, the memories are always with you.

    Take your time in making your decision. Make a list of the pro's and con''s, sometimes seeing it on paper helps.
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