i need advice asap!!!!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by sooooo tired, Feb 6, 2016.

  1. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

    Daughter just called and told me she is leaving her boyfriend and that i need to pick up her and my grandson she says she is being tortured and she dont care if I can handle it or not she needs me to help her. I know Im going to walk right into full blown war, and it makes me a nervous wreck!! I only feel bad for my grandson. I dont know what to do HELP PLEASE
  2. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I'd offer to take the grandson and let her find somewhere to stay on her own. If there is violence, call the police before you get there. Take care of yourself. Daughter is 39. She is acting like she is 9. Yes, yes, I know it's hard.
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  3. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    She has options. She can call the police. She can take a taxi to a woman's shelter. She can take a taxi to the police station. She can call CPS and ask for an emergency placement for your grandchild. She can take a taxi to a friend's house, or to your house, if you decide you want to accept her temporarily. She can take a taxi to a neutral spot, like a cafe, where you can talk, the two of you and you can assist her to make a plan.

    There are so many options that she has. If her goal was to not manipulate you and to put you in a dangerous, crisis situation. That may not even exist. But you would be there under her control and his.

    I would not go to the house. It is dangerous for you and it will not protect her or your grandson. Think about it. Are you really equipped with either the physical prowess or the crisis management skills to handle an explosive situation with a potentially violent man and a compliant woman who is also seeking to make everything the responsibility of others, namely you?
    I would never, ever go, if I were you. I would call her and suggest any one of the options I have identified, and others are likely to provide. I would not go.

    Very calmly tell her it would in your opinion put her and your grandson in greater danger.
    Of course you do. But she is the mother. How will it help him putting yourself at risk, and in an explosive situation over which you have no control, that might explode in such a way that he will see, or worse?

    In sum. I would not go. I would suggest that you did not.

    If this man is as she describes him, your daughter needs to make some decisions. If you feel your grandson is at risk, consider calling Child Protective Services, if she does not take constructive and responsible action, which does not put you and her and the baby at further risk.

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    Last edited: Feb 6, 2016
  4. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

    thank you guys I love you all !!
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  5. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    This is the absolute farthest I'd recommend going.

    Does she need help? Maybe.
    Spelling out for her the options, giving her phone numbers, addresses, information... that IS help. If she really wants help, she will accept that kind of help. It doesn't have to be YOU taking the load.
  6. 4now

    4now Member

    Some wise person once told me that there are people and agencies that are much better equipped to help your Difficult Child than the parents. Especially if your Difficult Child is over 30. Mine is almost 35 and I'm finding this to be absolute truth. Let the authorities help.
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  7. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

    She was just over at my house this morning and my other daughter and i were giving her options and numbers, her only reply was....I am NOT taking my son to a shelter!!! We told her that there were people there that could help her, I still feel like I am suppose to do something even though I really dont want to get in the middle of this!!!
  8. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

  9. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    She has the option of calling the domestic violence shelters - ones that are set up for and prepared to take moms with kids. It's not just "a shelter". And I sort of agree - not wise to take a young kid into a regular shelter environment. But there are OPTIONS. CPS may be able to help, or point in a right direction.

    But if the only option she will accept is that YOU give her exactly what she wants and when she wants it, then... I'd be tempted to see the whole scenario as more likely manipulation. Not that there isn't any truth to the picture, but rather... if it was exactly as pictured, she would be open to real options. After all, you're over 60. You won't be around and/or able and/or in your own home for all that many more years. And then what. At some point, she has to start working with what is available for options.
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  10. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    No you should not do anything. You should let the authotities or community workers do something. What will happen when you are no longer here and she has no idea how to help herself or her child and she is 50 years old?
    I now agree not to go there at all. Do call cps. The baby needs protection, not an able bodied 39 year old.
    Hope it doesnt sound too harsh. Your daughter, her choices, her demands along with her age angered me. You can no longer do squat for her without harming yourself.
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  11. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

    Thank you !!!!!!!
  12. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Of course, she can do what she chooses, up to a point.

    It may be that she (or you) need to decide between different levels and kinds of risks.

    If the man is indeed violent and abusive, action must be taken by a responsible person. I would take her at her word: he is violent and abusive. Then, you need to take action if she will not. That is to call Child Protective Services. A mother cannot handle, should not handle a violently explosive situation.

    I think the course of action for me would be clear: To make a report to Child Protective Services, anonymously, if you choose. If she, the mother, will not take protective action herself.

    Of course all of this could be a manipulation. To damage and to control you. To make you feel bad and to respond, so she can have complete control over you. Perhaps she and the man. Using her child as bait. If this is the case, it would make me want to call CPS even more. Because she will continue using and misusing her child more and more, in dangerous ways. The baby will soon get older and know.

  13. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Sooo tired, please let us know how things are going. One thing I have learned is that nothing is an emergency for me when it comes to Difficult Child. If there is danger or someone is bleeding, that is what 911 is for. Call them, and then I can gather my thoughts and decide what my role is or if there is any role for me at all.

    At 39 years old, she needs to figure her own life and her own problems out. If you keep being the person on the other end of the phone for her, that can't happen.

    That said, I know it's hard not to get caught up in the moment, and if you did, there is no shame there.

    Let us know how you are!
  14. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Soooootired, I am in the same situation. My daughter and three grands live with her boyfriend /"baby daddy." He can be extremely abusive. The same "crisis" mentality phone calls worked me into a frenzy for years.
    I finally realized after her last ugly exodus five months ago, that I am not equipped to help her, or my grands.
    I also figured out that she had been using my grands as pawns, all along using our love for them to keep us involved.

    This is what I decided.
    If she calls again with a similar story to your daughters,
    I will call 911 and I will call CPS.

    I am not equipped to deal with this problem.

    When police get DV calls they routinely send several units because of the risk.

    Do not go there. Call 911.

    Call CPS.

    They will investigate. They will most likely drug test. Your daughter will have to go to counseling. If she tests positive, she will have to either go to rehab, or be tested weekly. This happened to my daughter.

    I will not allow my daughter to live in my home.
    I will tell her to go to a domestic abuse shelter. There, she can get counseling and so can my grandbabies. They need it. She can get job training.

    At my house, none of this would happen. I endanger myself because her boyfriend comes over. They fight. There is drama and chaos. SHE chooses to live this way.

    I do not have to.

    You are not the only person who can help your daughter. It is easier for them to live in our homes because they will not follow rules.
    In a DV shelter, there are rules.
    They do not like rules.

    Breathe, think about what is happening. Your daughter is pulling at your heartstrings and using you.
    This is not fair or right.
    She is trying to draw you into her drama so that you will run at the snap of her fingers. This is unacceptable.

    It is hard, we do not want to see our kids or grands in harms way.
    It is not our responsibility to be the savior. There are agencies who can step in.

    Step back and think.

    I agree with what the others have advised, do not go to the house.
    Call authorities.
    It is the right thing to do.
    One day, I may be asking the same question.

    I hope you will remind me to do the same.

    You can do this, you are not alone, we are all here.

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  15. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

    such good advice!! I really needed to hear this. My daughter is very nice and loving for a few months...priming me for the day when she has her meltdowns. I am beginning to see a pattern here!!!
  16. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    I echo the above good advice, ST. I think your daughter needs to solve this one herself. I think there are agencies that are much better equipped to handle these types of things. They have seen it many times before, and they are impartial enough to not get pulled this way and that, the way we do as parents.
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  17. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member


    Please don't go over there!

    If you think your daughter or grandson are in danger, call the authorities.

    You are not equipped to handle this.

    Remember that domestic situations are classified by the police as very dangerous situations. You never know what you are going to walk in to, and drugs, alcohol, and emotions are a volatile mix. They are the professionals. Let them handle this.

    In fact, this may be a blessing in disguise. Maybe it will give your daughter and grandson a chance to get off of this merry-go-round. Maybe if she is confronted by the authorities, your daughter will be held accountable to give your grandson a better home life. She is not held accountable now, but acts as if she is a victim. She must acknowledge her part in this fiasco.

    Stay safe, keep us in the loop.

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  18. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Yes Soooootired, you are correct, you are being primed. Greased. It is a pattern.
    Until we change our response, their pattern does not change. They begin to have expectations of us. WE become more responsible for their problems, than they are.
    This is not right.
    They are adults.
    In fact my daughter reminded me of that. " I am an adult, I will do what I want."
    I said
    "Not in my house."
    It took me awhile to see all of this Soootired, my head was so spun around and my heart so broken by what was happening that I could not think straight.

    We have to be able to think straight, stand on our feet. We are battle weary. Soldiers take R and R. Are you able to get away and relax?
    It is imperative my friend.
    I know how heart wrenching all of this is.
    But you know what? Our daughters are very clever. They know just what to say and just where to get us.
    So, we need to be even smarter. Build yourself up, strengthen yourself. Understand your role, you have done your parenting.
    You have probably talked to her until you are blue in the face, to no avail.
    Been there, done that.
    I think after awhile we sound like the teacher on Charlie Brown to them, Remember "wahwahwahwahwah....."
    Sooooootired, you will be okay.
    We will be each other's back up.
    Some day, one day, I will get that phone call and I will be needing you to give me a swift kick in the butt.

    Promise me you will kick my butt, Soootired.
    I will need to be on my guard.
    You too.
    Put on your shield.
    We are both warriors, sisters in arms.
    Build yourself up and learn all you can.
    I will too.
    Bolster your armory, so the next time you get a call, you are ready.
    I will too.
    I am rooting for us.
    We will no longer be dragged around by our daughters.
    We can do this.
  19. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I'm coming in a little late on this. You have received some good advice. I agree that you should do nothing.
    Your daughter says that she will not take her son to a "shelter" yet she has no problem letting this child live in the same house with the abusive boyfriend. I understand that she is in a very troubling situation and it's of her own doing. She is still trying to manipulate you into helping her.
    I can appreciate how hard this is for you but I hope you will step back from it.
    I'm sending you lots of positive energy and a really BIG ((HUG))
  20. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

    Well I just got a call from my other daughter, she went out there and brought my grandson home with her! She is my little life saver! I have no idea what is going on at dcs house but I have not heard from her. I worry but I gotta let it go I know!! Thanks for being there and I promise I will try to be of help if any of you need it!! I just feel I am so new to this process that I dont have much strength to help anyone else, but I will get there with all of you keeping my head straight!
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