I need advice on how to be different

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Steely, Dec 5, 2009.

  1. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    So, I really need some help figuring out how to process things in life without reacting to the past. The only way I can explain it is to compare it to a physical injury. I feel like I have been severely burned and when someone is poking me in the same spot as the burn - I scream. I don't want to scream, but it hurts, and I am afraid they are going to burn me again, and I want to run or strangle them.

    The problem is is that this is affecting my entire life at this point it seems. I feel like 70% of my body has been burned, and life is constantly threatening to burn me again. If it is a guy, I am triggered by all of my failed and hurtful past relationships. If it is work I am triggered by my past failures. If it is friendships, I am triggered by Hs death. If it is a something to do with Matt then I am triggered by everything and anything. If it is my parents.........well......you get the point. It seems that I spend most of my time lately in a defense mode.

    Lately I feel like my enormous whirlpool of issues has come together and solidified. I used to feel like they were in the past, and separate, and I had control over whether or not they surfaced - but given the stress of the last 2 months - everything has collided. Work, Matt, friendships, relationships.........and I walk around feeling completely teary and spacey in order to just keep all of this at an arm's length enough to function.

    So what advice do you guys have? What do you do to quell these types of triggers? How do you remain peaceful, despite feeling like you want to strangle someone when they duplicate a past life issues? How do you completely re-shift your paradigm so that life is not like living in a war zone?
  2. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Steely, I think it will take good therapy with a therapist who specializes in women's ptsd. It might seem odd, but you might be able to find one thru agencies who work with addiction counseling- mainly because many women with ptsd come from very dysfunctional families and end up addicted to something. Or, even better, call tdocs associated with domestic violence and tell them you are trying to find an expert on ptsd in women. That's just MHO. Good luck!

    'ETA: I say this because these tdocs can teach how to refocus your own thinking- so even when you start having thinking that sabatoges your own happiness, you learn how to turn it around. But, there are mental processes that are necessary first and in my experience, only a specialized therapist can lead a person thru those.
  3. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Can you remember a time since before your sister's horrid death that you were at peace or even somewhat happy? It's been 2 yrs or so hasn't it? Not 2 months for sure.
    I think klmno, makes a good suggestion. Your trauma or whirlwind emotions have been really creating a lot of chaos in your life for quite a while. Maybe getting some help with refocusing your thinking and how to use tools to prevent you from sabotaging your life, work, relationships and ultimately happiness. Learning tools to interrupt the thinking that makes you so unhappy would be a good thing.

    I don't believe the memory of severe trauma ever goes away completely but when it prevents you from moving forward to have a life then it has to be dealt with or the trauma wins.

    I hope you can find what you need to help you have the life you want.
  4. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Yes, I was very happy for 6 months once I moved to AZ. Then my best friend/boss moved and Matt's program told me I could only talk to him one time a week. Two more losses. And it is Cmas time.

    Therapy is a great idea, but the resources here are extremely limited. I am looking for other ideas that you guys have found to help besides just traditional therapy.
  5. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Then I would finding some books at the library or book store on this. I would NOT go to a typical therapist- but that's just me. Most tdocs only know enough to be dangerous and cause more harm in this area, in my humble opinion. This has been my problem with them. But really, this problem is much deeper than an easy answer can "fix" and you need support ITRW going thru it. I'd even look and try to find a verifiable, competent online therapist.
  6. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    I might start doing phone sessions with my old therapist. Somehow though I need to find a soul-ish cure. Like those people that become a monk, or travel the world.........you know? I was in therapy for 7 years, and although it helped in the moment, it has not stuck. I don't want to be in therapy for the rest of my life. It seems like every time I turn around I am thrown another obstacle, and somewhere inside of me, I feel like maybe I can stop that through some type of power of positive thinking - or epiphany - or intervention. You know what I mean?

    I remember meeting this lady when I was 18, and she had had the worst life scenarios I had ever encountered. Just one thing after another. And I remember thinking - she must have somehow done something - made some sort of lifestyle choices that kept the momentum of bad events going in her life. That is where I am at today. I feel like somehow I have kept the momentum going - and yet I have no idea how to stop it.
  7. Marcie Mac

    Marcie Mac Just Plain Ole Tired

    Steely, I would really highly suggest that you get the book/tape called "The Secret" which has to do with the Laws of Attraction in the Universe - you could probably get it at the library. I used to have the link for the full length video, but its been taken off- I checked Youtube and did find the first 20 minutes of it [ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_b1GKGWJbE8"]YouTube- The Secret: 1st 20 minutes[/ame]

    I gotta tell you, my SO was a ball of negativity due to his illness. His attitude was his whole life consisted of ****, he was in the hospital all the time, he couldn't work, he was balloning due to medications - everything had a negative spin and he was always anticipating the next blow. This movie really changed a lot of his attitude. There is a part in it about a Gratitude Rock. After watching it, we went to the park and he found a rock for his pocket -Its a physical reminder when you touch it to just think of something positive and mentally say Thank You. It took him a few months to get it -every time he started with the negative thoughts spin, I would ask him where his rock was, and his hand would start towards the pocket where his rock (pebble really) resided.

    It may seem hokey to some but it works. Being very into metaphysical stuff myself, I am never without my crystal thats my "rock" I have worn constantly for the past 20 years or so. When things start getting kinda hairy for me, my hand always goes to it and I am not even aware of doing it anymore - its my representation of "good" vibes its an automatic reaction.

    There is no religious connentation behind it - just the power of positive thinking

  8. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    I wouldn't normally suggest these things, but this is a very close friend of Jeff's. Jeff went to college with Darren. He is wonderful and we are thinking of seeing him when he comes back to Sedona. He wants to work with K.
    Darren worked on Jeff when he was looking at surgery for his back in early the 90's. He is a Chiropractor as well as a healer and spiritual guide.
    Jeff was able to avoid surgery and he is not a "hippy" kind of guy! LOL

    Darren has people that he works with and that have trained under him all over AZ. He is thinking of relocating his center from Chicago to AZ because of the "energy" and the amount of people that flock here.
    Jeff honestly believes in him and he doesn't say that lightly. LOL
    You can check out his sight and look at CLP's in the area.
    He will be in Sedona in January and then later back in Phoenix.
    Darren has studied in Sri Lanka and his therapies are extensive. But he is also a pretty cool guy who you could sit and have a beer with and just shoot the ----- with.

    It might be worth checking it out just to see how it makes you feel or looking at one of his books.

    Here is one of his beliefs:
    The journey of your spirit is to reconnect with the power of Infinite Love & Gratitude.

    Infinite means "the universe" or "the collective conscious," which has no beginning or end.

    Love is the universal power that propels life, fueling your will and enabling you to face and overcome challenges.

    Gratitude empowers you to go through life without judgment. You see the value of any experience (even situations you may have once perceived as "bad") as an opportunity, rather than being a victim of circumstance.
    Last edited: Dec 5, 2009
  9. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    I have been dealt some really stinging blows during my life. My parents were horrible parents----my first husband was an abusing louse----husband is a recovering addict---difficult child is mentally ill, an addict, and has a skewed view of life----even my easy child's are not perfect and have made horrible choices. But the choices that my parents, my ex, my husband, and my children make have nothing to do with the kind of person I am.

    I think the key to my not being stuck in those moments is understanding that I am not responsible for the choices that others make...I can only control myself and my reactions to the choices of others. As long as I am making good, responsible choices, I can be happy with my life. Others choices affect me only as much as I allow them too.

    I am happy with who I am.
    I am constantly stepping outside of the box and exploring life around me. I keep myself busy learning and growing.
    I give of myself to others without expecting anything in return.

    I once read a book, an old one, entitled Happiness is a Choice. I also have studied a lot of Steven Covey and a few years ago read and watched The Secret.

    I have faith in a Higher Power who I know will carry me through whatever life throws my way. I forgive others and myself readily and without prejudice because I know I have been forgiven.
  10. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Last edited: Dec 6, 2009
  11. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I don't know about advise per say. But Lord knows I've survived more abuse/trauma than one human being ought to ever have to......

    I had to really think about this. Cuz somehow I always come bouncing back. Oh, it may take me a while........but eventually I get there. And I was a little surprised when I took a good hard look at myself / my life.

    I get mad. Anger can be a good thing. It can give you the strength to do what you need to do for yourself when you're certain you can't possibly do it.

    Like I said, don't know really if this is advice or not. But you ask what we do.

  12. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    Marcie Mac, that video was inspiring. It's given me a lot to think about. I wish the library was open today for me to rent the full version. Now I have something positive to think about!!

    Steely...I think you have my number. Give me a call, girlfriend. Before that, think of the most fun thing you've ever done. If you don't have my number just pm me. I have the day off!!! Wahoo!

  13. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Steeley, my dear.....life after a traumatic unexpected death combined with the day in/day out parenting of a difficult child & making a life change in the big move you've done recently....well, let's just say that you can lost in all these life events. You lose "you" in all the things, illnesses, etc, etc, etc.

    I've spent this year grieving over husband, watching my difficult children spiral out of control while trying to remodel my home to make it functional for me. Add in all the mtgs, etc I too have lost myself.

    I'm turning to a more spiritual way of life. I'm looking deep into my life & see what it's okay to let go of what I want to keep & everything in between.

    I'm turning to the most peaceful things/most therapeutic things I can do. Painting & piano (especially in winter), taking care of my little backyard bird sanctuary - making sure my birds are fed & well.

    I've gotten out the books that so enlightened me as I was growing up - Gibran's The Prophet, A Treasury of Poetry - even started reading The New Yorker again.

    Little things make a big difference. A very big difference.

    Take care lady.

  14. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    I was just reading The Prophet the other day! :)
    I love his words....
  15. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Thank you guys...........you all hit the nail on the head. These are the types of thing I needed.
    I need a spiritual revolution of sorts.
    I have The Secret & I am going to re-read it.
    Toto I am going to look that guy up since he is so close.
    I truly believe I am going through this period in time so that I will be forced to find myself & to find my destiny in life - rather than staying lost. I just have to find the path way and mechanism to do that. Pain is a catalyst for change, and I know I will continue to feel it until I find the answer.
    Hugs to you all.:peaceful: