I need advice

[totiredtofight]

It has been awhile since i have posted and a lot of things have happened
difficult child 2 v is now on geodone and wellbutrin abut things havent been going so well she has been removed from public school because they feel she is a danger do to her attacking staff and students she now has a probation officer and could be looking at 6 charges of assult one that could be bumped up to a felony and she is only 10
on her second visit to her new therapist she told the therapist that her dad had touched her, childservies and the police were called in to investagate and a 7 day protective order was out in place to keep him out of the home when we came home from the interview with child services she was crying saying "its all my fault i want to kill myself i want my daddy" the next day she was fine until i refused to let her go to her friends house she then said "ill call the woman from child services and tell her you beat me so you can go to jail". after we both calmed down she wanted her dad home .. the next day which was the 3rd day of the protective order she overheard me on the phone talking about the possibility of divorcing my hubs she came into the room crying and said " i lied ok .. i planned it all .. i thought therapist would just call you and tell you what i said and you and dad would send me to residental"
everytime she is angry with one of us "send me to residental" or "send me to a foster home" comes out of her mouth i dont understand why she wants to be sent away so badly so last night we sent her to the psychiatric hospital and hubs is still out of the house i dont know what to do with this situation or who to believe

 

[BusynMember]

Hi there. I'm so sorry this is happening. It must be very hard for you.

It would be very helpful to us if you did a signature, like the one I have done below. That way it can jog our memories. As it is, I can't remember much about your situation. Is your child, by any chance, adopted?

 

[totiredtofight]

no bio child of mine, step child of husband.. which makes this so much harder

 

[BusynMember]

I am REALLY sorry. I have no idea where he'd even get the idea to call social services and lie about abuse. Was his biological father abusive?

This child can get you both into a lot of trouble (until social services figures her out). Have you thought of sending her to a residential treatment center? Maybe her desire to be out of the house is because she's afraid of what she will do if she is there. Maybe she feels out of control and WANTS more controls than you and husband could possibly give her.

 

[totiredtofight]

when i spoke to the therapist that she told this to after her 2nd visit ..the therapist informed me that difficult child 2 asked her not to tell me for fear of me disowning her (which i dont understand because she was raped by a family member at age 5 and i put him in jail) and that she(therapist) believed what difficult child 2 said beacuse of not only her words but her body languge.. then the therapist asked me if i thought this could have been going on for awhile( i am always home and they are never in a room alone they only make fast runs to walmart alone together)and that difficult child 2 always wanting to go to residential was her way of escaping but if that were the case then why when she is angry at me does she tell me to send her away or threatens to put me in jail ??? I just dont get it .. has something been happening that i was to blind to see after all they are only in the house without me when either im outside smoking or asleep or in the shower .. they are never in closed rooms together and my other children are almost always around unless they are at school .. yes difficult child 2 is 10 and refuses to sleep in her room she will only sleep on the floor next to my bed ... im sooo lost in all this .. or is she just really sick of being different and wants to get help as she tells me after all when i ask her in calm moments why she wants to be sent to res. she says "i need help and i know i can get it there'

 

[BusynMember]

Well, we adopted a child who sexually acted out on my two younger kids for three years. We were always home. I had no idea, nor did hub. Do I feel guilty? YES!!!! I don't know how I didn't know, but he did hide himself well and scare the kids so badly that t hey were afraid to rat him out. Sexual predators are VERY sneaky and scary.

That child is long gone, but he did what he did and we all had to go for intensive counseling, etc...it was horrible.

 

[TeDo]

Wow! difficult child 1 used to always want to "be sent away" because he thought it would be better (more fun, less rules) than at home. He got so out of control once that I actually did send him to a short-term residential setting for a week at. It was over a 4 day week-end. He went to their school for 3 days but because he was so short-term, they didn't require him to do much of anything. He loved it there until he found out he had to EARN privileges and if he didn't, he was left behind.

Now, when he gets upset with me, he tells me he wants to go back there. I think he forgets about the time he spent alone while others got to go fishing and to movies. He just knows he wants to be anywhere but here.

As for the abuse, my boys were sexually abused at 3-1/2 years old. difficult child 1 still has the "body language" 10 years later. He is very "body protective" because of the abuse AND the Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD). If he were to make that claim today, someone might say the same thing. BUT I would believe him until it was PROVEN to not be true. In your case, with the threats against you also, I just don't know. It is really a hard line to walk and I feel for you. I don't know what I'd do in your shoes.

All I can offer is lots of VERY supportive {{{{(((HUGS)))}}}}

 

[totiredtofight]

well this also has me puzzled .. when husband makes a run to the store and he tells her she cant go she will either go lock herself in the car till he gives in or she will cry and have a temper tantrum its not like she isnt wanting to be around him.. when she was told that child services would not let him come home till they found out if she was telling to truth or not she cried cause she wanted her dad .. as her mom she seemed to miss him .. but she didnt say she had lied untill she over heard us talking about divorce on the phone.. if this was really happening wouldnt she want to stay stuck to me and distance herself from him some

just talked to husband who has also been speaking to a lawyer.. he believes that if the therapist thought this was going then the therapist should not have allowed difficult child 2 to leave her office with him and that child services was wrong to continue to interview her after her night medications were given which make her sleepy (they gave her 8 different sugery snacks to keep her awake) that the interview should have waited till the next morning (he isnt upset they had a 7 day protctive order he understands it is the job) however he is upset that the child services worker keeps telling me she has to talk to her boss and wont tell me anything about the case or findings when husband hasnt been charged

 

[InsaneCdn]

UGH!

She was raped at 5?
I'd be guessing ... that she really got messed up by that one, and hasn't gotten the help she needed... that maybe, just maybe, your husband - her step-dad - has done something that has triggered memories...

This could well be a desperate cry for help on her part - and she may not even know why she is doing/saying this.

 

[TerryJ2]

Oh, dear, I have no idea ... I see so many conflicting responses from her. This is way beyond me.
Many, many hugs for all of you.

 

[totiredtofight]

i talked with difficult child 2 when she called from the psychiatric hospital last night .. now she isnt wanting to be there either.. first thing she said to me was " mom is dad home yet ??? i dont want to be here can you and dad come get me" and she hadnt even been there a full 24 hours... she confuses me

 

[exhausted]

We have been through pure hell all because my difficult child who was repeatedly molested by her 14/15 year old cousin over a two year period when she was 4 and 5. We had no idea. Guilt-heck yes! There were no signs until age 13. We didn't find out until we placed her in the 1st residential treatment at age 14. She had also been gang raped. Repeated sexual abuse is common with victoms. Trauma causes so many complicated issues. The behaviors mimick many disorders and the things they do and say are so hard to sort out. It just becomes part of their being, so much so they can't sort through things without major help. I don't have advise about the report and your husband, no experience. I can tell you that when my daughter's PTSD was at its worst she disassociated and tried to take back her reports of sex abuse because she hurt so badly.

We have tried 2 residential settings that spanned 2 years. Many phospital stays as well. Much individual and family counseling. Sports, dancing, etc. She recieved very specific skills in the last DBT residential setting. We have had little progress until very recently. She is home and we have told her she isn't going to be sent away again unless she gets herself into legal trouble.(This was a hard decision as she was running away for days to who knows where). She has been at the rape crisis center and recieving EMDR therapy. She now has a job, has her GED (she would be a junior-so she is finished early-just couldn't handle school). She feels more in control of herself than she ever has. She is not out of the woods and trouble seems to court her, but we are seeing daylight for the first time in years.

Sex abuse can be extremely damaging to any child but esp. to those with a more sensitive nature or predisposition to mental illness. Our daughter has reacted in extreme ways, not in the same ways as your daughter, but I have read about all the possibilities-there are soo many. I would advise that you find someone who specializes in this kind of abuse. Many say they are trained to do it, few really know what they are doing. We have seen that even in the residential settings where almost all the girls had been abused sexually in some way. EMDR isn't proven in children but it is being used. It seems to have helped our daughter. We found it for cheap (our insurance called it experimental even though it is one of a few approved treatments for PTSD) at the rape crisis center. Do you have a place there that you could inquire about good childhood sex abuse counseling? ((Hugs)) to you and prayers. Keep your eyes and heart wide open.

 

[InsaneCdn]

i talked with difficult child 2 when she called from the psychiatric hospital last night .. now she isnt wanting to be there either.. first thing she said to me was " mom is dad home yet ??? i dont want to be here can you and dad come get me" and she hadnt even been there a full 24 hours... she confuses me

She confuses YOU?
Maybe she's just so confused inside that she's confusing herself??

 

[Bunny]

The only part of this that I have had any experience with is when your difficult child says that she's going to tell child services that you hit her. My difficult child used to threaten this to me all the time. "I'll tell Mr. S (guidance counselor) that the reason I'm so skinny is because you don't feed me and then you'll go to jail!" With him it was a form of manipulation. He wanted things to go his way and for whatever reason they did not. Was your difficult child angry with husband before she went to see the therapist? Was she trying to get back at him for something? Have her behaviors gotten worse since she started the medications? How long ago did she start them? Maybe what she's on is making her worse and she needs something different.

You said that you were on the phone with someone talking about divorcing husband. Is this the only father that she's known? Is her bio dad in the picture? It could also be that she's afraid of losing him and was trying to get back at you. My difficult child does this, but he does it through easy child. He will be mean to easy child because he knows that it makes me angry and upset. That's what he says anyway. Who knows with difficult children sometimes.

 

[totiredtofight]

yes she does say she will tell so and so this and have one of us depending on who she is angry with put in jail .. yes this is the only dad she has ever known bio dad has been gone since she was 2 husband said on the way to the therapist they stopped by a store for a drink she asked for a redbull he said no but that she didnt seem angry .. as far as medications she is taking geodon which was reduced during the summer (she was having tremors) and yes we have seen an increase in her anger and other things since then .. just before she left for the psychiatric hospital she cut up her sisters fav. stuffy then called her in sayine "B come look what someone did' ... just now the therapist at the psychiatric hospital called to ask about her behavior and asked if a neuropsychologist test had ever been done which it has not .. at this point i dont care what test or how many or the cost.. i just want my sweet lil v back

 

[TeDo]

now she isnt wanting to be there either.. first thing she said to me was " mom is dad home yet ??? i dont want to be here can you and dad come get me" and she hadnt even been there a full 24 hours... she confuses me

That is exactly what difficult child 1 did. He WANTED to go somewhere else (I think because he thought it would be this dream world thing) but once he got there he didn't want to be there because it wasn't what he thought it was going to be. But difficult child 1 is one of those that has to "SEE it to believe it". He will NEVER take anyone's word for it. Maybe she's the same way???

 

[BusynMember]

I'm very puzzled myself at her reaction. My two kids who were the object of the predator's abuse almost danced the jig when we told them he was gone forever. They did not miss him or ask about him or want to see him. I'm far from an expert, but, because of our experience, have read tons on kids and sexual abuse, including many memoirs of those who experienced it and are now adults. NONE of them ever wanted to see the predator. I'm wondering if it didn't really happen...or why would she want him to be around?

 

[InsaneCdn]

I'm wondering if it didn't really happen...or why would she want him to be around?

That's why I was wondering if it was a flash-back or similar, given the history... something triggered memories, but they are not current memories...

 

[totiredtofight]

well i asked the therapist she made the report to the same thing seeing that in the 2nd session with her she had difficult child 2 already talking about what happened at age 5 (never seen a therapist pull stuff like that up so soon) she said it was impossible and she believed what difficult child 2 said... when i asked the therapist at the psychiatric hospital about it today she said for one thing that door should not have been opened so soon and that it was a possiblity .. and as i said before now they want to do the neuropsychologist exam and for now they are suggesting Residential Treatment Center (RTC) after her 30 days in the psychiatric hospital.. i guess we will have to wait and see with husband as he is still out of the house.. child services here wont let him come back untill he takes a polygraph which the one person who does it here cant do it untill after christmas.. with difficult child 2 and husband being gone difficult child 1,easy child and i will just do take out

 

[totiredtofight]

it has been awhile since i have posted anything and once again i am lost in this fight .. husband did get to come home before christmas .. christmas was hard without difficult child 2 here.. child services is still investagting i think i havent heard anything from them .. psychiatric hospital did a neuropsychologist test however they are not giving me clear answers on a new diagnosis .. i found out today that difficult child 2 is not cooperating so her iq test score was low a 78 and that they want to take her off all medications and start over because they are not seeing the aggresion we see, however they are seeing a lot of hyperactivity and lies .. take for instance she told one of the docs there that she was so upset because she had just found out that her dad (husband ) wasnt her father but she has known that for awhile now .. she also told a nurse there this weekend that she just found out her brother had died of an OD ( hes alive and well) so now the psychiatrist is wanting to try her on Abilify but i wont know for sure for a few more days .. also they are suggesting when her stay is up in the psychiatric hospital she go to Residential Treatment Center (RTC) however she has been denied by some because of her lies and aggresion and the others here are full .. only other choice would be out of state .. in the lower 48.. i dont understand why she isnt aggresive there and where all these lies are coming from or why .. could this be bipolar disorder or something worse ??? she has also been leading groups of other girls there to bully and picking the kids they are mean to.