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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 646448" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I do that, too. I hide it so well from myself I don't even know I am in denial.</p><p></p><p>I only know something isn't gelling just the way it should, in my corner of the world.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>It helped me to keep and hold and remind myself of this imagery, of this idea of interacting with my adult children as adults, as people as grown up as I had been myself at their ages. One of the hardest things for me was to stop seeing my kids as kids. But I now believe that continuing to allow that dynamic is harmful to the kids. We have to force them into growing up. If they are not clamoring for their independence, then our jobs as parents has to be to push them into it.</p><p></p><p>When I could see it that way, it was less hurtful for me, and so, I could stand up and say "No" without becoming so depressed myself that I could not look at myself in the mirror.</p><p></p><p>And some days, that is the hardest thing. To know what we have decided, to commit to it and do it, and be able to look at ourselves in the mirror.</p><p></p><p>Everything gets all twisted up, when we have difficult child children.</p><p></p><p>It is very hard.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>On an earlier post, one of us wrote that our children may manipulate us with their situations. That can be true. But to me, that kind of manipulation between a mother and her child seems less a coldhearted intention kind of thing and more a way of being that we teach and they learn until it gets to be beyond the bounds of normal and we don't know what to do, anymore.</p><p></p><p>But just as you both got where you are, together you can steer a course in another direction, too.</p><p></p><p>I liked Midwest Mom comment about moving toward adult to adult relationship as a way to think about establishing a new goal, a healthier new picture of how you want your relationship with your daughter to look and feel.</p><p></p><p>I have to keep my goals firmly in mind, or I cannot say no to my kids, or stick to my principles regarding the downright crummy things they keep doing and I keep rescuing them from.</p><p></p><p>How do you think your child would respond to a conversation in which you presented the current situation to her in this way, and offered to work together to find a way for her to claim her independence? </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Recovering Enabler is very right about this. And when we do change, even just the smallest little thing, the ripples radiate through the entire relationship we have created with our kids.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>This is an excellent question.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>True.</p><p></p><p>Very really true.</p><p></p><p>How we see our children's situations does matter. We are their mothers, and it matters how we see and respond to them.</p><p></p><p>That is why this is so hard. </p><p></p><p>We are their mothers, but we are only people, too. We can be hurt or feel mistreated (or allow mistreatment to blossom into something worse) just like anyone. But because we're their moms, we go ahead and feel responsible for whatever happens, next. If it is something good, we feel good. But if it is something terrible, we feel crucified.</p><p></p><p>That is why I think it is so important to know what our goals are, and what that looks and feels like.</p><p></p><p>We don't want to mess this up.</p><p></p><p>We don't want to be cruel or dismissive, but we do want to get the job done. For our kids' own sakes, we want to get the job done and done right. And if something bad happens instead, we have to know how to take care of ourselves through that.</p><p></p><p>It requires, like, a superhuman effort to do all that. And like I said earlier, we are only just humans, too.</p><p></p><p>Even if we are moms.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 646448, member: 17461"] I do that, too. I hide it so well from myself I don't even know I am in denial. I only know something isn't gelling just the way it should, in my corner of the world. It helped me to keep and hold and remind myself of this imagery, of this idea of interacting with my adult children as adults, as people as grown up as I had been myself at their ages. One of the hardest things for me was to stop seeing my kids as kids. But I now believe that continuing to allow that dynamic is harmful to the kids. We have to force them into growing up. If they are not clamoring for their independence, then our jobs as parents has to be to push them into it. When I could see it that way, it was less hurtful for me, and so, I could stand up and say "No" without becoming so depressed myself that I could not look at myself in the mirror. And some days, that is the hardest thing. To know what we have decided, to commit to it and do it, and be able to look at ourselves in the mirror. Everything gets all twisted up, when we have difficult child children. It is very hard. *** On an earlier post, one of us wrote that our children may manipulate us with their situations. That can be true. But to me, that kind of manipulation between a mother and her child seems less a coldhearted intention kind of thing and more a way of being that we teach and they learn until it gets to be beyond the bounds of normal and we don't know what to do, anymore. But just as you both got where you are, together you can steer a course in another direction, too. I liked Midwest Mom comment about moving toward adult to adult relationship as a way to think about establishing a new goal, a healthier new picture of how you want your relationship with your daughter to look and feel. I have to keep my goals firmly in mind, or I cannot say no to my kids, or stick to my principles regarding the downright crummy things they keep doing and I keep rescuing them from. How do you think your child would respond to a conversation in which you presented the current situation to her in this way, and offered to work together to find a way for her to claim her independence? Recovering Enabler is very right about this. And when we do change, even just the smallest little thing, the ripples radiate through the entire relationship we have created with our kids. This is an excellent question. True. Very really true. How we see our children's situations does matter. We are their mothers, and it matters how we see and respond to them. That is why this is so hard. We are their mothers, but we are only people, too. We can be hurt or feel mistreated (or allow mistreatment to blossom into something worse) just like anyone. But because we're their moms, we go ahead and feel responsible for whatever happens, next. If it is something good, we feel good. But if it is something terrible, we feel crucified. That is why I think it is so important to know what our goals are, and what that looks and feels like. We don't want to mess this up. We don't want to be cruel or dismissive, but we do want to get the job done. For our kids' own sakes, we want to get the job done and done right. And if something bad happens instead, we have to know how to take care of ourselves through that. It requires, like, a superhuman effort to do all that. And like I said earlier, we are only just humans, too. Even if we are moms. :O) Cedar [/QUOTE]
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