I need difficult child out of my house!!!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by mog, Feb 27, 2012.

  1. mog

    mog Member

    ok I think that I have definately made up my mind that I have to get difficult child out, Now I just need the courage because I know that if is going to be a "knck down- drag out" to get him out of my car when I drive him down there.Where do I get the strength?
    I keep asking him to clean his room and bathroom, bring my entire kithcen of dishes back to the dam kitchen so that I have something to eat off of and with and other odds and ends and he keeps telling me he knows what his responsibilities are and as long as I nag him about things. I told him that we would take him to get this problem fixed with him getting a speeding ticket and a ticket for having no drivers license but he keeps putting it off. I think that he is afraid of what is going to happen but I tell him that the longer he waits the worse it gets but he thinks he knows everything. I know that he did the right thing by driving that day because the "friend" he was with was drunk and I told him that he just needs to tell that to the judge -yes there are probably be fines. He doesn't have a license because he was in foster care during the time and when he came home, we had to do all kinds of extra tests and stuff for him to get his license which cost us a lot of money so it has been a slow process. He expects us to pay to tickets, get his license buy him a car and do it NOW! I am trying hard to help him but he keeps being defiant and disrespectful. I am to the point that I want to have him pack a bag and drop him off at the homeless shelter and tell him call me when you fell like you can live by MY rules in MY home. One thing that hur us is that whne he got arrrested this last time the police officer told him that they can not make them leave if the live here and have no where to go. Now he uses that against me--just the other night he was fighting with me ans was egging me on to cal the cops because he said " you know they can't make me leave- I would like to see them try".
    I am over my limit and want to take back my house but I am also afraid. If he will destroy my house while living here what is going to happen if I kick him out?
  2. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    First of all - if you are being threatened or he is being violent, you should call the cops because you may be able to use those incidents to get a restraining order against him which will supersede any "requirement" to evict him properly.

    Do you have the extra funds to rent him an apartment or a extended stay type hotel room? I might do that. Just to get him out and to change his address.

    I never realized the legal issues in getting an adult, non-rent paying, difficult person out of one's own home! I can't believe there isn't more protection available - especially for parents who are dealing with disruptive, entitled adult children!! Just because you gave the kid a good home for 18+ years shouldn't mean that the kid has a right to live there while being disruptive or committing illegal or violent acts. It's awful. When my own difficult child rented an apartment without our blessing- I was furious. Now I am grateful that his lease (together with his change of address form) has released us from being his "legal residence of record."

    I almost wonder if talking to someone who deals with domestic abuse would be worthwhile. I know they primarily work with spousal abusers - but an adult child abusing a parent should qualify. They may have legal remedies/advice/help they can give you.

    Good luck and I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Please lock the doors and get an alarm at the very least
  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Cop was somewhere right and somewhere wrong...depending on exactly where you live. I dont know your state of course but if you live in NY, parents are required to take care of their adult children until they turn 21. Absurd if you ask me. Now in most other states it is 18 but some states do make you do the eviction but others allow you to just kick them to the curb. One way to get around the kicking them out deal is to call the cops on them and threaten to have them arrested or offer to drop the charges if they simply leave your premises immediately. That can work. Or you can arrest them and refuse to have them returned to your house when they get out.
  4. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    Hey there. I think I would go to the police station and ask to speak to the officer who gave my son the ticket and explain the situation to HIM. Foster care, no license, drunk buddy - and could he reduce the tickets? It happens - I know. They did it for Dude. EXACT SAME situation. Not exact same state - but Dude should have been on COPS. (no I'm not kidding) It can't hurt anyway.

    As far as getting him out of the house? ANd the dishes? Well I'm a tad more dramatic than most. BUT ------I would box up all my dishes. Yup - you heard me. I'd box those suckers up - cups, plates, silverware, and I'd pack them away. THen I'd get paper plates, SOLO plastic cups, and plastic silverware. Cafeteria style -it in the casa for a while. ANd I wouldn't put out the whole LOT of paper plates either - I'd lock them up too. Just enough for the night - when the next meal comes? Put out just enough for that. If he wants another meal? He'd better bring me back the old paper plate. ONE cup - FOR THE WEEK.....Wash your silverware or rather PLASTIC ware - or you can use your freaking fingers.

    And as far as cleaning up? BOY OH BOY - we were such a household of excess - After I put locks on my door? ALL the towels went in MY room. If the boys wanted a towel? THEY had ONE - pick one....THATs yours. IF I found it laying round ONCE? GONE. DRIP DRY. Mean? Nope - NOt at all - Not my problem. I just stopped making EVERYTHING - MY PROBLEM. I gave them a plate, a towel - A place to live - and I've already told people what I did about clothes laying round the house - and I wasn't kidding. If I had to bend over to pick it up? It went in the trash. They had until that night to get it out of the trash - but usually were SOOOOOO lazy they didn't bother.

    If he's violent - DOn't threaten police - CALL THEM - and as far as homeless shelters? Leave brochures around - or phone numbers. That should get a rise out of him - You don't have to answer when he says OH IS THIS WHERE YOU WANT ME TO GO......but - Well I thought it was better than this woman I know - whose son smarted off to her and lived in a park under bridges and ate out of dumpsters.........and walk away.

  5. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    I can not believe that a police officer would tell a difficult child that!!! UNBELIEVABLE, especailly as much as they see every single day.
    When I was going through with all of this I made a comment (he was in detention and abou 15) that I was going to change the locks when I got back home.
    I was told that legally I could not do it until he turned 18, and then the officer said 'kick his ass out the day he turns 18 if he doesn't straighten up'.
    But none of them (I got to know the police very well) ever said anything in front of him, except to warn him he was going down the wrong path.
    I did have to kick him out and he still continued to break in and steal and so did his friends. My saving grace was a transfer to a new job about 20 miles away. Dear God the things we go through as parents!
    I also would continue to call the police and don't listen to the 'it's your fault I'm in here ****'.
    I would buy snacks and they would be gone the next day! so I stopped, there was only water to drink at my house, and sandwiches that he had to make if he wanted one.
    I love the paper plate idea!
  6. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    This is true unfortunately, you have to evict them just like you would any other tenant, usually. However, if he is violent the police will probably escort him out when you call, regardless of that. Especially if you press charges. That's a tough decision, however, and not one made lightly. Alternatively, head on down to the magistrate's office and start the eviction proceedings. Can't hurt, right? He'll know you're serious then.

    With my Oldest, at 19, we played the "you can't make me leave" card for awhile, until she threw a chair at me one night and began ranting and raving. I called the cops, they came, and she ran from them and ended up tackled and handcuffed in my utility room because she was so out of control. I declined to press charges, because she voluntarily left, and didn't come back. Still, I always wondered .. if I had changed the locks one day while she was out, and put her stuff on the curb, would she really have attempted to assert her rights about the 30 day eviction notice? I somehow doubted she would ever follow through with it, it would have been too much effort for her. I was almost to the point of testing that when the violent night happened.
  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Im at the point of worrying about the eviction thing now myself with my unwanted house guest. I have a feeling I may have to go to that point now that Tony has let him stay past 30 days and he has actually changed his address to my home...against my will. I wanted him to get a PO Box but he couldnt get one of those without a permanent local address...sigh. I wanted him to use his grandmothers lands house number but no one would listen to me.

    I did not have to evict Cory though one cop did tell Cory that I might have to do that. I simply looked at Cory and asked him if he wanted to try me on that one. Cory does know that I can make life very miserable for him in a very short time. Im not sure Buck has figured that out yet though he may be starting to considering I am starting to not be in the least bit nice. I am starting to toss out anything that I dont want that he does that I dont like. Such as he likes to freeze water in 2 liter bottles and then chop them into pieces of ice. I get mad at him over that because he has damaged knives and other kitchen utensils doing that when I have told him not to do so. Now I keep tossing those frozen bottles of water out of the freezers every time I see them. He gets mad and stomps through the house when he realizes his bottles of ice are missing. I just smirk.
  8. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    Janet it is bad enough to have to suffer through pain in the a** kids, but an adult brother in law, no way. I don't blame you for throwing them away, he can buy a plastic ice tray really cheap! Sounds like his is a little too comfy to want to move out.

    We have been married 12 years (we were 47&51) and based on past experience we both decided no one was moving in and that talk came in handy 4 times. I have relatives that are in their 30s and still live with mama.