I need help for my sister...

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by bewildered780, Jan 10, 2009.

  1. bewildered780

    bewildered780 New Member

    No, I am not the mother in this situation. But just the same, my mother and father need help dealing with this. My sister who is 23 years old has always suffered from anxiety and panic attacks since a young child. Currently she is living at home with my mother and father and is totally destructive and compulsively lying and acting out sexually and abusing the xanax that she's been prescribed to help with her anxiety. She is beautiful but has a very low self-esteem. She lies about everything... gets caught in a web... lies to try to cover that and so on. She lies to men so that she constantly has more than one, most of the time more than three all thinking they are the only ones. Lies to her friends, drinks obsessively all the while taking as many as 6-9 xanax at a time and acting as someone would who is all doped up on alcohol and benzo's. My mother is not quite in denial, I think she fully understands the problem at hand but is unwilling to do anything as she feels that her hands are tied. She comes in and out of the house all hours of the night... she doesn't work or go to school. She lives by going to the bars, flirting with men to get things, and lying to cover up from getting caught doing the things that she's doing. She shows absolutely no respect for our parents, cursing at them, even masturbating loudly while on the phone with a random guy when my mother and father are on the other side of the wall (the house is not big--she knows they can hear her)! I'm worried about my parents as my mother has a heart condition and because of the current living conditions is constantly stressed to the hilt, and my father is constantly battling depression, I feel because he doesn't know what to do. When I've suggested that my parents ask her to leave the home because of her self-destructiveness and lack of respect, they get upset and say they can't because she's their child and they fear the worst because she'd have nowhere to go. Short of asking her to leave or committing her to some sort of institution where she can recieve help I don't know what can be done. My parents wont ask for help. My sister has been in therapy which consequently resulted in her receiving xanax for her anxiety attacks. But she is so used to compulsively lying to get what she wants and is so good at it that I can only imagine what she has said to her therapist to gain her support. I have noticed on my own that she is not using the xanax for supposed anxiety attacks or situations that could envoke a panic attack but for the purpose of numbing herself when put in situations that being sober, she would not feel comfortable. For example, she loads up on alcohol and xanax before going to the bar and then proceeds to flirt with numerous guys for drinks or to go home with her then, when turned down, gets very angry and acts like a fool.
    I am lost and bewildered, hence the name. What can I do? I'm afraid I'll be burying my parents soon, if not from health conditions at the hands of my own sister because honestly I don't know what she is capable of.
    Please offer any advice you can... I, myself, am at my wits end. I am the older sister by 5 years and have a family of my own.
    I love my sister and I know that she is capable of being more than what she is now. But she wont talk to me, honestly, she lies to me too.

  2. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Well the only thing I can say from what I have read is that your parents need to take a stand. It is their home. There daughter is an adult. They are enabling her. She is doing exactly what she wants to in their home. I understand how hard it is to ask your own child to leave but if she is constantly violating rules then maybe she needs to be c ommited against her will. If she is a danger to herself and others it can happen by calling the mental health place in your city. Also if she comes home really messed up call 911 or the emergency number in your city and they can commit her. I did that for my son - he is 25 and I have had enough of his wrecking our home. Your parents need to help themselves and then maybe your sister would hellp herself. I feel for you because I know what you are going through. Also maybe someone needs to tell her therapist that she abuses xanax and drinks alcohol with it to get messed up. I did that with my son - I told the doctor who prescribed it what he was doing with it. He quit prescribing it. Good luck.
  3. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    You need to get your parents to an Al-Anon/Narc-Anon meeting. There they (and you) can learn to tools needed to detach from your sister and her addictions. They will get the support needed to find the solutions they need. What a great daughter/sister you are!
  4. Rotsne

    Rotsne Banned

    For more than 15 year did my mother travel down to my brothers place and cleaned his home. He smoked various stuff and heard voices. He has been on medication for this since he was 18 years old. Regardless of her help he wasn't always nice against her.

    But the fact was that she enabled him to remain a teen.

    He was almost 40 years old before he understood that he had to quit his drug use and step up as an adult.

    I have never told my mother what to do. Like your parents, she had a son she cared for and it was her choice. I have to acknowledge that I choosed to distance myself from their relationship because I didn't wanted to be compensated for her guilt due to all the time she used on my brother. I have always been proud about taking care of myself.

    The fact is that you can do nothing. There is no stronger things in the world than a parents love for his or her child.

    But maybe you can manipulate them. We have some safe countries in Scandiavia. We also have cheap hostels and a scanrail card, where you can travel around the Nordic countries on pre-paid train-tickets. Would she take an offer for 21 days traveling around with a bagpack and can they afford the ticket?

    She is stuck in her abusive life and needs to get away. I don't know if she is still suffering from the panic attacks. I live with a person suffering from panic attacks and when she gets one, she cannot not even fetch the mail from the mailbox, so going to a bar is totally out of the question. I think that she are cured and needs to live without medication. She don't sound as a person suffering from panic attacks to me. Try to speak to her doctor. Maybe he can instruct the pharmacy to give her a placebo product so she can detox.

    Second best option but still expensive is to offering her some outward bound. Because she properly would remain in her house and she is an adult which can leave at own request some needs to travel with her to encourge her through her stay.
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi. YOu are a very caring daughter, and you can make all the suggestions people have given you. However, the one thing you can't do is make your parents do anything to help themselves. You can only control one person (I learned this in therapy...lol). That person is YOU. You can't control dad and mom or sister. You can offer than advice and then they can decide to take it or not to take it. Maybe you can get them to join the board and we'll talk to them directly, but if they want to keep daughter at home, even with her substance abuse issues and her disrespect, you can't make them throw her out. Good luck to all of you ;)
    Rotsne, we don't have those options here. If a person is over 18, parents can not talk to the psychiatrist. It is confidential even for family members. And there are no backpacking trips here for disabled people. There ARE assisted living situations, but you can't be using drugs and have to follow the rules and it's difficult to qualify... for the most part, people are expected to take care of themselves. This young adult would have to be willing to get into treatment and nobody can force her to do it. It is entirely 100% up to only that one person. Family can't force the issue. And then, of course, even if she does want treatment (and it doesn't sound like she does) she needs to get insurance. I don't know if she has Medicaid or not, but, even if she does, not all facilities accept it. Anyhoo...I sure hope things work out for this family. And kudos to this wonderful daughter!
  6. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Sadly I think Detachment is the only true answer. This may sound silly but have you ever watched the program Intervention? The program features all kinds of addicted people and the pain experienced by family and friends. The addicts are often middle or upper middle class families. The treatment offered is free.

    No....LOL...I don't work with the program or have any personal connection to it. on the other hand, perhaps if your parents watched a few segments that you might record showing similar families...it would demonstrate that these issues exist in "good" and "nice" families everywhere. Knowing they are not alone might encourage them to take some action instead of being frozen in their pain.

    Good luck. Feel free to post often. DDD