I need help on etiquette

DammitJanet

Well-Known Member
Ugh...this is getting more confusing as it goes on. I guess I just need to call her and ask if I need to come up there after new years. Sigh.
 
H

HaoZi

Guest
Yes, you need to do it before she hands out everything that isn't listed specifically, and since she hasn't called you to come get certain unlisted things...
He sounds a lot like my dad, and mine keeps a copy of his will with his attorney, and another copy in his desk at work, just in case. Could well be that your father also kept multiple updated copies, possibly with a friend.
 

LittleDudesMom

Well-Known Member
Janet,

In Virginia, a judge steps in and decides if someone dies intestate. However, the norm in the spouse gets it all unless there are children from a previous marriage then the estate is split 1/3 to spouse and 2/3 to children (grandchildren don't come into play when there is no will unless there are no surviving children of the deceased). Remember also that the estate has to pay all debts of the deceased including (but definitely not limited to) funeral expenses and administration of the will before the estate is valued (or split).

Sharon
 

1905

Well-Known Member
Call and be very diplomatic and information seeking. Don't wait or worry the subject matter is rude, you both loved him very much. When my grandmother passed away my 2 aunts took what she had alloted for her grandchildren and none of us got anything, except for my one aunts' son. I didn't know any of this saga until she had been dead for quite some time, frankly, I don't care. Although strangely after I found out , one of them paid for my family to go on a cruise!
Anyway, I don't know your family situation, but it sounds like she is avoiding you. Maybe she is trying to get her ducks in a row and exclude you. Maybe not, I just want your dad's wishes to be honored without any trouble for you. I hope once you talk to her your mind will be at ease.
 

DDD

Well-Known Member
If you choose to telephone her I'd suggest that you do it when you are alone. You guys are not tight. The distraction of kids or grandkids nearby will make it difficult to control your conversation. Chances are she is not extremely interested in what's going on with them as it sounds like a "his" and "mine" family. Also she has been at his side throughout the illnesses and passing which probably has resulted in personal trauma. You guys are coming from different places so to speak, so one shared conversation should be as genuine as possible. I'm rootin' that there will be something personal available for you.
Hugs. DDD
 

DazedandConfused

Well-Known Member
That said I see one of two options. Either you call her directly or you contact the funeral home and ask which attorneys are involved in the estate. (If it is a small community the funeral director will probably then inform Pat that you called.) Chances are they know. on the other hand, they will only know what is in writing.

If you opt to call I would suggest being truthful. After appropriate greeting I would say "Pat, I feel uncomfortable or funny
about contacting you about some sentimental possessions. I hope you are not offended but there are a few things that Dad told us he would like us to have...and I don't know if he wrote them down or shared his thoughts on those items.
Would you be OK with me asking you about those things? As meticulous as he was he may not have noted items without monetary value. "


I really like these options. I've lost my Father, but he died penniless and my sister and I had to pay for his cremation and other expenses. After seeing what a very good friend is currently going through with the loss of her father, (he passed suddenly and had a substantial estate and her brother in law is the Trustee and has locked my friend out of everything after cleaning out the house and taking the brand new car he paid cash for three days before he passed. Now, all communication is through lawyers and a family has been blown apart. There were NEVER any problems until her Father's passing), I called my sister and told her I wanted have at least an intial plan of what we would do when our Mom passes. I could sense the uncomfortableness over the phone, but I'm very direct and just wanted a meeting of the minds at what we would do those first weeks. I told my Mom to make sure she lists who gets what of her household items and heirlooms so that there is no confusion and to make a will.

It's true, when there is a death and money is involved, it seems to activate the greed gene in some people. But, if your Dad promised those things to you and Tony, I'm sure he would want you to have them. From my perspective, it is better to ask about them now then wait. You are is child and he loved you. Yes, she is his widow, but you had a loss too.
 
Top