I need help with my oldest son who is 24

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Sherry3boys, Dec 6, 2014.

  1. Sherry3boys

    Sherry3boys New Member

    My oldest son who is 24 years old and yes still lives at home has soooo many issues going on. I've have been threw hell with him. He also has two kids that are 7 months a part by two different moms. His son just turned 4 and his daughter is 3 in a half years old. I don't know where to begin. I do know I don't need to hear the same old tune. Which is just kick him out, make him live on the streets. There has to be something else that can be done. At the same time of me saying this. I can't stand him living with me anymore. I believe something mentally is wrong with him.
  2. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    Hi Sherry,

    Welcome to the forum. Is there any possible way you can go into more detail? When did it all start?
  3. nlj

    nlj Well-Known Member

    Hi Sherry

    I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time with your son. You sound very unhappy. Would it help to post some more about your son? Is he working and contributing to your home? Is he still in a relationship with either of the women or supporting his children?

    We all have different issues with our grown children here and I am sure someone will have been through similar experiences as you. If you post some more details about the problems you are facing, then probably some parents here will be able to share their experciences with you and let you know how they have found ways to cope.

  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Has he ever been evaluated as Disabled? If he is actually disabled, there is a ton of help out there for him and he will NOT be out in the streets. But he will have his own place to live, if you and he wants it, or he can get helpers that come to the house. Has he ever been diagnosed with something serious?

    You need to contact social services and/or Aging and Disability to get the ball rolling.
  5. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    Sorry but I am about to use some sarcasm here: If you won't put him out.........and you can't live with him............why don't you move out? It seems you really want answers that will make the situation work the way you want it to work and that is very unlikely to happen. It takes action to make changes. Staying stuck with the "must have option" of him continuing to live with you leaves YOU stuck with out many options. All options must be on the table when you are trying to "fix" the unfix-able. It would be nice to read you a nice fairytale about how if you wait til you difficult child is 30 he will magically change. Chances are though that you have been doing everything you can think of to fix this situation already. Removing him from the home - without money from you - may be the only "REAL" option available to you.
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  6. Sherry3boys

    Sherry3boys New Member

    Good morning everybody, sorry about being so short on the history with my son. I have three boys ages 21, 22 and my oldest just turn 24. My youngest lives with his girlfriend and they have a a 4 month old baby girl. He Is trying to change his life around for the better. My middle son has always been my good son. Right now he is in the navy in a submarine somewhere. My oldest has always been the smartest kid out of all three. His preschool treacher seen it in him at age 3. He was in gate classes all threw grade school. I would fight him to do class work and homework threw out his school life. He would still pass all test with high to prefect scores. He passed both of the California high school exit exams with prefect scores. I tried to get him to join the military. He scored 4 points away from a prefect score on the ASVAB test. He failed the drug test because of weed. He started smoking pot in 9th grade. I was the typical PTA soccer mom, say no to drugs. On the subject of marijuana, I'm not against it. I do believe it is safe and helps save life's. I don't use it myself. Marijuana saved my youngest son from a lifetime of seizures. Just like anything marijuana can be addictive. My oldest son is highly addicted to weed. You would think he was hooked on crack. About his two kids. He had a girlfriend right after high school who fell in love with him. He was an ass to her and they ended up breaking up. She ended up being pregnant with lots of drama in the beginning. Now she is a hard working great mom to her son. My son met his ex wife while his ex girlfriend was pregnant. He fell hard in love with her. She ended up pregnant and they got married. Things ended bad after only one year. There was a lot of drama. At one point he went to jail for two days and ended up being charged with domestic violence. They have been separated for just over two years. She has remarried and is doing great as a working mom with my grand daughter. My son has never recovered. He is still heartbroken and full of hate. He hates me and his dad. He blames us mostly me for what he says is a horrible life. He told me he thinks about killing himself on a daily bases. In the last two years I have tried all kinds of things to help him. I got him into Job Corps. He lived there for three months and got kicked out. That's where he tried meth for the first time that I know of. Meth is not his drug of choice. it really makes him crazy and hallucinate. I know he has used it a hand full of times. After all that I got him enrolled into The Art Institute, which started out great. He was able to live in dorms with other students. This again only lasted about three months. I than sent him off to Little Rock AR. To live with his granny, my mother in law. That lasted six months. I let him come back home, why oh why. Well he is still on my husbands medical and I thought I might be able to get him some type of help. Kaiser only wants to see him once a month with the counselor and every three months with the therapist. How the heck is that gonna do any good. Oh let me back track real quick. I have been picking his two babies up every weekend Friday thru Sunday so they can spend time together and see their daddy. I even picked them up when my son was in little rock. For the last six months I have had to cut their visits back to every other weekend. My husband and I just can't handle them all the time. If we don't pick them up they won't be able to see each other. Back to my son. He is just getting worse. I don't think he has taken a shower in over a month and has stop all together in trying to get a job. He has know friends at all and goes and hangs out with the homeless. He looks like he is homeless and he's not. We do not buy his weed. Maybe once a week we might buy him a pack off cigarettes. Sometimes that's the only way we can get him to do anything. I don't trust him at all. Yes he has stolen from us in the past. He has made comments before that makes me worry about him doing something to me or his dad. We keep are bedroom door locked at night. Believe it or not there is a lot more details about his life. I went from no details to a book Lol.
  7. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    I don't understand why you won't put him out of the house at all. It seems, at great financial expense to the rest of your family, you have tried EVERYTHING to help him and he just WON'T HELP HIMSELF. From what you are saying, it seems since he already is hanging with the homeless crowd he won't be too uncomfortable. Right now YOUR PROBLEM is that he is WAY TOO comfortable, with YOUR HOME, YOUR MONEY, and WHATEVER ELSE HE CAN STEAL! Plus since he is not working - he is not paying child support for your grandchildren. Unless you are one of the 1% and can spend unlimited money throwing it AT the problem there is nothing you can do but save yourself/family first. Sorry, but even though you don't want to hear it - unless you are willing to support another grown adult for the rest of your life difficult child needs to go!
    It is a good step to be here asking for support here, but from what you are saying, the son isn't the problem per-Se, it is the family is living in co-dependency that is unwilling to get the help to move this selfish, self centered person off the games/computer/couch/bed and out into the real world of consequences for his actions/non-actions.
    You are being held hostage in your own home and more than likely being victimized there as well. Yes, mental, emotional, and financial abuse is ABUSE as it is in any other relationship. If this were your spouse/partner, would you still be putting up with this kind of abuse or would you say they got to go?
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  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    In a way you answered your own question.

    First, since he was so bright it is unlikely he will be seen as disabled so that is probably out. I assume he is probably involved in more drugs than you know. My daughter made us think it was just pot, but it was actually more. If your son is losing weight, getting aggressive, and not eating much suspect he uses meth more than you thin. I don't know why I thought I knew my daughter's private life. After she quit, and she did quit, she told me the whole ugly truth. I was appalled at how little I had known about her when she was using. Bad hygiene is also a red flag for drug abuse and, no, I don't mean pot, althugh, unlike you, I dont' think it's all right and made it clear of that and, except for Daughter, none of my kids used it and we certainly don't. Pot can be ok for some medicinal problems and I support that. So can Oxycontin. It is great for pain control. But for many people, both are abused and do not help, but hinder. That's where I have a problem. Mild recreational pot smoking, like social drinking if it is not every day, can be fine. The person can still function. Chronic, daily pot use, like chronic daily alcohol use, can harm the mind. And we never know which category we will fall into until we try it. I never messed with that stuff.

    Your son is not willing to thrive when you open doors for him. His is not growing up. He is not responsible. Why? Because you can show him the water, like that ole horse, but you can't make him drink. So the answer to your question, if you do not want to make him leave and if he refuses therapy, the good direction you have tried to point him in, or if he is unwilling to help himself at all and is just going to feel sorry for himself and talk about suicide (which is scary, but almost all of our kids tend to use this, sometimes because they feel badly and often to manipulate us into doing what they want), then your option is to live as you have been living. He won't change. Your life won't change. As long as he is at home, refusing to help himself, he won't change. Since he knows he can live with you indefinitely and that you will never tell him enough is enough, you and he will do this dance for the foreseeable future.

    As far as his kids, I can't see how they are benefiting by his being in their life. He is no role model. Likely the girls will move on and find maybe more stable men who will take over a more stable and consistent father role. Is your son paying his child support? I'm guessing not, since he isn't working. That isn't cool and his kids will certainly learn this as they get older.

    But...you can still try to live with him. It is YOUR decision, not ours.

    That IS an option. It is an option MANY parents take. There are 80 year old parents who have their 60 year old lazy, abusive, alcoholic son or daughter living off of them and they have given up their entire life to help this "child" and the child never changes anyway and two lives have been ruined. BUT...it is an option. You can certainly keep your son at home and keep doing what you're doing. I suggest you get yourself into therapy to help you cope.

    I must add that it would be a cold day in Hades when I'd pay for a grown child's cigarettes since they are so destructive and dangerous. I don't allow anyone to smoke near me, and that includes my grown kids. I have an easy job in this department. None of them smoke...lol. Ok, just teasing a bit. I don't see a viable change happening here, but wish you the best anyway.

    Good luck :)
    Last edited: Dec 7, 2014
  9. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    Maybe it would help if you could help us understand why not putting him out is not a good idea?
  10. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Hi Sherry,

    I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. It is so hard to watch a loved ones life fall apart.

    You are not responsible for him or his choices but you are enabling him by allowing him to live with you free and clear. The state in which you describe him, I would not be encouraging him to spend time with his children especially if he is not paying child support. He is a 24 year old man who should be taking care of himself and his children.

    My one and only child a son will be 34 next month and also has 2 children that he abandoned. I am blessed to have a relationship with my grandchildren but I will never disclose to my son where they live or give him any information about them. You may think that sounds cold but I have to do what is best for the innocent children who did not ask for this. He has not earned the right to be in their lives and it's coming up on 5 years since he abandoned them. My difficult child has put me and my husband through hell several times over. He has an IQ of 140 so intelligence is not the issue applying common sense is. My husband and I bent over backwards to help our son so many, many times. In hindsight I realize all we were doing was enabling him. My son as well as your son will not change their lives unless they really want to. My son for the most part is homeless and I have almost no contact with him. He reached out to me about a week ago sending me a private message on FB, desperate saying he was going to freeze to death. (he lives 1100 miles away from me) There was nothing I could do for him and as it turned out and always does, he found a place to stay for the night as he posted this on his wall. He could go to a shelter but chooses not to because they have rules and curfews which he won't follow. I sent him a message back telling him that I love him and that I'm sorry he's having a tough time. I heard nothing back. Again, for the most part my son is homeless yet he manages to have a Kindle so he can access FB and always manages to find a way to drink or drug. As for threats of suicide, my difficult child has said that many times too and has never been serious, it's simply a manipulative tactic that he will use to get people to feel sorry for him. If you really feel your son's threats could be serious then you need to call 911 and he will be taken to a hospital where he will be evaluated.

    MWM had some really good points:

    Have you ever been to an Al-anon meeting? You can find good information and support in dealing with a loved one that is abusing drugs. It is my guess that your son is doing more than pot.

    Ultimately the choice is yours as to what you will do. I can only speak for myself in that I could not longer allow my adult son to ruin my life along with his. I have accepted the fact that he is the way he is, I don't like it but I do accept it.

    I'm not sure who said this but it speaks the truth:

    You are not alone in dealing with this and you will find good advice on these pages.

    I wish you well. Please let us know how things are going.
  11. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome Sherry. I'm sorry you are having to deal with your sons behavior. It is a hard place to be.

    As hard as all of this is to hear, and it is hard to hear for all of us at one time, sometimes the best thing we can do for our adult kids who refuse all help to help themselves but insist on US taking care of them, and blame us, steal from us lie to us and manipulate us........is to let go........to detach from their behavior...............to accept what we cannot change...........

    AND, it's the hardest thing anyone here has EVER done.

    You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here.

    When I first heard the concept of detachment and letting go, I was in fact, angry. I felt that no one understood MY particular circumstance with MY child..........MY story was not the same, I could NEVER turn my back on my own child and allow them to be homeless. Well, one year after saying all of that, I changed my thinking............really there was no where else to go. The ship I was on was clearly sinking.

    I entered an 18 month long Codependency program through Kaiser in California. If you are a member, look in to it. The Substance Abuse programs they have at many of their larger Hospitals have a rehab which your son can enter and a Codependency course in the same program that you can enter. It changed my life. You are enabling your son. As long as you continue to enable him, he will not change. You are the one who needs to change.

    You can make staying at your home contingent upon him entering and staying in that rehab. It is a couple of weeks of every day and then groups and therapists who are specifically trained in Substance abuse and codependency issues. The Substance abuse program is about a year long, perhaps longer. There are 2-3 phases. As a member, it is very inexpensive. He is likely using and he sounds depressed, perhaps this program can help you both.

    What helps most of us here to get out from under the heavy boulder of abuse our kids bring to us is to set very, very stringent unbreakable boundaries which have clear consequences which are enforced. Often as enablers we need guidance and support in order to learn how to do that. I know I did. It is not easy to change that pattern of over giving. You and your son are stuck in a destructive pattern. He will not get better unless you change. And, even if you change, he still may not get better. It is not up to you, it is up to him to change his life. You are taking responsibility for his life when he should be doing it. I know how easy it is to get in to that rut, I was there too. Most of us here, at one time or another, were exactly where you are now. And, as time went by, we saw the benefits of detachment. We understood that nothing will change until we change. And in many cases, as we changed, our kids woke up and shifted gears. But, sometimes they don't. That part is not within our power. In fact, nothing is within our power or control, we are powerless. And that is a hard realization to accept. But once you accept that, you can begin to move on.

    My daughter is 42 years old. She went off the rails when her husband committed suicide 14 years ago. She treated me in much the same way your son treats you. When I stopped accepting it is when it changed. As long as you accept that behavior, it remains in your life. You are the one who has to draw that line in the sand and say this is where it stops.

    It often takes a lot of support for us to make these changes. Which is why that Codependency course was so invaluable to me. I had therapists and professionals helping me each step of the way. I was in a support group and private therapy. I learned a new way of responding. I learned how to set boundaries. Once I did that, everything, every. single. thing. changed. Your son sounds a bit like my daughter in that a life event sent them spinning out of control.That does not give them a right to abuse us, manipulate us, hold us hostage, steal or lie or in any way disrespect us. By getting yourself out of that scenario, you force your son to wake up, to consider that he has no choice but to own his own stuff and move on..............or not...........but at least you will be out from under.............you deserve to have a life, to be happy, to have peace of mind, to enjoy your life free of worry and fear.

    Keep posting here, it helps. Find support for yourself. There are options for you to change this patterning, stay open to what they are. We're here if you need us...........you are NOT alone............I'm glad you're here.........
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  12. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    Hi Sherry, Thank you for sharing your story. Please do not think we are coming off harsh. All these messages are a lot to take in and perhaps it might take you a week, maybe more, to read them without feeling sad or mad. That's when the message comes clearer. We have all been where you are, some of us still there. I must say, when I read your message, you sound way too involved in your sons emotions and life. You're not even detached not even a little bit and you should be for his age. Like the others have said, there is absolutely no reason for him to change. You are so afraid of throwing him out when I know others who made their children move at a much younger age than your son is right now, and half of them were actually girls. All of our difficult child have problems and if they can do it, your son surely can. Life is very hard out there in the real world and you are making it way too easy for him to stay and not deal with his responsibilities or life in general. You are too busy feeling sad and feeling sorry for him, but you are hurting him more than you are helping by not having faith in his capabilities. How you're treating him is crippling him. Now I am not saying throw him out tomorrow, but maybe it's time to start giving deadlines. Start learning to detach first. Stick around this forum for a while and I promise you will learn so much. I only have been here for a few months and already made some big steps. Believe me, I still have MUCH to learn and still in the throws of it all, but I'm seeing a smidge of the light.